Disciplinarian vs Nurturer: can the two co-exist?

[jnj0910]

oh, and in-laws are already instructed not to interfere, else i just swop my child up and go away.


tks to hubby who is on my side

[janet88]

I am also a SAHM…I’m the one who disciplines the kids, plans the time-table and makes sure son follows…I’m strict with kids and hubby stands on my side…this year, he has been working from home quite a bit and he does discipline them when he sees them naughty.


It’s tiring to be the disciplinarian all the time, but there is no choice.
However, my kids are still close to me.

[KidzRKooL]

janet_lee88:

It's tiring to be the disciplinarian all the time, but there is no choice.

However, my kids are still close to me.

I very much agree with this comment here. I couldn't have said it better myself.

@Angelight: Please don't be too sad. Although you're the nurturer and disciplinarian, it sounds like you're doing exactly what you're supposed to. Mommies are ALWAYS going to play the role of good guy/bad guy. Believe me, I know this first hand because I'm pretty much in the same boat. The only piece of advice I can provide is that you just get used to the fact that everyone will constantly be judging you. Whether or not they have children themselves, everyone is going to say \"I can do better\"; even if they really can't.

The best thing to do is to take things in stride and YES, PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK! It sounds like you're doing a very good job and if your kid is responding well, then you're o.k. As for the situation with your husband, I would recommend a talk, for sure. While mommies are both good/bad guys, daddies have to play the same role. Certainly make this known to him. Write down examples so you can win the argument. Hee hee.

Good luck!

____________
It's my firm belief that every school should have http://www.aaastateofplay.com/!

[janet88]

When kids do not behave well, the finger will always point in the direction of the mother…never the father. I am their coach, planner, doctor, nurse, maid and also the one who disciplines them…daddy is their playmate and always the good guy.

I can be the good as well as bad guy…but 99% of the time, I’m the bad guy bcos I have to nag at them not to waste time, to get work done, take a bath etc etc…they will still come to me when they are unhappy. This is something I cherish the most.

[Angelight]

Thanks all who have shared with me their parenting and disciplining methods. I really appreciate cos as a first-time mum and with only one child, I have no prior experiences and no chance to do a better job on another child. Hence the pressure of disciplining on this one precious child so as to make sure she will grow up right. Plus I have no help from extended family, and often interference from in-laws = added stress. Guess I was getting burnt out…


Kidzrcool, thanks for your timely encouragement and advice. You are right, I do need to take things in stride and be less hard on myself as a mother and parent. Had a talk with DH and he agreed to be the disciplinarian at times so we can balance out our roles.

jnj0910, I agree with you that disciplining is part of loving a child. But a 3-year-old kid won’t understand that. And I always explain to her why I have to discipline her, and ONLY punish her when nice words don’t work.
sometimes after disciplining her, I will go to her later and hug/kiss her. Sometime she will want me, sometimes she doesn’t. But overall, she is still close to me. But compare to her daddy, he is still No 1. A typical 'Daddy’s Girl"!

[markfch]

Angelight:

And I always explain to her why I have to discipline her, and ONLY punish her when nice words don't work.

sometimes after disciplining her, I will go to her later and hug/kiss her. Sometime she will want me, sometimes she doesn't. But overall, she is still close to me. But compare to her daddy, he is still No 1. A typical 'Daddy's Girl\"!

For me, I do most of the disciplining at home too (but no caning, only scolding/time-outs esp. when ds is rude). But as for now, ds is really much closer to me compared to dw, to dw's guilt :lol: . When ds has nightmares, hurt himself he'll call out my name and he'll also naturally share his feelings with me if he has a bad day at sch.

DW hardly ever disciplines him. Come to think about it, she also does a lot of things for ds but it's just that those are not so visible (like cooking proper meals, packing his bag). The things I do are more visible, like bedtime reading, piano practising, computer gaming (yes, I'm the game expert to ds). So I guess for ds, what matters more is who spends more time interacting with him, not necessarily who disciplines him less.

[jnj0910]

markfch:


you are right, it's who spends the more time interacting that matters...
another reason to tell my hubby to get helper to dohouse work

[Angelight]

Hi Markfch,


If it's spending more time with the child, then I think I do spend more time interacting with DD than DH cos he is at work Mon-Fri and when he is home, he is always on his book/newspapers/TV/laptop. But DD is still very clingy to him and will pester him to play with her when he is home.

Maybe she regards me as a strict discipline master and her daddy as the indulging dad. Whenever DH is home, I will be \"pushed\" to the backseat. How sad...

But when he is at work, I'm \"promoted\" to the front seat again. :?

[janet88]

Angelight:

Hi Markfch,


If it's spending more time with the child, then I think I do spend more time interacting with DD than DH cos he is at work Mon-Fri and when he is home, he is always on his book/newspapers/TV/laptop. But DD is still very clingy to him and will pester him to play with her when he is home.

Maybe she regards me as a strict discipline master and her daddy as the indulging dad. Whenever DH is home, I will be \"pushed\" to the backseat. How sad...

But when he is at work, I'm \"promoted\" to the front seat again. :?

Hubby works from home most of the time...but he's like 'there but not touchable' because of his conference calls. But when he's not working, he's always on the TV or laptop too :x

[buds]

markfch:

For me, I do most of the disciplining at home too (but no caning, only scolding/time-outs esp. when ds is rude).

Discipline.... hmmm... :idea:

Hubs and i share both the good and the bad and yes... :evil: ... also the ughly (ugly). :rubhands:
It's only fair that we both walk the talk. Don't waddle.

But the girls are equally close to us. :love:

Though hubs always says & thinks otherwise. :roll:

DDs will go to him when he's playing his iPhone game and step on his soles/
feet and ask, \"Is this nice daddy? You must be tired after work...\"

Or the occasional, \"Can we play Othello or Monopoly together, i miss playing
with you...\"

And they'd also come to me and ask, \"Can i snuggle up on your bed before
i go to my room to sleep so that we can chat for a while... i love bonding with u, mom..\" :love:

markfch:

DW hardly ever disciplines him. Come to think about it, she also does a lot of things for ds but it's just that those are not so visible (like cooking proper meals, packing his bag). The things I do are more visible, like bedtime reading, piano practising, computer gaming (yes, I'm the game expert to ds). So I guess for ds, what matters more is who spends more time interacting with him, not necessarily who disciplines him less.

Now now markfch... \"YOU\" sure need the cane now. :spank:

Whaddya mean by.... ermmm... cooking proper meals aren't visible, huh?
Explain yourself! :rant:

Btw... DS should already start learning to pack his own bag hor.
Next year P1 oredi...

As for the interacting part, i'd rather think of that interaction as
\"quality interaction\" as opposed to who does \"more interaction\".

It can work if one knows which strings to pull at which time...
Just like how we wifeys pull our the strings of our husbands'.. :evil:

Works almost the same way, but think kiddie level.