How to teach children to handle bullies

[autumnbronze]

Tutormummy:

I do agree that \"verbal\" bullies are more difficult to detect, and I've learnt a new way how to handle the situaton from my DD.


She had a \"verbal\" bully in her class when she was in P1, constanly putting other kids down through verbal abuse. One day, the bully forgot to bring his pencil case and approached my DD to lend him a pencil. Guess what my DD told him. She said that she will only lend him the pencil provided that he promised to be her friend. The bully agreed and he stopped the verbal abuse on my DD from there onwards. Because my DD told him that since he promised to be her friend, they must be good to each other.

This method may not apply to everybody, but self esteem is definitely the passport in reducing the bully cases. And yes, I'm afraid that the kids will be exposed to more bullying cases when they are in P1. We just have to teach them how to stand up for themselves.

Ohhhh, this is really good :salute: :salute:

[Chimmy]

Hi Parents,


My boy has been the target of verbal abuse since he started sec 1 in his dream school. He is sick of the daily taunting and now dreads school. Many books advise ignoring the bully but from experience, this is really not good advice. Anyone has any advice on this or experience to share. I wish for my son to learn to fight his own battle but these bullies are really malicious and persistent. Please advise.

[janet88]

Yes, we have to teach our kids how to handle bullies.


My daughter in P1 told me her friend scratched her. Told her to inform her FT…taught her to learn to stand up for herself as I can’t be in school with her…so she has to learn. Asked her few days ago whether she informed the teacher about it and she told me the FT punished the girl.

Son came home yesterday miserable…refused to tell me what happened. Pressed him for answer and he told me. He was worried I’ll punish him. Told him the same thing as what I told daughter. Hope he will summon up courage to inform his FT about the truth…he was wrongly punished yesterday as the 2 bigger boys twisted the story. Poor thing…why do our kids have to suffer this in school ?

[laughingcat]

janet_lee88:

Yes, we have to teach our kids how to handle bullies.


My daughter in P1 told me her friend scratched her. Told her to inform her FT...taught her to learn to stand up for herself as I can't be in school with her...so she has to learn. Asked her few days ago whether she informed the teacher about it and she told me the FT punished the girl.

Son came home yesterday miserable...refused to tell me what happened. Pressed him for answer and he told me. He was worried I'll punish him. Told him the same thing as what I told daughter. Hope he will summon up courage to inform his FT about the truth...he was wrongly punished yesterday as the 2 bigger boys twisted the story. Poor thing...why do our kids have to suffer this in school ?

Given in your shoes, I will marched up to the school and confront the teachers and also the bullies. But then I don't know whether is this right way.

When I was back in my secondary years, I was being bullied many times and each time I informed my parents will definitely turn to deaf ears. So that is why when my kids do complain about being bullied, I will tend to be badly affected and hence will \"overly react\". But at least that will give both children and myself assurance. But then again......I don't know whether is this the right way.

[bebebub]

Chimmy:

Hi Parents,


My boy has been the target of verbal abuse since he started sec 1 in his dream school. He is sick of the daily taunting and now dreads school. Many books advise ignoring the bully but from experience, this is really not good advice. Anyone has any advice on this or experience to share. I wish for my son to learn to fight his own battle but these bullies are really malicious and persistent. Please advise.

In most cases, these bullies operate as a group. Since your boy has just started Sec 1, I presume he may not have found his own clique of friends yet. This is afterall, only the 3rd week of the new term. Encourage your boy to make friends, and hopefully, the bullies will stop bothering him when he move around in a group. And hopefully his new friends will also provide him with the necessary emotional support. Good luck.

[Chimmy]

bebebub:

Chimmy:

Hi Parents,


My boy has been the target of verbal abuse since he started sec 1 in his dream school. He is sick of the daily taunting and now dreads school. Many books advise ignoring the bully but from experience, this is really not good advice. Anyone has any advice on this or experience to share. I wish for my son to learn to fight his own battle but these bullies are really malicious and persistent. Please advise.

In most cases, these bullies operate as a group. Since your boy has just started Sec 1, I presume he may not have found his own clique of friends yet. This is afterall, only the 3rd week of the new term. Encourage your boy to make friends, and hopefully, the bullies will stop bothering him when he move around in a group. And hopefully his new friends will also provide him with the necessary emotional support. Good luck.

Thank you for the advice and encouragement.
Yes they are operating in a group and the worst thing is they are his classmates! Not that he has offended them in any way, most of the time they make nasty comments about his looks and always putting him down. He has friends but he still has to face this on his own. I could not stand the injustice and have informed the teacher. Hope she does something constructive. Schools are sometimes hopeless and powerless in dealing with these issues. I only hope my son comes out of this stronger. Appreciate your reply!

[tamarind]

Chimmy:

Thank you for the advice and encouragement.
Yes they are operating in a group and the worst thing is they are his classmates! Not that he has offended them in any way, most of the time they make nasty comments about his looks and always putting him down. He has friends but he still has to face this on his own. I could not stand the injustice and have informed the teacher. Hope she does something constructive. Schools are sometimes hopeless and powerless in dealing with these issues. I only hope my son comes out of this stronger. Appreciate your reply!

There is a limit to what the teacher can do. If the situation does not improve, I advise you to request for a change of class, or write in to MOE and request to change a school.

There is a Chinese traditional story 孟母三迁, about a mother who kept moving her boy until she found a good environment for him. I firmly believe that this is what we should do for our children, if we cannot change the environment, we move our kids somewhere else.

[esmummy]

There is a limit to what the teacher can do. If the situation does not improve, I advise you to request for a change of class, or write in to MOE and request to change a school.


There is a Chinese traditional story 孟母三迁, about a mother who kept moving her boy until she found a good environment for him. I firmly believe that this is what we should do for our children, if we cannot change the environment, we move our kids somewhere else.[/quote]


Actually, I beg to differ. We asian mothers tend to be over protective. Of course it hurts me when my little ones encounter ugly situations and ugly people. I used to always step in with my first child… Tell the bullying kid off, change classes in order to get a nicer teacher, etc… But in hindsight, I think that made her over reliant.

The sad truth is that the world is not a nice place and we can’t protect them from everything. We can only teach them how to cope.

I notice from this thread that a lot of bullying encounters are amongst the boys. But like another mummy said, verbal abuse is harder to tackle. And that is the type more often found amongst girls. Anyone read Queen Bees book? It’s about cliques and psychological trauma that girls go thru.

If you think back to your school days, there would always have been the "in" girls who set the standard for being hip and determined who was accepted and who would be the outcast. This has already started in my DD’s K2 class, so sad.

Ignoring taunts is one thing, but it is important to help your child make other friends… Playdates, etc. Also, highlight what he or she is good at and emphasize that it’s ok to be different and nit conform.

[tamarind]

Just to clarify, I advised to change only \"If the situation does not improve, \". I don't mean run at the first sign of trouble.


Note that Chimmy wrote:
I wish for my son to learn to fight his own battle but these bullies are really malicious and persistent.

I think his bullies are boys, not the same as those Queen Bees.

If we have tried everything and the situation does not improve, then the only way out is to change the environment. Why make the child suffer ?

[Funz]

Sometime after the June holidays last year, DD became a bit emotional and was not as enthusiastic about school. There were a couple of days where she came home with her eyes swollen from crying. Found out from her later that a girl in her class has been scolding her and telling everyone not to be her friend. She mentioned this girl many times before, some incident involving herself others of that girl and her other classmates.


Well I told her if that girl is so nasty then stay away from her instead of seeking her out to play with you. And if that girl be being particularly nasty for no reasons, let the teachers know. It seems the girl will do things like scold her friends or throw their stuff across the room and such.

Towards the end of last year and early this year, I keep hearing DD talking about this girl again. But this time, it seems she keeps including this girl in her little ‘plans’ be it bringing snacks to school to share with friends, to exchange stickers, etc. I asked her if the girl’s attitude has changed. She said actually no, she is still as nasty. I asked her then why is she including that girl in all her ‘plans’. She said Mummy, she is in my group, there is no avoiding her as I have to work with her. So I am trying to turn her into my friend. If I am her friend, maybe she will be nicer and not scold me all the time.

Her version of Sun Tze Bing Fa, keep thy friends close and thy enemies closer? Haha. Anyway, I told her that is a good idea but do not let it become a situation where you keep having to buy her favour. DD actually scoffed at me and told me please lah mummy, I am not buying her favour, I am just including her in my ‘plans’ so when she gets nasty, and I exclude her, she will feel the loss.

Damn, is that my scatter brain, emotional DD talking? Sounded a bit sociopathic.