In-law problems?

[LOLMum]

parents should be the ones to decide the education path for the kids when they are young.


however, we also need to take a step back to see if we are piling too much activities on our kids unknowingly. 傍观者清.

so if pil or own parents have any suggestions (nice or awful), well, take it in good faith.

:lol:

[XYZ1]

baglady:

It's good that you're firm and your parents don't interfere! One of my friends has opposite problem. She's more relaxed and thinks its important for her kids to enjoy their childhood. Her mother is super kiasu and always nagging them about work, making them do revisions, go for tuition, etc. My friend is so frustrated. She says her mother is not just stressing out her kids but also her and her hubby!

Anyway I definitely don't want to wait until primary school to deal with these problems! Scared it may be too late! I think its important to set the right tone from earlier stage and explain why we do certain things and stress that they shouldnt spoil him even though he is still so young.

If not, by the time he's in P1, there will be horror stories! So I'm trying to make sure he learns the right values from young and doesnt become spoilt and think he can get his way as long as grandparents are around.

Hmmm...sounds like my mum....my mum also feels that i hv a bo-chap attitude towards my children...she feels that i do not fuss over my kids just like how \"dedicated\" she was to us when we were young....
i always tell mum that in this era...it is OK for kids to make mistakes but mum always feel that i must be there to look out for them...so when we talk abt how kids will be brought up, usu tend to end up with very diff opinion..which may lead to some \"unhappiness\"....
My parents even commented before that my kids are like their kids and they are like my siblings instead so see what a lousy parent i am in the eyes of my very committed parents :lol:

Luckily for me...mil is a lady who does not interefere with our lives...and she lives us quite alone...as long as she gets to spend time with the grand kids, she's already happy...never interefere with schools/enrichment/upbringing/etc..so i must say i'm lucky

[janet88]

LOLMum:

parents should be the ones to decide the education path for the kids when they are young.


however, we also need to take a step back to see if we are piling too much activities on our kids unknowingly. 傍观者清.

so if pil or own parents have any suggestions (nice or awful), well, take it in good faith.
:lol:

Education is tough now. Subjects are no longer 1+1=2. As parents, we should see if kids genuinely need extra classes or just being KS by listening to others and signing kids up for this and that blindly.

[EatNonStop]

Used to have a domestic helper but due to maids constant conflicts with mil (mil stays with me), no choice but to live without maid for the past 1 year. Initially, each and everyone (mil, hubby, myself) will try very best to share chores but as time goes by, mil is tired…hubby is tired…seems like expectations now fall on me! Me too also getting tired everyday…after work got to take care of kids (4 & 7 yrs old), wash clothes, tuition kids, bedtime stories etc etc…mil feels she should take a rest when we are back from work while hubby always busy with reports or office work after dinner…I guess I can still "tahan" this but cant tolerate mil bad comments (being forgetful to fold clothes, being lazy for not putting things back in order) on me infront of kids ! Feel like telling mil off but since she is the elderly, I keep quiet (knowing she will blow her top too)…I told my kids not to listen too much mil comments too…anyone in similar situation, how would u handle appropriately?

[Angelight]

Scenario: Your parent passed away. Your in-laws were informed right away. Wake was over 4 days including the Funeral day. Parents-in-law out of obligation came only on second day of wake, stayed for short while. Brother and sis-laws never turned up at all, not even a call or sms words of condolences. Amidst your grieving, in-laws never show much concern or care.


Try putting yourselves in this person’s shoes, what would you do or say to your in-laws?

[EatNonStop]

Hi Angelight, I was in the similar situation about 5 years ago when my sis passed away…non of my hubby’s "side" turns up for the wake. Reason - my brother-in-law just shifted to new house so not so nice for his family to go to wake…since he didnot go, my mil & sis-in-law also didnot turn up. I was really hurt and upset …the pain and grieve is still with me up to today.


Donot mistaken my relationship with my hubby’s family members turn sour, we are still getting along fine. As long as they donot ask or insist me to visit any of their relatives wake…I will not want to open the "wound" again.

[Angelight]

But did they at least call or sms you words of condolence? Or pretend nothing happened even though they know you are grieving?

EatNonStop:

Hi Angelight, I was in the similar situation about 5 years ago when my sis passed away....non of my hubby's \"side\" turns up for the wake. Reason - my brother-in-law just shifted to new house so not so nice for his family to go to wake..since he didnot go, my mil & sis-in-law also didnot turn up. I was really hurt and upset ...the pain and grieve is still with me up to today.

Donot mistaken my relationship with my hubby's family members turn sour, we are still getting along fine. As long as they donot ask or insist me to visit any of their relatives wake..I will not want to open the \"wound\" again.

[EatNonStop]

ok…I missed out the part…my mil visited my beloved sis once when she was in ICU…that at least comforted me even she didnot attend the wake…when my sis passed away, my hubby’s side didnot utter any words of consolation which I guess they didnot want to bother me since I was already so down…I didnot hold them for this as well…the heart pain was they didnot show their support / comfort to my family as well as to my beloved sis’s family at the wake when I felt the least they can do…

[BeContented]

EatNonStop:

Used to have a domestic helper but due to maids constant conflicts with mil (mil stays with me), no choice but to live without maid for the past 1 year. Initially, each and everyone (mil, hubby, myself) will try very best to share chores but as time goes by, mil is tired..hubby is tired....seems like expectations now fall on me! Me too also getting tired everyday..after work got to take care of kids (4 & 7 yrs old), wash clothes, tuition kids, bedtime stories etc etc...mil feels she should take a rest when we are back from work while hubby always busy with reports or office work after dinner..I guess I can still \"tahan\" this but cant tolerate mil bad comments (being forgetful to fold clothes, being lazy for not putting things back in order) on me infront of kids ! Feel like telling mil off but since she is the elderly, I keep quiet (knowing she will blow her top too).....I told my kids not to listen too much mil comments too...anyone in similar situation, how would u handle appropriately?

Hi,
Is your hubby aware of your frustration? Sometimes, they play a very important part in improving the situation.

Think there's some similarity in our situation. I used to work & would bring maid + 2 kids to mil place daily and back on weekdays. Had 3 maids in 6 years and all had conflicts with mil, but I managed to persuade them to complete contract. On 6th year, 3rd maid big conflict with mil, she would be crying, pleading not to go mil place, wanna go my mom place while MIL nag & complain about her every moment. Got really tired of all these maid/mil issue plus kid going P1....so quit and took care of everything myself. In between, had a lot of arguments with hubby cos' first he's very filial, 2nd he thinks with maid, everything solved....so would brush all my complaints aside and always supports mil.

Anyway, good life for 1+ year after quitting until hubby brought MIL and FIL to stay with us as they were always arguing. Life became bad....... FIL dementia & MIL reluctant to look after him (when she does, it's hell time, persistent yelling). Hubby started to find it tough too. Soon, eldercare rejected my FIL - uncooperative, so option left was to either nursing home or homecare. I REFUSED to have maid at home cos' mil character....no maid will stay and I'll have more trouble. By now, hubby felt the kind of stress i face the moment he's at home....lotsa yelling, mil interfering, makes comments etc. I was starting to get depressed as well. Fortunately, hubby sensed it & started hearing what I have to say, sometimes tell his mom off too. In a way, became more supportive of me. We also managed to get someone to help jaga FIL and do some household chores in the daytime as I ferry my kids and would not be home a lot. With hubby backing, I made my stand clear & told MIL, if this helper cannot continue, I will send FIL to nursing home. Since MIL is thrifty kind, she heartpain the high nursing cost & didn't want to utilise the rental $ for the nursing home fee, so kinda mellow (think also becos' now son on my side

FYI, MIL is a tidy freak.....I used to get all the clothes/bed not folded (she'll come and scrutinize my wardrobe loh), things not in place, window grilles dusty must clean everyday, broom not clean must use feather duster (squat to sweep!!), I know I'll never meet her standard, so just do what is my limit, others just ignore. If it bothers her so much, she can do it. Call me unfilial, disrespect....but I need my life. Think she has gotten used to it now It's my house after all. And of course, hubby cannot openly support her and give her any ammo.....

Hope I'm not giving bad advice, but talk to hubby....better work out something before it gets too stressful to be handled.

[EatNonStop]

[quote]But did they at least call or sms you words of condolence? Or pretend nothing happened even though they know you are grieving?

[/quote]Yes, at least words of condolence will comfort alot. But most importantly hubby is always by your side..