Vexed.... wat to do?
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northernstar:
hi MMM... i'm not sure he will behave like that to other female collics at other sites but a close fren also dun hv gd impression of him and said he's sarcastic. he's oso a kpo type... as a colleague, we should treat each other with respect rite? some things are sensitive and should nt take as a joke... or mebe i'm not open enough..
northernstar, this has got nothing with being open or not open enough. So what if you're open or not open enough, you can choose NOT to be open with him still.
If you're uncomfortable, it's called sexual harassment. There's no grounds for him (and you) to pretend it's not.
You're right. He's not respecting your boundaries.
He knows you're uncomfortable, but he chooses to do it anyway.
The only antidote is a strong signal to put an end to all nonsense, so that you can have a proper working relationship with him.
Maybe this would work:
The next time he calls you Darling, you say \"Please do not call me that again. I mean it, and the next thing you do it, I will report you\". And then give him a grim smile. And wave a drafted letter in his face to warn him that you mean business.
He'll say \"wat bullshit. just being friendly only lah\", \"so serious for what\", \"you too sensitive\", \"don't be so old fashioned\", \"report report lor\" ......
Let him say what he wants. It's still sexual harrassment.
And 99.9% chance, he'll do it again (to test water). Be prepared for this, don't be too upset. Be decisive. Report him. Write an email, tell him not to do it again in front of other colleagues (who's on your side), or report to the boss.
The tactic is to make it sound to your boss like he's a big nuisance and liability to work with. Send your boss the message like \"Boss, even if I leave, you'll never be able to hire a female worker because he's a lecher.\"
Good luck! -
do you have family pic or pic of your kids on your workdesk?
yes, some people can be harmless regardless of the cheeky comments. but stay clear of them if you don’t feel comfy. -
jedamum:
do you have family pic or pic of your kids on your workdesk?yes, some people can be harmless regardless of the cheeky comments. but stay clear of them if you don't feel comfy.
If I know the bad sheep of my gender well enough, this would never work . -
northernstar:
yes kaka u r rite... i did try embarrass him but he's thick-skinned lol. i dun shout at him cos later i gif others bad impression
Embarrassment doesn't work.
You need to strike real fear into his heart. Embarrassment, ignoring him, reasoning, bargaining, giving in (worst!) will never work.
I know this type of 色狼 pattern very well, but I'm not one.
He'll howl like a cornered wolf when he's fearful..
But that's the way to go, gal. -
qizai:
of maybe next time he calls the TS 'darling', the TS can said, 'bu yao hai wo leh' (ie don't frame me leh),'later my husband hear that, he is going to kill me'. then find opportunity for your dh to fetch you from work.
The next time he calls you Darling, you say \"Please do not call me that again. I mean it, and the next thing you do it, I will report you\". And then give him a grim smile. And wave a drafted letter in his face to warn him that you mean business.
He'll say \"wat bullshit. just being friendly only lah\", \"so serious for what\", \"you too sensitive\", \"don't be so old fashioned\", \"report report lor\" ......
if he said \"wat bullshit. just being friendly only lah\", \"so serious for what\", \"you too sensitive\", \"don't be so old fashioned\", ......
you can retort \"my dh very possessive, friendly guys also cannot leh\", \"this is serious matter leh, don't play play\",\"ya lor, i very sensitive and old fashion de\".
and cont to keep a distance. -
hi qizai… u’re great! advised mi so much… yes u’re rite… in e 1st incident, i felt that it was sexual harrassment but i was not sure cos i tink i’m stil naive or wat… i dunno wat isit called…
even i report 2 my boss or his boss… i oso dunno anyone will believe anot cos there is always no witness around. if no one believes mi, i will end up embarrassing myself. den if word spreads, it will be very awkward to work here any longer.
hi jedamum… no i dun hv hubby yet lol. mebe u’re rite… he dunno i’m attached so he’s cheeky. but reallymust report? call ‘darling’ is a crime too?
what will happen if after reporting, everyone knows this incident? victim or ‘lecher’ will be more embarrassed? some more i dun hv any work related wif him. he’s from another dept. but we r in same office. mebe i oso wont work here forever… cos i’m only a contract staff.
if only there’s another female colleague around den i can get more support haiz… wonder why men r like that. i din even wear any sexy clothes to work or put on makeup. isit cos of my friendliness gettin myself into trouble? -
jedamum:
This is a very good response and is both diplomatic and serious, but I think must say it like 花木兰，and not 杨贵妃.
of maybe next time he calls the TS 'darling', the TS can said, 'bu yao hai wo leh' (ie don't frame me leh),'later my husband hear that, he is going to kill me'. then find opportunity for your dh to fetch you from work.qizai:
The next time he calls you Darling, you say \"Please do not call me that again. I mean it, and the next thing you do it, I will report you\". And then give him a grim smile. And wave a drafted letter in his face to warn him that you mean business.
He'll say \"wat bullshit. just being friendly only lah\", \"so serious for what\", \"you too sensitive\", \"don't be so old fashioned\", \"report report lor\" ......
if he said \"wat bullshit. just being friendly only lah\", \"so serious for what\", \"you too sensitive\", \"don't be so old fashioned\", ......
you can retort \"my dh very possessive, friendly guys also cannot leh\", \"this is serious matter leh, don't play play\",\"ya lor, i very sensitive and old fashion de\".
and cont to keep a distance.
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wat if no hubby to fetch mi home? wat if bf no car to fetch mi home? :?
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northernstar:
You're very welcome.hi qizai... u're great! advised mi so much... yes u're rite.. in e 1st incident, i felt that it was sexual harrassment but i was not sure cos i tink i'm stil naive or wat... i dunno wat isit called..
even i report 2 my boss or his boss... i oso dunno anyone will believe anot cos there is always no witness around. if no one believes mi, i will end up embarrassing myself. den if word spreads, it will be very awkward to work here any longer.
hi jedamum.. no i dun hv hubby yet lol. mebe u're rite.. he dunno i'm attached so he's cheeky. but reallymust report? call 'darling' is a crime too?
what will happen if after reporting, everyone knows this incident? victim or 'lecher' will be more embarrassed? some more i dun hv any work related wif him. he's from another dept. but we r in same office. mebe i oso wont work here forever.. cos i'm only a contract staff.
if only there's another female colleague around den i can get more support haiz... wonder why men r like that. i din even wear any sexy clothes to work or put on makeup. isit cos of my friendliness gettin myself into trouble?
To reiterate my point, this is definitely called sexual harassment. Different people have different thresholds, and there's no need to feel that you're \"wrong\" not being able to accept it, or that you have to change to learn to accept it. You're definitely right in how you feel about it!
Okay, for a start, it's good that you place photos for your boyfriend on your desk, like jedamum have suggested. Maybe it would scare him off (if he's timid). Make your boyfriend look a bit tougher in the photo.
My earlier advice is actually more suitable for really-hard core lechers who go around touching girls, with plenty of evidence in hand.
Yup, evidence is an issue, and it could get awkward for you. But you know what, he may be banking on this to get away with it. He's like North Korea. Fire some missiles, and still want to press on with it. Now, you must act a bit like South Korea. Bark bark a little, but keep away from real retaliation for the time being. Better still, get a big brother United States to help you. How about your immediate superior? Is he sympathetic?
When the crunch comes to deciding who's right and wrong, if the boss is not the ultra righteous or the weak weak type, contract may not be renewed.
Right now, maybe the best way is to be both diplomatic and yet send a real message. I'm not an expert in this. Maybe there's some books on this which you can borrow from the library or buy.
I don't know why men are like this. We're just like this.
Well, friendliness is not a sin. But some people tend to take advantage of it. It's an experience. Size up guys, before you get too friendly with them.
I do realize some women I talk to are very straight faced and unfriendly at first, but become friendlier later because I guess maybe I don't seem to them like the wolf type. So maybe this is a good defence tactic for you? -
northernstar:
wat if no hubby to fetch mi home? wat if bf no car to fetch mi home? :?
Then get your bf to wait outside your office, if he's able.
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