How to teach children to handle bullies

[Chenonceau]

smurf:

Very clever, Chenonceau!

:oops: Not really lah... I actually sound a bit evil... It's just that when my son was bullied, it brought out the worst in me...

I find it very hard to forgive people who have hurt my kids in some way. One girl copied The Daughter's essay WHOLESALE in Sec 1, and scored top marks whilst The Daughter scored 1 mark less.

Till today, I still feel irritated when I see the girl. :nunchuk:

[smurf]

Hmm, I totally understand. Coz my boy used to be bullied by other children, verbally.

[jtoh]

Chenonceau:

smurf:

Very clever, Chenonceau!

:oops: Not really lah... I actually sound a bit evil... It's just that when my son was bullied, it brought out the worst in me...

I find it very hard to forgive people who have hurt my kids in some way. One girl copied The Daughter's essay WHOLESALE in Sec 1, and scored top marks whilst The Daughter scored 1 mark less.

Till today, I still feel irritated when I see the girl. :nunchuk:

How did she manage to copy your dd's essay? Wasn't the teacher suspicious when she saw two similar essays?

[Chenonceau]

jtoh:

How did she manage to copy your dd's essay? Wasn't the teacher suspicious when she saw two similar essays?

THAT was what I asked myself. The Daughter showed the Teacher her essay after he flashed her friend's essay up on the visualizer as the model essay. He didn't bat an eyelid, didn't punish anyone, told The Daughter that such things happen and she should not lend her friends her work before having it marked. That was a lesson learnt. The Daughter never emailed her work around again. I seriously wondered if he properly read each essay. Many teachers in brand name schools are lazy. They can get away with it 'cos students and parents can cope even if they're lousy.

But it wasn't a big deal, so I did not complain. Didn't wanna spoil my relationship with the teacher.

[Chimmy]

Chenonceau:

Maybe you try this...


1) Find a resource that the other boys really like. Something with cool factor. Something that others can't or won't get from anywhere else at least in the beginning. Use that resource wisely to garner support and good reputation.

2) Talk to your boy EVERYDAY and debrief what went on in school and how to defuse situations. To do this you need to hold your emotions in check. It will be tempting to get angry. Don't. Approach the events of the day coolly and logically. Strategise how to deflect bullying and garner support. I taught my son to avoid and to refrain from retaliating. However, I made sure I was there to provide emotional support everyday. It was a 3 month long ordeal of everyday problemsolving. Debrief every event and help him to deflect. At the same time, you are also providing emotional strength and support. You msu stay close to your son because you don't want him turning to secret societies for protection. YOU must provide the unflagging support.

3) Teach your boy to lie low and await opportunities to strike back. This can be a long wait because you want an opportunity that allows you one HARD strike that puts them outta action completely. With my son, I waited 3 months. The opportunity came when the bully stole a textbook from my son, rubbed away my son's name written in pencil and wrote his own in pen. However, the depressions on the page made by the pencil were still there as evidence. I went to school and threatened to involve the police, saying it was a crime etc... Actually, I was waiting for the bully to punch my son. Your son must lie low because whatever punch comes his way must be COMPLETELY unprovoked. This makes it easier for the authorities to step in and decide who is in the wrong.

4) In secondary school, teachers and parents both have lessened control over social situations. Teachers' interventions won't help. Your son must learn to cope and you need to be there to help him think up creative ways of coping from one event to another. All the time, keep a lookout for the kind of opportunity that will allow you to strike HARD with the full support of the authorities and the law (if necessary). With my son, I kept telling him \"My love... the worst thing that can happen is that you get beaten up. You won't die. And you give Mommy an excuse to go there and put him in a boys' home\". As a result of my big (but still elegant) commotion about theft+school reputation+delinquent+crime+dun put stop to it the boy will turn into worse criminal, the school examined the bully's family background and placed him in mandatory counselling.

I don't believe in getting angry. But when I do, I make it count. I won't be happy with a mild \"stop bullying my son\". I want concrete measures and punishments that WORK!! Bullies are like that. Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves. So you give rope and give rope and give rope... and when the opportunity comes, you pull tight... and when you intervene it is with full force of the school's discipline and counselling structure.

Actually, as a parent, I make sure I do the necessary groundwork with the teachers. I actively build a relationship with the teachers and Heads. I am always positive about the school so when I actually do go to school to complain.... people take me very seriously. Even when I complain, I speak nicely and gently (in tone) but the content of what I suggest is tough. Harsh truths in gentle language commands respect.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for sharing your experience and advice!

[jtoh]

Chenonceau:

jtoh:

How did she manage to copy your dd's essay? Wasn't the teacher suspicious when she saw two similar essays?

THAT was what I asked myself. The Daughter showed the Teacher her essay after he flashed her friend's essay up on the visualizer as the model essay. He didn't bat an eyelid, didn't punish anyone, told The Daughter that such things happen and she should not lend her friends her work before having it marked. That was a lesson learnt. The Daughter never emailed her work around again. I seriously wondered if he properly read each essay. Many teachers in brand name schools are lazy. They can get away with it 'cos students and parents can cope even if they're lousy.

But it wasn't a big deal, so I did not complain. Didn't wanna spoil my relationship with the teacher.

Wow! I suppose that was the teacher's way of dealing with it - sending out a message to students not to email their work to others. BUT, shouldn't the real message be that plagiarism/copying is wrong and that perpetrators would be severely dealt with? I'm shocked, both at the boldness of the girls who did the copying, and the inaction of the teacher.

[snowman.022851697]

Isn’t that infringement of copyright, which is an offence under international law? And the teacher still takes it so ‘light-hearted’?

[Chenonceau]

jtoh… He was one of those teachers more worried about promotion than kids’ welfare. I didn’t really like him but wanted to maintain a good relationship. He was in charge of a prestigious CCA and he drove the girls very hard… But when it came to actual teaching, he did very little and got away with it because this was a very good class already very talented in English. Not much to teach.


I try not to complain too much. No point getting mad over the small things. As long as my daughter doesn’t copy, the moral fibre of teacher and other girls was not my business. At least, that was what I told myself.

[jtoh]

Chenonceau:

jtoh... He was one of those teachers more worried about promotion than kids' welfare. I didn't really like him but wanted to maintain a good relationship. He was in charge of a prestigious CCA and he drove the girls very hard... But when it came to actual teaching, he did very little and got away with it because this was a very good class already very talented in English. Not much to teach.


I try not to complain too much. No point getting mad over the small things. As long as my daughter doesn't copy, the moral fibre of teacher and other girls was not my business. At least, that was what I told myself.

Thanks Chenonceau.

[Chenonceau]

jtoh:

Thanks Chenonceau.

Hey... you're welcome. Not that I did anything to deserve this though... Haha.