Is it possible to treat your children equally?

[PowerPuff Mum]

sleepy:

jedamum:

[quote=\"markfch\"]
I thought it's goes like this ... The more material things our parents possess ==> the more we stand to lose ==> more incentives for in-fighting ==> higher chance for perception of favoritism?

Luckily neither my parents nor I am rich ... so nothing to fight for, keke.

Favouritism has nothing to do with how affluent the parents are. Lesser well off parents need to deal with limited resources to be shared among their offsprings. There is only one way to avoid your child's perception of favouritism - don't give him/her any siblings.

It's not only the material things. Sometimes it's the tone of voice. Or perhaps more gentle, more patient, more tolerant of tantrums to one over another

My dd1 receives more new clothes, more new stationeries, more food, more pocket money, more attention but she's still immensely jealous of the special bond I shared with her younger sister :roll:[/quote]agree with you there. My kids have everything they need but they are not spoiled kids I can assure you. Material things are just things..your love and attention affect them much more.

I find that they get upset if I used a certain tone of voice or just words of praise for job well done... guess it comes down to sibling rivalry. I will never favour one over the other as I love them equally. I can tell them this everyday but they will still be bickering over my slightest attention. So I hv to watch myself when I am dealing with them.

My DS has a problem letting go..he can be so whingey and it drives me nuts. So sometimes, my voice will go up a few decibels when talking to him. But my DD is not whingey at all, she 's very clever at pleasing you so given a situation like mine, it is very hard to appear neutral even when you feel that you're being fair. .

[sleepy]

PowerPuff Mum:

My DS has a problem letting go..he can be so whingey and it drives me nuts. So sometimes, my voice will go up a few decibels when talking to him. But my DD is not whingey at all, she 's very clever at pleasing you so given a situation like mine, it is very hard to appear neutral even when you feel that you're being fair. .

You described aptly!

Exact same situation I'm facing with mine :nunchuk:

[Nebbermind]

as much as we try, the children will never feel they are equally treated...which is TRUE!!


My elder is a boy so there's certain expectation such as responsibility since he is older. The younger girl, being more accommodating, is usually 'abused' by having to run around the home doing small errands (which the bro outgrew :lol: )!!

[atrecord]

I think it is very difficult to compare when dealing with and loving different kids, as they are inherently different. If we are comparing twins, or triplets, etc., then at least take away one major variable, and it will be down to character, personality, etc. Otherwise, very different so it is difficult to compare leh...


When DD was born, she got the full attention of grandparents and parents. Once cry, within seconds someone will attend to her. But when DS (younger)'s turn, we all already bit desensitised... let him cry a bit first also never mind

But DS has been very cute since birth, and always smile, so more likeable. A bit streetsmart and lucky too: when DD misbehaved and disobeyed at abt 3-4 yr onwards, we would discipline her, and had hit her before. DS would stand one side and hide - and learn from elder sis' lesson. When it was his turn, we just need to remind him, and he would be scared...

And because DS is younger, most of the time we as DD to give in to him, which is becoming a problem both ways: DS feels he will always win; and DD feels she'll always lose out...

sigh...

Difficult to be fair to both...

[briskcross]

I am glad I read this book \"Siblings Without Rivalry\" when my second son came along.


There is really no such thing as treating people equally, it's about meeting each person's needs. When a child complains about unfairness, it really means that he has a need that has not been met, such as he does not feel loved.

When our younger son came along and I was practically tied whole day to him, my hubby made sure he made time for our elder son, talking to and playing with him like we always did. We realised that when he felt that he was loved, he did not have an issue with us loving another kid, and in fact he was ready to love his younger brother too. Nowadays when I scold the younger brother, I get the elder one defending him! :roll:

[markfch]

briskcross:

Nowadays when I scold the younger brother, I get the elder one defending him! :roll:

:goodpost:
Bravo. Whatever thing you did, it seems to work well.

[qizai]

briskcross:

I am glad I read this book \"Siblings Without Rivalry\" when my second son came along.


There is really no such thing as treating people equally, it's about meeting each person's needs. When a child complains about unfairness, it really means that he has a need that has not been met, such as he does not feel loved.

Cannot agree more with that.

[buds]

briskcross:

I am glad I read this book \"Siblings Without Rivalry\" when my second son came along.


There is really no such thing as treating people equally, it's about meeting each person's needs. When a child complains about unfairness, it really means that he has a need that has not been met, such as he does not feel loved.

:goodpost:

[smurfette3]

Hi briskcross,


where do you get the book that you mentioned?

I find myself having a hard time especially when the youngest needs more attention. I have 3 boys and the eldest is the most sensitive. When I spend more time with the youngest teaching him, he would look at me. I know he wants me to spend more time with him. So sometimes, I would bring the eldest out for special dates with mummy, it seems to work as I realized they do not just want to go out together in a group but they want your individual whole attention.

[briskcross]

Hi Smurfette3, I got mine from Amazon but I’m sure the bookshops here would have it. The library should have it too (you can reserve it on the nlb website).


Oh yes, my younger son is more chatty so he tends to go on and on. So I make it a point to have certain days when I leave him at the childcare centre and fetch my elder son to have lunch and spend time with him.