Smart but lazy?
-
Funz:
Errrhemmm, silent lurker here :oops:Well, actually Chenonceau, it is great that you shared your experience in handling your kids. There will be many who may agree or disagree, some more strongly then others but nobody can say whatever methods they used is the absolute correct one.
I love to read what pple like yourself, insider, and a few others have contributed. 1stly because you guys have children who are much older then my kids and would have gone through with them much more then I have. And you guys would also have been able to see if the methods you have used yielded the results that you have wanted. 2ndly, your arguments for and against are done so eloquently and level headedly it sets one thinking and reflecting. 3rd, I learn a lot of new terms that I can throw around.
The dynamics of the relationship between a child and his parents, family and his environment is so complex we cannot presume to know what this parent has done or not done before deciding on embarking on certain actions. Just because a child is caned does not mean he will be 'damaged'. And I like to believe that most parents are sane people with enough self control not to wield a cane irresponsibly, so much so that the option of a cane has to be so absolutely, and resolutely disallowed.
Have been following all these super interesting posts faithfully. There's so much food for thought, so much to be picked up from all the experienced mummies here etc...
My DS is only a toddler
This is great sharing, Funz.
I agree with your sentiments exactly :hi5: -
Chenonceau,
I have to say, I swallowed hard when I read how you disciplined your child for careless errors. My gut feel is that is somewhat harsh, but hey, I’m not here to judge. -
Chenonceau:
Wow, so many posts in a few days.
The discussion veers now towards whether or not a child can overcome his/her own carelessness without intervention? I dunno any research answers that I can share.
I also agree that children need love, emotional support, encouragement. However, why cannot one have high expectations and still provide all these? Are they mutually exclusive?
I preferred to work on self-efficacy... the belief in being able to handle this and that task or overcome this and that challenge. The best way to build self -efficacy is to have one's child experience success at a task.
He also gets a lot of fulfillment from the newfound respect he gained from Teachers and friends.
Higher self-efficacy leads to greater task persistence. Greater task persistence leads to higher life success. Life success positively relates to well-being and fulfillment. All three assertions have research support. Where have I hurt my son? Only on the butt... all other potential outcomes are positive and arises from his new found sense of higher self-efficacy.
That's why it's so hard to parent. It isn't what you use, but how you use it in conjunction with all the other tools that matter.
Some tools are dangerous when not properly used. RIVP (using the cane) is one of them. I almost regret sharing because it truly is something that you wanna stay away from if you don't know how to control it well.
Just to clarify, I don't think u r in anyway abusive. Most trained psychologists deliberate carefully before administrating any negative or aversive consequence. You are a great mum. I just wanted other parents to know that u are very well-trained in using behaviour modification techniques.
I'm both a perfectionist and big slop. I'll probably do something nasty too (but not caning) if my girl is excessively sloppy in schoolwork. My tolerance is abt 10ish%. I hope she'll be disgusted with herself if she doesn't get a perfect score in her fav subj.
To prevent sloppiness from taking root, I'll be sending my toddler to schools which have the right values and offer right stimulation for her ability. Nothing like appropriate peer pressure and friendly competition
Other methods
Some of my students have sensory integration dysfunction. When they daydream (etc) too long, I erm, remove their chairs. Sometimes I do the same for myself. I make sure they understand that standing makes them more alert & I'm also standing with them.
I'm not saying u shld cane yourself
-
pingsped, autumn bronze, rose mummy... :grphug:
-
Hi Mummies,
My husband and i attended a talk on the topic,
‘Giving your child the excellence edge’ by Joshua Ng.
Speaker is very funny. His children have all grown up, so we felt that the talk was better for 6yrs and above parents. But we did take home some very good points he brought up.
1) Character flaw.
Which i think is the topic we are discussing now. He mention how he expected a student of his (secondary level) to excel in all his subjects but did not. He found out that the boy was playing computer games once he reach home till the next day. So it is this flaw that prevents him from maximising his full potential.
If he thinks that his children are smart, then he expects full marks for spelling. Only if they are dyslexic then they will be excused.
2) Raising a quality child
Expect quality in their work they produce. His analogy was mac donalds french fries. We all like good fresh french fries, and not the sloggy ones, so if we were to instill in our children to aim for good quality work, they will have an excellent edge over others. But not to confuse with being a perfectionist…
There were more pointers but these are the two which never cross my mind and made me think about.
Mamalicious Alicia -
HIe pingsped
U're a special needs therapist.
I suspect my son is dyslexic, mild condition. Sorry, I long suspected but another educational therapist confirm it. My son is borderline dyslexic.
And yes, he can be careless, but is very imaginative, and strategic. He's also very musically inclined and could picked up musical notes and learn and play his piano fairly well. Oh yeah, he loves to read Sun Zhi Strategems and use it on his friends, board games etc etc.
But he could be quite careless, is there any way I could help him in this aspect ? Without caning him ? U said that such a behavior could be successfully corrected without the use of cane.
I have to admit though I do cane him the last time on his hands with wooden ruler, with every careless mistakes. I got him to do his work and to check. Then I'll mark and check his checking. I let all the wrong answers go, as my main purpose is to help him be more careful. SO my plan was, I check his checking.
Undone questions, questions without working, and hand writting which requires the teacher to guess, all warrants 1 stroke on his hands. 1 careless mistake, 1 stroke on hand.
That was during the December period. Currently I've seen that he has less mistakes in his worksheets and homework from school.
I hate to cane him.
In any case where such carelessness occur again, are there any other methods I could use ? 
Please help me and my son. 
Thank you very much. God bless you. -
\" The fact is, I did cane and will do so again if I need to. I think I cannot hold him responsible if he does not know. I never get angry at honest ignorance. But he can be held responsible if he has been sloppy. (See link here http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2010/10/exam-stress.html). Carelessness is sloppiness, and sloppiness becomes a habit if left unaddressed. It was a habit. If you don't know, you cannot do harm. If you do know and you are sloppy, you can do great harm. That was how some people's eggs got fertilised with the wrong sperm. The habit of sloppiness/carelessness has implications beyond merely marks. \"
LIKE A LOT ! -
joylly:
Counselling + remediation work well.HIe pingsped
U said that such a behavior could be successfully corrected without the use of cane.
I have to admit though I do cane him the last time on his hands with wooden ruler, with every careless mistakes. I got him to do his work and to check. Then I'll mark and check his checking. I let all the wrong answers go, as my main purpose is to help him be more careful. SO my plan was, I check his checking.
Undone questions, questions without working, and hand writting which requires the teacher to guess, all warrants 1 stroke on his hands. 1 careless mistake, 1 stroke on hand.
That was during the December period. Currently I've seen that he has less mistakes in his worksheets and homework from school.
I hate to cane him. In any case where such carelessness occur again, are there any other methods I could use ? Please help me and my son.
Thank you very much. God bless you.
Hmm, I use different approaches depending on the child's IQ, behv & personality. I work very well with competitive, sore loser, impulsive, erm emotional types. They hate studying cos deep inside, they hate losing. They don't like feeling stupid. Naturally, when I teach them how to overcome their difficulties, they are willing to try harder.
The cooperative & meek kids improve even faster. Cos they listen well.
It's hard for dyslexics to spot their own mistakes. A lot of them feel a huge sense of dread when they see written work. They just rush thro & try to get everything done. When they rush or feel pressured, they make more mistakes cos accuracy of retrieval/recall or processing drops. 51 becomes 15, 'then' becomes 'than', 5+6 becomes 6-5, etc
I do different experiments to help the child see that by staying calm, he can eliminate many of his careless mistakes. My students learn to understand their own processing styles & temperament which helps to self-monitor.
how many marks does your child lose thro \"carelessness\"?
I'll do a statistical analysis of mistakes & work from there.
Self-belief alone is insufficient. There are different types of dyslexia. In theory, dyslexia is a processing disorder involving reading & writing. However, there are lots of children who have language, comprehension difficulties or even ADHD. These need to be addressed by your therapist.
Eg
If your child's writing pressure is making him tire easily, I would work on that. Cos when he's tired, he's more prone to writing errors.
When my student has overcome one difficulty, I cheer his efforts and we discuss our next goal. I build up his self-esteem and confidence step by step. I also tell him my expectations, ie predicted exam scores band.
All kids love to do well and be praised. When someone who believes in them (esp if they like the teacher v much) comes along & teaches them how to fish EFFECTIVELY, they'll do anything for that teacher.
My students with mild intellectual disability can do regular English in upper pri. They just get passes. They believe me when I tell them they can pass. I'm happy as long as they do their best. Even when they miss the 50% by a bit, they see the cup as half-full, not half-empty. They literally score 80-90% of available marks in specific sections to score a pass
Success (even small ones) and having staunch support are empowering tools.
Oops, went a bit off topic.
Maybe you work on improving your relationship - getting your child to confide in you. Spend time talking or playing. Now that there are less mistakes, coach him and continue to reinforce that he is able to spot certain mistakes. Try not to nag. If he is very complacent, I think it's alright to impose certain consequences eg no TV for 1 week, etc. -
rosemummy:
Well said. :hugs:I think there's a big difference between perfection and not being careless. Not being careless simply means not making mistakes on what you're capable of doing. To me, perfection would mean the best way to get something done, such that it can't be done any better.
We don't need perfection for everything. We certainly can't achieve that on this side of eternity. For example, food need not be perfect in taste and every other aspect, but it should not be prepared carelessly and cause food poisoning. A ride need not be perfect in terms of route and comfort, but the driver should not be careless and cause harm to someone as a result. -
chic_savvy:
I second that... :goodpost:
Well said. :hugs:rosemummy:
I think there's a big difference between perfection and not being careless. Not being careless simply means not making mistakes on what you're capable of doing. To me, perfection would mean the best way to get something done, such that it can't be done any better.
We don't need perfection for everything. We certainly can't achieve that on this side of eternity. For example, food need not be perfect in taste and every other aspect, but it should not be prepared carelessly and cause food poisoning. A ride need not be perfect in terms of route and comfort, but the driver should not be careless and cause harm to someone as a result.
Hello! It looks like you're interested in this conversation, but you don't have an account yet.
Getting fed up of having to scroll through the same posts each visit? When you register for an account, you'll always come back to exactly where you were before, and choose to be notified of new replies (either via email, or push notification). You'll also be able to save bookmarks and upvote posts to show your appreciation to other community members.
With your input, this post could be even better 💗
Register Login