Raising Resilient Children

[Chenonceau]

CNS:

I beg to differ. My opinion here would probably upset some, but i need to say that since young, we have taught our only gal not to be helpful to strangers. If she have difficulty thinking whether should or should not help, then to play safe, do not help and mind your own business. Our reason stems from the fact that we have read too many incidences of \"child molest\" by strangers who took advantage of young kids who are helpful.


I have one and only gal, really cannot afford to take chances. My upbringing could be skewed but I need to instil clear instructions since young as she may not be able to differentiate under which situation to help or not to help.

I taught that too. My toddler was not yet strong enough to be kind. But step by step as she grows, we encourage her to be kind in ways that she is strong enough to.

[Busymom]

markfch:

I'm only faced with the problem recently. Still not too late lah. At least he's learning to be stronger. Today he decided that he should wear the watch the whole day, regardless of possible comments by others. That's my boy!

That's a good start to character building! :rahrah:

They are still young and therefore definitely need guidance from us for situations that we would have taken for granted since \"we can be 6X older than them\"

[Busymom]

markfch:

If my ds forgets his watch, he'll get the same rant from me. This is part of training to be responsible right?

Yes, rant... and I have been doing lots... because of her nature. But rant already still the same behaviour, so super frustrated sometimes. She didn't even know how she got that crack in the first place. If a person cannot recall the cause of something, how to make her realise that she mustn't do something?

markfch:

Last week ds told me something which shocked me again. He said, \"I noticed that kind people are normally weak people.\" :yikes:

Life lesson No. 2.

For better or for worse, I concurred, \"Yes. Next time don't be too kind when you grow up, otherwise people will take advantage of you.\" Not sure whether I taught the right thing, it just came out of my mouth in that instant. :?

I guess you responded that way out of your instinct to protect him, which is natural. It is hard to generalise things in one or two sentences. Other forummers are right to point out the need to go into specific discussion.

Like you, I am also torn sometimes with what values we should teach our children. Have observed our kids do not like to rush/scramble for the pinata candies/treats when other kids are all doing it (as well as in some other situations that requires children to be kiasu a bit, or for example do you allow some children to jump queue in front of you or push you out of the way when you are already standing there), mentioned this once to some friends and the response at that time was, we need to teach our children to be more aggressive at times, otherwise they won't be able to compete in future with the more aggressive foreigners out there, it is the survival of the fittest...

Guess no easy right or wrong answer. :roll:

[sleepy]

I know what you mummies meant. I'm always contradicting myself too

[Busymom]

My boss once said to me that I have to be more aggressive with one of my colleagues, otherwise I get \"eaten up\" by him...


Guess we have all been brought up to be not boastful, keep a low profile, just do our work... unlike some Westerners who can be very good in how they present themselves.

[markfch]

This discussion about the conflict of being kind vs risk of being ‘eaten’ is very interesting. It’s a topic that’s very close to my heart as I expect that my window of influence (to mould ds’s character) is only about 3 yrs, after which I’ll lose much of my persuasiveness.


Really appreciate the sincere and kind-hearted sharing. Let me dig out more info from ds before posting later.

[Funz]

My sis has time and again told me that DS will be taken advantage of or bullied. She kept saying that he is too soft. When in play, he is always the one giving in to DD an their cousin. In his childcare, whenever the kids move of area to area, you will see most of the kids rushing the be the 1st one to get to the next destination. DS will be the one holding the door open for all to go pass him.


After another incident where DD managed to get her way, I asked DS, it was his turn to choose what they wanted to play and his original choice was not DD’s choice so why did he agree to do what DD wanted. His answer to me, "it’s ok, it does not matter to me what we play but it matters to che che so I don’t mind letting her choose".

DS is a rather well behaved boy and will always be getting some kind of small rewards in the classes that he attends. There were times when he gave his reward to his friends because his friend was upset that he/she did not get a reward. His teacher told me once on an outing, he was not picked to answer some questions and thus did not win any mini prizes so, he was a bit disappointed. When the class got back to the centre, a few of his classmates who got to answer the questions offered their little prizes to him. He thanked them but did not accept their offers though. And when the teacher asked the few who volunteered to give up their gifts why they did that, they said cos DS seem disappointed and when they were disappointed last time, DS cheered them up by giving them his gifts. DS came home from that outing all chirpy and happy. He told me, "for IS, GX and XW, I will always share everything with them". I asked him why only these 3, he said "because they are kind to me after I have been kind to them all these time. The rest, even though I have been kind to them all these time, they still do not care". I asked him again but when you were kind to them last time, were you expecting anything in return. He frowned and thought about it then told me, no but after the outing incident, he knows now, who are kind and who are more selfish. He will be extra kind to those who are kind but only a little kind to those who are selfish.

[Chenonceau]

Funz... your DS is a sweetheart. He will amass a lot of goodwill and this goodwill will help him succeed in life. He really is a sweetheart!! My heart is so warmed by what you shared.


:love: :love: :love: :love: :love:

[Strparent]

Funz:

he said \"because they are kind to me after I have been kind to them all these time. The rest, even though I have been kind to them all these time, they still do not care\". I asked him again but when you were kind to them last time, were you expecting anything in return. He frowned and thought about it then told me, no but after the outing incident, he knows now, who are kind and who are more selfish. He will be extra kind to those who are kind but only a little kind to those who are selfish.

Funz,

yr DS is an absolute angel, yet a true gentleman in the making. :salute:

I love your line of questions which lead to another, and then a mini discussion is formed. My DS was similar ( but yr DS lagi better ), he used to said \" if kena taken advantage, then next time I know who my true frens are lor'. Like I said before, being kind is a virtue, do not do it and then expect immediate gratitude from others, better that it is self gratification that you have done a good deed.
Good deeds will always work in circles, just depending on how big the diameters are nia nia.

:salute: to yr DS's parents.

[Funz]

:oops: Chen, Strparent, I cannot claim credit for how DS is. He seem to be born that way. That is his character and my job to mould him is that much easier.


DD on the other hand is very different. Their age gap is pretty close, 2yrs apart only. The values we impart are the same but somehow, DD is more self centered. She wants her way most of the time and will not be moved by someone else's sadness if it means she has her way. Especially when it comes to her brother. With her friends though she can be very generous though still at times bossy.

At times, the mama bear in me will want to speak up for DS whenever he starts giving in to others. But the other part of me will keep telling me that DS has to learn to put his foot down for things that matters to him. My interferring will not help him. And from what I hear from his teacher in school, it seems I don't have much to worry about. DS is capable of standing up for himself.

Oh well, we'll see when he goes to primary school since his world right now rather padded.