Raising Resilient Children

[buds]

Of course it's not the same deminc. :slapshead: I was jesting with brader markfch... a not so private ILs joke. But ppl do take advantage of someone who's too kind... hence in my \"case\", patience n kindness ain't necessarily a virtue. My tolerance level is beyond magnanimous. Extremely tolerant.. kind.. patient.. and all out of love.


Thus far it has been worth it. :love:

:xedfingers:

[Strparent]

deminc:

markfch:

Last week ds told me something which shocked me again. He said, \"I noticed that kind people are normally weak people.\" :yikes:


Life lesson No. 2.

For better or for worse, I concurred, \"Yes. Next time don't be too kind when you grow up, otherwise people will take advantage of you.\" Not sure whether I taught the right thing, it just came out of my mouth in that instant. :?

Kind is not the same as being a doormat. One is motivated by wanting to do the right thing or being tolerant out of a big heart. The other is motivated by fear of repercussions. I would have asked the child what incidents he had observed in school to lead to that conclusion and discussed that. It is not a zero-sum game. He raised a very good point, and it is something worth pursuing and a chance to impart some life values as well as parameters.

Hi Mark, just want to share my personal views.

I agree with deminc. There is no single general term to explain this situation - discussion and reasoning is best for a growing child.

Your instant comment 'Next time don't be too kind when you grow up, otherwise people will take advantage of you' is rather misleading and inappropriate for yr DS, in my humble opinion ( No offence intended, paiseh). His view of 'nice people are weak' is similar to the old saying 'nice people finish last'. That is not necessarily true. It is all a particular angle of perception. Better to explain the pros and the cons and have a nice discussion to your bright and perceptive DS.

But I can understand that angle as well. When my DS was in lower primary, he was always helping out, being kind to teachers and students - so in a way, he was 'taken advantage- of sometimes. My sis, his caring aunt, would always say ' why so goon ? do so much for what ? lugi wor. ' etc. However, if you look at it in a bigger picture, what do you lose out on ? time ? effort ?
I had a talk with him, and I sincerely believed him, when he said he dont feel that he was disadvantaged in anyway. He simply wants to help and be nice. It does not bother him much what others think or do. I think as young boys, that should be a good thing, not being calculative, being open minded, having a big heart.
In upper primary, he stood up for the smaller kids against bullies, occasionally getting into scruffles with the bullies. So we get called up once or twice. Though the teachers was quick to point out he did it out of good, but the method was wrong. ( Secretly, I told him, I was on his side, coz thats what boys do. ). But some of the other classmates appreciate his 'actions' because the bully toned down after these incidents. Likewise, his aunt would say \" why u kaypo? none of yr biz, now u kena reprimanded, not worth\". Always 2 sides to a coin.

At their age, they are learning very fast. Groom them, guide them but we should not harness them totally in our views. Share with them and let them see the good right choices, thats what I would do.

when they reach their early teens, then new sets of problems come - seeking atttention, wanting to be popular, BGR, etc , but hopefully the foundation has been built solidly, so they can continue their lesson curve well.

[cnimed]

er Buds, actually i didn’t read most of the posts in this thread, including yours (no offence, don’t even know who else posted in this thread). I limit my internet time and I only skimmed through the posts to find out what mark’s SON said and my post was only in response to his which is in the quote. So relax…my post has nothing to do with your post.

[Chenonceau]

I think it takes a lot of courage to be kind. People who are kind are not afraid. If you are afraid that people will take advantage of you, you won’t be kind. For example, people who refused to help the little toddler who was run down, were afraid.


I think it takes strength of character to be kind. This is especially so AFTER you’ve been hurt. You need to be strong enough to first forgive, and then strong enough to do the kind thing.

I think that truly kind people are very strong people.

[Charnic]

I beg to differ. My opinion here would probably upset some, but i need to say that since young, we have taught our only gal not to be helpful to strangers. If she have difficulty thinking whether should or should not help, then to play safe, do not help and mind your own business. Our reason stems from the fact that we have read too many incidences of "child molest" by strangers who took advantage of young kids who are helpful.


I have one and only gal, really cannot afford to take chances. My upbringing could be skewed but I need to instil clear instructions since young as she may not be able to differentiate under which situation to help or not to help.

[LOLMum]

cns, i agree with you. but sometimes it can be confusing for the kids.


we always tell our kids not to talk or smile to strangers. yet we (in our kids' presence) smile or strike up a conversations with strangers (be it at school, at cafe, at mrt etc). so the kids are like :scratchhead: so can talk to strangers or not?

we heard of kids being molested by strangers who asked them for help etc. so to play safe, i always tell my young kids, if they are alone without mummy or an adult friend, dont help or go near strangers. only when they are bigger than help.

[Chenonceau]

CNS:

I beg to differ. My opinion here would probably upset some, but i need to say that since young, we have taught our only gal not to be helpful to strangers. If she have difficulty thinking whether should or should not help, then to play safe, do not help and mind your own business. Our reason stems from the fact that we have read too many incidences of \"child molest\" by strangers who took advantage of young kids who are helpful.


I have one and only gal, really cannot afford to take chances. My upbringing could be skewed but I need to instil clear instructions since young as she may not be able to differentiate under which situation to help or not to help.

I taught that too. My toddler was not yet strong enough to be kind. But step by step as she grows, we encourage her to be kind in ways that she is strong enough to.

[Busymom]

markfch:

I'm only faced with the problem recently. Still not too late lah. At least he's learning to be stronger. Today he decided that he should wear the watch the whole day, regardless of possible comments by others. That's my boy!

That's a good start to character building! :rahrah:

They are still young and therefore definitely need guidance from us for situations that we would have taken for granted since \"we can be 6X older than them\"

[Busymom]

markfch:

If my ds forgets his watch, he'll get the same rant from me. This is part of training to be responsible right?

Yes, rant... and I have been doing lots... because of her nature. But rant already still the same behaviour, so super frustrated sometimes. She didn't even know how she got that crack in the first place. If a person cannot recall the cause of something, how to make her realise that she mustn't do something?

markfch:

Last week ds told me something which shocked me again. He said, \"I noticed that kind people are normally weak people.\" :yikes:

Life lesson No. 2.

For better or for worse, I concurred, \"Yes. Next time don't be too kind when you grow up, otherwise people will take advantage of you.\" Not sure whether I taught the right thing, it just came out of my mouth in that instant. :?

I guess you responded that way out of your instinct to protect him, which is natural. It is hard to generalise things in one or two sentences. Other forummers are right to point out the need to go into specific discussion.

Like you, I am also torn sometimes with what values we should teach our children. Have observed our kids do not like to rush/scramble for the pinata candies/treats when other kids are all doing it (as well as in some other situations that requires children to be kiasu a bit, or for example do you allow some children to jump queue in front of you or push you out of the way when you are already standing there), mentioned this once to some friends and the response at that time was, we need to teach our children to be more aggressive at times, otherwise they won't be able to compete in future with the more aggressive foreigners out there, it is the survival of the fittest...

Guess no easy right or wrong answer. :roll:

[sleepy]

I know what you mummies meant. I'm always contradicting myself too