In-law problems?

[jtoh]

Chenonceau:

jtoh:

Chenonceau, you very brave to have your mil with you again.

Actually no... I think I am just stupid.

Good luck!!!!!!!

[Chenonceau]

sall:

mummyJune:

but the only thing i dun like is every morning when my kids go over her place she sure got something to comment on for example Y my son got rashes on his neck etc, i tel my hubby wa, yr mum trying to say we duno how to take care iszit? OK, mayb she dun mean it that way, but call me petty la, since when do DILs & MILs get along?

Ya, a lot of mil think they know everything, so they must comment on everything. If the dil argue with them, they will say the ridiculous stuff like 'I eat more salt than you eat rice'. :roll:

mummyJune, it's not being petty ok!! I thought I was being petty too and put up with the subtle undermining of my competence as a mother for TEN years... and the insidious undermining of my relationship with my kids. It's not petty because kids benefit from a strong relationship with Mommy. My kids were a lot better off emotionally and academically away from such an unhealthy daily dose of undermining comments.

Sall... my MIL said that to me every day for a decade. And after I told her off, she began to do it behind my back... criticising this action or that decision. Nothing I did was good enough. Even soya sauce also buy wrong (in her opinion). She has however completely changed after her son had a talk with her about keeping separate roofs if there was no family harmony and interpersonal respect.

I think it won't last. But at least, when she moves in with us, there is a wall separating our 2 households. To get to my house, she needs to go outside and come in again.

[RRMummy]

Chenonceau:

cwc... It's so easy to say that people do that because they're sick and cannot help it, and so one must be forgiving... but really having to forgive day in and day out is a different matter. I think your hubby married an ANGEL, and I hope he knows it too.

I agree. Kudos to you cwc.

:snuggles:

[jtoh]

Chenonceau:

sall:

[quote=\"mummyJune\"]but the only thing i dun like is every morning when my kids go over her place she sure got something to comment on for example Y my son got rashes on his neck etc, i tel my hubby wa, yr mum trying to say we duno how to take care iszit? OK, mayb she dun mean it that way, but call me petty la, since when do DILs & MILs get along?

Ya, a lot of mil think they know everything, so they must comment on everything. If the dil argue with them, they will say the ridiculous stuff like 'I eat more salt than you eat rice'. :roll:

mummyJune, it's not being petty ok!! I thought I was being petty too and put up with the subtle undermining of my competence as a mother for TEN years... and the insidious undermining of my relationship with my kids. It's not petty because kids benefit from a strong relationship with Mommy. My kids were a lot better off emotionally and academically away from such an unhealthy daily dose of undermining comments.

Sall... my MIL said that to me every day for a decade. And after I told her off, she began to do it behind my back... criticising this action or that decision. Nothing I did was good enough. Even soya sauce also buy wrong (in her opinion). She has however completely changed after her son had a talk with her about keeping separate roofs if there was no family harmony and interpersonal respect.

I think it won't last. But at least, when she moves in with us, there is a wall separating our 2 households. To get to my house, she needs to go outside and come in again.[/quote]And in the meantime you can run out and lock the connecting gate between your two houses. :rotflmao:

[Angelight]

Hi chenonceau,


You are blessed to have a hubby who stands by you and speaks up for you to his mum. :hugs:

It's NEVER easy to live with MIL under the same roof. Been there, done that. And never want to try again. I was preggie with DD then and stayed with in-laws until confinement over. Almost got post-natal depression...those were the days, just want to bury it forever. :sad:

Chenonceau:

My in-laws will be moving in with us in the next few months. This is the 3rd time I am trying to stay with them. The first time, I was the maid because we had no money to get a maid. We moved out to my own place because I didn't want to have 2 jobs (my day job and the maid on evenings and weekends).

The 2nd time, she moved in (even though her huge flat was just within waving distance from mine). She had her place but insisted to have a room at mine. This time, I was the dispossessed mother who was criticised for everything I did from cooking to child-rearing... nothing I did was good. I almost wondered why she didn't marry her son and take my place in my home. I didn't dare to say anything but managed to move her back to her place by arguing that SHE HAD HER OWN PLACE, and that I needed space to bring up my kids without being criticised all day.

This will be the 3rd time. I'm older and in the past years, have managed to bring up 2 kids + one foster kid pretty much to the satisfaction of my husband and myself. The kids are doing better now after we moved her out and made things simple. My husband agreed that I deserve my personal space. He also agreed that family harmony was more important than family proximity. So we structured a self-sufficient apartment (with separate kitchen and hall) within our home.

Now that I am older and more assertive, I also told her that after she moves over there, she should mind her own business in her apartment and leave me to run things at my home, and that even if she didn't agree, I was gonna do things my way.

But she really didn't improve until DH told her that HE had left that the decision to stay with her to ME... and that if there was no harmony under one roof then it makes better sense to have 2 roofs for the sake of relationships, and the children. Since that ONE talk with her son, she has completely stopped criticising me, and she even said that she understood that I needed personal space to do things the way I think best.

I do so hope this lasts.

[Sun_2010]

Angelight:

Hi chenonceau,


You are blessed to have a hubby who stands by you and speaks up for you to his mum. :hugs:

It's NEVER easy to live with MIL under the same roof. Been there, done that. And never want to try again. I was preggie with DD then and stayed with in-laws until confinement over. Almost got post-natal depression...those were the days, just want to bury it forever. :sad:

Then just do that - bury it and let go...
:hugs:

[Angelight]

Thanks, Sun. Am trying...trying very hard indeed.

Sun_2010:

Angelight:

Hi chenonceau,

You are blessed to have a hubby who stands by you and speaks up for you to his mum. :hugs:

It's NEVER easy to live with MIL under the same roof. Been there, done that. And never want to try again. I was preggie with DD then and stayed with in-laws until confinement over. Almost got post-natal depression...those were the days, just want to bury it forever. :sad:

Then just do that - bury it and let go...
:hugs:

[BeContented]

Chenonceau:

jtoh:

Chenonceau, you very brave to have your mil with you again.

Actually no... I think I am just stupid.

Run around since 6am till now....finally a chance to sit and surf.... :rahrah:
Hmm....if you are stupid, I must be CRAZY & IDIOTIC :laugh:

Actually this is my 3rd time too and it proved to be fatal :faint:
1st time, married and got no house, stay with them for 2 years. But as DH travelled a lot, I practically pack-bag home if DH not around for >3days. Back then already :siam: them day in & out.
2nd time, PILs sold old & got a new house, need temp shelter, so came over for a few months.....xiong and terrible, but bear with it since still see light at end of tunnel.
3rd time (this time), PILs getting old all by themselves, fights everyday, so DH insist they shift in to help take care/monitor them. I was :siao: enough to want to be filial but now realised I courted my own death......... the rest, no need to say liao.

Seriously, thanks for all the compliments (Chenoneau, RRMummy)....dun really deserve it cos' I dun do that much esp now got helper, but mentally it is stressful, very, since I am also picky and petty type. And when you meet someone who insist it's a habit and refused to change :mad: :stupid: If I can turn back the clock, I will probably insist FIL be sent to nursing home right from the start instead of agreeing to hire a helper. At least I have half the problem gone instead of 3 sets. (MIL, FIL, Helper) While FIL may not last that long, maybe another year?? MIL is strong and I fear she still has a loooonnnngggg way to go.

Me no ANGEL....but definitely upset when still kena blamed just becos' I am the DIL. So I probably will stop giving face to all the whoever trying to give me some 'good advice' on how I should behave. Like YingLuck, it's a minefield over here, tread carefully hor...dun try your luck over my house :evil:
(*aiyah, can only say say oni....can only act tough oni.....YES YES, here I can imagine. But after that, soft-hearted again.....grrrhhhhh :slapshead: )

[Chenonceau]

You dun deserve it? You dun? What must a DIL suffer to deserve anything then. Seriously, you deserve every bit of admiration and more. For having a kind heart… for giving so much of yourself… for holding up under extreme aggravation. Voluntarily too.

[sall]

Chenonceau, is the mil going to your house for meals everyday since she's going to stay next to you? You also deserve a :salute: for tolerating such mil for so many years. These mil are not educated, so they are so fixed and stubborn and refused to change. I believe the next generation should have better mil, since we are all educated and have gone thru the nightmare.

Last time when my mil was still not senile, she was also interfering with lots of thing. dh is super filial and will never dare to stay no and he even declares his mother is always right. Now the mil is 90+ and very senile, so does not interfer any more.