Asian Mums are more SUPERIOR?

[kohhweelin.010441gmail.010441com]

Thanks so much, Chenonceau and 2ppaamm for your invaluable sharing.


After reading your posts, I felt I have to reflect on my role as an Asian Mother. Inevitably, our society has made us behave somewhat like Amy Chua, or rather had made me. I am a SAHM, ex-teacher and have 3 girls. My eldest will be 9 this year, followed by my 5yo and the youngest turning 3 in Oct.

All along, I had viewed achieving excellence as the topmost priority in all domains of my girls' activities, especially so for my dd1. I started her rigorous routine before she started her formal education in Primary school. She learnt the piano and swimming. She had come in tops for two consecutive years in her school and outdone almost all her peers. She would be taking her grade 5 piano theory and practical exams this term. It was tough at the beginning because of our power struggles, but recently, I had seen a change in attitude. I realised after she had tasted the fruits of success and diligence, she developed an intrinsic motivation to work harder. She no longer needed my help in her work, she would do everything cheerfully and willingly, occasionally with my guidance. She devised her own way of learning and had become more auto-pilot. I am thankful for this change because I never want her to feel that she should give up easily. I believe in her and will not accept a \"I can't do it.\" as an excuse simply because I know it's a mismatch to her personality.

While on the other hand, I see a different learning style from my dd2. I know I shouldn't compare her with dd1, who since young, had exhibited a more focused attribute, a superb memory and also a fast acquisition of knowledge. I realised my dd2 is easily distracted, has shorter attention span and somewhat unretentive of information given. However, after reading your posts, I knew what I used to do with my dd1 is not going to work for dd2. I have to learn to understand her all over again. I hope I am not too late. I realised she is a giving, endearing, candid child who is willing to learn, but shadowed by her elder sis's achievements. She tries to live in her elder sister's shoes which proved too big for her fill. I realised that if I continue to impose my expectations on her, it'll probably ruin her and push her further away. I agree with 2ppaamm that parenting is a learning process, and I have to learn to adapt accordingly. Since she is still young, I am going to try out Chenonceau's approach and hope it'll work out for dd2. Also, I have to remember there is more to my girls' well-being than just academic excellence or excelling aesthetically. Thanks for the prompt reminder. I need to learn from more experienced mummies like you, really appreciate that.

[Chenonceau]

E3:

dd1, who since young, had exhibited a more focused attribute, a superb memory and also a fast acquisition of knowledge. I realised my dd2 is easily distracted, has shorter attention span and somewhat unretentive of information given.

Unless you have DD2 tested, it won't be clear that DD1 is smarter etc... Intelligence manifests in different forms. The Daughter always seemed smarter than Little Boy. She is extroverted you see. She speaks as she thinks and from there, it was clear that she had a good mind.

Little Boy needs to process things for about a week before a piece of gold drops from his mouth. For example, a neighbour asked Little Boy how old he was when he was 4. His jaw dropped to the floor and the lift came and went before he found his tongue. When I asked him why he took so long to answer. He said he needed to think.

\"Think?\" I screeched silently inside. \"Think what? You KNOW how old you are. Just say lah...!!\"

I seriously thought he was far less clever than The Daughter who could chat and charm the socks off Santa Claus and had a clever repartee for everyone. The Daughter babbled recognizable words at 9 months. Little Boy was 2 before he opened his mouth and articulated a COMPLETE SENTENCE, no less.

Yet, the Little Boy who dropped his jaw at a simple question was the same one who at 3.5 years explained to his best Aunty friend that he had found a way to make his Mommy do what he wanted... \"I ask, and my Mommy say 'No'. I ask and I ask and I ask and my mommy say \"Yes\". What was amazing was that he had not only figured it out, he could articulate it clearly and with insight.

On another occasion, I was trying to soothe Little Boy's hurt feelings by telling him that he was a special boy for some specific reason. He came back to me after 5 to 10 minutes of reflection saying \"Mommy, I am not the special one. You are. You do things differently from other mommies and that is what makes ME different and special\". He was 4. Go figure how his little brain had gone and done all the mental acrobatics in order to push the logic that far eh?

I realised that Little Boy just needed time to think through events and data from every possible angle before he concludes... and that he was often very insightful in his conclusions. He takes longer to respond, and seems unresponsive. He won't commit, so he seems to not be able to retain info.

But in truth, he retains everything and analyzes everything and often pushes the logic farther than what any other one of us in the family does. This helps him do well in Science.

For a long time, I worried that he was dumb. I never told him though... And slowly, his own brand of intelligence came through clearly and it was different than his sister's. Very different.

In fact, his sister feels intimidated when he joins in our current affairs discussions. His sister thinks it is embarassing to lose a point of argument to Little Boy's implacable and coherent logic. I had to ban him from our discussions for a bit till his sister had developed a bit more confidence. They are 7 years apart.

DD2 could be MORE intelligent than DD1, just differently so... It may be premature to conclude that DD2 is inferior to DD1 on the points you mentioned? It is even more important to steel yourself to have faith and to believe in DD2 simply because you probably naturally don't as yet.

It was a struggle for me to keep believing in Little Boy.

[kohhweelin.010441gmail.010441com]

insider:

I am constantly aware of the differences in their learning styles, temperaments, etc, and I know their strengths and weaknesses. It's only if those teachers could be kinder not to let my son feel so inferior and small and shamed, esp in front of the whole class of other children... (I didn't visit the school to protest for such nasty comparison. I told my son that though academically he is nowhere close to his sister who has photographic memory, he does have several qualities that his ultra stable sister does not have and he should always feel good about himself and discount those words that were meant to put him down though they were meant to be with good intentions. ).

Children are wonderful...

Thanks insider. I am aware of people's reactions towards my two girls. It doesn't help when dd1 outshines her. That's why I have a soft spot for my dd2. I will remind others of dd2's sweet nature. I guess being the middle-child, she has learnt to be more sensitive, and constantly aware of her surroundings in order not to make the same mistakes made by her sisters. She is also more independent, as she would prepare the stuff her Kindy teacher told her to bring to school for show-and-tell herself. After she had found the stuff, then she'll inform me. Dd1 depended on me to prepare for her when she was in Kindy. Now, at times, she still does that. She'll say I am busy, can you help me look for...First-borns do have their privileges.

Chenonceau:

It may be premature to conclude that DD2 is inferior to DD1 on the points you mentioned? It is even more important to steel yourself to have faith and to believe in DD2 simply because you probably naturally don't as yet.

It was a struggle for me to keep believing in Little Boy.

You are right. Everytime dd2 doesn't seem to know the stuff dd1 already figured out at her age, I will feel a little exasperated. If I don't get fast responses from her, I will start thinking negatively on what could have gone wrong with my approach or is there a disability in dd2? Is she dyslexic? Is she hyperactive? She doesn't seem as \"settled\" as dd1. At times, like your Little Boy, she'll make similar comments like, \"I am thinking.\" or \"Let me think.\" However, I noticed that although she started speaking slower, she is the most expressive now. She outtalks dd1 in both languages. Dd1 was only fluent in mandarin at her age because she was under the care of grandparents. She picked up English only at about 4 plus after I stopped work. Perhaps, I got anxious seeing that dd2 seemed less focused, so I started working with her earlier as compared to dd1. Although she's making babysteps progress, but I guess I'll have to also watch my pace so that I don't cause her to lose interest. Most importantly, she has to enjoy the learning process. Thanks again for your sharing.

[bets81]

As I read the article posed by the TS, I cant stop but ask myself, "Are we becoming more like western parents?"…


Some parents are following advise from western experts and some western nanny programs… Some of us are not bringing up our chlid like how we are brought up anymore

[rosemummy]

As I think through this article, I begin to also look at the difference between my American friends, both Asian and the white.


The Asians, particularly those who migrated to the US in their childhood, or 1st generation to be born there, tends to be more driven and do better in school. Many of the Asians, be they Chinese, Korean or Vietnamese, went to top unis (though not necessarily the Ivies due to the cost). They do well at work and are good employees. The whites are generally more laid back, more outspoken and confident. They also enjoy sports.

Despite being academically superior, we rarely see any Asians who are successful entrepreneurs or hold C-level positions at big MNCs. We see many Asians doing very well in piano and violin at a young age, but not many are world renown musicians as adults. I can’t think of any really successful entrepreneurs apart from Yahoo’s Jerry Yang and YouTube’s Steve Chen, both of whom were from Taiwan and went to US as a boy. For top positions in big MNCs, I can only think of Nelson Chai (former CFO of Merrill Lynch), a US born Korean. For politicians, I can only think of Elaine Chao (Labour Secretary in George Bush’s cabinet). On the other hand, we see most leadership positions held by the whites (though increasingly, we’re seeing more Indians). The most successful entrepreneurs are also predominantly white.

I suppose how we bring up a child does make a difference to what they become in adulthood. The method a parent uses really depends on the child’s temperament and inclinations and how much the parents can let go. There’s nothing wrong in either outcomes. But Amy Chua’s method is unlikely to bring up an entrepreneur (though a child brought up under such circumstances may develop a rebellious streak and turn entrepreneurial). But then again, there’s nothing wrong in being a mid-level employee with a comfortable pay check. We don’t need to raise an entrepreneur or CEO.

But I think there may be some value in looking at how the Taiwanese and Koreans raise their kids. They’re amongst the most entreprenerial amongst the Asians (not just in US, but also in their home country) and are also filial and respectful towards their parents. 1 of my daughter’s friend, a Korean boy, told me, to them, their father in like God. Such is the profound respect a Korean child has for his parent.

At the end of the day, more than getting the grades or qualification, I feel that the best thing a parent can do for their children is to help them discover their interests, strengths and weaknesses so they can end up pursuing what they enjoy and can excel in. It’ll be really sad if they got pushed into doing something they have no interest in when they could have excel in something else.

[toddles]

Just for laughs, see this girl's satirical take on Tiger Mummy's article.


http://shanghaishiok.com/2011/01/14/why-chinese-girlfriends-are-superior/

I'm not a practioner of any of the habits she describes, but I sure know girlfriends who are!

[sleepy]

toddles:

Just for laughs, see this girl's satirical take on Tiger Mummy's article.


http://shanghaishiok.com/2011/01/14/why-chinese-girlfriends-are-superior/

:rotflmao:

[snowman.022851697]

Just my 2 cents… I believe that if you are forced into doing sth that you aren’t interested, it is not possible to give your best. Although mrs chua may think she knows the best for her child, let her daughters have a say too, then they can come to an agreement. Forcing a child to do what u want them to do because u think it’s the best might give excellent results at the beginning, but if the child isn’t interested in it, how do you continue all the way past adulthood and beyond?

[3Boys]

snowman.697:

Just my 2 cents... I believe that if you are forced into doing sth that you aren't interested, it is not possible to give your best. Although mrs chua may think she knows the best for her child, let her daughters have a say too, then they can come to an agreement. Forcing a child to do what u want them to do because u think it's the best might give excellent results at the beginning, but if the child isn't interested in it, how do you continue all the way past adulthood and beyond?

But if you never tried, and gave up at the first hint of adversity, how do you excel at anything? If its worth doing, for sure it will be tough.

[3Boys]

I think the incidence of people who have been molded and pushed to be high achievers by their parents, and feeling empty and resentful because of it, is grossly overstated. Of course, achievement is not the sole oute to happiness, so one should not overdo it, but that should not be an excuse to take a lax attitude.


I have friends across the spectrum, but generally they are amongst professionals and managers, some whom are really high achievers. I have yet to hear one of them say they are happy to give up their positions or curse their parents for pushing them to where they are. On the other hand, I do have a friend, who is not doing well career wise, who regrets the lack of focus and discipline in his younger school days. And my own father, who despite living in deep poverty, made it as far as ‘A’ levels back then, but no further, as my grandparents had no further aspirations for him beyond that point and did not push him to take on a degree course. He has regretted and been resentful of this for over 40 years. He could have done better, if my grandparents had pushed him…

So I say, be the parent, don’t be fearful of offending your kids or making them suffer the effort and exertion of excelling. No great achievement was ever accomplished by just doing what one feels like doing. If I did what I felt like doing back in ‘A’ levels, it would have been a disaster, and no way could I have been more happy or fulfilled than I am today. Even in young adulthood, my parents never stopped pushing me to work hard, take some risks and excel. In some areas I did, and in some I did not, but I have nothing but respect and gratitude to them for caring and taking the time. And I can only do my best by doing the same for my children.