Alright for parents to peek into child's personal things?
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My kids are still young so I guess I don’t have to contend with this privacy issue yet.
I do have the same thinking as Insider. If I do not sense or suspect anything is wrong, I will not go through their stuff. But if I do sense that something is not quite right and my kids are not forth coming about what is bothering them or what they have gotten themselves into, then a little sleuthing may be necessary. -
Every human being, other than being a public being (someone else’s son/daughter/spouse blah blah) is also a private being. I think it’s very normal for every person to have some "secrets", whether it’s benign, like having nasty thoughts about someone, or something really evil, like drugs, or a vibrator hidden somewhere. I think to expect otherwise, is to expect our children NOT to be human, but somewhat like a robot.
If we can change our mindset, to allow for some secrets, then there won’t be any need to peep through their things. It’s not pragmatic to wish for TOTAL open communication, even within a loving family, because the private person within us, will keep some thoughts secret.
If a parent manages to find "something", it’s only because the child allows it to be found. Imagine if the secrets are all bottled up inside the child? Or if the secrets are kept outside the house instead? If a child chooses to keep secrets in a diary or something, within the house, at least i will be happy that deep inside his/her heart, the home is regarded as a safe haven.
Just like when i was growing up, i always had fantasies of bashing up my bro, imagine if i had written it down in a diary and it got found out? Relations could be permanently damaged, all because of a fleeting thought of an immature mind! -
insider:
Whoa, Insider. These are pretty strong statements, and there's too much inference on your part about others. If you went around accusing other people (and there's no way you can know), who's going to answer sensitive poll questions like that? Whatever happened to mutual respect of your fellow forummers?Errr...parents who peep into their kids' stuff even though their kids are OK kids probably is a reflection of these parents have a greater sense of insecurity, suspicious in nature, possessive, 看不开，lower confidence level, worry-too-much kind = higher risk of of bringing up kids who are similar to them (meaning likely to also bring up kids who can't build trusting relationships) = vicious cycle. Children's view of such parents maybe 烦死人 and they are unlikely to share more with such parents since telling them one thing and may lead them to imagine ten = don't tell better to save the 烦死人 situation...
These parents usually will also not trust their spouses (see a long strand of hair in the car = got woman outside?? and start their 'peeping game'...)
My personal view and don't get offended... Sometimes 'love and care' given out of 'good intent' can also give the receiver a sickening feeling if one doesn't apply it correctly...
PS: My teenage kids each has a digital safe (those $40+ types). I told them to lock whatever 'secret' things or valuables that they don't want others to touch / see in the safe and don't make noise if anyone in the family happens to see / read things that are on their tables (my daughter and son will 'visit' each other's study table regularly and sometimes may come across items that the table owner doesn't want to share with others).
I guess I could couch my answer like yours, with plenty of if and buts, so that I sound saintly (like you). But I just call it like it is. People who are too eager to accuse others are themselves highly suspicious, hyper critical of others (not themselves) and a real pain to live with. I pity their kids and spouses. Just my personal opinion. Don't get offended hor. -
Although I would not peep at my kid’s things deliberately, I would not also teach her to cultivate the habits of having alot of secrets.
Secrets are burdensome, can eat into a person’s well-being sometimes. I would rather she learns to unwind most of her issues and be able to speak openly to a trusted party, in the absence of one, just pray about it and allow some divine help to intervene if she feels helpless instead of keeping secrets. Some secrets may be inevitable because even if one does not want trouble or avoid, trouble can still come a-knocking. So she has to learn how to deal with such trouble.
A safe would be to keep the documents or anything physically precious to her, secured from theft, not so much in keeping secrets, that is a little far-fetched for me personally.
The lesser secrets one has, the healthier the well-being. JMHO. -
Blobbi:
I can't find anything disrespectful about her choice of words. Yeah, she did disapprove of people who peep into their children's things. So what? Must everyone approve of everything? Surely, she has her own right to disapprove of certain actions. U mean only when we compulsively approve of every action of each other, then that's real respect?Whatever happened to mutual respect of your fellow forummers?
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skunk:
Nolah skunk. I mean the imaginative spinning of the other traits that go with it.
I can't find anything disrespectful about her choice of words. Yeah, she did disapprove of people who peep into their children's things. So what? Must everyone approve of everything? Surely, she has her own right to disapprove of certain actions. U mean only when we compulsively approve of every action of each other, then that's real respect?Blobbi:
Whatever happened to mutual respect of your fellow forummers?
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insider:
To me, any real secrets are kept in the memory and if they are bad enough to be forgotten, then don't even remember them. :lol:ksi:
A safe would be to keep the documents or anything physically precious to her, secured from theft, not so much in keeping secrets, that is a little far-fetched for me personally.
My kids have their drawers with locks but keys got lost. Instead of replacing the locks, I got the digital safes which I find them cheap and good...
My daughter keeps mainly her 4 (or more) diary books in it and I think my son's safe only contains money + his precious collection cards that he will not allow my youngest son to touch...(didn't check but so far when he opens it in front of me to safekeep his $, I can only see those items). If he allows his precious cards to lie around his room and my youngest son goes and plays with them and spoil them, then don't complain to me coz the instruction has always been to keep things that you don't want others to touch properly... (similarly for my daughter's diary books. Though my sons know they cannot touch a person's dairy but out of curiosity may go and read it if my daughter leaves it on her table, then she will have to bear some responsibility for a big quarrel that sure to follow if such incidence happens...)
Just sharing only, to each his own, no right and wrong, just a matter of style. :celebrate:
Btw, I can appreciate your approach for your children because this may be the kind of lifestyle for your family. -
insider:
Then I must be the exception.Blobbi:
Whoa, Insider. These are pretty strong statements, and there's too much inference on your part about others. If you went around accusing other people (and there's no way you can know), who's going to answer sensitive poll questions like that? Whatever happened to mutual respect of your fellow forummers?
Whoa, Blobbi. When I am making statements like these, I am very careful to add in my 'probably', 'generally', 'usually', coz I do understand not ALL are like this...
I belong to more of the camp of thinking parents have to do more self reflections when kids don't turn up well... (example of why my kids don't share with me? don't trust me? etc and they have to look back at how come they don't trust their kids = vicious cycle...).
, cos I'm not suspicious etc.
Given time and a lot of typing space, I can justify when I'll peep.
When I think back, I know that the goody two shoes image I presented to my parents was not exactly true. I did have my, shall we say, adventures. Nothing too wild, now that I look back. But I could have gotten into a lot of trouble if a little something went out of sync.
Maybe I'm speaking about the future based on what I know of my son today. He is very young (and he'd be mighty pissed if I told him someone suggested I might be 烦死人), but I know what kids can get up to. This is a difficult subject to write about because of the context that is required. My way of dealing with trust is to be as open and as accepting as I possibly can so there is no reason for him to lie. But given how sensitive he is, sometimes, any slight disapproval of something seemingly unconnected can trigger a little cover up here and there. If it's small, I will ignore. If it's bigger, I bring it up when he is calm so that he knows I know. I still need to tell him that the lie and the action he's covering up is wrong, but as his parent, I accept; I'm not judging him, just his actions. Despite this, I will still miss out on a few things ... I don't need to know everything - I just need to know when it's important. -
insider:
In psychology terms, it's called the halo effect and anchoring - when you attribute too much to one thing. Shouldn't be so lazy if you want to accuse ...Blobbi:
Nolah skunk. I mean the imaginative spinning of the other traits that go with it.
Errr...those 'traits' are not 'imaginative spinning'... They are real psychology but I lazy to go comb for literature to support them...
Take them like what you 'imagine'... I am OK... -
ksi:
Absolutely, ksi. We're just sharing. No need to get personal lah. :celebrate:
Just sharing only, to each his own, no right and wrong, just a matter of style. :celebrate:
[Thanks dear]
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