How much should I give my parents?
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znzyzyzx:
Personally I thiink it is best to put the kids in infant care/childcare rather than bother the grandparents. I think no matter how nice the grandparents are , they will feel that they are doing you a very big favor to help look after your children and hence they would expect things in return. And if they don't get it , then there might be unhappiness. So I think is better to depend on ourselves.
I guess it depends on the grandparents, and the family dynamics...
some grandparents (like my mum) offered even before I got pregnant to look after my first. and later she nagged me to have a second and said she'd be happy to help... so... they might not really see it as a very big favour, but would still expect some sort of 'fair' treatment, which is okay...
issue is what is 'market-value' of fair... even if they are ok with it (as with us comparing salaries/promotions with peers etc), when others start comparing, it's hard not to be affected... -
KZYPmum:
I agree that it depends on the individual situation. My boys are the only grandchildren in the family and both sets of grandparents were volunteering to babysit even before we got pregnant!znzyzyzx:
Personally I thiink it is best to put the kids in infant care/childcare rather than bother the grandparents. I think no matter how nice the grandparents are , they will feel that they are doing you a very big favor to help look after your children and hence they would expect things in return. And if they don't get it , then there might be unhappiness. So I think is better to depend on ourselves.
I guess it depends on the grandparents, and the family dynamics...
some grandparents (like my mum) offered even before I got pregnant to look after my first. and later she nagged me to have a second and said she'd be happy to help... so... they might not really see it as a very big favour, but would still expect some sort of 'fair' treatment, which is okay...
issue is what is 'market-value' of fair... even if they are ok with it (as with us comparing salaries/promotions with peers etc), when others start comparing, it's hard not to be affected...
They would bug us to let them come babysit, even when I was a SAHM.
We don't really give them $ on the basis that they help with the kids. It's based on many factors like how financially well off they are, how much we earn etc. -
To a certain extent, it’s true to say that allowances depends on various factors.
I was just looking at my pils’ side. Unlike my parents, my pils have their own retirement funds. They need not worry financially. They are staying with us. I know my hubby gives him an allowance each month. Not that he need the money but rather, it’s more of an asian act of filial piety towards the parents.
Besides my hubby, they have 4 other daughters. We will have a monthly gathering and I think that’s the time that m sils will come back to give allowance to my mil. I don’t know how much they give but I think it varies based on their income. My pils do not take care of their kids.
In addition to the allowance, they will also volunteer to pay for their holidays. Or even if they are not the ones who are paying, they will come with some travel monies for their parents. Wish our kids will treat us like that too in the future though we aspire not to be financially dependent on them. -
MMM:
Actually, now that MMM mentions about paying for other stuff, that's a good way to take the load off our parents' minds.
In addition to the allowance, they will also volunteer to pay for their holidays. Or even if they are not the ones who are paying, they will come with some travel monies for their parents. Wish our kids will treat us like that too in the future though we aspire not to be financially dependent on them.
For both my side and DH's side, in addition to cash, we (together with our siblings) will take care of monthly payments such as handphone, housing loan, car loan, credit card etc. This sometimes means that the monthly amount we give will fluctuate, but it's one way of reducing the financial worries the old folks have to face. Even if they have enough $$ to pay the bills (from our allowances or their own retirement funds), it's still stressful for them to always remember to pay the bills. and you know old folks can get forgetful as they age. So as filial children, it's one thing we can do to take care of them. I think our parents appreciate it. -
znzyzyzx:
Personally I thiink it is best to put the kids in infant care/childcare rather than bother the grandparents. I think no matter how nice the grandparents are , they will feel that they are doing you a very big favor to help look after your children and hence they would expect things in return. And if they don't get it , then there might be unhappiness. So I think is better to depend on ourselves.
It is best to depend on ourselves if we can be SAHM with a helper. For working moms, having the grandparents as caregivers is the best solution. It is only right for the grandparents to expect a level of gratitude in return but at least they are willing to help...
Looking after a baby is a very big favor and I believe many moms are willing to pay for that. I have 2 friends on maternity leave now and agonising over where to park their infants when they return to work. They dread to leave their young infants at the infant care centres. One friend even spent a day at the centre to observe how they \"cared\" for her baby. She took her baby out that same day. Short naps due to noise from other babies, caregiver just put hot milk into her baby's mouth without checking, and if she doesn't finish her milk, too bad... they were also very rough when bathing the babies and don't apply moisturizers...
Comparing that to how my mom is caring for my baby, I thank my lucky stars that my mom took us in. We are willing to pay any amount for her help. It's not just a payment, it's our show of gratitude that we didn't need to resort to shoving our baby to the infant care center. I even told myself to be there for my aged parents should they need our care in future... we cannot forget their generosity to help in our time of need. -
i am a sahm so dh is the one giving $$ to my parents (both passed away 2 years ago).
from the moment we are married, dh has been giving $$ to my handicapped sister, chip in with the maid’s salary, electricity etc. with every siblings helping out, the financial burden on each and everyone is significantly lessen.
i really thank God for blessing us and honestly the financial burden on a single child (especially if both wife and husband are the only child) is extremely heavy with 4 parents to support.
so if you could, always remember to put aside $50 or more for your own future. just yours not your kids, not your grandchildren. -
LOLMum:
You have a really understanding and supportive husband!i am a sahm so dh is the one giving $$ to my parents (both passed away 2 years ago).
from the moment we are married, dh has been giving $$ to my handicapped sister, chip in with the maid's salary, electricity etc. with every siblings helping out, the financial burden on each and everyone is significantly lessen.
i really thank God for blessing us and honestly the financial burden on a single child (especially if both wife and husband are the only child) is extremely heavy with 4 parents to support.
so if you could, always remember to put aside $50 or more for your own future. just yours not your kids, not your grandchildren. -
[quote="MummyThreeStreams]
You have a really understanding and supportive husband![/quote]
both dh’s sisters are sahm and their husbands give his parents $$$ too. so i guess this does make a difference to his willingness and understanding.
my dad wasnt comfortable with the idea of taking $$$ from dh but dh was very persuasive and got his way. -
[quote] You have lovely hubby dear... I dont think my DH will ever support my parents :([/quote]
LKVM, you are not alone. My stingy DH behaves this way too. My PIL behaves like that too..It is all in the gene.
So since day 1 ds is born, I have been brainwashing him to treat this mummy well. :lol:[/quote] -
My parents dun need me and my siblings to support them financially. But since we started working we have been giving them a token allowance. Somehow, our parents insist that when we have kids, they will help us look after them. My mum simply loves babies. So when my parents were looking after my kids, I still give them an allowance and a token fee of $800 a mth for looking after my kids. Milk powder, diapers, etc are all bought by ourselves. With my parents, that $800 given to them is still spent on our kids.
Now that they are no longer looking after our kids, I still give them that $800 plus their allowance. And every year end, they get AWS from me too.
The understanding with my parents is for us to give whatever we are comfortable with they have never stipulated any amounts. It is more a gesture then them having to depend on our allowances for their livelihood.
DH takes care of his parents' allowances himself. For them however, they keep negotiating for higher allowances and also will keep asking DH to pay for this and that. It used to be a couple of hundred each to his father and mother. Now he gives up to $1000 each. On top of that, he is taking care of their household bills and all their holidays are paid for by him and SIL. DH keeps wondering why they keep asking for more since the amount given to them between him and his sister can easily feed a family of 4. And both PILs are still working. Told him if he can still manage then give them since it appears important to them. If at some point he feels that it is too much then put his foot down and tell them. He is afraid that there is no end to their asking.
For DH and I we are earning a comfortable amounts so how much to give our parents have never been much of an issue. However if we are earning just about enough to get by then I will say my immediate family's needs will have to come first.
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