How to handle teenage dating?

[phankao]

snowman.697:

hesiew:

I found out by spying her mobile msg and didn't want her to know I invaded her privacy. Still pretending I don't know.

I am not an anti-parent person; neither do I want to offend. But I strongly oppose to what you have done. Your daughter is a person too, she has the rights to her own privacy. If I were your daughter and I found out, you can imagine how angry I would be. In my opinion, the reasons why people invent SMSes are to not only make life more convenient, but also to have more privacy. Imagine talking on the phone; people can already hear half of the conversation going on. That disadvantage will be no more with SMS. Now imagine someone barging through that privacy barrier and reading the SMSes is that. That is invading privacy isn't it? From a child's point of view, I think we (18yo and below) have a right to some privacy too! At least, if I were you, I would tell her that I would be reading her messages, and the reason is that it's for her own good. Not by \"spying\". I have friends whose parents spy on them too, and I believe they feel really angry and isolated when they find out. What will your own child feel if she eventually finds out?

My advice to you is, STOP reading her texts. Admit to her, admit that you should not have done it, but at the same time, explain to her, and ask her, why, who, where, she was dating (with). Then you can explain to her about O-levels, focussing, prioritising, and all that stuff. Spying on texts, and not doing anything, will not help to solve the problem.

Again sorry if I have offended, but this is just from the view of a child, and I feel that we do have some privacy rights too.

Best regards,

But that also means that the child has not been truthful about what and where she has gone after school.

[stayhome]

Hi hesiew,


I have 2 teenage girls. From dd1, she told me one of her girl friend is dating another. The girl mum got to know the boy, and she accepted him. Now both spend time in girl house and they study together. According to dd1, boy’s parents don’t know yet. Girl in JC this year and boy in poly.

I don’t know what will I do if I get to know, but this is a guide for me too. I will get chance to talk to my girls like boy calling dd2. Will ask her who is him and what is he doing… Also ask them their girl friends. how are they and how they get along. Who’s got dating…Ask my girl how they feel when see other dating…

Sorry to say again. I don’t spy thier phone, bag… But restrict the time they have to be home and limit the no of time go out with friends.

[daisyt]

hesiew:

I found out by spying her mobile msg and didn't want her to know I invaded her privacy. Still pretending I don't know.

Hi hesiew, I guess you must have sensed something not right before you spy on her msg. From this point of view, I don't think its wrong. In the first place, if the child is not truthful to the family, trying to hide things, how to develope trust? Just like if both husband and wife are truthful and faithful to each other, there is no worry or offend if one spy or look at the msg of the other.

In my opinion, you need to talk to her. First tell her you sensed something not right from all her behavior and very worried. Hence you look at her mobile msg, out of love and concern, not for the sake of spying or control. Then you can start the conversation to find out more about the boy, how deep is their relationship, your worries on her school work, worries on sexual issues and so on. Teenages at this age might not like to listen to all these but being a responsible parent, we have no choice but to keep telling them. If not for our child, who so free to spy or talk to them? Privacy is earned through respect and truthful. JMHO.

I quite agree with stayhome mentioned - restrict the time they have to be home and limit the no of time go out with friends.

[mocharita]

snowman.697:

hesiew:

I found out by spying her mobile msg and didn't want her to know I invaded her privacy. Still pretending I don't know.

I am not an anti-parent person; neither do I want to offend. But I strongly oppose to what you have done. Your daughter is a person too, she has the rights to her own privacy. If I were your daughter and I found out, you can imagine how angry I would be. In my opinion, the reasons why people invent SMSes are to not only make life more convenient, but also to have more privacy. Imagine talking on the phone; people can already hear half of the conversation going on. That disadvantage will be no more with SMS. Now imagine someone barging through that privacy barrier and reading the SMSes is that. That is invading privacy isn't it? From a child's point of view, I think we (18yo and below) have a right to some privacy too! At least, if I were you, I would tell her that I would be reading her messages, and the reason is that it's for her own good. Not by \"spying\". I have friends whose parents spy on them too, and I believe they feel really angry and isolated when they find out. What will your own child feel if she eventually finds out?

My advice to you is, STOP reading her texts. Admit to her, admit that you should not have done it, but at the same time, explain to her, and ask her, why, who, where, she was dating (with). Then you can explain to her about O-levels, focussing, prioritising, and all that stuff. Spying on texts, and not doing anything, will not help to solve the problem.

Again sorry if I have offended, but this is just from the view of a child, and I feel that we do have some privacy rights too.

Best regards,

Sweetheart, during our times SMSes are not invented. During my parents’ time, “ What’s SMS???!!???”. Tell ya, you are lucky if you owned a dialed chapalang black phone during their time.

Parents moved ahead of their time to catch up with their kids, don’t you think kids like you should move a little backward, just a little (not much, not an inch even for understanding ) for your parents and grandparents?

My parents invaded my grandparents privacy by raising my parents. My siblings and I invaded my parents privacy by raising us. As a parent now, kids like you telling parents not to invade? Why don't you learn to discuss with your parents? Why don't you learn to accept an answer ‘NO’? If you don’t want your privacy to be invaded, clean up the shit you have made. By all means, do what you fancy but when troubles come don’t ask for help. Solve them yourself. If you can't, respect your parents and grandparents. They are here in this world longer than you, dude.
Best regards too.

[daisyt]

mocharita:

Sweetheart, during our times SMSes are not invented. During my parents’ time, “ What’s SMS???!!???”. Tell ya, you are lucky if you owned a dialed chapalang black phone during their time.

Parents moved ahead of their time to catch up with their kids, don’t you think kids like you should move a little backward, just a little (not much, not an inch even for understanding ) for your parents and grandparents?

My parents invaded my grandparents privacy by raising my parents. My siblings and I invaded my parents privacy by raising us. As a parent now, kids like you telling parents not to invade? Why don't you learn to discuss with your parents? Why don't you learn to accept an answer ‘NO’? If you don’t want your privacy to be invaded, clean up the shit you have made. By all means, do what you fancy but when troubles come don’t ask for help. Solve them yourself. If you can't, respect your parents and grandparents. They are here in this world longer than you, dude.
Best regards too.

Good post!

In life, regardless at what age, there are times, we have to accept \"NO\". Learning to accept \"NO\" and understand life is not always at your side, as young as possible, definately benefit us.

[mummyjoyce]

one of my nephew (O level) this year is dating a girl. My DD (Sec 1 this year) asks me if this is a good thing to happen. :?

I told her that 16 is too young but it is OK as long as she is open and disucss abt it. However I did tell her that this thing is not always :love: and this will definately affect study.
She concluded she will have a boyfriend only after her A level and said that she is good since she is in a All girl school :? (not sure for me)

[verykiasu2010]

well well, at least one problem is solved when girl is interested in boy : no need to worry about the girl staying single till old age - if things are PROPERLY managed and counseled


if the girl totally has no interest in boy, you should be more worried than if she has

[daisyt]

verykiasu2010:

well well, at least one problem is solved when girl is interested in boy : no need to worry about the girl staying single till old age - if things are PROPERLY managed and counseled


if the girl totally has no interest in boy, you should be more worried than if she has

True and I always tell dd, nothing wrong for BGR, its just a matter of timing.

[hesiew]

Thanks Daisyt and all for sharing your experience and advise. I will got to start setting groundrules like what time they must be back and limit how may times she can go out. Just didn't know I have to do it so soon! Yes I'd sensed something very wrong that's why I checked her msgs. Will not do that again, probably got to spend more time with her and offer her good guidance on BGR. I guess its a learning process too for parents.


Hi Snowman, I guess its a learning prcess too for many first time parents and we do make mistakes. But all we do is out of love and concern for the kids.

[soda]

Hi! Just to share that my sec1 boy chalked up 300+ smses in a month and I found out he was smsing a girl from his primary school. First I spied on the contents which are quite harmless. Then I asked him to let me check his smses, in a friendly and casual tone. He wasn’t angry and told me smsing girls are very common among his schoolmates. Some boys even sms a handful of girls, most of these ‘relationships’ are not serious. My boy is in a boys’ school and the girl’s school is faraway, there’s no opportunity for them to meet up. I didn’t object him of smsing girl, but I’ll monitor. So, he is not gay and has the opportunity to interact with girl. He’ll have to pay if he exceeded his hp plan. I do casually ask about the girl from time to time, something like if she likes her school or cca. Just to show him it is normal to be friend of a girl, and it is totally ok to talk about gbf with me anytime. Hope we can keep the channel open till he has a relationship. My girl is in p5, I’d opened the channel already, she told me who & who like her and she finds boys irritating.


I do agree children have to earn their privacy. Be honest and responsible and earn your privacy gradually. Dear, don’t expect 100% privacy right from the beginning.