Difficult Relationship with Parents

[toddles]

wow your mum is really "ang moh" as you say.


I suppose she’s a very independent woman and is very happy leading her own life. She probably feels her kids are old enough to take care of themselves, she has done her duty and it’s now time for her to enjoy herself and let the kids go on auto-pilot.

I suppose in some ways I’m waiting for that day myself. But I suppose I’d still wanna be close to my kids and grandkids.

As for her not showing concern, I suppose that’s really quite hurtful. Don’t think you are wrong to feel hurt. Perhaps she didn’t have trouble conceiving so she doesn’t get it. Or maybe she has low empathy quotient.

What to do? gotta move on and just accept it… try not to be too sad. Just as our mums compare their kids, let’s try not to compare our mums with other ‘normal’ loving mums who are aging well…

[sakura_2009]

mummyJune:

toddles:

i think they have unrealistic expectations.


And i think women just have this tendency to complain, to compare, to feel dissatisfied with life.

Plus most of them are at this menopause / post menopause phase where their hormones are really haywire.

So all these factors make some (not all lah) women around our mothers age real miserable.

I have another friend, whose mother KEEPS ON COMPLAINING that she's ill. he sent her to hospital, they ran all sorts of checks which cost him a BOMB and found out nothing wrong.

sometimes they have high blood cos they make themselves stressed.

i pray that i won't end up like that next time.

the next time i see my mum i will tel her these. hope she will get it & shut up forever.

this morning my mum juz said she got a hard life since young, nothing is perfect for her, husband no good, children also not filial, other people daughters so filial, we 2 are useless.

All these sounds really familiar to me...my mum has also been complaining about her health...from stomach pains to leg pains...initially sent her to government re-structured hospitals for check-ups, but found nothing...then she complain government hosp NG, cannot be trusted, must go private -ok, fine, so ended up sending her to Mt E and Gleneagles just to make sure - ended up same results...basically nothing wrong with her except the common problems associated with aging...

Some friends advised that when elderly folks complain here and there (when in fact there are no genuine issues), it is usually to get ATTENTION - be it from their husband or children. Is that true? My siblings & I tried to give her as much attention as we can but there is always a limit we can do as each of us have our own families to take care of. The problem with her is she has a 'quarrelsome' nature so she is not close to any of her 9 siblings, nor does she have any close friends...We always encourage her to go to CCs to participate in any of the events that she may be interested in (we can always pay the fees for her) but she always gave the excuse that she is illiterate and therefore cannot get along with the other elderly folks etc...but I'm sure many of them in their late 60s or 70s are in the 'same boat' as her, right? Maybe she's simply not the sort to be able to mix well with others...

She will call us every few days to complain about my Dad, or she will complain about us (call me to complain about my sis & bro), or she will call my sis to complain abt me or bro or SIL) and vice versa. How can she, as a mother, keeps complaining about her own children in this way? It is as though she was trying to 'sow discord' amongst us, I really do not understand....

[starlight1968sg]

All of us will grow old one day and hope that we will not become a nuisance to others.

[toddles]

[quote="sakura_2009"]

We always encourage her to go to CCs to participate in any of the events that she may be interested in (we can always pay the fees for her) but she always gave the excuse that she is illiterate and therefore cannot get along with the other elderly folks etc…but I’m sure many of them in their late 60s or 70s are in the ‘same boat’ as her, right? Maybe she’s simply not the sort to be able to mix well with others…

[quote]

It’s true that it’s a cry for love and attention. but it’s soooooo hard to love someone who seems to be out to annoy you.

on the point about making more elderly friends, if the friends are good people, that’s good. but a lot of old people complain to each other, compare whose kid is worse than whose… or these ‘friends’ might make her more dissatisfied, and then she’ll say this friend told me how can you like that… haiz.

[TimmyOwner]

Wow… having read your sharings on your mums… really feel sorry for some of you…


I can only conclude that old folks are not perfect. The government and politically correct media like to paint old folks as being "poor things", "victims", being cheated or taken advantage of by the young, although I don’t deny that there are some old folks who are "poor things", there are also as many old folks who are simply, just horrible.

Their actions cause harm and misery to people around them and their children. They "infect" others with their misery and depression. Based on their "seniority", they do and get away with all sorts of wicked things, maybe not intentionally, but the effects are harmful, and far-reaching nonetheless, impacting not only their children, but their grandchildren, and destroying the happinness of the family. As there are wicked children who bully their old parents, there are also "poor" children who have to put up with and sacrifice their peace, happiness or joy to accommodate unreasonable requests from unreasonable parents.

But society will not acknowledge publicly that there are "wicked" parents, in news reports you only hear of "wicked" children.

Does being "old" in years means that you can cause more misery to people around you, and you can be "excused" with the reason that you are "old"? If that is so, then some old folks are simply the "most wicked" people around as they can get away with much more…

Sorry… you know I don’t mean it… but ranting… maybe I shd wait till I am old to become as wicked as some of the old folks… and everyone will have to give in to me… (Jus kidding!)

When I get over my frustrations, in my better moments, DH and I will go back to be being the "poor", "abused" fillal children to unreasonable old folks again… (Jus kidding… of cos we tolerate them and overlook their inflections out of love and fillal piety).

[hapydino]

i'm in this boat..


my mil wanted to help me do confinement at her place.. BUT she dun intend to take leave ie she will only be back home @ 3pm ie i will be alone till 3pm.. so i decided to diy my own confinement in the comfort of my own home cuz mil place no heater (they use a kettle to boil hot water for bath)..

my mum, on learning i'm doing confinement myself in my own place, asked it is my mil refuse to help me.. i say no its my own decision..

she say her work ends at 1pm everyday, she will drop by to help a bit here and there..

end up, no sound no picture no see her..

i did my own confinement alone.. DH took 2 weeks leave and did the cooking.. after 2 weeks, he went back on his shift work (3 days day shift off 4 days, 4 days shift off 3 days)..

was really tough for me as 1st child.. and some weeks his shift will be night ie he will be gone from 7pm to 7am and next day back he need to zzz..

that period i was really blue as baby keep crying from 1-3am and i'm all alone, walking, rocking the baby to sleep.. totally helpless..

[toddles]

hapydino:

i'm in this boat..


my mil wanted to help me do confinement at her place.. BUT she dun intend to take leave ie she will only be back home @ 3pm ie i will be alone till 3pm.. so i decided to diy my own confinement in the comfort of my own home cuz mil place no heater (they use a kettle to boil hot water for bath)..

my mum, on learning i'm doing confinement myself in my own place, asked it is my mil refuse to help me.. i say no its my own decision..

she say her work ends at 1pm everyday, she will drop by to help a bit here and there..

end up, no sound no picture no see her..

i did my own confinement alone.. DH took 2 weeks leave and did the cooking.. after 2 weeks, he went back on his shift work (3 days day shift off 4 days, 4 days shift off 3 days)..

was really tough for me as 1st child.. and some weeks his shift will be night ie he will be gone from 7pm to 7am and next day back he need to zzz..

that period i was really blue as baby keep crying from 1-3am and i'm all alone, walking, rocking the baby to sleep.. totally helpless..

aiyoh, you so poor thing... what was your mum's explanation? too busy? too active social life?

are you the only girl? she doesn't feel as close to you as to your brothers? or she has other grandchildren she has to look after?

[hapydino]

toddles:

hapydino:

i'm in this boat..


my mil wanted to help me do confinement at her place.. BUT she dun intend to take leave ie she will only be back home @ 3pm ie i will be alone till 3pm.. so i decided to diy my own confinement in the comfort of my own home cuz mil place no heater (they use a kettle to boil hot water for bath)..

my mum, on learning i'm doing confinement myself in my own place, asked it is my mil refuse to help me.. i say no its my own decision..

she say her work ends at 1pm everyday, she will drop by to help a bit here and there..

end up, no sound no picture no see her..

i did my own confinement alone.. DH took 2 weeks leave and did the cooking.. after 2 weeks, he went back on his shift work (3 days day shift off 4 days, 4 days shift off 3 days)..

was really tough for me as 1st child.. and some weeks his shift will be night ie he will be gone from 7pm to 7am and next day back he need to zzz..

that period i was really blue as baby keep crying from 1-3am and i'm all alone, walking, rocking the baby to sleep.. totally helpless..

aiyoh, you so poor thing... what was your mum's explanation? too busy? too active social life?

are you the only girl? she doesn't feel as close to you as to your brothers? or she has other grandchildren she has to look after?

Hi Toddles,

my mum didn't explain leh, and i guess i was too hurt to even ask or beg her to come over to help..

i'm the eldest.. there's 3 gals and they tried for #4 for a boy.. yes, 重男轻女 mindset..

my daughter is the 1st grandchild from both side so sometimes i tink of the kind of treatment given to her i feel v upset..

i always hear my friends / colleagues gush about grandparents fussing over their kid.. cook this cook that.. buy this buy that.. my daughter never has this treatment from both sides of grandparents..

my MIL's 'contribution' is only $24 x 2 every year.. 1 angpao during CNY and 1 angpao during her birthday (which she always forgets!!) and blame us never remind her!!

till today, 3yrs+, my MIL and mum has never bought a single thing for my daughter be it a simple colouring book, a sheet of stickers or a simple toy.. :stupid:

[toddles]

pat pat


看开点，没有也罢。 It’s their loss, not yours. In future your Dd will not be close to them and they only have themselves to blame.

never give money i can close one eye cos everyone has different financial situations, but don’t want to spend time - just reflects on them lor.

[hapydino]

toddles:

*pat pat*


看开点，没有也罢。 It's their loss, not yours. In future your Dd will not be close to them and they only have themselves to blame.

never give money i can close one eye cos everyone has different financial situations, but don't want to spend time - just reflects on them lor.

i find it is always a one way traffic.. i used to bring my mum out v frequently.. buy stuff for her.. bring her to restaurants.. i remember 1 heart felt incident where i bought 3 brand new Nokia 8250 (the in phone in those days) for my mum and 2 sisters..

less than 1 week, my dad took the phones and went to sell / trade in and got them 2nd hand phones!!

when i passed my HP to my dad to help me sell to his friend, he took commission!! even tell me 'i dun earn i eat what?'..

i was boiling cuz for 2 of the phones, i gotta sign line in exchange for the phones.. my mum even sided him and say 'phones given to us is ours mah, and dad nv do wrong, he sell but he got buy back phones for our usage!!' :stupid:

that's when i sort of woke up and realised i mean nothing in my mum's eyes.. :stupid:

she will only come to me for favours.. for $$.. when it comes to bad stuff i am first in line.. her life line.. but when comes to 'i queue 2 hours for the JayCo donuts and I gave 1 box to your uncle' and me leh?? not even 1 doughnut..

she will call say crave for tau sar piah from Far East and i will be the one to queue and buy and deliver to her home..