disappointment wif kids
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Funz:
Hi Funz, I agree with you. I also avoid promising my boy gifts and rewards for good behaviour. We did it a few times when he was younger and man do they learn fast! He would refuse to do certain things unless he got something else in return. Hubby and I decided enough was enough. It took quite a while and lots of perseverance, but eventually he got the message.Someone mentioned reward system. But I realise for a lot of us, the reward system has become a bribery system. It is no longer a scenario of a child performing well and the parent giving him a treat for the good result. But more of the child negotiating to do well only if they are given something.
I try hard not to fall into that trap. Each time DD comes to me and ask me if she can have something if she does well or performs some task, I will tell her completing the task and doing well is her responsibility. If she does very well, naturally we will reward her but we shall not discuss the rewards now, only after the results. And so far, her rewards are more like little treats like ice-cream buffet, outings and activities rather then material stuff.
We're now trying for no. 2 and this is one of the mistakes we want to avoid repeating! -
3Boys:
Hi 24hr mum and 3boys, I understand what u mean! Pushing boundaries, testing your patience... my boy does that too.
Sounds very much like my 5 y.o.
At that age they will certainly push boundaries. Just set them and be firm, and you will have a better time as they mature. Some patience, they will grow up, and take heart, this is how 5 y.o. behave.
But I must say that it helps to set the 'rules' early. We were guilty of spoiling our boy and giving in to him too much when he was younger. But we realised that if we didn't make certain changes fast, he could turn into a real brat. So we started laying down some rules and being more firm with him. We stopped the rewards and gifts for gd behaviour because he was using it as his bargaining tool.
It was really quite tough in the beginning and we had to deal with alot of crying and tantrums... but we persevered. He's now 4 and I must say he's much more well behaved now.
It's important to stand firm, so he knows that no amount of crying or shouting will help him get his way. And at the same time, I found that it helped to explain my rationale for doing/not doing something, instead of just scolding him or refusing to give him what he wants.
Thankfully it worked, with time and lots of patience! If not, I don't think hubby or I can deal with a 2nd kid!! -
janet_lee88:
...dad worked from morning to night, has no patience for us and scolded us when we make noise. .
My daddie too.. (worked from morn to nite) but he was just different from other dads. :love:
He'd make whatever noise it was we were making....... into laughter. :snuggles:
He hardly scolded us and always believed in spending quality time... no matter how little that was then...
It was more my mumsie... who would have zero tolerance for noise or any nonsense for that matter.
She had to face us 24-7! It's understood larr.. (Now that i know.. :lol:)
She never fails to manage the house spotless, all of us fed, rested, read to, done homework (etc)....
And mind you... she wasn't exactly the English literate nor highly educated kinda mom.. :salute:
But she managed what she could, the best she could...
All that on top of having to finish sewing all the clothes, curtains, bedsheets, comforters (etc) from her customers' orders...
These days, i finally understood what it meant being mother.
Multi-tasking is inevitable but definitely a skill. So, to mumsie... :udawoman:phankao:
I have 2 girls. They CAN sound like 20 screaming girls AND behave likeI hate noise too - will get super frustrated when the house is noisy. Sadly, I have 3 boys!!!!!!!
2 obnoxious boys! :x Guess these days... in the ever changing generation
of children, gender ain't neccesarily a predictor of anything..
It has helped a bit from years of being in early childhood industry where
noise is a normal daily thing... no longer an occupational hazard. :lol: -
My dd is 16-yr old and will be in yr 5 next year. She is rather lazy and unmotivated and am disappointed with her celebrities worship.
Whenever she hears of her favourite Korean or Taiwanese superstars visiting here, she will avail herself at the airport to support them. Her idols are Farenheit, Shinning, Korean super actors and Asian superstar singer, Jay Chou. She has a small collection of their photos. Naturally, she spends alot of time and money over these matter and neglects her studies. When asked what is her ambition, she said: " I want to be a freelance professional". Hubby and me doesn’t understand this statement. Apart from this, she is frequently having long conversation on her handphone and thousands of sms mesages every month. Her standard of acdemic is being compromised but to her is no problem as she oftens says that our guys do not like girls smarter than them.
Unlike her prudent elder brother, her expenditure exceeds her allowance and she is paying the difference by giving maths tuition to one of her friends. -
ya before we step into toy section or popular, must always warn my boy: can see, can touch, cannot buy.
or if we go for some event, will forewarn him that event will end at…time, cannot cry or whine.
sigh. duno must tahan till when he will outgrow these.
tho reward is no gd, but i m hoping it can at least spur him to eat fast, do wk himself until a point when he realise eating fast, doing hmwk, is part n parcel of life and has accepted it instead of whining.
the point is i want to get it going first, ie get him going to do his hmwk n develop the skill n confidence first until he finds it so simple, he is willing to do the work n no longer needs the reward to spur him to challenges.
its a tricky thing n must know when to withdraw it -
foreverj:
ForeverjMummyThreeStreams:
Final word of encouragement (and I don't mean to offend the FTWMs out there), know that your involvement in your child's life does make a difference to them.
hi mummythreestreams, what a great post! i think u've hit the spot that ultimately it is a personal choice for mothers who decide to stay home for the kids. there is no g'tee how the kids will turn out, or even how close the r/s will be eventually.
for myself, i am reminded to be thankful of the times when i'm with dd, be it, when i'm able to bake cookies with dd after her school hours or when i'm peacefully drying her hair after her shower. i m reminded that yes, i sure love to spend time with her
yes that part i bolded is true.... my mum stayed home, and whilst I appreciated that, we are not close. I have friends who have more issues with their sahms, and friends who are like sisters with their ftwms. I am closer to my dad, who worked like most dads.
The impt thing is not to be a sahm EXPECTING that they will turn out better than kids of ftwms, or smarter, or more filial, or closer... like mummy3streams said, we do it if it's a choice we make for ourselves, and no regrets even if the 'results' are not what we hoped. -
tamarind:
I have an ex-colleague who spent thousands of dollars on classes for his daughter, he still has lots of complains. He does not teach his daughter at all.
I totally agree with this. We need to find the most appropriate method of teaching the child and they can learn very fast. Each child is really uniquedaddy2007:
[quote=\"tamarind\"]
Instead of sending to enrichment classes, parents should spend more time finding out what are the best methods to teach your kids. I believe that all kids love to learn by nature, but it is just that the teaching methods in the classes do not suit them.
So it is not a matter of how much money parents spend on their kids. We still have to spend time and effort to make sure that they are learning well.[/quote]I also have a friend who will sends her dd to classes for every subject, AND also teach them at home. So, basically the dd receives 3 times of coaching - school, tuition and mum. -
Emelyn:
:udaman: :udawoman:
I also have a friend who will sends her dd to classes for every subject, AND also teach them at home. So, basically the dd receives 3 times of coaching - school, tuition and mum. -
Hi 24hr-mum,
(warning! long post!)
I hear your pain and frustration. Just know that you are not alone! (as the number of replies to your thread show...) :hugs:
I hope you feel better after reading everyone's stories.
I don't know if I have any useful advice for you. I just thought you might like to hear some of the wisdom an older and wiser friend has shared with me. Sometimes, all we need to help us get out of a downward spiral is to re-frame our situation and the behaviours around us.
You wrote about wanting to be a SAHM because you wanted to give them more attention etc. But my friend, who was a University professor overseas with a great career who had given that up to focus on her family, has always maintained that it should not always be about the kids or the hubby or the \"family\". It should also be about what YOU want. And for her, she wanted more time to enjoy her family. In fact, she is always telling me, when I get frustrated with my 2 boys, to ENJOY them!
And it really helps to think in those terms! Like tamarind says, you need to live your own life as well. As much as we want to shower our kids with our attention and groom them well etc., we cannot do that if we are depleted and burnt-out. Just as we get impatient and frustrated easily in the office when we are stressed and approaching burn-out, the same can happen in our \"home office\", when we are SAHMs. Of course, taking care of our kids and family is part of what we do, but don't let that be how you measure your life by.
My friend is very active outside of home. She brings her kids along as well. It's OK if they don't get into the top schools. Ultimately, they are so close and such beautifully behaved kids because mom and daughters enjoy each others' company.
I try to incorporate some of that in my life. I am a PTWM (soon going back to be SAHM when baby #3 arrives). I volunteer. I bake. I maintain my friendships with my friends. For me, I know now that I have given up my career not because of some theory that kids will do better if I spend more time with them, but because I really want to be with them, and I want to have time to enjoy them!
I don't spend hours making my kids do homework. If there are activity books to be done, we do it in short spurts for \"fun\", just another way to have fun apart from playing with trains or cars. My kids learn from living, and not from formal teaching. So, I have never formally taught them the alphabet or numbers. But I point out the letters and numbers to them while reading books, or just when we go out and see road signs etc, and before I know it, they have somehow learnt to recognise letters, numbers and learnt how to spell some words (of course, the first words they learn to read are not CAT or BALL, but STOP and SLOW...). It takes lots of time. If I did it through a formal programme, they would probably learn faster. But we have time, what's the rush? They don't need to know algebra when they reach P1. And it takes the stress out of teaching them. They have many years of formal education and during that time they will be spending less and less time with us. Their childhood years are so short. Enjoy it!
Of course, my kids are different from yours so the methods we use to engage them will be different, but my point is to reframe - what is it you want out of your relationship with your children? What is it you want out of life?
What's the point in grooming really clever kids with great careers, if your relationship is damaged and you never get to enjoy them? I hope my kids continue to be close to me when we grow old.
At this point, I don't think I'm ever disappointed with my kids, even if they are throwing the most nasty tantrums (as DS1 just did this morning). Disappointment implies that they have fallen short of some standards that you expect them never to fall below. I don't really have that mind-set when it comes to them. (If at all, I get disappointed with myself! But that's another story). Of course I expect them to behave in a certain way etc., and I teach them the way. But I won't be disappointed if they fail to live up to what is expected of them. Why? Because I know they are kids, and they will test the limits. But it doesn't mean I will excuse such unacceptable behaviour. It's my job as the parent to enforce those limits, and I enforce them consistently and immediately, so that by the time they grow up, they will know what is right from wrong. (Oh, one suggestion, it probably isn't the best idea to issue threats that you are not prepared to, or cannot possibly, carry out...say what you mean and mean what you say...)
I'm not saying that I'm perfect. Most days you will hear some yelling from me at the kids. And on really bad days I just want to hide myself in the closet and cry. But I've moved on from my early SAHM days, when how my son performed was my only KPI...Now, I always tell myself to remember to ENJOY the kids! I love the sounds of my boys playing and laughing. It's the best thing in the world for me (especially if I am the one playing and laughing with them).
Final word of encouragement (and I don't mean to offend the FTWMs out there), know that your involvement in your child's life does make a difference to them. Maybe not in the way you expect it to. My mum gave up her job to look after us. Although she used to scream at me (same old story!) to do assessment book after assessment book, I am so much closer to her than to my Dad who was hardly home. I don't know if her screaming helped me do well in school, but her constant presence did draw me closer to her...(of course she didn't just yell at me to do work, she talked to me a lot too). I love being around her! Not so much with my Dad...[/quote]
Thank you so much for sharing. It really makes me re-think my actions. :thankyou: -
Hi 24hr-mum,
(warning! long post!)
I hear your pain and frustration. Just know that you are not alone! (as the number of replies to your thread show...) :hugs:
I hope you feel better after reading everyone's stories.
I don't know if I have any useful advice for you. I just thought you might like to hear some of the wisdom an older and wiser friend has shared with me. Sometimes, all we need to help us get out of a downward spiral is to re-frame our situation and the behaviours around us.
You wrote about wanting to be a SAHM because you wanted to give them more attention etc. But my friend, who was a University professor overseas with a great career who had given that up to focus on her family, has always maintained that it should not always be about the kids or the hubby or the \"family\". It should also be about what YOU want. And for her, she wanted more time to enjoy her family. In fact, she is always telling me, when I get frustrated with my 2 boys, to ENJOY them!
And it really helps to think in those terms! Like tamarind says, you need to live your own life as well. As much as we want to shower our kids with our attention and groom them well etc., we cannot do that if we are depleted and burnt-out. Just as we get impatient and frustrated easily in the office when we are stressed and approaching burn-out, the same can happen in our \"home office\", when we are SAHMs. Of course, taking care of our kids and family is part of what we do, but don't let that be how you measure your life by.
My friend is very active outside of home. She brings her kids along as well. It's OK if they don't get into the top schools. Ultimately, they are so close and such beautifully behaved kids because mom and daughters enjoy each others' company.
I try to incorporate some of that in my life. I am a PTWM (soon going back to be SAHM when baby #3 arrives). I volunteer. I bake. I maintain my friendships with my friends. For me, I know now that I have given up my career not because of some theory that kids will do better if I spend more time with them, but because I really want to be with them, and I want to have time to enjoy them!
I don't spend hours making my kids do homework. If there are activity books to be done, we do it in short spurts for \"fun\", just another way to have fun apart from playing with trains or cars. My kids learn from living, and not from formal teaching. So, I have never formally taught them the alphabet or numbers. But I point out the letters and numbers to them while reading books, or just when we go out and see road signs etc, and before I know it, they have somehow learnt to recognise letters, numbers and learnt how to spell some words (of course, the first words they learn to read are not CAT or BALL, but STOP and SLOW...). It takes lots of time. If I did it through a formal programme, they would probably learn faster. But we have time, what's the rush? They don't need to know algebra when they reach P1. And it takes the stress out of teaching them. They have many years of formal education and during that time they will be spending less and less time with us. Their childhood years are so short. Enjoy it!
Of course, my kids are different from yours so the methods we use to engage them will be different, but my point is to reframe - what is it you want out of your relationship with your children? What is it you want out of life?
What's the point in grooming really clever kids with great careers, if your relationship is damaged and you never get to enjoy them? I hope my kids continue to be close to me when we grow old.
At this point, I don't think I'm ever disappointed with my kids, even if they are throwing the most nasty tantrums (as DS1 just did this morning). Disappointment implies that they have fallen short of some standards that you expect them never to fall below. I don't really have that mind-set when it comes to them. (If at all, I get disappointed with myself! But that's another story). Of course I expect them to behave in a certain way etc., and I teach them the way. But I won't be disappointed if they fail to live up to what is expected of them. Why? Because I know they are kids, and they will test the limits. But it doesn't mean I will excuse such unacceptable behaviour. It's my job as the parent to enforce those limits, and I enforce them consistently and immediately, so that by the time they grow up, they will know what is right from wrong. (Oh, one suggestion, it probably isn't the best idea to issue threats that you are not prepared to, or cannot possibly, carry out...say what you mean and mean what you say...)
I'm not saying that I'm perfect. Most days you will hear some yelling from me at the kids. And on really bad days I just want to hide myself in the closet and cry. But I've moved on from my early SAHM days, when how my son performed was my only KPI...Now, I always tell myself to remember to ENJOY the kids! I love the sounds of my boys playing and laughing. It's the best thing in the world for me (especially if I am the one playing and laughing with them).
Final word of encouragement (and I don't mean to offend the FTWMs out there), know that your involvement in your child's life does make a difference to them. Maybe not in the way you expect it to. My mum gave up her job to look after us. Although she used to scream at me (same old story!) to do assessment book after assessment book, I am so much closer to her than to my Dad who was hardly home. I don't know if her screaming helped me do well in school, but her constant presence did draw me closer to her...(of course she didn't just yell at me to do work, she talked to me a lot too). I love being around her! Not so much with my Dad...[/quote]
Thank you so much for sharing. It really makes me re-think my actions. :thankyou:
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