Raising Resilient Children

[Funz]

Thank you Chen, deminc, ksi, becontented, mark and all who spent time putting in your thoughts.


I can diss that girl in front of DD? Really? :rahrah: I was trying to hard not the say too much negative stuff about that girl that I have ulcers all over my tongue.

DD is not a quiet or shy girl. In fact she is very outgoing and will take the lead to initiate play and activities among her friends. Before she started primary school, I was afraid she will be the bully as she tends to insist on her own way and will manipulate situations to her advantage. My worry was more along the lines of her not having friends cos they are turned off by her bossiness instead of her being too much of a follower.

I was lying in bed, unable to sleep last night thinking about DD. I came to a realisation that she is L to many of her other friends. She does, to her friends, exactly what L does to her. During our talk about this situation with L, she revealed that she finds most of her classmates irritating and only a handful in that class are people whom she wants to be 'best' friends with. To her anyone who is her friend has the status of 'best' friend and those whom she has not identified as 'best' friend material are not even worth the title of just friend. She is sad that she does not have more 'best' friends.

I had to tell her my definition of friends and best friends. Told her most people have many friends but maybe only 1 or 2 best friends. And told her that between best friends, they will still have their differences and may still quarrel but at the end of the day, a best friend will always be there for you and help you. Told her to think about why she wants to be friends with certain people and write them down. Stuff like cos they are funny, helpful, rich, etc. Whatever comes to mind. Told her to also write down, what about herself, she thinks, will make people want to be her friend.

I have yet to see her lists. I asked her to do up the list so that I can have a better understanding of how she views friendship and how she sees herself. Will take it from there to guide her.

All your inputs gave me many fruit for thoughts and helped me see things from many more different angles. I especially like the assurance that I can badmouth the other kid. Felt guilty as we are suppose to lead by example and badmouthing is not something good. haha.

Chen as usual your inputs are invaluable. Your items 1 and 2 freaked me out though. I may disappoint you, though on the faith part. I am not a baptised christian though I turn to the words of God a fair bit. For now, we are free thinkers and will leave our children to find their own path.

[Chenonceau]

Funz… that’s a great idea!! This making a list thing. I am gonna tuck that idea away for future use.


I just wanted to also clarify we’re not dissing the girl for the sake of dissing her. It’s all done privately and within the family… and the aims are to
(1) Teach our values through a negative example
(2) Break our child’s attachment to an unhealthy relationship
(3) Ensure our child does not follow in the footsteps of the bully

Our primary school children are receiving constant imprinting. This imprinting will follow them throughout their lives. How the bully treats your DD is a strong imprinting influence and unless you want your DD to unconsciously pick up this imprint and use it on others weaker than her, it is good to point out in the strongest terms possible how BAD this is. Then turn her towards positive examples and models of secure and loving friendships by helping her build these with nice girls.

The other thing I teach my kids is that if they wanna say bad things about anyone, they should say it to Mommy and only Mommy. This teaches them that generally badmouthing people is a no-no but allows them a avenue to vent whatever poison is in their system. As a result, my kids don’t gossip about people.

I tell them that Petty people talk about other people all the time. Great people talk about ideas and action.

All the best!! I have no doubt that you’ll do fine after reading the sharing from so many different perspectives. You’re a smart Mama Bear on the warpath. I wouldn’t stand in your way if I could help it!! You go out there and rescue your little cub!! We’re all cheering for you.

[Funz]

Chenonceau:

I tell them that Petty people talk about other people all the time. Great people talk about ideas and action.

Ooooohhhh!!! I like this!

And no worries about the dissing thing. I think most of us know where you are coming from.

My only problems is DD may just blurt out to that person, \"my mummy say you :censored: \"

She is quite impulsive and emotional.

[Funz]

Oh and back to the kid going to toilet alone thing.


I am one who believe in prevention better then cure. I do tell kiddos about not following strangers, and to scream as loud as possible if anyone grabs them and if someone follows too closely when they are going to the toilet or entering the lift, let the person go first. I tell them to be aware of their surrounding and the people around them. To trust their instinct if they do not feel comfortable about some people or doing some things.

But even with all these, I cannot guarantee that kiddos will have the presence of mind to do what we have told them. When talking, they can give all the right answers but when face with the actual situation, they may freeze.

So prevention better then cure. Especially when they are still so small.

[LOLMum]

sometimes there might not be physical contact but these creepy monsters might just stand there and watch the kid pee especially if the kid is using teh urinal. it is a violation right?

[prata_queen]

Yo yo everyone,


I got a offtopic to bring up here cos I dun wanna create a new thread. Pls bear with me.

About the topic of molest of young children, my dd’s childcare recently started introducing external enrichment vendors to conduct lessons after school hours, starting at 5pm, ending 6ish. I requested the P to “pls ensure there are no male teachers from these external vendors”. FYI, all internal teachers are ladies. The reasons for my concerns are as follows:

-\tdd is usually the last few to go home, very close to closing time of 7pm. If there is indeed a perverted external teacher conducting class after most children and teachers are left, my dd will be in danger!
-\talthough the external teacher is only in-charge of conducting the lesson, who will ensure he/she leaves the school immediately after the lesson? There is the possibility that the teacher may lurk in the school compound, if he has an ulterior motive to molest the children. And as there are few kids remaining after 6.15pm, with only 1-2 teachers keeping an eye on them, how can I be sure my child is safe from the teacher, assuming one with ill-intentions?

I’m sure many of you would have childcare centres who hire external enrichment centres to conduct classes. Would you mind if there is a male teacher amidst them? Note – I’m not referring to the toileting and bathing part (that one would be a 100% no-no for most parents.)

i have a unique ability to ‘think up’ worst-case scenarios where it concerns the welfare and safety of my children, so says my hubby, and I suspect the principal thinks the same way. But I can’t help myself! When dd was only 18mths and had just joined this new CC, I was so afraid she would be knocked down by the older children at the playground (after lessons at 5pm, the children congregate at the playground with a few teachers supervising them) and the P arranged for a kind teacher to solely (well, almost) take care of vulnerable dd until I came to pick her up. This kind teacher (whom I still am very grateful to) attached my 10+kg dd to her hips, and carried her most of the time so that the older children do not run into her.

[Pen88n]

DD previous childcare used to run enrichment classes for the kids and there are male external teachers teaching computers and arts. I am comfortable with that as the childcare environment is very "open" - small set-up, no hidden corners, all within one level, etc.

[Nebbermind]

Only when my girl started P1 then I realised how manipulative some kids can be, coz my boy will not tell me what is going on in class.


But I also realised that I shd not take everything from my girl at face value. Things that she related to me can be skewed to what she chose to see and how she wld interprete thereafter. :oops:

[markfch]

Nebbermind:

Only when my girl started P1 then I realised how manipulative some kids can be, coz my boy will not tell me what is going on in class.


But I also realised that I shd not take everything from my girl at face value. Things that she related to me can be skewed to what she chose to see and how she wld interprete thereafter. :oops:

True lah. I also discount 50% of what ds tells me, knowing that he's such a sensitive fellow. Sometimes he tells me that so-and-so bullies him. I asked him how? His reply was that so-and-so doesn't want to play catching with him. Liddat also considered as bullying?

Only when I notice unusual behaviour over extended period of time, would I take a closer look.

Edit: Thanks for all the warning on allowing ds to go public toilets unaccompanied. Looks like we've riding our luck the last 3 years. I'll take note the next time.

[Chenonceau]

I too am super kiasu about potential molesters. I make sure my kids know that NOBODY is to touch their ahems or remove their underwear without permission from ME. Neither DS nor DD are allowed into public toilets without escort. I used to have a subordinate who was raped at 10. My friend’s maid took her 2nd son’s penis in her mouth!! These are events that happened to people close to me. So I am paranoid.


As for taking what kids say with a pinch of salt, here’s my view. One can be slow to intervene… but one should never make the child feel that he/she is disbelieved. I figure that I am the ONLY person my kids can really talk to and I want them to keep talking to me. I let them know that I believe everything they say.

To date, I have actively intervened only once in a case of bullying. Even when the bully pushed my son up against the wall and threatened to kick him in the groin, I did not complain to Teacher. I only went to Teacher when the bully took my son’s textbook, rubbed off my son’s name and wrote his own. There was clear evidence of a crime in the form of rubbed off markings on a book.

I am free with advice and a listening ear. I coach and support my kids through their personal hell. I may offer resources such as caterpillars to indirectly bolster my child’s social networks but I personally don’t directly intervene unless it is a clear cut case. However, I also never make my kids feel that it is because I don’t trust them. I just tell them that the time is not right for Mommy to say something… and when the time is right, Mommy will know exactly to say. If you wait long enough, the kids figure it out and no confrontation need take place.