disappointment wif kids

[wywy2]

Hi 24hr-mum,


I really identify with you. As much as I remind myself not to judge myself by my children’s results, I find I get quite stressed when I realize that at times my efforts seem to go down the drain. Sometimes, they are still rude, at others, they do not do very well in school.

I used to work in a bank and would take great pride in doing a job well, but now I have to keep telling myself my children are different, they are human beings and not numbers to crunch or customers you need to serve well to maintain your KPI.

Now, I find what helps me is I tell myself to enjoy them each day and to always focus on their strengths and not their weakness. Of course I want to minimise their weakness but at the same time, I want to really focus on their strengths and encourage them in that. My daughter loves to dance and although it is not very important to me, because it is important to her and it is her strength, I encourage her to go further in that area even if it means cutting down on other areas like extra chinese creative writing classes.

They grow up so fast and I do not want to waste my time with them being stressed and driving them and myself up the wall.

Hope this little sharing helps. But I think all mums whether stay home or working mums have to keep fighting guilt and pressure and stress which is usually put on by ourselves.

[sleepy]

24hr-mum:

do any of u parents feel disappointed wif ur kids at times, that despite the amt of time, effort n $ or even sacrificing ur career to be sahm, ur kids rude to ur, disobey u, disrespect u, argue wif u etc?

Being a SAHM, I felt being took for granted, especially by my dd1, no respect at times.

Whenever she 'abuses' me, treating me like her emotional sand bag, dh will reprimand her if caught her yelling or behaving rudely to me. If I were to tell her off, she will scream unfair, as if she's the victim.

It doesn't happen all the time, probably 30% occurrence but this is totally unacceptable behaviour in my opinion :x On her good behaviour days, I do praise her for speaking amicably to me.

Academically, she is fine, exceeded my expectations. However, I do not believe in reward system or give rewards pegged to exam results. My emphasis has been consistent since day 1 - character building. And fillial piety is top on my list

So in that aspect, yes, I do feel disappointment in my dd.....& myself, I must have failed in some way in upbringing her. The puzzling thing is I raised my dd2 in the exact same way & yet she idolises me and is very respectful. I don't understand what went wrong

[24hr-mum]

to all mummies who replied, thanks a lot for your encouragement.

i became a sahm precisely to take over the behaviour and character builoding of my kids as i cant accept the way they were handled by mil (read: pampered way)

re the modelling part, just to share sthing. my #1 and #2 were brought up in an era when my mil was still staying wf me. tho i quit my job when #2 arrived, my mil’s presence meant an uphill task for me in overriding some of the ways they were brought up. #1 and #2 were rather pampered as in no initiative to self help becos help from granny (or even me) is always around without they hvg to ask. if i dont help, they wld be helped by the wrong way by my mil who alwayz strives to act faster than me when it comes to kids.

ironically, when #3 arrives and my mil moved out a wk after she was born, #3 is very independent vs her siblings. my maid wld teach her values and train her to do things herslf, somethng whc my mil never teach cos she thot to love kids is to serve them.
my number three models after my maid. she saw my maid keeps my shoes when i came home, and will not only keep her own shoes ie bring in from the door to the shoe cabinet, but also brings in my shoes to keep inside the cabinet too! she saw how the maid serves the family and learns to serve also. she saw how my maid wld bring the hanger frm the wardrobe to the ironing rm basket after we take out the clothes from the hanger when we are changing, and followed suit, ie transfer the hanger too. most of us just leave the hangers inside the wardrobe.
whenever she changes her clothes, she wld put her old clothes into the laundry basket instead of leaving them lying on the flr, the sofa etc unlike my other two kids who hv to be nagged at.

anyway back to my topic, ya, i would try to tell myself, at least being a sahm, i can be around to scold my kids instead of letting them do the wrong kids and no one bothers to tell them off…

[markfch]

* deleted *

[jedamum]

sleepy:

Being a SAHM, I felt being took for granted, especially by my dd1, no respect at times.

Whenever she 'abuses' me, treating me like her emotional sand bag, dh will reprimand her if caught her yelling or behaving rudely to me. If I were to tell her off, she will scream unfair, as if she's the victim.

It doesn't happen all the time, probably 30% occurrence but this is totally unacceptable behaviour in my opinion :x On her good behaviour days, I do praise her for speaking amicably to me.

Academically, she is fine, exceeded my expectations. However, I do not believe in reward system or give rewards pegged to exam results. My emphasis has been consistent since day 1 - character building. And fillial piety is top on my list

So in that aspect, yes, I do feel disappointment in my dd.....& myself, I must have failed in some way in upbringing her. The puzzling thing is I raised my dd2 in the exact same way & yet she idolises me and is very respectful. I don't understand what went wrong

maybe dd1's behaviour stems from jealousy of your close relationship with dd2?

[daddy2007]

tamarind:

Instead of sending to enrichment classes, parents should spend more time finding out what are the best methods to teach your kids. I believe that all kids love to learn by nature, but it is just that the teaching methods in the classes do not suit them.

I totally agree with this. We need to find the most appropriate method of teaching the child and they can learn very fast. Each child is really unique

[minnie2004]

sleepy:

Being a SAHM, I felt being took for granted, especially by my dd1, no respect at times.


Whenever she 'abuses' me, treating me like her emotional sand bag, dh will reprimand her if caught her yelling or behaving rudely to me. If I were to tell her off, she will scream unfair, as if she's the victim.

It doesn't happen all the time, probably 30% occurrence but this is totally unacceptable behaviour in my opinion :x On her good behaviour days, I do praise her for speaking amicably to me.

Academically, she is fine, exceeded my expectations. However, I do not believe in reward system or give rewards pegged to exam results. My emphasis has been consistent since day 1 - character building. And fillial piety is top on my list

So in that aspect, yes, I do feel disappointment in my dd.....& myself, I must have failed in some way in upbringing her. The puzzling thing is I raised my dd2 in the exact same way & yet she idolises me and is very respectful. I don't understand what went wrong

I have the same problem as you sleepy. My DD is very short-tempered and rude to me while my DS is very sweet and more obedient. Sometimes she would say very mean words to me which is really heart-breaking and makes me want to give up on her. I finally understand why some parents would say \"better deliver a char-siew than you\" to their own children :stupid:

Many of my friends also share similar experiences - it appears the first born children have more behavioral problems than their younger siblings. We conclude that it could be our higher stress levels during the first pregnancy, which is taking a toll on the baby's emotional stability. In my case, I was really worried and stressed when I was pregnant with DD. I was also unhappy at work and had constant argurments with my boss and DH. So when DD throws a tantrum on me, sometimes I'd tell myself not to blame everything on her as I'm also partially responsible for her character .

[tamarind]

daddy2007:

tamarind:

Instead of sending to enrichment classes, parents should spend more time finding out what are the best methods to teach your kids. I believe that all kids love to learn by nature, but it is just that the teaching methods in the classes do not suit them.

I totally agree with this. We need to find the most appropriate method of teaching the child and they can learn very fast. Each child is really unique

I have an ex-colleague who spent thousands of dollars on classes for his daughter, he still has lots of complains. He does not teach his daughter at all.

So it is not a matter of how much money parents spend on their kids. We still have to spend time and effort to make sure that they are learning well.

[Emelyn]

phankao:

janet_lee88:

...dad worked from morning to night, has no patience for us and scolded us when we make noise. .

I hate noise too - will get super frustrated when the house is noisy. Sadly, I have 3 boys!!!!!!!

I also hate noise.... though i hv 2 boys and a girl...it feels like I have a dozen of boys.

Not forgetting DS1 will add in noise from his electric guitar. and Frankly if I am already v frustrated with them... the noise just adds to the frustration and the blood pressure...

[tamarind]

sleepy:

Being a SAHM, I felt being took for granted, especially by my dd1, no respect at times.

Whenever she 'abuses' me, treating me like her emotional sand bag, dh will reprimand her if caught her yelling or behaving rudely to me. If I were to tell her off, she will scream unfair, as if she's the victim.

It doesn't happen all the time, probably 30% occurrence but this is totally unacceptable behaviour in my opinion :x On her good behaviour days, I do praise her for speaking amicably to me.

Academically, she is fine, exceeded my expectations. However, I do not believe in reward system or give rewards pegged to exam results. My emphasis has been consistent since day 1 - character building. And fillial piety is top on my list

So in that aspect, yes, I do feel disappointment in my dd.....& myself, I must have failed in some way in upbringing her. The puzzling thing is I raised my dd2 in the exact same way & yet she idolises me and is very respectful. I don't understand what went wrong

Don't think that way. Every child has a different character. Some kids may not be affectionate on the outside, but they do care about their parents, and they show it in subtle ways.

I do not accept any rude behaviour towards me, or to my mother. When my kids were rude, I made them apologize and punish them immediately, like making them write \"I will not be rude\" 100 times. If they dare to yell, the punishment was even severe, no caning though, but something that they dreaded. Now both of my kids do not dare to be rude. They do argue with me sometimes, but they do it calmly and I am fine with that.