Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[Windy]

Thanks you buds and the rest of them.

[buds]

How long has this been going on?


Most women think they will not think twice
abt divorcing their husbands when they
find out about their husbands' infidelity.

Its easier said than done when we
have to go through it ourselves.

But even when there are no kids involved,
women naturally put up a tough front though,
we may be emotionally strained from all the
sadness..... all the agony of husband being with
someone else. What more a promiscuous one...
Marriage wud have started from friendship, and
grew into love..... Being together for years may
not mean anything to a guy, but for a woman, we
are emotionally attached and that baggage usually
hampers a woman from moving on...

A no-nonsense woman will never tolerate adultery
at any cost and has heart of stone when it comes
to divorces.

A rational woman will think of the consequences
which may ensue and the future it will bring for
all, especially if one with kids. But it cause a lot
of pain and emotional suffering only the bearer
will know...

A simple woman may just allow and close one eye
to promiscuity as long as the kids, the household &
the maintenance are all cared for... but at the
expense of her own happiness... which eventually
will lead to no-feelings attached.

The way out for you is personal..... and based on
what you seek in the near future. Divorce is never
without a tangle of many different strings of issues.
To go ahead means one has to be strong for one
self before one can be strong for the children...

I would be extremely sad if i were in your shoes and
each day missing my man and wondering where and
what had gone wrong... But then again if we had done
everything we could to make a marriage work & make
our man happy despite the many other things we do ard
the house and with the children, what else can be done?

In this case, a thousand years of self-reflection and
patience will not help make things any better.

Though it seems that loved ones around us may advise
the leaving the man is the best solution, the heart breaks
just thinking about it..... only the one going through will
know how this one ache never goes away, with or without
divorce.

Take care sweetie...
Do know that you're in my thoughts and prayers...

[mintcc]

you may want to talk to a lawyer first…also decide if you want the kids to follow you. It is up to the court to decide if in the end you and you hb do not agree on the settlement. But the first decision you need to make is whether you want to stay with this man.

[ZacK]

Windy:

My husnabd go drinking everynight from Mon to Sun and only come home 5am or 6am, he will go straight from his office, lock his phone with password, MSN to girl in chinese, chg his bank account, chg his dressing and go for expensive haircut, had ONS with vietnam girl when he was in vietnam last year, visit china pro in KTV, found eye lasher in his front car seat (he said belong to KTV pro), not interested in intimacy with me and not interested to go out with the family. But he still pay monthly maintainance, go market with me, buy me dinner on Sat at coffee shop, pay tution fees and said he love me. After I realised the changed since last Sept, I need to take sleeping pill everynight till today and will wake up at interval of 3am, 4am, 6am to check if he is back or gave him a call, but he still will not come home. I had 2 children, 7 and 9, I m early 40 with a job, should I divorce? :?

I am sorry to hear abt your situation. Hope you will be strong for yourself and the kids

[poppi]

It's hard for anyone to advise you on what to do. But it's good to let it out and not keep the pain within. Or it's going to be hard to endure and go on. With kids, there is usually more to consider. But think through what's best for you and the children. It's true that such circumstances, it may affect the children too. Just hang on there and be strong.

[t9699.08694yahoo.08694com.08694sg]

My prayers to all who are facing troubled relationships...


Leaving a marriage may seem like a thing the tough would do but also remember, that to stay and to try to make things work is no easy feat....I personally know many friends who stay and make their marriage work for the sake of their kids and I really salute their efforts...

There are no winners in a divorce, so please consider all factors first...especially when there are kids involved....

[shaynamommy]

okay, I know that I should not be asking you to jump the gun and come to a conclusion. But you should speak to a lawyer (even if you are not planning to walk out of this marriage) and be aware of your rights. I am not a feminist but you really should not let him get away scot free. I know of some men who told their wives the same thing (no alimony, no house, no children for the wife blah blah blah if they divorce) but I think it is because they want to deter the wife from attempting a divorce, which can be expensive for him.


It is always better to know what you are entitled to so that you can evaluate your options better. Sometimes, you would feel better once you know that you have a choice and it is then up to you to exercise the options available.

[Windy]

I was very touch to get all the advise and encouragement, as my hb ask me not to discuss this topic to any friends or relatives so I do not know who can I seek advise. Sould I get a PI as he said he definitely not having an affair, he said he just want to drink and chat with his kaki till 5am. If no affair, PI no use right. It cost alot too. I had a confession note for his act of adultery written and sign by him last year, is this enough?

[Busymom]

From what I have heard before, if the husband is the one who has strayed or committed adultery, it would not be easy for him to fight for the custody of his children with you. Generally speaking, the Singapore system is one that favours women more. My advice is you should speak to a good lawyer and work out your options, including what you may get from the home that you are currently staying in. Even if you have not contributed financially to the house, the court will take into consideration the non-financial contributions that you have made, and that include the time that you spent to bring up your kids, do housework, etc.


From a personal experience from someone close, I strongly recommend getting a good lawyer, even if it costs more. Can make a lot of difference to the outcome of the divorce, if you are comtemplating one.

Lastly, I believe kids would be happier/more settled if their parents are as well. If the marriage is bringing you so much pain, your kids would not be happy too (unless you are a really good actress…). Again, from a personal experience, I could tell you honestly that kids do not or would not mind if their parents are divorced. Sometimes, to witness all the quarrels and fights can be more scary for the kids. You should also ask yourself if your husband has played his role as a father to the kids. And I don’t mean just the financial aspects.

Wish you very best in your decision.

[winth]

windy:

My husnabd go drinking everynight from Mon to Sun and only come home 5am or 6am, he will go straight from his office, lock his phone with password, MSN to girl in chinese, chg his bank account, chg his dressing and go for expensive haircut, had ONS with vietnam girl when he was in vietnam last year, visit china pro in KTV, found eye lasher in his front car seat (he said belong to KTV pro), not interested in intimacy with me and not interested to go out with the family. But he still pay monthly maintainance, go market with me, buy me dinner on Sat at coffee shop, pay tution fees and said he love me. After I realised the changed since last Sept, I need to take sleeping pill everynight till today and will wake up at interval of 3am, 4am, 6am to check if he is back or gave him a call, but he still will not come home. I had 2 children, 7 and 9, I m early 40 with a job, should I divorce?

Hi windy, you already have enough tell-tale signs over here that he is definitely having some sorta flings outside, whether there are feelings attached with the women or not.

If you like to know, I think there is a 90% chance that there is some sexual relationships going on already. So hiring a PI will not waste your time or money if you are contemplating a divorce or a full clamp down on your husband and his affairs. A revelation might or might not save your marriage. But this revelation will definitely end your misery.

What you want now is to have justice done to you, not continue suffering in this endless torture and agony.

Please read this to be informed: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
The least you could do now is to gather information before making any rational decisions. It is important to stay collected and deal with this relationship logically.

If you read the above site, you will understand that the idea of coming out clean with your husband's flings/affairs is not to end a marriage. It is actually to end this affair and move on and, whether you do decide to stay married to this man or not is your own personal choice. But now we need to work towards this choice first. What I see now, your husband is asking you to keep all his dirty affairs underground, close both eyes to all his little fantasies.

Many would advice that you first gather evidence, secure your finances (joint account, credit card so that the wayward spouse DO NOT continue to spend on the expense of the family), understand your options - being informed here is very important.

Understand that your husband pays for certain expenses - household, marketing, tuition fees. If you ask me, you should keep your PI investigations hush-hush (no break down even when you get these evidence), keep as much $ away from your husband first, secure those allowances he contribute (say need to pay tuition 3 months in advance, marketing allowance gone up etc).

I have read through so many books and sites and the betrayed spouses who won and saved their own marriages when infidelity occurs are those who are logical and confident enough to challenge their wayward spouses.

This I think insider has proven to us that she has successfully saved her own marriage. IMPT: Revealing and giving your husband 'show-downs' is not the end of your marriage. You are telling your husband here that it is time for hime to wake up from his little fantasies and start facing the realities of your marriage. That is if he is still keen to keep this marriage, if not, you should end your suffering here but ending this marriage.

We are not marriage counsellors or professional lawyers, and what forummers here could give are our support and advices from some of our personal experiences. The actions can only come from you. You will suffer an emotional breakdown if you don't leapt into action. There is also a risk that your husband is spending so much money on his entertainment outside that he will no longer be able to provide for you. And when that day comes, you need to clean up this mess too. So either way, it's a lose-lose. Decide what you need to do first, things will only go worse, almost never better. I have seen it in other people's marriages, light does not appear at the end of the tunnel by 看着办 or 走一步算一步. It happens only to those who brave through darkness to seek for the light.