In-law problems?

[qizai]

autumnbronze:

With regards to my DH's stand in the way my mom treats me. Well, he says that she's old and that I've all she has in times of need and that I should just try to do my part so that my conscience is clear. All this despite the fact that he has seen me in tears, stressed, upset (even during my pregnancy when I had strict orders from gynae not to get stressed etc ....). And you know why??? Because she is really nice to him. Its only recently that he has began to see her other side, only because DS is involved. He has come to the realization that she doesn't really have that 'grandmotherly' maternal instinct towards DS when all these years I have been saying that she's been like that to all her grandkids.

Anyway as mentioned in my other posts, I do try to be as filial as I can. But its really getting harder and harder. I have to brace myself harder, remind myself constantly not to give up on her ...... because I have to be a positive role model for my DS too.

Afterthought: For my case, I realize that how my DH treats me is a reflection of how he was brought up by his own mother (and father) .... if you know what I mean.

Afterthought 2: Lest I have miscommunicated, what I meant in my first Afterthought (and positively) is that DH is able to love me the way he loves me ie being very very giving is because thats the way he's been brought up. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't have any expectations. Most of them I have tried to fulfill, those that I am still trying is not because he is unreasonable, but only because its the way I have been brought up ie sins of the mother perhaps???

Currently, our different parenting styles are my main grouse. But again, he's only being the kind of parent that, to a certain extent, his parents were ie overprotective, very loving and giving etc .... For instance, while I see my DS as not being so adventurous for a three year old in the playground, DH says he is just being cautious and is teaching him the concept of taking calculated risks. Aren't we both right in this instance?? When my MIL tells me not to scold DS, let it be, I tell her that someone has to be the 'bad' one around cuz in life, chances of DS encountering/dealing with really nice people well ... almost zilch. And he has to learn to deal with it, its all about human relations. My FIL interjected and said \"but he's still young lah ...\" I don't know whether to :lol: or I suppose you can infer that I am the 'have to be cruel to be kind' sort of parent by now.

Hi autumnbronze, thank you very much for sharing.

Grandmothers pretending to be oh so caring about their grandchild (by saying this saying that) but when it comes to the crunch, they behave otherwise, is something i'm also very familiar with over the past 7 years.

The feeling of being betrayed by someone whom u think is a confidante (whether he/she's a mother, MIL, friend etc) tastes very awful. I've had that too.

Just like to share something about child discipline.

My wife feels that in no way, should she or I contradict each other in front of my son when he's being disciplined. And I agree with her wisdom. Before that, I often like to contradict. She's a much better parent than I do in terms of such stuff, and I open my ears wide wide to listen to her.

The child would get confused what the final message is. And it would all be a waste, because it would be neither dad's message nor mum's message. Waste of effort and time for parents and child, as well as waste of opportunity to impart a good lesson.

If one parent did it wrong, then just let it pass. Never say \"you're wrong to discipline the child\" in front of him/her. Discuss afterwards instead.

As for meddlers who want to score points with the child while he/she's in distress when dear mum/dad is teaching life lessons, tell her to go fly kite!

As for different parenting styles, well, I think it is possible to discuss and reach a compromise. Dear daddy doesn't want his son to fall down, break an arm and get phobia after tat until 21. But dear mummy wants him to be brave, enjoy the fruits of his courage, and gain confidence gradually. There's a middle ground somewhere!

Lastly, I don't agree with the bad guy/good guy in parents. I'm both the bad guy and good guy, and so is my darling wife, to our son. When we leave the disciplining only to one party, sometimes he/she cannot cope, is too exhausted.

After scolding my son for stuff, I typically tell him he's a good boy in spite of all that, and encourage him to better himself next time.

Thanks for listening.

[qizai]

Hi all,


Thank you all for your positive affirmation.
I gather that I’m on the right track, but there’s still plenty more to learn as a parent and husband.

[buds]

It is human nature to get angry. When we are angry, we sometimes say

things we don’t mean. When communicating using angry words and tone
it is important for us to allow the child to understand that we are angry
at the stuff he/she did… and not at the person himself/herself.

[janet88]

As long as I do not have to stay with in-laws, discipline is never an issue of them siding the kids. That’s the one good and BEST thing.


Autumnbronze, it’s not easy to be the bad guy when you have in-laws with you. The important thing is to discuss and come to an agreement with hubby that someone has to be the BAD guy or the child will be spoilt rotten. That phrase ‘he’s still young’ doesn’t make any sense because kids will always be young in front of grandparents.

[Mrs Ang]

janet_lee88:

As long as I do not have to stay with in-laws, discipline is never an issue of them siding the kids. That's the one good and BEST thing.


Autumnbronze, it's not easy to be the bad guy when you have in-laws with you. The important thing is to discuss and come to an agreement with hubby that someone has to be the BAD guy or the child will be spoilt rotten. That phrase 'he's still young' doesn't make any sense because kids will always be young in front of grandparents.

When my DD was 2 months old and still in good terms with my PIL. FIL told me that DD must at least have a degree. I don't want to force my DD if she really belongs to those cannot study type so I told my FIL nicely. FIL insisted that no...no....his cousin's son also cannot study so he took one subject a year in Australia univ and is now a graduate. I was :!: . I told DH about it and he too is :!: . I believe that a person character is more impt than his qualification. Lucky DH agree with me. My PIL belongs to those kind that only know how to talk big big!

[janet88]

Mrs Ang,

I know what you mean leh. A person’s character overrides his/her qualifications. MIL looks down on her own sister’s children because they are not educated. But at least her sister can stay under one roof with her sons and daughters-in-law unlike her. Can even play mahjong together.
Her sister has a nicer character.

[autumnbronze]

Dear buds, LKVM and Schweppes,


Thank you buddies, for your support ....

You never fail to be there for me :celebrate:

[buds]

Just like how you've been here for us as well.

Well... that's what buddies are for, aye? :celebrate:

[autumnbronze]

janet_lee88:

As long as I do not have to stay with in-laws, discipline is never an issue of them siding the kids. That's the one good and BEST thing.


Autumnbronze, it's not easy to be the bad guy when you have in-laws with you. The important thing is to discuss and come to an agreement with hubby that someone has to be the BAD guy or the child will be spoilt rotten. That phrase 'he's still young' doesn't make any sense because kids will always be young in front of grandparents.

Thanks janet_lee88,

DH and I pretty much do see eye to eye on most things. He actually takes the time to listen to my grouses and tries to rationalizes his parents' behaviour too. Maybe because of his profession, he has the ability to treat me like one of his 'clients' and listen me out

He has happily relegated the role of the bad guy to me

[autumnbronze]

buds:

Just like how you've been here for us as well.

Well... that's what buddies are for, aye? :celebrate:

:hugs: