Difficult Relationship with Parents
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i think they have unrealistic expectations.
And i think women just have this tendency to complain, to compare, to feel dissatisfied with life.
Plus most of them are at this menopause / post menopause phase where their hormones are really haywire.
So all these factors make some (not all lah) women around our mothers age real miserable.
I have another friend, whose mother KEEPS ON COMPLAINING that she’s ill. he sent her to hospital, they ran all sorts of checks which cost him a BOMB and found out nothing wrong.
sometimes they have high blood cos they make themselves stressed.
i pray that i won’t end up like that next time. -
toddles:
the next time i see my mum i will tel her these. hope she will get it & shut up forever.i think they have unrealistic expectations.
And i think women just have this tendency to complain, to compare, to feel dissatisfied with life.
Plus most of them are at this menopause / post menopause phase where their hormones are really haywire.
So all these factors make some (not all lah) women around our mothers age real miserable.
I have another friend, whose mother KEEPS ON COMPLAINING that she's ill. he sent her to hospital, they ran all sorts of checks which cost him a BOMB and found out nothing wrong.
sometimes they have high blood cos they make themselves stressed.
i pray that i won't end up like that next time.
this morning my mum juz said she got a hard life since young, nothing is perfect for her, husband no good, children also not filial, other people daughters so filial, we 2 are useless. -
This is my story and it really saddens me.
I used to have a wonderful relationship with my Mum. She is a warm and encouraging type of person and always has positive energy around her. However, she is a highly radical Mum. For someone born in the 1940s, she managed to get a university degree and worked till me and my brother graduated. She is blessed financially and is really well-travelled. As a result, she is highly radical in her mentality and this can be a blessing in some ways. For eg, she was totally open to my brother adopting his two kids when he couldn’t have any. I know many parents from that generation who are totally against it.
In recent years, our relationship has deteriorated because I have found that while she wants to get close to my dd, she is forever travelling and in fact, lives in Australia for a good half of the year. I resent the fact that she does not want to spend time with my dd, nor offer the least bit help at all.
For those of you that know me from other threads, I have been depressed about not being able to have another child. I was amazed that my Mum showed no concern after my 2nd miscarriage. She did not cook any tonics for me nor does she aske me to try again. It saddens me when I hear how my colleagues and friends have Mums that will busy themselves with cooking tonics for their daughters after delivery or miscarriage. When I poured out my heart to her, her answer was " God knows best so just leave it" to " I didn’t want to bring up the unpleasant memories for you" and finally to " You can’t control things. If you want it so badly, just go and adopt!". The last answer really pissed me off.
Guess some of you will be thinking I am expecting too much?
Btw, my Mum is super "ang moh" in her thinking and was against me getting a confinement maid after delivery due to the cost and is now against me taking chinese medicine for conception too. -
wow your mum is really "ang moh" as you say.
I suppose she’s a very independent woman and is very happy leading her own life. She probably feels her kids are old enough to take care of themselves, she has done her duty and it’s now time for her to enjoy herself and let the kids go on auto-pilot.
I suppose in some ways I’m waiting for that day myself. But I suppose I’d still wanna be close to my kids and grandkids.
As for her not showing concern, I suppose that’s really quite hurtful. Don’t think you are wrong to feel hurt. Perhaps she didn’t have trouble conceiving so she doesn’t get it. Or maybe she has low empathy quotient.
What to do? gotta move on and just accept it… try not to be too sad. Just as our mums compare their kids, let’s try not to compare our mums with other ‘normal’ loving mums who are aging well… -
mummyJune:
All these sounds really familiar to me...my mum has also been complaining about her health...from stomach pains to leg pains...initially sent her to government re-structured hospitals for check-ups, but found nothing...then she complain government hosp NG, cannot be trusted, must go private -ok, fine, so ended up sending her to Mt E and Gleneagles just to make sure - ended up same results...basically nothing wrong with her except the common problems associated with aging...
the next time i see my mum i will tel her these. hope she will get it & shut up forever.toddles:
i think they have unrealistic expectations.
And i think women just have this tendency to complain, to compare, to feel dissatisfied with life.
Plus most of them are at this menopause / post menopause phase where their hormones are really haywire.
So all these factors make some (not all lah) women around our mothers age real miserable.
I have another friend, whose mother KEEPS ON COMPLAINING that she's ill. he sent her to hospital, they ran all sorts of checks which cost him a BOMB and found out nothing wrong.
sometimes they have high blood cos they make themselves stressed.
i pray that i won't end up like that next time.
this morning my mum juz said she got a hard life since young, nothing is perfect for her, husband no good, children also not filial, other people daughters so filial, we 2 are useless.
Some friends advised that when elderly folks complain here and there (when in fact there are no genuine issues), it is usually to get ATTENTION - be it from their husband or children. Is that true? My siblings & I tried to give her as much attention as we can but there is always a limit we can do as each of us have our own families to take care of. The problem with her is she has a 'quarrelsome' nature so she is not close to any of her 9 siblings, nor does she have any close friends...We always encourage her to go to CCs to participate in any of the events that she may be interested in (we can always pay the fees for her) but she always gave the excuse that she is illiterate and therefore cannot get along with the other elderly folks etc...but I'm sure many of them in their late 60s or 70s are in the 'same boat' as her, right? Maybe she's simply not the sort to be able to mix well with others...
She will call us every few days to complain about my Dad, or she will complain about us (call me to complain about my sis & bro), or she will call my sis to complain abt me or bro or SIL) and vice versa. How can she, as a mother, keeps complaining about her own children in this way? It is as though she was trying to 'sow discord' amongst us, I really do not understand....
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All of us will grow old one day and hope that we will not become a nuisance to others.
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[quote="sakura_2009"]
We always encourage her to go to CCs to participate in any of the events that she may be interested in (we can always pay the fees for her) but she always gave the excuse that she is illiterate and therefore cannot get along with the other elderly folks etc…but I’m sure many of them in their late 60s or 70s are in the ‘same boat’ as her, right? Maybe she’s simply not the sort to be able to mix well with others…
[quote]
It’s true that it’s a cry for love and attention. but it’s soooooo hard to love someone who seems to be out to annoy you.
on the point about making more elderly friends, if the friends are good people, that’s good. but a lot of old people complain to each other, compare whose kid is worse than whose… or these ‘friends’ might make her more dissatisfied, and then she’ll say this friend told me how can you like that… haiz. -
Wow… having read your sharings on your mums… really feel sorry for some of you…
I can only conclude that old folks are not perfect. The government and politically correct media like to paint old folks as being "poor things", "victims", being cheated or taken advantage of by the young, although I don’t deny that there are some old folks who are "poor things", there are also as many old folks who are simply, just horrible.
Their actions cause harm and misery to people around them and their children. They "infect" others with their misery and depression. Based on their "seniority", they do and get away with all sorts of wicked things, maybe not intentionally, but the effects are harmful, and far-reaching nonetheless, impacting not only their children, but their grandchildren, and destroying the happinness of the family. As there are wicked children who bully their old parents, there are also "poor" children who have to put up with and sacrifice their peace, happiness or joy to accommodate unreasonable requests from unreasonable parents.
But society will not acknowledge publicly that there are "wicked" parents, in news reports you only hear of "wicked" children.
Does being "old" in years means that you can cause more misery to people around you, and you can be "excused" with the reason that you are "old"? If that is so, then some old folks are simply the "most wicked" people around as they can get away with much more…
Sorry… you know I don’t mean it… but ranting… maybe I shd wait till I am old to become as wicked as some of the old folks… and everyone will have to give in to me… (Jus kidding!)
When I get over my frustrations, in my better moments, DH and I will go back to be being the "poor", "abused" fillal children to unreasonable old folks again… (Jus kidding… of cos we tolerate them and overlook their inflections out of love and fillal piety). -
i'm in this boat..
my mil wanted to help me do confinement at her place.. BUT she dun intend to take leave ie she will only be back home @ 3pm ie i will be alone till 3pm.. so i decided to diy my own confinement in the comfort of my own home cuz mil place no heater (they use a kettle to boil hot water for bath)..
my mum, on learning i'm doing confinement myself in my own place, asked it is my mil refuse to help me.. i say no its my own decision..
she say her work ends at 1pm everyday, she will drop by to help a bit here and there..
end up, no sound no picture no see her..
i did my own confinement alone.. DH took 2 weeks leave and did the cooking.. after 2 weeks, he went back on his shift work (3 days day shift off 4 days, 4 days shift off 3 days)..
was really tough for me as 1st child.. and some weeks his shift will be night ie he will be gone from 7pm to 7am and next day back he need to zzz..
that period i was really blue as baby keep crying from 1-3am and i'm all alone, walking, rocking the baby to sleep.. totally helpless.. -
hapydino:
aiyoh, you so poor thing... what was your mum's explanation? too busy? too active social life?i'm in this boat..
my mil wanted to help me do confinement at her place.. BUT she dun intend to take leave ie she will only be back home @ 3pm ie i will be alone till 3pm.. so i decided to diy my own confinement in the comfort of my own home cuz mil place no heater (they use a kettle to boil hot water for bath)..
my mum, on learning i'm doing confinement myself in my own place, asked it is my mil refuse to help me.. i say no its my own decision..
she say her work ends at 1pm everyday, she will drop by to help a bit here and there..
end up, no sound no picture no see her..
i did my own confinement alone.. DH took 2 weeks leave and did the cooking.. after 2 weeks, he went back on his shift work (3 days day shift off 4 days, 4 days shift off 3 days)..
was really tough for me as 1st child.. and some weeks his shift will be night ie he will be gone from 7pm to 7am and next day back he need to zzz..
that period i was really blue as baby keep crying from 1-3am and i'm all alone, walking, rocking the baby to sleep.. totally helpless..
are you the only girl? she doesn't feel as close to you as to your brothers? or she has other grandchildren she has to look after?
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