Vexed.... wat to do?

[qizai]

jedamum:

do you have family pic or pic of your kids on your workdesk?yes, some people can be harmless regardless of the cheeky comments. but stay clear of them if you don't feel comfy.

If I know the bad sheep of my gender well enough, this would never work .

[qizai]

northernstar:

yes kaka u r rite... i did try embarrass him but he's thick-skinned lol. i dun shout at him cos later i gif others bad impression

Embarrassment doesn't work.

You need to strike real fear into his heart. Embarrassment, ignoring him, reasoning, bargaining, giving in (worst!) will never work.

I know this type of 色狼 pattern very well, but I'm not one.

He'll howl like a cornered wolf when he's fearful..

But that's the way to go, gal.

[jedamum]

qizai:

The next time he calls you Darling, you say \"Please do not call me that again. I mean it, and the next thing you do it, I will report you\". And then give him a grim smile. And wave a drafted letter in his face to warn him that you mean business.

He'll say \"wat bullshit. just being friendly only lah\", \"so serious for what\", \"you too sensitive\", \"don't be so old fashioned\", \"report report lor\" ......

of maybe next time he calls the TS 'darling', the TS can said, 'bu yao hai wo leh' (ie don't frame me leh),'later my husband hear that, he is going to kill me'. then find opportunity for your dh to fetch you from work.

if he said \"wat bullshit. just being friendly only lah\", \"so serious for what\", \"you too sensitive\", \"don't be so old fashioned\", ......

you can retort \"my dh very possessive, friendly guys also cannot leh\", \"this is serious matter leh, don't play play\",\"ya lor, i very sensitive and old fashion de\".

and cont to keep a distance.

[northernstar]

hi qizai… u’re great! advised mi so much… yes u’re rite… in e 1st incident, i felt that it was sexual harrassment but i was not sure cos i tink i’m stil naive or wat… i dunno wat isit called…


even i report 2 my boss or his boss… i oso dunno anyone will believe anot cos there is always no witness around. if no one believes mi, i will end up embarrassing myself. den if word spreads, it will be very awkward to work here any longer.

hi jedamum… no i dun hv hubby yet lol. mebe u’re rite… he dunno i’m attached so he’s cheeky. but reallymust report? call ‘darling’ is a crime too?

what will happen if after reporting, everyone knows this incident? victim or ‘lecher’ will be more embarrassed? some more i dun hv any work related wif him. he’s from another dept. but we r in same office. mebe i oso wont work here forever… cos i’m only a contract staff.

if only there’s another female colleague around den i can get more support haiz… wonder why men r like that. i din even wear any sexy clothes to work or put on makeup. isit cos of my friendliness gettin myself into trouble?

[qizai]

jedamum:

qizai:

The next time he calls you Darling, you say \"Please do not call me that again. I mean it, and the next thing you do it, I will report you\". And then give him a grim smile. And wave a drafted letter in his face to warn him that you mean business.

He'll say \"wat bullshit. just being friendly only lah\", \"so serious for what\", \"you too sensitive\", \"don't be so old fashioned\", \"report report lor\" ......

of maybe next time he calls the TS 'darling', the TS can said, 'bu yao hai wo leh' (ie don't frame me leh),'later my husband hear that, he is going to kill me'. then find opportunity for your dh to fetch you from work.

if he said \"wat bullshit. just being friendly only lah\", \"so serious for what\", \"you too sensitive\", \"don't be so old fashioned\", ......

you can retort \"my dh very possessive, friendly guys also cannot leh\", \"this is serious matter leh, don't play play\",\"ya lor, i very sensitive and old fashion de\".
and cont to keep a distance.

This is a very good response and is both diplomatic and serious, but I think must say it like 花木兰，and not 杨贵妃.

[northernstar]

wat if no hubby to fetch mi home? wat if bf no car to fetch mi home? :?

[qizai]

northernstar:

hi qizai... u're great! advised mi so much... yes u're rite.. in e 1st incident, i felt that it was sexual harrassment but i was not sure cos i tink i'm stil naive or wat... i dunno wat isit called..


even i report 2 my boss or his boss... i oso dunno anyone will believe anot cos there is always no witness around. if no one believes mi, i will end up embarrassing myself. den if word spreads, it will be very awkward to work here any longer.

hi jedamum.. no i dun hv hubby yet lol. mebe u're rite.. he dunno i'm attached so he's cheeky. but reallymust report? call 'darling' is a crime too?

what will happen if after reporting, everyone knows this incident? victim or 'lecher' will be more embarrassed? some more i dun hv any work related wif him. he's from another dept. but we r in same office. mebe i oso wont work here forever.. cos i'm only a contract staff.

if only there's another female colleague around den i can get more support haiz... wonder why men r like that. i din even wear any sexy clothes to work or put on makeup. isit cos of my friendliness gettin myself into trouble?

You're very welcome.

To reiterate my point, this is definitely called sexual harassment. Different people have different thresholds, and there's no need to feel that you're \"wrong\" not being able to accept it, or that you have to change to learn to accept it. You're definitely right in how you feel about it!

Okay, for a start, it's good that you place photos for your boyfriend on your desk, like jedamum have suggested. Maybe it would scare him off (if he's timid). Make your boyfriend look a bit tougher in the photo.

My earlier advice is actually more suitable for really-hard core lechers who go around touching girls, with plenty of evidence in hand.

Yup, evidence is an issue, and it could get awkward for you. But you know what, he may be banking on this to get away with it. He's like North Korea. Fire some missiles, and still want to press on with it. Now, you must act a bit like South Korea. Bark bark a little, but keep away from real retaliation for the time being. Better still, get a big brother United States to help you. How about your immediate superior? Is he sympathetic?

When the crunch comes to deciding who's right and wrong, if the boss is not the ultra righteous or the weak weak type, contract may not be renewed.

Right now, maybe the best way is to be both diplomatic and yet send a real message. I'm not an expert in this. Maybe there's some books on this which you can borrow from the library or buy.

I don't know why men are like this. We're just like this.

Well, friendliness is not a sin. But some people tend to take advantage of it. It's an experience. Size up guys, before you get too friendly with them.

I do realize some women I talk to are very straight faced and unfriendly at first, but become friendlier later because I guess maybe I don't seem to them like the wolf type. So maybe this is a good defence tactic for you?

[qizai]

northernstar:

wat if no hubby to fetch mi home? wat if bf no car to fetch mi home? :?

Then get your bf to wait outside your office, if he's able.

[northernstar]

qizai:

My earlier advice is actually more suitable for really-hard core lechers who go around touching girls, with plenty of evidence in hand.

Yup, evidence is an issue, and it could get awkward for you. But you know what, he may be banking on this to get away with it. He's like North Korea. Fire some missiles, and still want to press on with it. Now, you must act a bit like South Korea. Bark bark a little, but keep away from real retaliation for the time being. Better still, get a big brother United States to help you. How about your immediate superior? Is he sympathetic?

When the crunch comes to deciding who's right and wrong, if the boss is not the ultra righteous or the weak weak type, contract may not be renewed.

Well, friendliness is not a sin. But some people tend to take advantage of it. It's an experience. Size up guys, before you get too friendly with them.

I do realize some women I talk to are very straight faced and unfriendly at first, but become friendlier later because I guess maybe I don't seem to them like the wolf type. So maybe this is a good defence tactic for you?

hi qizai.. i only heard that my boss is one who defends own workers and we can always approaches him for anything. my immediate supervisor is a direct person.. i dunno whether he's e sympathetic type.

usually, i do not talk much in e office cos i'm e quiet type... i only open up to those i can trust and comfortable with. mebe i should ask that sicko to wake up and look in e mirror! does he want his daughter to be harrassed too??

i can only think of askin a collic to stay in e office with mi when tt sicko comin back so he dun tok rubbish. but i dunno how to kai kou...

[qizai]

northernstar:

hi qizai.. i only heard that my boss is one who defends own workers and we can always approaches him for anything. my immediate supervisor is a direct person.. i dunno whether he's e sympathetic type.

usually, i do not talk much in e office cos i'm e quiet type... i only open up to those i can trust and comfortable with. mebe i should ask that sicko to wake up and look in e mirror! does he want his daughter to be harrassed too??

i can only think of askin a collic to stay in e office with mi when tt sicko comin back so he dun tok rubbish. but i dunno how to kai kou...

Your immediate superior is the first person you should talk to first, otherwise he wouldn't look good if you talk to the boss straightaway. Sound him out first. See if he's sympathetic.

Next time, if he calls you Darling again, maybe you can shoot him \"your daughter got uncle your age call her darling in her school or not\"?

Asking colleague to stay with you is a good prevention measure, but maybe it's also good to concurrently talk to your superior too.

All the best!