Do you cane your daughters when they misbehave?

[Chenonceau]

I use the cane... sparingly... and always within a tightly defined framework.


The specific undesired behavior is first linked to one stroke of cane (clearly specified to be administered to bare butt in the privacy of the bedroom with another person as witness).

Before caning is administered, I will explain to The Husband and present the evidence. If The Husband agrees, caning is done.

I know it seems like such a formal process but
(1) it keeps me accountable and helps me to manage my own bad temper so that I don't hurt my child more than necessary
(2) tying a specific behavior to a specific cane stroke allows my child to understand that it is the behavior I don't like, and not him.

Also, the undesirable behavior would have had to be so often repeated despite repeated verbal reminders, in order for me to decide to handle it using the caning procedure. However, when I do cane... I cane as HARD as I can. I spare no strength. This ensures that the mere mention of tying bahavior to cane stroke in future would be effective in discouraging any undersired behavior.

Thus far, Little Boy is 10 and has only been caned 3 times ( 5 strokes in total). Most times, he cleans up his act when I go as far as tying an undesired behavior to a cane stroke in the same breath.

I've never put my kid outside the gate though... put into Naughty Corner, yes... but never outside the gate. The feeling of abandonment must be terrifying for a toddler.

We moved house when Little Boy was three... and he told me whilst sitting on my lap that he was happy because the Naughty Corner had to be left behind. The Husband wagged his finger at his son and said \"No... I am going to cut out the Naughty Corner and bring it with us.\" I thought that was hilarious.

I have however colluded with The Daughter to teach my son not to hit his sister. I wouldn't recommend it as a strategy (because quite risky) but you can read about it here... http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2010/07/lets-throw-her-away.html

[jnj0910]

chenonceau, tks for sharing your method/story

[24hr-mum]

there was a time caning my boy when he was 3-4 yo was almost a daily thing. for many many things. bcos he will really push the limit despite reasoning, warning, almost like drug addict, he will sure repeat the misbehavr. and he was beyond reasoning at that stage.


eg if u say cant go to certain place or buy something, must wait till tomorrow, he will say today is tomorrow.

or if a show ends n u had forgotten to preempt him, he will cry nonstop and ask to rewind the show or scenario. eg if the show finish n u off the tv (very normal thing to do right?), n u didnt realise he had wanted to off it himslf, he will on the tv again so that he can be the one to off it.

same thing for closing the door. if u clse it before him, he will rewind n want to close it again. if the weather is cold, u want him wear long sleeve he will refuse n kept taking it off etc many trivial but daily stubborn things.

now he is 5yo, is much better cos can understand reasoning but still, he has his daily nonsense;
eg wake up dont want brush teeth, will cover his mouth if u want to brush for him
complain the food. if u serve bread whc he normally likes, he will ask for beehoon. if u buy beehoon for him, he will ask for bread. he will say this not nice, that not nice and spit saliva to show that is not nice. u see? how not to cane?

so me n my maid we hv all started this daily routine of preempting and forewarning him not to complain, not to do this or that, not to ask to buy toy, not to cry if show finish etc before we start the event. got to be on the toe

when i bring him for enrichment class, he can be happy, n ok on the way until he reach the classrm door n for sure he will start to whine, dont want to go in, want me to go in, throw his shoes, bags, dont want to close the door etc. - unless i rem to forewarn him not to do such nonsense before i send him in. becos of the preemptg, less caning now.


but i still dun understand why alrdy 5 and a half yo, still like that. like bb, nvr grow up. how to go p1. when i do cane, marks can be seen. i hv to put cream over the marks. i asked him. u want to get 100 marks is it?

that was once he insist to get sthing n so stubborn i decided, ok u go and get it. so i sent him out of the gate and really closed the door. he cried n cried n i open the door only 5min later while still chkg thru the eyehole.
this thing i seldom do tho. but ever done.

[Chenonceau]

Hi 24-hr Mom


You poor thing!! Little Boy between 2 to 3 was much the same. He drove me up the wall. Once, I was so frustrated (and I couldn't bring myself to cane him) that I sat on the sofa and cried. I sobbed like a baby. He waddled over and patted my knee. Then he went and did what I had asked him to do. After that, I would pretend to cry every time I wanted something from him. There was a game where I even pretended to be his baby sister... talk in a baby voice and make him do stuff I wanted. It is very inelegant for me but it worked because it appealed to Little Boy's sense of machismo. He was like putty everytime I put on the baby sister persona.

I did everything I could to avoid a head-on confrontation with him. Because an older woman had once told me that a child's strong will is like a muscle. If you keep sparring with his will in head-on confrontations, it only gets stronger.

Instead, I lied and cheated my way through his Terrible Three, Horribe Four and Feisty Five. One of my favourite excuses was, The Meow Took It. See post here http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2010/07/meow-took-it.html . I moved through the house and removed objects of contention. I distracted him. I lied through my teeth. Then, when he got to 5 and started to listen to reason, it became easier.

Another thing that I did when he was a toddler and I still do today is to send him to his room when he is crying or whining for something. It is clearly explained to both my kids that even if what they ask for I am prepared to give, I will PURPOSELY NOT give it because they cried or whined. I NEVER give in to emotional blackmail. NEVER.

If you give in even once, you are enacting something that behavioral psychologists call RIVR (random intermittent variable reinforcement). Of the five different behavioral reinforcement schedules known to psychologists, RIVR is the one that encourages to the most tenacious behavior. Gambling and golf addictions are rooted in RIVR. Basically, if you give him what he wants even ONCE, he will learn to hope that crying will get him his way again. And since, sometimes you do give in and other times you don't (random & intermittent rewards) he can't tell when you will and when you won't. This will keep him crying in the HOPE that this is one of the times that you will.

The trick therefore is to take crying and whining as a cue to DENY rewards EVERY TIME. The parent must be very consistent here, because to give in even once means RIVR and then you're done for. I showed Little Boy that I had ways to escape from his crying. He can go to his room and cry until he has had enough. I made clear that even though his crying bothered me, I didn't have to be around to hear it. See post here... http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2010/07/drive-me-back-to-schooooool.html

I hope this helps you.

[24hr-mum]

wow, thanks for the great info！

nowadays i tried to use forewarning, preempt, distraction, sometimes joking or humor or talk nonsense to him cos that is wat he likes.
eg he likes to pretend to be buzz lightyear, so i will press a ‘button’ on his body and ask him do this or that.

but he just likes to take risk. eg this am he touched my neighbor’s flower n looked at me - going to pluck that flower that kind of look.
testing me.

i just waiting for him to turn 6. sigh…

[peh-boo]

why girls cannot be caned in public but guys can? so unfair!

only girls are human with dignity so cannot be exposed to shame n humiliation?
guys are inhuman so dun care about their 自尊心 or pride lor?

[Chenonceau]

24hr-mum:

eg he likes to pretend to be buzz lightyear, so i will press a 'button' on his body and ask him do this or that.


but he just likes to take risk. eg this am he touched my neighbor's flower n looked at me - going to pluck that flower that kind of look.
testing me...

\"Buzz Lightyear\" - You clever mommy!!

\"Testing me\" - You poor thing mommy!! Yours is a handful alright!

[24hr-mum]

oh he literally will behave like buzz lightyear. with the same gestures and kneeling posture and pressing an imaginery button on his wrist

[tamarind]

jedamum:

noobparent:

Yeah, I hit her open palm with the cane.


But I have found an even better punishment. I throw her out of the house and close the gate.

She's 4+.

my ex-neighbour used to do that to their toddler.
doesn't it implied that the parents love the kid lesser because of misbehaviour? i thought parents should create a secure environment for their children.

My neighbour's 4 year old boy was also thrown out of the house once. I heard him screaming frantically to be let in. I felt quite disturbed by this, I can sense the desperation and fear in his voice. He may grow up to become very a very insecure person.

Some parents may think that kids do not remember what happened to them when they were very young. But I do remember a lot things when I was young. So whatever I do to my kids, I will think about how they will feel when they remember it as an adult. Whenever my hubby scolds my boy too harshly, I will tell him, when the boy grows up, you may never see him again.

This is what happened to my uncle who used to cane his son. His only son is now working in Australia and never return to see him.

[SBKS]

ksi:

Before I had a child, I thought there was no need to use a cane, civil talk would be enough.


After I had a child, I realised I was overly idealistic because talk would never be enough for a child.

There seems to be some innate traits in kids that they hear but cannot remember or remember but cannot hear.

Also Mr Cane or Mrs Cane you call it has to be used at some point in their lives.

The good news is it won't be used forever if you use it right. If you do not know how to use it right, then better don't use lest you abuse.

What is \"use it right\"?

Do's and Don'ts of Caning
1. Use it to correct behaviours not for lack of performance
2. Use it to discipline not out of self-anger due to a bad day at work
3. Use it sparingly not regularly as in anything, conditioning kicks in
4. Use only a few firm strokes to serve the warning, not several strokes to leave ugly scars or marks
5. Use it in the absence of any other adults against it or you will be wrongly prohibited and undermined.
6. Use it in complementary with words of wisdom and not solely as a physical punishment and stop there
7. Use it to ensure your message is put across effectively, not when it is not effective
8. Use it firmly to drive your message across and not soften down to marshmellow after a while. If that is the case, don't bother to engage Mr or Mrs Cane, counterproductive and cause unnecessary hurt.

Hope my 8 tips help.

:goodpost: LOVE the 8 tips..