In-law problems?

[24hr-mum]

my bedrm isnt large. just that i die die try not to leave my rm, my only sanctuary. DH alwaz travels n i had to face her alone.


there was a pt i no longer care to make even small talk, even at dinner time.

[phankao]

MummyThreeStreams:

I know we are fortunate to have the freedom to live on our own, and not everyone has that option..

Yeah - wish your this sentence was larger than the rest of your essay. eg. for us, it is either MIL stays with us or we put her in old folks' home.

We too started off only wanting to stay by ourselves, and we enjoyed a good 7 years of that. Too short I'd say, compared to the 12 years IL has stayed with us.

I'm still dreaming of the day that I can call my house our very own again, sans maid and sans ILs/parents. But i think it's quite foolish to even dream.

[24hr-mum]

i had only 2 yrs of freedom after marriage before mil moved in with bil.

tho mil left now, i m not sure what happens if she falls sick one day

[phankao]

24hr-mum:

i had only 2 yrs of freedom after marriage before mil moved in with bil.

tho mil left now, i m not sure what happens if she falls sick one day

Yours at least have option of leaving.

[qizai]

24hr-mum:

u r talkg abt not hvg to face mil everyday.

for me few years ago, i had to face my mil 24/7 for 6 yrs............it was super depressing...............no one will understand unless they had stayed wif one like that

That must have been very depressing indeed... :gloomy:

As the old saying goes, what can't break you would make you stronger.

[qizai]

phankao:

24hr-mum:

i told my hubby, even if u give me 100 million, i wld nvr stay wif his mum given any choice. i wld rather stay in a 1rm flat.

The only alternative is MIL or my mum go stay in old folks' home lor. But hubs won't ever agree. But yes, it would be nice to have a much larger place. Not everyone can afford. We don't have a study room. Our kids study in whatever available space they can find, be it on the dining table, their own room, beds, window ledge, balcony, etc. Our room is not that big either, unlike yours. I strangely have a disapproportionately large bathroom. But .... i no longer talk to my MIL - give up liao! Waste energy! :roll:

phankao, the silver lining is you have a \"free maid\", and your hubby and you can go pak-tor whenever you like, without worrying about leaving the kids alone at home...

[phankao]

qizai:

phankao:

[quote=\"24hr-mum\"]i told my hubby, even if u give me 100 million, i wld nvr stay wif his mum given any choice. i wld rather stay in a 1rm flat.

The only alternative is MIL or my mum go stay in old folks' home lor. But hubs won't ever agree. But yes, it would be nice to have a much larger place. Not everyone can afford. We don't have a study room. Our kids study in whatever available space they can find, be it on the dining table, their own room, beds, window ledge, balcony, etc. Our room is not that big either, unlike yours. I strangely have a disapproportionately large bathroom. But .... i no longer talk to my MIL - give up liao! Waste energy! :roll:

phankao, the silver lining is you have a \"free maid\", and your hubby and you can go pakor whenever you like, without worrying about leaving the kids alone at home... :D[/quote]You nv read that my MIL is v old, ah? She's 90+yrs old. What \"maid\"?! Even 12years ago already I've not dared leave my kids alone with her. She can't even hear my baby cry! Only when she walk right in front of baby, then she say \"eh, baby crying you know?!\" (well, actually we all know lah). Even when I went out for work appointments, i brought all 3 of them along with me back then when they were just 7 years and below.

[qizai]

MummyThreeStreams:

I don't live with my in-laws nor parents. DH and I were very clear that after we got married we would 'separate' from our folks and set up our own home, even if it meant renting. We wanted to establish our own separate identity as a couple and family unit, and not just be someone's child. I also saw how my SIL (DH's brother's wife) was unhappy staying with my in-laws.


I know we are fortunate to have the freedom to live on our own, and not everyone has that option. But this living apart has meant that we have a cordial relationship with the in-laws, even if we may not agree to everything they do. My BIL and SIL have since moved out and the situation has also improved. I think living together, especially straight after marriage, is very stressful and i have seen a number of my friends' 'suffering', and the relationship with their in-laws and even spouses suffer.

I have two friends in particular who are living in big houses with their in-laws. They save on rent, and housework etc., so their husbands don't want to move out. But it's so unfair to my friends. They are like prisoners at home. And the thing is, their in-laws are not that terrible people!

And look at my situation. I don't live with the old folk, but I see them quite frequently because they come to my place to help me with my kids. They are not very unreasonable people, and I don't have serious problems with them, but even then I do get stressed and annoyed from time to time. But I can always wave goodbye to them at the end of the day and that's that. Imagine if I had to face them 24/7!

I think no matter how nice the old folks are, it will be hard becaues there will always be a power struggle, or turf issues, or different expectations/habits. It's hard enough having to adjust to living with your new spouse, imagine having to adjust to your MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL etc.. So, I always advise my friends to establish their own home first.

It's not being unfilial. It's about preserving the family ties in the long run. We will be happy to live together next time, if they need us to e.g. illness, very old age etc. etc. but only AFTER we have firmly estalished our home and family. It will not be a breeze, but we would be able to approach it from a much stronger position.

Just my two cents worth, especially since my friends are having these problems now. I don't know how to help them since their husbands are not convinced.

:goodpost: You summed up my philosophy too.

[qizai]

24hr-mum:

to elaborate, my mil was super distrustful of my maid even tho she was transferred from my godfather's son's - tried n tested to be reliable. even tho my maid has worked for me for 3+ yrs already, my mil is still the same.


she wld rather go out and buy lunch for me than let my maid cook for me if she (my mil) has no time to cook for me.

The reason why she was super distrustful of maid is because maid can do all that she can... The more capable the maid is, the more she would distrust her..

[qizai]

phankao:

qizai:

[quote=\"phankao\"]
The only alternative is MIL or my mum go stay in old folks' home lor. But hubs won't ever agree. But yes, it would be nice to have a much larger place. Not everyone can afford. We don't have a study room. Our kids study in whatever available space they can find, be it on the dining table, their own room, beds, window ledge, balcony, etc. Our room is not that big either, unlike yours. I strangely have a disapproportionately large bathroom. But .... i no longer talk to my MIL - give up liao! Waste energy! :roll:

phankao, the silver lining is you have a \"free maid\", and your hubby and you can go pakor whenever you like, without worrying about leaving the kids alone at home...

You nv read that my MIL is v old, ah? She's 90+yrs old. What \"maid\"?! Even 12years ago already I've not dared leave my kids alone with her. She can't even hear my baby cry! Only when she walk right in front of baby, then she say \"eh, baby crying you know?!\" (well, actually we all know lah). Even when I went out for work appointments, i brought all 3 of them along with me back then when they were just 7 years and below.[/quote]Oops... my mistake :imsorry: