Disciplinarian vs Nurturer: can the two co-exist?

[buds]

markfch:

For me, I do most of the disciplining at home too (but no caning, only scolding/time-outs esp. when ds is rude).

Discipline.... hmmm... :idea:

Hubs and i share both the good and the bad and yes... :evil: ... also the ughly (ugly). :rubhands:
It's only fair that we both walk the talk. Don't waddle.

But the girls are equally close to us. :love:

Though hubs always says & thinks otherwise. :roll:

DDs will go to him when he's playing his iPhone game and step on his soles/
feet and ask, \"Is this nice daddy? You must be tired after work...\"

Or the occasional, \"Can we play Othello or Monopoly together, i miss playing
with you...\"

And they'd also come to me and ask, \"Can i snuggle up on your bed before
i go to my room to sleep so that we can chat for a while... i love bonding with u, mom..\" :love:

markfch:

DW hardly ever disciplines him. Come to think about it, she also does a lot of things for ds but it's just that those are not so visible (like cooking proper meals, packing his bag). The things I do are more visible, like bedtime reading, piano practising, computer gaming (yes, I'm the game expert to ds). So I guess for ds, what matters more is who spends more time interacting with him, not necessarily who disciplines him less.

Now now markfch... \"YOU\" sure need the cane now. :spank:

Whaddya mean by.... ermmm... cooking proper meals aren't visible, huh?
Explain yourself! :rant:

Btw... DS should already start learning to pack his own bag hor.
Next year P1 oredi...

As for the interacting part, i'd rather think of that interaction as
\"quality interaction\" as opposed to who does \"more interaction\".

It can work if one knows which strings to pull at which time...
Just like how we wifeys pull our the strings of our husbands'.. :evil:

Works almost the same way, but think kiddie level.

[pummanuel]

Angelight:

Maybe she regards me as a strict discipline master and her daddy as the indulging dad. Whenever DH is home, I will be \"pushed\" to the backseat. How sad...

But when he is at work, I'm \"promoted\" to the front seat again. :?

Hi Angelight

I think we are pretty much in the same boat. I'm a SAHM with a 4 year old daughter. I have no help from both my parents and in laws since my daughter was born. And my husband's favourite companion at home is his PC, watching online dramas and movies. I’m basically an AIO (All-in-one) parent – nurturer, disciplinarian, cook, maid, doctor, etc. And as I don’t have any help, my daughter is alike an Amex card, I don’t leave home without it.

But alas, whenever my husband is at work, I will be my daughter's #1 companion and when he's back, I become a backup. I think I got over it as I’ve already been warned of this situation by a SAHM friend who has a son. (So I guess it’s not a matter of son or daughter.)

Also, I read somewhere that it’s natural for a child to look for the working parent as it’s a child’s inert desire to bond with their parents and since that parent is hardly at home, the desire to be with that parent is stronger. Another school of thought is a child instinctively knows who is the breadwinner of the family and hence the survival instinct in them will create that desire to be close to that working parent. I guess this trait will be more obvious in families with SAHMs.

But I’m sure when your daughter is sick or has nightmares, etc, the first person she will look for is YOU! This is because you are the best person to make her feel secure. And sense of security is very crucial for a child’s well-being.

I think she’s just prioritizing her time to be with daddy whenever daddy is back and not because mummy is too strict with her. You can see it as her first steps towards time managment.

For my case, I will encourage my daughter to play with her father whenever he’s back. This will mean more time for myself - time to finish my housework, time to read my books, time to surf the internet. I treasure this moment!

[jnj0910]

agree with you pummanuel, make use of the precious \"me time\" when daddy's home

[markfch]

Angelight:

Hi Markfch,


If it's spending more time with the child, then I think I do spend more time interacting with DD than DH cos he is at work Mon-Fri and when he is home, he is always on his book/newspapers/TV/laptop. But DD is still very clingy to him and will pester him to play with her when he is home.

Maybe she regards me as a strict discipline master and her daddy as the indulging dad. Whenever DH is home, I will be \"pushed\" to the backseat. How sad...

But when he is at work, I'm \"promoted\" to the front seat again. :?

Maybe your dd wants to be fair, in that she wishes to spend quality time equally with both her parents . Btw when you say you're strict, how strict is that? Though I'm the disciplinarian at home, I'm actually quite lax with discipine :oops: . Just the other day dw commented why I allow ds to talk to me as an equal. But I thought that it's ok. To me, ds is mature enough for us to discuss things as peers, most times anyway.

[markfch]

buds:

DDs will go to him when he's playing his iPhone game and step on his soles/
feet and ask, \"Is this nice daddy? You must be tired after work...\"

Or the occasional, \"Can we play Othello or Monopoly together, i miss playing
with you...\"

Your dd are so sweet, just like their mum .

buds:

Now now markfch... \"YOU\" sure need the cane now. :spank:

Whaddya mean by.... ermmm... cooking proper meals aren't visible, huh?
Explain yourself! :rant:

No I don't mean cooking is not appreciated, just that it's not so interactive as compared to sharing jokes/stories.

buds:

Btw... DS should already start learning to pack his own bag hor.
Next year P1 oredi...

You sounded like his k2 teacher when you said that . Let's see how's the progress of this one. The other project (about valuing $$) is permanently kiv cos we hit a roadblock :oops: .

[buds]

markfch:

Your dd are so sweet, just like their mum :D.

Thank you! :please:

markfch:

No I don't mean cooking is not appreciated, just that it's not so interactive as compared to sharing jokes/stories.

Not true.. or perhaps just that i involve my girls in the purchasing,
preparation process and also the cooking proper sometimes. Other
times, they just come into the kitchen and ask to watch how dinner
would be cooked that day.

Even washing dishes together can be interactive... They soap up
the plates and cutlery... i rinse... another dries them up ... and we
chat at the same time. :love:

Yes, i do agree that sharing jokes (the sillier the more remembered) :roll:
and also sharing stories definitely makes an impact to interaction especially
if done during quiet moments together.

buds:

Btw... DS should already start learning to pack his own bag hor. Next year P1 oredi...

markfch:

You sounded like his k2 teacher when you said that . Let's see how's the progress of this one.

Once a teacher... always a teacher bah.. :politebleah:

markfch:

The other project (about valuing $$) is permanently kiv cos we hit a roadblock :oops: .

Wei!

I offered you lotsa ideas there leh! Still nothing works arh?

YOU! Yes, you there markfch! :spank:

Stop pampering him with material stuff! :lol:

[markfch]

buds:

Stop pampering him with material stuff! :lol:

Somehow I think you understand me so well.

DS recently won a prize and my mum & bro decided to reward him with $200 cash, right into his pocket. Sis also promised to buy him a whatever-you-desire-no-budget-limit toy. So you think so easy to inculcate the right values meh?

A smart parent picks his battle. I'll lose this battle but win the war later (I hope ).

[markfch]

LKVM:

Why? wats the roadblock? U

What to do. I carry my father's genes mah (oops, now starting to blame my shortcomings on other people oredi :oops: ).

[foreverj]

Angelight:

As a SAHM, the amt of time I spend with my child is 24/7. Naturally, I'm the teacher, nurturer as well as discipline master. But sometimes I find it emotionally conflicting to be both a nurturer and disciplinarian.

...
I find it emotionally draining that I am ALWAYS the one who discipline my child. My hubby is at work all day and even when he is home in the night and on weekends, he seldom disciplines our child. He sometimes even turns a deaf ear or a blind eye when DD is misbehaving or refuses to eat her meals. So I always end up being the 'bad guy' and disciplining DD, which i resent cos I want to enjoy my child too. But if I don't discipline her, no one would as I don't have help from parents or in-laws. I don't want DD to become a spoilt brat if there is no one to keep her in hand.

But playing both roles of a disciplinarian and nurturer is taking a toll on me, emotionally....
Feeling kindda down now cos sick and tired of always playing the 'bad guy' and falling favour with DD whenever I discipline her...very emotionally draining for me. Hope some kind souls can shed some light for me. Thanks.

hi angelight, since u r the full-time parent with your dd, dun worry abt falling out of favour with her. i m sure she knows, when all things said n done, u r the one she can depend on and trust to be always there for her. :love:

does your dd attend school yet? i think emotionally it can be draining for u if u face her 24/7, esp when she's at an age when she can be unpredictable and stil have terrible twos/fours. dun be so hard on yourself that she's hard to dicipline ya?

as for in-laws, honestly, if they really behave the way u decribe, its possible that u r constantly challenged, making u seem like the 'wrong\" one in front of your daughter. try to get your dh to talk to his parents - they shld not interfere with the disciplining, since they r not doing any at all. anyway, i stil feel that disciplining is the parents' job, not the grandparents or the maid's. granparents have done their part when we were young, our kids r our responsibility now.

more imptly, you need to get dh's support that he wil stand by you (in terms of real disciplining). there are times dh wil let dd eat all kinds of rubbish and end up, she gets sick n i can't work and have to take care of dd :stupid: so after that, i tell dh sure, go ahead and let her eat, just make sure u r the one who takes leave to take care of her when she's sick. after that, no worries at all - i have his full co-operation u see, if he's not suffering from the consequences, he probably won't care.

for myself, i m fortunate that dd is very close to me. so i can be the nurturer and disciplinarian. same goes for dh, even though he works long hours. he spends a lot of time with dd on weekends n dd recognises that if its papa or mama's words, she must listen. havin said that, there r times she's tired or under the weather, n there wil b days when she's just plain naughty. i m usually the one who loses temper, unlike dh who wil b more patient.

hope the above helps and all the best to u

[Blobbi]

Angelight, I second what foreverj wrote - don't be so hard on yourself. The very fact that you're wringing your hands shows you're self-checking to improve your relationship with your daughter. That can only be positive.


I wish I can be as confident and assured as Deminc and Tamarind - they are model mums and I'm so glad to learn from them too. It does take time to find your groove, and as foreverj says, your daughter is at an age when she's changing fast and learning new buttons to press everyday. Try to relax now and then - I know I'm a better mum when I go for a massage. :lol: