In-law problems?
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Scenario: Your parent passed away. Your in-laws were informed right away. Wake was over 4 days including the Funeral day. Parents-in-law out of obligation came only on second day of wake, stayed for short while. Brother and sis-laws never turned up at all, not even a call or sms words of condolences. Amidst your grieving, in-laws never show much concern or care.
Try putting yourselves in this person’s shoes, what would you do or say to your in-laws? -
Hi Angelight, I was in the similar situation about 5 years ago when my sis passed away…non of my hubby’s "side" turns up for the wake. Reason - my brother-in-law just shifted to new house so not so nice for his family to go to wake…since he didnot go, my mil & sis-in-law also didnot turn up. I was really hurt and upset …the pain and grieve is still with me up to today.
Donot mistaken my relationship with my hubby’s family members turn sour, we are still getting along fine. As long as they donot ask or insist me to visit any of their relatives wake…I will not want to open the "wound" again. -
But did they at least call or sms you words of condolence? Or pretend nothing happened even though they know you are grieving?
EatNonStop:
Hi Angelight, I was in the similar situation about 5 years ago when my sis passed away....non of my hubby's \"side\" turns up for the wake. Reason - my brother-in-law just shifted to new house so not so nice for his family to go to wake..since he didnot go, my mil & sis-in-law also didnot turn up. I was really hurt and upset ...the pain and grieve is still with me up to today.
Donot mistaken my relationship with my hubby's family members turn sour, we are still getting along fine. As long as they donot ask or insist me to visit any of their relatives wake..I will not want to open the \"wound\" again. -
ok…I missed out the part…my mil visited my beloved sis once when she was in ICU…that at least comforted me even she didnot attend the wake…when my sis passed away, my hubby’s side didnot utter any words of consolation which I guess they didnot want to bother me since I was already so down…I didnot hold them for this as well…the heart pain was they didnot show their support / comfort to my family as well as to my beloved sis’s family at the wake when I felt the least they can do…
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EatNonStop:
Used to have a domestic helper but due to maids constant conflicts with mil (mil stays with me), no choice but to live without maid for the past 1 year. Initially, each and everyone (mil, hubby, myself) will try very best to share chores but as time goes by, mil is tired..hubby is tired....seems like expectations now fall on me! Me too also getting tired everyday..after work got to take care of kids (4 & 7 yrs old), wash clothes, tuition kids, bedtime stories etc etc...mil feels she should take a rest when we are back from work while hubby always busy with reports or office work after dinner..I guess I can still \"tahan\" this but cant tolerate mil bad comments (being forgetful to fold clothes, being lazy for not putting things back in order) on me infront of kids ! Feel like telling mil off but since she is the elderly, I keep quiet (knowing she will blow her top too).....I told my kids not to listen too much mil comments too...anyone in similar situation, how would u handle appropriately?
Hi,
Is your hubby aware of your frustration? Sometimes, they play a very important part in improving the situation.
Think there's some similarity in our situation. I used to work & would bring maid + 2 kids to mil place daily and back on weekdays. Had 3 maids in 6 years and all had conflicts with mil, but I managed to persuade them to complete contract. On 6th year, 3rd maid big conflict with mil, she would be crying, pleading not to go mil place, wanna go my mom place while MIL nag & complain about her every moment. Got really tired of all these maid/mil issue plus kid going P1....so quit and took care of everything myself. In between, had a lot of arguments with hubby cos' first he's very filial, 2nd he thinks with maid, everything solved....so would brush all my complaints aside and always supports mil.
Anyway, good life for 1+ year after quitting until hubby brought MIL and FIL to stay with us as they were always arguing. Life became bad....... FIL dementia & MIL reluctant to look after him (when she does, it's hell time, persistent yelling). Hubby started to find it tough too. Soon, eldercare rejected my FIL - uncooperative, so option left was to either nursing home or homecare. I REFUSED to have maid at home cos' mil character....no maid will stay and I'll have more trouble. By now, hubby felt the kind of stress i face the moment he's at home....lotsa yelling, mil interfering, makes comments etc. I was starting to get depressed as well. Fortunately, hubby sensed it & started hearing what I have to say, sometimes tell his mom off too. In a way, became more supportive of me. We also managed to get someone to help jaga FIL and do some household chores in the daytime as I ferry my kids and would not be home a lot. With hubby backing, I made my stand clear & told MIL, if this helper cannot continue, I will send FIL to nursing home. Since MIL is thrifty kind, she heartpain the high nursing cost & didn't want to utilise the rental $ for the nursing home fee, so kinda mellow (think also becos' now son on my side
FYI, MIL is a tidy freak.....I used to get all the clothes/bed not folded (she'll come and scrutinize my wardrobe loh), things not in place, window grilles dusty must clean everyday, broom not clean must use feather duster (squat to sweep!!), I know I'll never meet her standard, so just do what is my limit, others just ignore. If it bothers her so much, she can do it. Call me unfilial, disrespect....but I need my life. Think she has gotten used to it now
It's my house after all. And of course, hubby cannot openly support her and give her any ammo.....
Hope I'm not giving bad advice, but talk to hubby....better work out something before it gets too stressful to be handled. -
[quote]But did they at least call or sms you words of condolence? Or pretend nothing happened even though they know you are grieving?
[/quote]Yes, at least words of condolence will comfort alot. But most importantly hubby is always by your side.. -
[quote]FYI, MIL is a tidy freak.....I used to get all the clothes/bed not folded (she'll come and scrutinize my wardrobe loh), things not in place, window grilles dusty must clean everyday, broom not clean must use feather duster (squat to sweep!!), I know I'll never meet her standard, so just do what is my limit, others just ignore. If it bothers her so much, she can do it. Call me unfilial, disrespect....but I need my life. Think she has gotten used to it now It's my house after all. And of course, hubby cannot openly support her and give her any ammo.....
Hope I'm not giving bad advice, but talk to hubby....better work out something before it gets too stressful to be handled.[/quote]Hi cwc, looks like you have one more issue than me..FIL...
I have a MIL similar character with your mil....your description sounds exactly like my mil...haha
And yes...I dun really bother how she sees me or expects on me and if she cannot \"tahan\", she can do the chores herself as I already tried my best..Just dun like she gives bad comments of me infront of my kids..I didnot want my kids to picture me as what she descripE yet I donot want to bad mouth my mil infront of my kids...any comments or recommendations?
My hubby knows his mum well so at times he will come to my resuce
But do hope beside mental help, he can provide more phsical help like taking care of at least one kid while I attend to the other one on her homework..sometimes can go crazy when 2 kids screaming at the same time..worst when 3rd party (mil) add in the noises.. :stupid: -
Ha ha, somehow I can relate to your 'no. 3' added in to the noise level
My '#3' has special talent, she always make '#4' - FIL fedup and he starts yelling back......then at times, I have 2 of them struggling (a little pull and push). So you see, my house becomes a war-zone whenever MIL is around. Actually she is not evil/bad/wicked, just has low EQ, high pitch voice, neat freak, kancheong, and everything also must comment regardless she knows about it or just hear a word 'out' then start yakking things like are you going out, where etc....ACE. Simply, she just has a rare talent to irritate everyone the moment she opens the mouth.
Ok, I'll be frank....I used to pretty polite to elderly....somehow, I gave up when it comes to my PIL. While I still try, I must admit there are also many times I raise my face or show my disdain openly. I dun see the need or point of being the submissive nice DIL. Guess now I have the mentality that, \"look I am the only one who allows the both of you to stay...none of your other DILs willing and yet you want to pick on me? by all means then :)\" So like you, I dun care much of what they think of me cos' it's always the caregiver who seems to be the one being 嫌. If really not happy, go try and see if your other IL will agree to stay under the same roof. Guess this is how I keep my sanity.
Also, I do comment about my MIL in front of my children. However, I try to make it as a discussion point - ask my kids' opinion on what's right, what's wrong. (my kids are older, so can do it this way). And will frequently tell them to just accommodate her as she is old and cannot think properly liao
On your hubby, tell him 'I need your help'. Work or not, dunno. Just open mouth and try.......dun wait silently for miracles. I was told, man likes to provide solution...so give him a problem to solve -
[quote]my house becomes a war-zone whenever MIL is around. Actually she is not evil/bad/wicked, neat freak, kancheong, and everything also must comment regardless she knows about it or just hear a word 'out' then start yakking [/quote] I concur this
[quote]While I still try, I must admit there are also many times I raise my face or show my disdain openly[/quote] same here...afterall we are human, we do have our \"limits\" too....my face will turn black and I believe my mil can sense it. But will try my best not to do it too often, afterall she is still my mil and I have to respect that. Just dun test my limits...
[quote]Also, I do comment about my MIL in front of my children. However, I try to make it as a discussion point - ask my kids' opinion on what's right, what's wrong. (my kids are older, so can do it this way). And will frequently tell them to just accommodate her as she is old and cannot think properly liao [/quote] Guess my kids are too young to understand......whenever I reason out and explain to them, they will give me a Blur look.....and ask me why i don't listen to Ah Ma?? :x .....at times I asked them what did Ah Ma say, they hardly can explain too.....I wont reason with them who is right, who is done....I will only explain what can be done correctly.. -
[quote]On your hubby, tell him 'I need your help'. Work or not, dunno. Just open mouth and try.......dun wait silently for miracles. I was told, man likes to provide solution...so give him a problem to solve [/quote] He does help occasionally......knowing he also has alot of stress in his work and tons of reports after office hr, try not to bother him too much lah..Afterall, its more \"dealing\" and \"managing\" MIL...if she can reduce her noises and comments.....I will be thankful. BUT leapard never change spots....mil is mil...dun think she will change and as one gets older..the person will get more nagging, more insecure and needs more attention..like the phrase says \"you born to be a baby, when u grow old, you behave like a baby\". Guess I need to have very good tolerance or other tips to learn \"people management\".
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