Raising Resilient Children

[Chenonceau]

Strparent:

My DS is even more peace-loving than me ( that should be easy though ) :evil: , but he will not allow bullies to take advantage or push him around. Like I said before, he is like a policeman, a few teachers had said that about him before.

So cute! Scrappy Doo!!

[Busymom]

Just wondering, would you send your son to some martial arts or self-defense classes? If yes, at what age?


I am kind of torn about this. Worried on one hand that he might hurt his friends in school in case of any dispute; on the other hand, think it is good to have some training for self-defense, just in case.

I know some parents send their children to attend such courses when they are still young.

Any thoughts?

[Busymom]

Chenonceau:

Busymom... I wouldn't have done anything differently. It's good time to teach your daughter that friendship should not be bought (by not buying the 3 tubes of glitter glue, you've given action coaching). What I might have added is that friendships are often tested by such events and that if she is patient enough, a true friend will always come around (because I know that the little girls will forget the incident soon enough and be friends again). Meanwhile to get her through her pain, I will be very attentive and huggy and I'll let her know that Mommy will always be her friend...


Then I will wait for it to blow over. I find that moments when a child has just been hurt are wonderful teachable moments. So... in between offering your child emotional support to give pain relief, you would also help her a few steps towards understanding a healthy notion of friendship. Dun worry lah... you've done great.

:udawoman:

:thankyou:

It is reassuring to hear that from you! :hugs:

Will be checking with her tonight if any of her friends make any comment about the incident again

[markfch]

Chenonceau:

Strategies are developed for the situation so my strategy may not work in yours. In our case, both children were in lower primary. Kids that age all fear teachers. Also, our schools have rules and discipline. I needed a strategy that would stimulate the application of the school's disciplinary processes.

I noticed that when other Mommies complained (because us Mommies had talked before about this bully) the teacher always said that both children were at fault, and therefore he refused to take any action against the boy apart from a scolding and getting his Father in.

Since I was working towards a counselling solution, I told my boy a few things
(1) Don't provoke him... avoid him... do everything you can NOT to start anything
(2) Wait long enough and he will STILL punch you or do something so wrong that I can pursue it and not let go till a counsellor is brought in
(3) A punch won't kill you but the Teacher will go for him
(4) Keep a tight rein on your fear and your temper
(5) I am here for you. Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

Our strategy was simply to wait (coiled to strike) for the inevitable and then push our advantage there. If you give a bully enough rope, he will hang himself. Which the bully did, because he became more and more reckless... and one day, he stole my son's textbook, rubbed off my son's name and wrote his own.

It was THEFT.

At that point, I went to the school and presented the case to Teacher, HOD and VP. All 3 went into a fair amount of sabre rattling whilst I stood by and looked... and my son stood by and looked. The bully was absolutely petrified then, and that was the point when my son learnt that bullies too are afraid of something. You just gotta find out what it is and make it happen for them.

A bullying situation is exactly that, it is a SITUATION. This means that it involves more people than just the bully and your child. If you can read the situation and harness counter measures inherent in the situation such as...
(1) having other good friends who will stand up for you
(2) making sure you look so completely innocent so the Teacher KNOWS who to punish
... then you don't have to hit anyone. Knowing my son, if he has to hit someone to save his life, he will... because that is in his nature. Him being whom he is, I have to tame the beast, not let it loose.

Through it all I wanted to teach my son 3 things
(1) if you use your brain to THINK, there are other ways to stop the bullying
(2) control your fear
(3) control your anger

That's a good read, Chen. Yes, most lower primary kids are still afraid of teachers.

[corneyAmber]

Busymom:

My DD also came to tell me something tonight, as she was telling me, I could feel my fever going up another notch and the splitting headache that I was having getting worse :mad:


She was sitting in a group of 5 girls during today's arts class. They were making rabbits with clay. Someone in the group commented that she doesn't like pink. My DD agreed that she too doesn't like pink. According to DD, someone then said pink colour is babyish. Yet another girl asked S why had she used pink to paint her rabbit if she doesn't like pink. S said that she thought pink looked nice on the rabbit. S then turned around and said that my DD was rude to make that comment about pink being babyish and questioning her about using pink if she doesn't like the colour. DD said she wasn't the one, S refused to listened and apparently no one owned up for making that comment. DD said she got into a big arguement with the rest as a result. Thereafter, S even told the arts teacher that DD didn't wash her paintbrush (which DD said she did) but got told off by the teacher instead to mind her own business. I guessed S wasn't happy and sort of told the whole group not to talk anymore, otherwise teacher would scold all of them.

When the lesson was over, DD tried to make peace with the all the 4 girls, but they apparently said no and it will be forever :roll: . As she didn't want to be without friends (this was in her own words and amongst the 4, there was someone whom she played with during recess everyday), she agreed to give them something nice in return - not sure if this was her suggestion or her friends' suggestion. The bribe is 3 tubes of glitter glue (not sure why it is 3 and not 4).

I asked her if she could have really said that pink was babyish but forgotten. She said no. She also said that she thought another person's comment about S using pink despite it being a colour that she doesn't like was rude. In fact, she was quite sure who made that second comment. I said to her then why didn't she turn to this other girl, TM, and ask her to own up saying that. DD said that she tried but got interrupted by S and she didn't have a chance after that. She also said she wasn't sure who made the comment that pink colour is babyish. I said this is a trivial thing to spend time arguing with her friends. If no one wants to believe her words, just ignore their comments and move on. She said she was afraid that if she didn't clear herself, S might complain to the teacher that she made that rude remark about pink colour being babyish. I told her she doesn't have to be worried about this, as that is just an opinion about a colour. There is nothing rude about it, just look at how teacher told off S to mind her own business about the paintbrush. DD said she is a chicken (yes she can be irritating so with her teachers in school), she is worried about getting scolded by the teacher.

I asked her what is she going to do about the 3 tubes of glitter glue. Buy with her pocket money? She asked if we have some at home. I said no, we do not! :mad: Told her that she shouldn't be buying friendship with bribes, especially if she believes she had not made those comments. To me, even if she had made those comments about pink colour, it is a moot point. She had gone to them to try to make up, but got rejected. To be accepted, she had to give them something nice. This is what I disagree with! Ask her if such friends are worth having? She said no. I told her that there is no need to buy those glue. She can go tell the other 4 girls that I said no. If they try to be difficult, she can go and tell her form teacher about it.

Would anyone have done this differently?

Another vote from me for the same action. The kids are blackmailing yr girl emotionally...time should solve the issue and if it does not, then they were never friends to begin with as this issue is quite trivial to lose your girl as a friend.

[Busymom]

ksi:

Busymom:

My DD also came to tell me something tonight, as she was telling me, I could feel my fever going up another notch and the splitting headache that I was having getting worse :mad:


She was sitting in a group of 5 girls during today's arts class. They were making rabbits with clay. Someone in the group commented that she doesn't like pink. My DD agreed that she too doesn't like pink. According to DD, someone then said pink colour is babyish. Yet another girl asked S why had she used pink to paint her rabbit if she doesn't like pink. S said that she thought pink looked nice on the rabbit. S then turned around and said that my DD was rude to make that comment about pink being babyish and questioning her about using pink if she doesn't like the colour. DD said she wasn't the one, S refused to listened and apparently no one owned up for making that comment. DD said she got into a big arguement with the rest as a result. Thereafter, S even told the arts teacher that DD didn't wash her paintbrush (which DD said she did) but got told off by the teacher instead to mind her own business. I guessed S wasn't happy and sort of told the whole group not to talk anymore, otherwise teacher would scold all of them.

When the lesson was over, DD tried to make peace with the all the 4 girls, but they apparently said no and it will be forever :roll: . As she didn't want to be without friends (this was in her own words and amongst the 4, there was someone whom she played with during recess everyday), she agreed to give them something nice in return - not sure if this was her suggestion or her friends' suggestion. The bribe is 3 tubes of glitter glue (not sure why it is 3 and not 4).

I asked her if she could have really said that pink was babyish but forgotten. She said no. She also said that she thought another person's comment about S using pink despite it being a colour that she doesn't like was rude. In fact, she was quite sure who made that second comment. I said to her then why didn't she turn to this other girl, TM, and ask her to own up saying that. DD said that she tried but got interrupted by S and she didn't have a chance after that. She also said she wasn't sure who made the comment that pink colour is babyish. I said this is a trivial thing to spend time arguing with her friends. If no one wants to believe her words, just ignore their comments and move on. She said she was afraid that if she didn't clear herself, S might complain to the teacher that she made that rude remark about pink colour being babyish. I told her she doesn't have to be worried about this, as that is just an opinion about a colour. There is nothing rude about it, just look at how teacher told off S to mind her own business about the paintbrush. DD said she is a chicken (yes she can be irritating so with her teachers in school), she is worried about getting scolded by the teacher.

I asked her what is she going to do about the 3 tubes of glitter glue. Buy with her pocket money? She asked if we have some at home. I said no, we do not! :mad: Told her that she shouldn't be buying friendship with bribes, especially if she believes she had not made those comments. To me, even if she had made those comments about pink colour, it is a moot point. She had gone to them to try to make up, but got rejected. To be accepted, she had to give them something nice. This is what I disagree with! Ask her if such friends are worth having? She said no. I told her that there is no need to buy those glue. She can go tell the other 4 girls that I said no. If they try to be difficult, she can go and tell her form teacher about it.

Would anyone have done this differently?

Another vote from me for the same action. The kids are blackmailing yr girl emotionally...time should solve the issue and if it does not, then they were never friends to begin with as this issue is quite trivial to lose your girl as a friend.

:thankyou:

Exactly, I felt it was such a trivial matter. Anyway, kids would be kids. They usually say things without thinking too deeply, and girls tend to be more petty at this age... which is why in a way, I am happy that DD is in a co-ed school. Can't imagine having to deal with 30 girls in a class in primary school (for me as a parent). Already started seeing such issues at preschool when the class was so small... :roll:

[BlueBreeze]

My child recently got injured in school. Some schoolmates were fooling around, and one of them fell on my child.

My child received serious injuries to the face and required stitches.
Medical bills amounted to roughly S$2,000.
Any advice on how i should handle this situation(to the school and the parents of the other child)?
Thanks

[markfch]

I said previously that at P4, I decided that my parents were talking rubbish and I pretended to listen by merely nodding my head. I think my ds is doing the same thing to me now; only difference is that he doing it at P1.


Whenever I say something he doesn’t like to hear, he’ll go ‘Yah yah yah’ plus rolling of the eyeballs. Now, I’m aware that I can use physical threats like shouting or even slapping his butts to make him stop this irritating habit. I’m equally aware that physical threats are only effective for a limited period. So now I just tell him that he’s being very rude. I’m not hopeful about the effectiveness of this method.

I could cut his computer game time such will surely hurt. But is there a way of appealing to his reasoning? Reasoning - more than threats, is what I’m hoping for.

[Intermezzo]

markfch:

I said previously that at P4, I decided that my parents were talking rubbish and I pretended to listen by merely nodding my head. I think my ds is doing the same thing to me now; only difference is that he doing it at P1.


Whenever I say something he doesn't like to hear, he'll go 'Yah yah yah' plus rolling of the eyeballs. Now, I'm aware that I can use physical threats like shouting or even slapping his butts to make him stop this irritating habit. I'm equally aware that physical threats are only effective for a limited period. So now I just tell him that he's being very rude. I'm not hopeful about the effectiveness of this method.

I could cut his computer game time such will surely hurt. But is there a way of appealing to his reasoning? Reasoning - more than threats, is what I'm hoping for.

hi markfch ~ not sure if you've already tried this..

i find that my kids can take my 'advice' more readily if i talk to them when sitting side by side comfortably like on a sofa. i also put an arm around their shoulder. somehow it feels less \"confrontational\" to them, compared with when you're both standing face to face. also, since you are much taller than your boy in P1, it might make him feel like being talked \"down\" to.. so talking to him at eye-level might also help..

no matter how, young kids do need ALOT of reminder when it comes to behavorial issues.
i also find that it's more effective to touch on one topic at a time, and to speak short and to the point. sometimes just one or two words is enough as a reminder.

just sharing from personal experience...
and i agree with you that reasoning is much better than threat.

[markfch]

Intermezzo:

i find that my kids can take my 'advice' more readily if i talk to them when sitting side by side comfortably like on a sofa. i also put an arm around their shoulder. somehow it feels less \"confrontational\" to them, compared with when you're both standing face to face. also, since you are much taller than your boy in P1, it might make him feel like being talked \"down\" to.. so talking to him at eye-level might also help..

no matter how, young kids do need ALOT of reminder when it comes to behavorial issues.
i also find that it's more effective to touch on one topic at a time, and to speak short and to the point. sometimes just one or two words is enough as a reminder.

Appreciate your sharing, Intermezzo. You gave me concrete steps to deal with this issue. Makes it so easy for me to follow. Yeah, I could put my arm around ds and give him a bear hug, he loves that. And if he's still disrepectful, the bear hug will turn into a death grip. Just joking.

Yesterday, the fiendish side of him showed when he commented within earshot that I'm going to spoil my eyesight as I was reading a novel lying down, followed by a haha. Today he must have slight regret (he knows that I'm mad at his behaviour by my demeanour) so just now took care to share with me that his work at the enrichment ctr was good enough to be pinned in the noticeboard.

Kids nowadays can be quite precocious, which poses a challenge to parenting.