How to tell if a child is gifted?
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Chenonceau:
My son is only P5. The older one has no problem socially.
The moment I get such people to understand that facial expressions are data and information that can be captured, categorized, analyzed and concluded upon, the scales drop from their eyes. They consciously force themselves to see and capture such data. Once they learn to capture the data, their powerful logical reasoning takes over, and they improve in leaps and bounds. The anxiety goes away with increased mastery of this domain. A high IQ person can do wonders when you feed info through his cognitive pathways. And most do this in vivo, without help, because they are adults and no longer can ask their parents to sit down with them with a book to point out sad, angry faces. They consciously look, classify and organize emotional info, and things get better after a while.
It is a glaring omission of the GEP that emotion processing via logical pathways is not taught.
This is interesting: to turn people emotions and choosing the right responses into data and processing this accordingly. Never thought of it this way, and no one taught me this either. It has always been, you go through that experience, make some responses, if right, do it again. If wrong, try something else. And, to learn from others. If you like a response someone gave you in this situation, use it the same way in future.
I'm going to try this. Actually, I have bought all the books I can find (perhaps 10 to 12) on reading expressions. Reading expression is not the problem, to choose the right response is. Also, to know when that person is pushing him against the wall (teachers always do that), and to teach him how and when to back off immediately and not get into the situation that will get him into trouble. For a child like him, right is right and wrong is wrong. He will try to right everything, just wondering how to teach him to accept that even when he is right, teacher can also be right, and allow the teacher to be more right, even though he knows he is more right. Complex for me as well. RESPECT is not good enough. Respect does not mean you are right all the time.
Teachers don't help either. They MUST ALWAYS BE RIGHT... part of the problem. In this house, both daddy and I can be wrong and we readily admit it. We believe to bravely admit our own mistake is a way to earn respect. -
mosster:
It's good to worry but you may be worrying too much.my 3 year old son. I have been so stressed and feeling so alone wondering what is the best thing to do for my son - homeschool? start nursery?
DS1 is bright, funny and sweet, but his social skills are really behind.
My hubby and I have been thinking that perhaps sending him to a nursery would make him more independent and learn more social skills.
Am I overprotective? should I let him go to nursery, knowing he'll be kicking his heels and crying all the way? I want him to be able to learn all he can learn, all he wants to learn, but I do so want him to make friends.
Parents experience separation anxiety too. The usu advice for parents of clingy kids is to make sure you don't exhibit any sign of anxiety, both non-verbal and verbal, when sending your child to school.
Smart kids r very different from average kids. Their anxiety tends to stem from slower socio-emotional development, relative to cognitive development.
I guess if he's not ready, you can try out some parent-accompanied programmes if you prefer an \"easier\" approach. Someone recommended playdates.
My girl is bright (not gifted) and fun-loving. Her social skills are very good. She's almost 22 mth, & not reading yet.
I wanted her to spend her toddlerhood (0-2 yr) in a care-free manner. So I didn't focus on ABCs & stuff.
We do a lot of silly toddler things. We enjoy making faces. I'm a very good dramatic story teller. I also exposed her to different social environments when she turned one eg sunday school/church, playgroup, arranging playdates & outings. One of her playmates is an older boy with mild autism.
She speaks well enough and plays with older children. Otherwise, she'll observe a while and join in when she's comfortable. She connects well with verbal kids and most aunties. She has a unusual sense of humour. She can also handle simple bullying & turn-taking. When she turned 18 mth, I instruct my helper not to intervene in church & cousins' place unless the other child is much larger and physically aggressive. When she is upset, I label her emotions and the causes immediately. She recognises certain para-linguistic cues such as undertone.
My point is many parents do a lot of brain stimulation and teaching for many reasons (age gap, personality, parenting books/pressure, etc). They don't really know how to play silly games which are sometimes necessary for good social-emotional development.
I feel some children lose out on reading faces if they were primed to decode/read in early years.
As I'm in special edn, I see many kids who have adjustment difficulties. I chose to focus on socio-emotional development fr 1-2 yrs. I'll work on other areas after she turns 2 years old. I'm also slightly concerned that she'll be bored in preschool if we start cerebral stuff too early.
I'm of the view that smart kids will remain smart; they need to work on regulating behv and improving social skills from young.
To prevent her from becoming self-absorbed,
a) I try to make sure she spends time with others, so that she is independent and not overly clingy. Having lots of kids is a great idea!
b) I don't fuss unnecessarily over small matters such as fights or falls.
eg one of her playmates (regular, not ASD) pinches at times. I tell her to tell me, helper or auntie. Auntie will scold XX. She goes around telling her cousin that ah ma will scold if she's naughty. haha
c) my life doesn't centre around her (although she's constantly on my mind) eg I have nights out with friends, etc. I try to live a \"balanced\" life.
hope this helps -
2ppaamm, all the best.
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Chenonceau:
Hi, my son is not gifted, not as far as I can tell anyway, but he does not seem to be happy in preschool either. He is like your boy, he doesn't cry but is not happy . Can you share more about why you pulled your son out of nursery/k1 ?Whoa! 2ppaaamm... this is beautiful sharing.
Little Boy was the exact opposite. Cerebral, quiet, retiring and reflective. He was miserable in preschool. He didn't cry but he wasn't happy. I think every child has his timing. If your Mommy instinct tells you that your son is not ready, then maybe he isn't. I put Little Boy into school in nursery, and then I pulled him out. He went into K1 again, and got pulled out. He only managed to stay in preschool in middle K1. He had 1 friend then. In K2, he had 3 friends... very close. Every year, he finds himself 1 or 2 people to hang out with. -
2ppaamm, Chenonceau, phankao, pingsped,
Thank you so much for your sharing. You have all given me much food for thought. So many things to ruminate upon.
2ppaamm,
Thank you esp for sharing so much about your experience. It has really struck me how dependent I have allowed DS1 to be, despite my wanting him to learn independence. I can see why your kids are so independent! They bear the responsibility for the consequence of their own actions. As for my DS1, my mum loves to spoil him, as it is her way of showing her love. With her, he does not want to feed himself/ do things himself. With me, I insist he does things himself, sometimes at least, though sometimes I feel like I have to bully him into doing things before he does it. Sometimes, it is just more convenient to do things for DS1 than to wait for him to dilly-dally. Looks like I have to start identifying things that he should be more hands-on and really train him.
I think I will want DS1 to go to school, then he can learn, as you say from other people, and also how the world is after all. Now is how to prepare him for it.
Chenonceau, Pingsped
After reading your sharing, it has become obvious to me that DS1 is not at all prepared for school alone. He is not able to read the socio-emotional situations, let alone know how to process/respond. Just recently, I had to stop DS1 from insistently asking his Grandad for a game of Wii while Grandad was in the midst of scolding my nephew at the top of his lungs!!! Not only that, unlike Chenonceau’s son, he will not mention if he is being bullied. I have seen before how at the playground, when he was pushed around by some other kid, he did not mention anything to me, and I do not think he thought it was not normal. His usual reaction is such bullying or to crowds is to avoid them and play by himself far away from anybody else, even friendly kids. In fact, the flip side is that he does not respond even when another kid is being friendly, so I’m not sure if he knows how to make friends.
Well, I’ve got to start somewhere, so I will look out for the books that teach emotional comprehension. I hope the books cover how to approach DS1 because he changes the topic every time I’ve tried to talk or explain to him about the social aspects of the day’s activity, e.g. I cite his talking politely to his aunt, and he mentions that the stones in the flowerpot were green!?! I’m not sure whether it’s the terrible threes but he’s in such a state of denial always. When he doesn’t want to eat, “”there is no food on the table”, when obviously his lunch is waiting for him.
And yes, time for me let go more. Since I stopped work 1 year ago to look after the boys myself, it’s been too easy to make them the centre of my life esp with DS2 superglued to me, then my trying to make up to DS1 for the little time I have for him now. Cannot let the boys be my KPIs in life.
Phankao,
If you could pm me the school you send your son to, I’d appreciate it. I would like to visit the school to get a quick look at how the Montessori multi-age programme is like. Thanks! -
I’ll like to also add, that I’m very touched that you all took the time to think and respond so sincerely.
God bless you all and Happy Lunar New Year! -
mosster:
Hi
Phankao,
If you could pm me the school you send your son to, I’d appreciate it. I would like to visit the school to get a quick look at how the Montessori multi-age programme is like. Thanks!
Perhaps you want to visit this thread of discussion instead? On Montessori?
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=906&highlight=montessori -
mosster:
I'll like to also add, that I'm very touched that you all took the time to think and respond so sincerely.
God bless you all and Happy Lunar New Year!
You're welcome... and Happy New Year!
Recognising ABC does not enable you to read. The basics of what are whose emotional expressions are not difficult to teach and learn. You'll be done in no time. But the child will still be unprepared. You need to teach your child to read situations.
After books, you can do practicums. Ask the child to read your face, and in real situations like Grandad's explosion, point out Grandad's face... and then go back to book and link to the expression and then talk about the implications of such an experience for your child. Link always to how it affects the child or his attention will wander off.
Going straight into an analysis of politeness is way above what your child can understand right now (I think?).
Little Boy went to preschool in USA first. I noticed the same behavior on the playground as your son. It was one of the things that got me thinking about emotional training. Since I don't specialise in child psychology, I made it up as I went along all the time observing my son. I figured that he didn't have the vocabulary to tell me what he felt. So, one of the first things I did was to help him describe his own feelings.
For example, he played with 2 girls at a gathering. They were sharing a toy but refused to share with him. They told him \"We don't wanna play with you.\" He came to me at first saying nothing, but from the way he leaned his head into my lap, I knew something was wrong. So I stopped talking to my friend and pulled him on my lap and had a good look at his face. Then,
Me: Are you sad?
Little Boy: *Nod nod*
Me: What happened?
Little Boy: Blah blah blah ... all the bits about not sharing and being rejected as a playmate came out.
Me: Oh so they were mean to you?
Little Boy: *Sad nod... and a bit going to cry*
Me: It's ok. I love you. And Mommy's love is the best anyway. Let's go down with this pack of bread and feed the fishes.
I took him to the pond and we started feeding fishes. The girls joined in shortly. In kindergarten politics like in any politics, the one with resources has power... and the one who freely shares such coveted resources with friends becomes popular. The pack of bread was his resource. I got him to share with the 2 girls (he didn't mind because he isn't vindictive or passive aggressive) and very soon they were chatting like birds to Little Boy (who normally says little).
Since then, he possessed a convenient phrase to express his situation \"They were mean to me, and I was sad\" And that was very empowering. Now he knows to come to me and say \"She/he was mean to me and I was sad.\" It is important NEVER to judge or to lecture when your boy approaches you with a broken heart. It may have resulted from his own emotional stupidity but never ever tell him so.
Little Boy still does not know how much I worried in those days. There is no need to burden your child with your fears. Just fix his problem discreetly as much as you can.
Don't intervene directly either. When he grows up, you won't be there to protect him. He needs to learn to manage. Give him suggestions/resources/words/ skills to deal with it. This will give him confidence. And every day after school, ask about school... invariably, emotion scenarios will come out. Talk them through. The following structure is a guide:
- What happened (in detail)?
- How did YOU feel (one component of emotional intelligence is to be aware of one's own emotions, and be able to describe them)?
- How did the other person feel (another component of EQ is understanding another's emotions)
- What could you have done to make yourself feel better?
- What could you have done to make the other feel better?
The last 2 questions are about emotion management. I've been doing this with Little Boy every school day since K1. Only now, in P5 is he becoming somewhat popular. It takes years. So you have to be diligent, consistent and patient. Every day you ask, and every day you mend the little broken heart and every day that little heart will get stronger and cope better. Children like Little Boy need to build up an archive of scenarios. The more scenarios you talk through, the better they are prepared for Life. Scenario matching is how I process emotions too. I was only teaching Little Boy what I learnt to do too late in Life. Nowadays, I still find myself staring at someone mouth slightly open, wondering what to do or what to say or what expression to wear on my face because I am puzzled by the emotional cues... but as one gets older, that gets rarer.
You may need to engage in some small political maneuvering of your own. To help your son, you need a VERY strong emotional bond between the 2 of you. I put my mother-in-law quite in her place when she started to come between me and my son. You cannot help your son learn emotions if the mother-child bond is not strong. I made clear to my mother-in-law that even little hints of me being a Hitler was unacceptable and whenever she did that, I would sit my kids down and explain. And she did that a lot. I explained to my husband that he could stay out of it. I didn't expect him to deal with his mom. I would deal with her myself. He should just stay away or he could divorce me and marry his mom. I am prepared to do a lot for my in-laws but by now they know that I am very determined when it comes to my kids. I WILL deal with you firmly as many times as required if you come between me and my kids.
I know my son so well and we are so close that I could guess that he had a crush on a girl without being told. So I articulated that for him to his great surprise and we talked about it too. Since he has not a clear grasp of his own emotions, I must be close enough to him to grasp it first so that I can explain it back to him.
I notice that Little Boy copes with unpleasant feelings by ignoring them. When he was stressed over exams, he spent the better part of the day forcing himself to be happy. However, when he found that he couldn't regulate his feelings that way, he came to me. He came to me because he and I have had a long history of me bringing emotional calm and healing back to his heart. He knows who to go to. If I wasn't close to him and hadn't been patching him up all these years, he would have become very anxious too because he wouldn't know how to explain what he was feeling.
Children like Little Boy need to be taught step by step how to recognise and manage emotions of self and others. And just like you take years to achieve real competence in language and math, this type of education also takes years. However, it CAN be done. It IS possible to bring a child with inherently low EQ to high enough levels of competence in emotion and social management. Little Boy will never have the magic his sister brings to social situations, but he will be able to function as a well-balanced adult. -
kylene:
Ummmmm... dunno got anymore to share or not leh... He was not happy. He was chatty and cheerful at home, but quiet and withdrawn in school. I needed some company because I had just quit to stay home for about 1 year plus. I liked his company and he preferred mine. So we spent whole days together lazing around, digging holes in the garden, destroying ants' nests, baking cakes, fishing, walking, long hot baths refilled twice, chatting, playing with his huge collection of soldier toys... he would shoot me and I would collapse on him. Soon enough, he learnt to shoot and run away and then I, the corpse, lumbered after him to try and collapse ON him again... and so there was a lot of laughing and squealing.
Hi, my son is not gifted, not as far as I can tell anyway, but he does not seem to be happy in preschool either. He is like your boy, he doesn't cry but is not happy . Can you share more about why you pulled your son out of nursery/k1 ?
In spring, the ducks had ducklings. They followed after their mother in a long line. Little Boy and I followed them. We collected bags and bags of bread and fed them to ducks and swans etc... I bought him a fishing rod and found a pond FULL of small hungry fishes. He had fun 'cos all he needed to do was dip in the hook and out would come a small fish. I made him put them all back in after though because too small to cook.
See... you can really have lotsa fun with a toddler. And every bit of fun is a little more bonding and a little more learning. Why so early go to school if he doesn't like it. Him being unhappy was good enough reason. I made sure he learnt to read before P1 though...
I think I reckoned that I could stimulate him more than any school could... but mostly, I liked his company, and I had nothing else to do at that time. He didn't get along with playmates his age so I was his playmate. It was a wonderful time. I had fun and he had fun. He spent 15 minutes a day on Dr Seuss and Winnie the Pooh math and english computer games.
But I dunno if that was the best thing to do... I didn't know better and didn't think too much. I just did what felt right to me. -
Hi Chenonceau,
thank you for your reply. do you mind joining me in this thread I started ?
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=18671
thanks
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