What a great blog you have! You are a really great mum, super fun too. Thanks! Glad to be able to read more of your other interesting thoughts too!


It’s so amazing how rare parent-accompanied classes for 3-4 year olds are in Singapore. Most insist that the child should be old enough to attend without their parents. I’m been sending DS1 to a once a week, 1hr one which I managed to find.

Er… I hope I don’t sound too stupid when I ask, by preschool scenarios, are you referring to what to expect in school with teacher and other kids, e.g. learning time behaviour, expected playground behaviour? if other kids push him in the playground behaviour? I can be kiasu (finally fitting into this website) and do all the possible scenarios I can think of…

Chenonceau,

I cannot thank you enough for your invaluable advice! Really sorry this reply comes so delayed, but it comes with my heartfelt thanks! So many nuggets of wisdom to keep in mind. Your son is very blessed to have you as his mum! What you say makes so so much sense.
[quote] Don't intervene directly either. When he grows up, you won't be there to protect him. He needs to learn to manage. Give him suggestions/resources/words/ skills to deal with it. This will give him confidence. And every day after school, ask about school... invariably, emotion scenarios will come out. Talk them through. The following structure is a guide:

- What happened (in detail)?
- How did YOU feel (one component of emotional intelligence is to be aware of one's own emotions, and be able to describe them)?
- How did the other person feel (another component of EQ is understanding another's emotions)
- What could you have done to make yourself feel better?
- What could you have done to make the other feel better? [/quote]This is a great structure that I applied straight away today this evening. I had lost my temper (sigh) at DS1 for dilly dallying over his dinner and he burst into tears at the end of it. So, I went through the scenario with him during bedtime and asked him what he thought I felt, and how he felt. He could tell me \"mummy was angry\", and he felt \"sad... angry\". I didn't ask him what he could have done to make things better, but told him what I thought he could have done instead that would have made things better. In the end, we made a pact (hope he understands!) what both he and I could both do to avoid the evening's scenario.
[quote]I notice that Little Boy copes with unpleasant feelings by ignoring them. When he was stressed over exams, he spent the better part of the day forcing himself to be happy. However, when he found that he couldn't regulate his feelings that way, he came to me. He came to me because he and I have had a long history of me bringing emotional calm and healing back to his heart. [/quote]I can imagine my DS1 being just like that. He likes to be happy and for everybody to be happy but he has a tendency to be denial over things that he doesn't like. I hope I can learn to bring emotional calm and healing to DS1's heart too, and not, with my own temper, cause him more distress! Truly, to give something, one must already have it to give it. I can sense the years of \"emotional training\" you have, even in the way you think/speak, e.g. regulating emotions, and it hits me that I have to train myself in order to train him.
[quote]However, it CAN be done. It IS possible to bring a child with inherently low EQ to high enough levels of competence in emotion and social management.... he will be able to function as a well-balanced adult.[/quote]

I really hope so. Thank you for your encouragement! I hope I have it in me to be able to do for DS1 what he needs. I have absolutely no formal training in emotional/social management.. at times like these, I wonder if I should have taken up a different discipline in school!

By the way, how did you know when your son was ready to start school? My hubby just gave me an ultimatum that no matter what, DS1 HAS to start school by 4 yrs old.

phankao,
Thank you! I'll take a look there!

I’ll like to also add, that I’m very touched that you all took the time to think and respond so sincerely. God bless you all and Happy Lunar New Year!

2ppaamm, Chenonceau, phankao, pingsped,

Thank you so much for your sharing. You have all given me much food for thought. So many things to ruminate upon.

2ppaamm,
Thank you esp for sharing so much about your experience. It has really struck me how dependent I have allowed DS1 to be, despite my wanting him to learn independence. I can see why your kids are so independent! They bear the responsibility for the consequence of their own actions. As for my DS1, my mum loves to spoil him, as it is her way of showing her love. With her, he does not want to feed himself/ do things himself. With me, I insist he does things himself, sometimes at least, though sometimes I feel like I have to bully him into doing things before he does it. Sometimes, it is just more convenient to do things for DS1 than to wait for him to dilly-dally. Looks like I have to start identifying things that he should be more hands-on and really train him.

I think I will want DS1 to go to school, then he can learn, as you say from other people, and also how the world is after all. Now is how to prepare him for it.

Chenonceau, Pingsped
After reading your sharing, it has become obvious to me that DS1 is not at all prepared for school alone. He is not able to read the socio-emotional situations, let alone know how to process/respond. Just recently, I had to stop DS1 from insistently asking his Grandad for a game of Wii while Grandad was in the midst of scolding my nephew at the top of his lungs!!! Not only that, unlike Chenonceau’s son, he will not mention if he is being bullied. I have seen before how at the playground, when he was pushed around by some other kid, he did not mention anything to me, and I do not think he thought it was not normal. His usual reaction is such bullying or to crowds is to avoid them and play by himself far away from anybody else, even friendly kids. In fact, the flip side is that he does not respond even when another kid is being friendly, so I’m not sure if he knows how to make friends.

Well, I’ve got to start somewhere, so I will look out for the books that teach emotional comprehension. I hope the books cover how to approach DS1 because he changes the topic every time I’ve tried to talk or explain to him about the social aspects of the day’s activity, e.g. I cite his talking politely to his aunt, and he mentions that the stones in the flowerpot were green!?! I’m not sure whether it’s the terrible threes but he’s in such a state of denial always. When he doesn’t want to eat, “”there is no food on the table”, when obviously his lunch is waiting for him.

And yes, time for me let go more. Since I stopped work 1 year ago to look after the boys myself, it’s been too easy to make them the centre of my life esp with DS2 superglued to me, then my trying to make up to DS1 for the little time I have for him now. Cannot let the boys be my KPIs in life.

Phankao,
If you could pm me the school you send your son to, I’d appreciate it. I would like to visit the school to get a quick look at how the Montessori multi-age programme is like. Thanks!

2ppaamm,

Thanks for responding. I am open to all comments, but particularly I was hoping you could also give your perspective. I’m very inspired by how you find ways to open the options to your children. I am not afraid to take the road less travelled but sometimes, one must meet people like you so that one too can see the other paths that can be taken.

Right now, I am feeling stressed because I’m supposed to start nursery for DS1 the Monday after CNY but I am having such cold feet. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m afraid to let go, or is it my intuition telling me something. It is not going to be easy to send DS1 to school and settling him down there also because DS2 (even now at 1 yr) can only take my breastmilk because of his severe allergies and refuses bottles/cups etc so leaving DS2 with my mum has been very stressful for all of us. Actually because of DS2, I’ve not been away from DS2 or home for more than 3.5 hours since he was born because of his feeding.

Could you advice on the dilemma weighing on my mind now? Fundamentally, is it is better to send DS1 to nursery school or homeschool DS1? maybe till K1? or even P1? DS1 has a love for learning that I hope going to school will not squash. I do not want him to learn to be a robot as you call it. Yet if he stays at home with me, will he be less independent? Less socially adept? How to inculcate good social/life skills for DS1? Even if as you say, he is never going to blend in, then how to at least learn to get along with people. How did your DS1 become so socially adept? One thing that I keep trying to get DS1 to be is more loving to his younger brother.

Yes indeed, since I had DS2, I’ve had so much less time with DS1. Not sure whether it’s because he is growing up or because I have really less time for him, he is willing to play independently for longer periods nowadays.


phankao
Thanks for the suggestion. I have not checked out Montessori programmes so far as DS1 is not really a sensorial learner plus the Montessori schools in my area are so “hot” that I didn’t bother with the queues. How do these Montessori workgroups work? I’ll check them out on the net.

pingsped
Count me in if you are organising something too. Thanks!

after reading my own post, I wonder if I am nuts. After all, it is only just nursery after all... right?

After stumbling on this thread after googling on giftedness, I read all your posts in the past 2 hours. Actually I devoured every comment and each of your comments gave me new hope for my 3 year old son. I have been so stressed and feeling so alone wondering what is the best thing to do for my son - homeschool? start nursery?

My DS1 started reading at 18 months and now at 3 years old, can read almost anything. of course, whether he understands it, is another thing altogether. At 2.5 yrs, he learnt to count in Japanese by himself while we were on holiday in Japan, by reading the English pronunciation from a tourist map while my hubby and I were unpacking in the hotel room. Seeing how he loved counting in a different language, we tried to ask our parents/filipina helpers etc to count to him in their dialect/languages. Since then, he’s learnt to count in 9 languages. After learning to count in the first few languages, he realised that after 20, the way the numbers are said/put together are the same. Soon after, he lost interest in counting in the different languages though he really loves counting. Recently, my dad introduced addition and subtraction to him and that’s his latest craze - giving himself maths questions/stories. I can’t remember even counting at 3, so I don’t know where he gets his great memory from. Well, that’s just some of the things he does, just to give you all a sense how he is.

In the beginning, I gave DS1 some flashcards, but most of the time, we read together. During meals, after meals, before bed, anytime. I worked half time so that I could spend more time with him. After seeing how my older colleagues stressed themselves over their kids only when they hit PSLE, I wanted to nurture my son to have a love for learning from the start, to have an open mind. After I gave birth to DS2, I stopped work altogether to spend time with the boys which was a blessing as DS2 turned out to have serious digestive issues.

DS1 is bright, funny and sweet, but his social skills are really behind. We had to train him, even now, to look us in the eye when he speaks. To join in the playground if there are other kids, he’d rather not go. He is an observer - he will not participate until he warms up, and that can take months. He doesn’t mix with other kids, not even his cousins who he sees every week. After attending some parent accompanied playgroup classes, finally after 3 semesters he can happily participate in class, instead of crying all the way and sticking like glue to me. However, since he’s now too old for that class, we are back to DS1 crying and sticking to me like glue in the new class. Recently, I started him on swimming lessons, and I am encouraged that he is, abeit reluctantly, having his class on his own with the instructor, without me.

My hubby and I have been thinking that perhaps sending him to a nursery would make him more independent and learn more social skills. Problem is all 5 schools we visited were not able/willing to adapt to his +s and -s. Even the school we finally settled on, we are taking a chance that they are truly as warm and adaptable as they claim. We know that, as in the playgroup that DS1 is already attending, he is not going to be learning much from nursery that he already knows in terms of head knowledge. I think if I teach him at home, he would probly learn more. All I’m hoping is in nursery school, he’ll pick up social skills, and hopefully not new bad habits! I feel like I’ve not morally prepared him for school!!

Am I overprotective? should I let him go to nursery, knowing he’ll be kicking his heels and crying all the way? I want him to be able to learn all he can learn, all he wants to learn, but I do so want him to make friends. Gain more grumpton.

I am thinking if preschool is so cookie-cutter, then what options does he have for primary school education?

I"m SO GLAD to have read your posts because they have given me new perspectives to really look at DS1 as an individual, and how do I, in my determination to let him be all he can be, help him be happy with himself when he grows up.

Sorry, I realise this is a really long post! but I really appreciate all your comments. Thank you!!

Thanks for your suggestions! Checking them now as we speak!

haha! I meant Dear Son… does it mean daughter?? oops!!! Thanks for letting me know.

Hiya! A BIG hello! my subject heading says it all My DS is 19 months (time flies!) I stay in Tanjong Katong and am looking for a preschool for DS. Any recommendations? Please let me know! Thanks!