Raising Resilient Children

[Busymom]

Need some advice about how to deal with verbal bullies.


Remember this girl, TM, that I mentioned in my earlier post. I get the impression that DD and her don't get along too well and are probably rivals academically (I have yet to find out who is stronger overall...), but the two unfortunately are sitting next to each other now and happen to be in the same grouping/team for a number of things in class.

Just today, the two met again in an external music class. They are usually not in the same class, but there was a group practice today. TM's sister (in the same primary school and at least 2-3 years older than the 2 girls) who was also there, apparently came to DD and said to her that she is the most stupid girl in the world. According to DD, TM did tell her a few days ago that her sister commented that DD is the most stupid girl in the world. DD doesn't know what was the incident that could have caused the sisters to make that sort of remark about her. But it is clear on hindsight that she had some concern about meeting TM today. Her first remark to me when I informed her about this last minute group practice today was whether TM would be there... :roll: I didn't realise the reason behind her concern, thinking that the two girls may have quarrelled in school, which must be quite often. Still, my impression is TM has an upper hand when it comes to verbal abuse. For one, DD is not sharp and fast in her rebuttal (based on my own observation and just like in the other day's example, she said she didn't have a chance to clarify herself when she was accused of making certain remark that was actually made by TM), and second, she seems to have weird reasons in her mind, or maybe fear, for saying certain things. She kept saying that she is afraid that by saying certain things, her friends would complain to the teacher. :stupid: So she can't seem to be able to use her brains to \"fight\" this bully off. And to think that she is the class monitor, surely, she should have the \"upper hand\" instead? :roll: Both my DH and myself were like :scratchhead: .

My initial response to her was to ignore what this person is saying to her. No doubt they are sitting together, she can choose to switch off her ears and show that she doesn't care. However, the elder sister's behaviour to DD today is a bit too much in my opinion and I find it hard not to interfere.

I could do one of the following:
1. Their external music teacher happens to be my relative (quite immediate) :evil: The teacher could easily tell the two girls not to be unreasonable or I have access to their mother (in fact, I have met their mother before and can recognise who she is). No doubt the girls will deny making that comment to my DD.

2. I will get to meet TM's mother in a couple of days at the upcoming meet-the-parents session in school. Should I have a word with her about her two DDs' behaviour/comment?

3. DD wants me to tell her form teacher about this, but I don't see any point in that. The form teacher may not be their teacher next year and there's only one more week left before the current school term ends.

4. Even if TM's mother is not at the meet-the-parents session, I will again see her in one week's time at a music concert. Again, I could speak to her about the incident.

5. Don't do anything but wait for next year to see if something like that happens again?? The thing is, it is not just TM who is doing it, but some of her close friends (who also happen to be in the same grouping due to their register number) are also treating DD with certain \"contempt\", if I draw my conclusion correctly. Ask DD why is it so, she simply said that they just want to see how \"chicken\" she is. Sometimes, DD would say that she dislikes certain classes because of those specific grouping that she is in (e.g. that arts class in my earlier post when she generally enjoys doing art and has been doing well in her NAFA arts class).

6. Tell DD to ignore TM and her friends to the best of her ability. She doesn't have to respond to whatever they say :gloomy:

7. Tell her to \"fight\" back verbally so that this group of girls would stop targeting her. Have given her concrete examples of how she could rebut when TM makes remarks such as she is stupid. Not sure how well she can deliver though... TM is apparently quite sharp-tongued. The silver lining - DD gets to practise her verbal rebuttal skill now since she wants to be a lawyer in future? :idea:

DH thinks TM is jealous of DD (DD is generally doing well and represented the class to go on stage before), and hence targeting her whenever she can. I am not sure if there is anything that DD may have unkowningly done or has habbits that irritates TM to the extent that TM has to call her stupid...

Any advice on which course of action I should take?

[Chenonceau]

Do you think this helps? http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2009/07/only-lovely-may-pass.html


There will be unpleasant people everywhere keen to pick a fight. Don't focus on them. The more unpleasant they are, the more irrelevant they should become in your life and your DD's. Why? Because the more you spend time thinking about such people, and spending energy dealing with them, the more you take time away from growing other friendships, learning other cool things, and helping others ...

I would teach my DD that such people are not worth the time of the day... whether to respond to or to deal with or to even think about. Hence, I would encourage her to avoid if possible, and if need to pick a fight, pick the right one. It's a hard lesson to learn but one worth learning because nothing great was ever achieved without the person achieving it in the face of detractors and haters.

Ironically, as your DD grows in stature in other areas of her life and helps others more, these bullies' influence will wane... also, as your DD avoids them, there will be less too fuel the bullies' fire... and soon the fire will burn smaller and be easier to put out. You won't be able to achieve anything if you spend your time fighting petty battles.

Of course, I know your problem isn't petty. It hurts and anything that hurts ISN'T petty. What I am saying is that you mentally MAKE it petty, and that might reduce the hurt.

My 2 cents... may not be right. It's just a perspective.

At the same time, I would look for other ways to help my DD maintain a state of emotional equilibrium - other CCAs, family outings. AND, I would privately grumble once in a while about this girl and how unacceptable the behavior so that it helps my DD let out steam, and learn that the behavior is unacceptable. But I won't do this too much because the strategy is really to treat these people as if they don't exist.

I would also ask my DD about it on a regular basis. Enough attention from me to dress and disinfect the emotional wound so that it does not fester. If it festers, my DD will end up thinking all day about it.

[Funz]

markfch:

I said previously that at P4, I decided that my parents were talking rubbish and I pretended to listen by merely nodding my head. I think my ds is doing the same thing to me now; only difference is that he doing it at P1.


Whenever I say something he doesn't like to hear, he'll go 'Yah yah yah' plus rolling of the eyeballs. Now, I'm aware that I can use physical threats like shouting or even slapping his butts to make him stop this irritating habit. I'm equally aware that physical threats are only effective for a limited period. So now I just tell him that he's being very rude. I'm not hopeful about the effectiveness of this method.

I could cut his computer game time such will surely hurt. But is there a way of appealing to his reasoning? Reasoning - more than threats, is what I'm hoping for.

DD did this eye-rolling thing with me when she was in P1 as well. It is one thing when a teenager does this to you but a 7yr old...hmm. Well to me it is a sign of disrespect and I had to nip it in the bud. Both her behaviour and what I did that triggered it.

I realised I was 'talking into the air', having a monologue instead of addressing her about the issue at hand. That gave her the opportunity to dismiss what I was saying as something inconsequential thus the eye rolling and the patronising yah yah yah.

The temptation to smack her at on the head to stop this behaviour is strong, oh yes, very strong. But yup, you're right, not gonna help. So sat her down immediately and told her I do not like that kind of response, it is rude and I expect better of her. I admitted that I should not have been talking over her and, well, essentially nagging, and we made a deal. She cannot roll her eyes at me or anyone for that matter and if she finds me nagging, she has to come up to me and tell me she gets what I am saying and to trust that she will act on what I was nagging about.

As with anything when it comes to kids and it involves nagging from a mother, this conversation had to be repeated a few times. Due to both, kid and mother falling into old patterns again and again. :razz:

[Funz]

Busymom:

Just today, the two met again in an external music class. They are usually not in the same class, but there was a group practice today. TM's sister (in the same primary school and at least 2-3 years older than the 2 girls) who was also there, apparently came to DD and said to her that she is the most stupid girl in the world. According to DD, TM did tell her a few days ago that her sister commented that DD is the most stupid girl in the world. DD doesn't know what was the incident that could have caused the sisters to make that sort of remark about her.

Oh boy! Deja vu. DD too had a similar encounter with her frenemy's older sister some time back. Out of the blue when the group of girls including L were playing, the older sis of L came up to DD and told her L will not be her friend as she is an awful person and a lousy friend and told DD to go away. When confronted like that by an older girl, DD was basically stunned. So she left the group and went to the library. Luckily for DD a few of the girls from that group joined her and that sort of cushioned the rejection.

[Strparent]

Busymom:

5. Don't do anything but wait for next year to see if something like that happens again??

6. Tell DD to ignore TM and her friends to the best of her ability. She doesn't have to respond to whatever they say

7. Tell her to \"fight\" back verbally so that this group of girls would stop targeting her. ?

Hi Busymom,

I am guessing that TM is quite a popular person in class, as some friends in the same circle seem to be mimicking her actions against yr DD. As you know, strength in numbers is very common. However, that is tantamount to be like bullying ( verbal ).

Anyway, I would choose option 6, to ignore them as much as possible. And that means forgo-ing the playing with them as well. She will lsoe a few so-called friends, but there are still others around. The best way to deal with bullying is to ignore them, yet showing them that you are unafraid and unaffected by their actions. As long as it does not come to physical bullying, why bother to fight back ? Then you become as bad as them.

My DD had similar incident way before, but now she has a nice clique of friends who invite each other to their homes occasionally, and they always hang out together during recess and playtime. :please:

insider:

rolling eyes on an adult is a strict no-no, and its implication is the same as someone who is swearing.

I seldom see boys roll eyes coz its a 'sissy' behaviour. Your boy mixes with many girls and picked it up from them or learned from our hopeless local drama?
Emm...none of my kids dares to roll eyes in front of me (if behind my back then I don't know lah). If they do (when below 12) , first will be a talk, second time will be a reminder, third time one stroke, fourth time three strokes, etc.

LOL, so true Insider.

DD only started rolling her eyes when she was 10, but now after kena err, 'reminders'... she doesn't do it much anymore. It didn't help when some people said she looks cute rolling the eyes :slapshead:

DS never roll eyes, only do the STARE or GLARE - that was also stopped. Even now at 13, he knows he cannot get away with the STARE that easily with me :imanangel:

And swearing is a definite NO WAY JOSE :nunchuk:

[Chenonceau]

Kekekekeke!! I made fun of my DD at the rolling eyes stage. I told her that her eye balls will fall and roll on the floor, and quite away. A few times, I bent down and picked up her eyeballs. I also rolled my eyes at her to irritate her.


Then we talked.

[markfch]

Funz:

DD did this eye-rolling thing with me when she was in P1 as well. It is one thing when a teenager does this to you but a 7yr old...hmm. Well to me it is a sign of disrespect and I had to nip it in the bud. Both her behaviour and what I did that triggered it.

You have this problem too? I think ds picked this bad habit up from the older kids in school. Between K2 and P1, for better or worse, he has lost a lot of innocence.

Funz:

The temptation to smack her at on the head to stop this behaviour is strong, oh yes, very strong.

Whoa you're fiercer than me. I was only tempted to slap the butt. Sometimes I think I've too much patience for ds.

Funz:

But yup, you're right, not gonna help. So sat her down immediately and told her I do not like that kind of response, it is rude and I expect better of her. I admitted that I should not have been talking over her and, well, essentially nagging, and we made a deal. She cannot roll her eyes at me or anyone for that matter and if she finds me nagging, she has to come up to me and tell me she gets what I am saying and to trust that she will act on what I was nagging about.

I also told ds it's rude to do that, especially to your parents. DS is reading this as I type. He says that it's not rude - this rolling eyes - to small children, it's just funny. I told him someone commented that this action is very sissy. If he does it again, that's what I'll call him

He said, \"No!\"

insider:

markfch, I seldom see boys roll eyes coz its a 'sissy' behaviour. Your boy mixes with many girls and picked it up from them or learned from our hopeless local drama?

Just let him read your post, insider. I think fear of being called sissy may have killed that habit of his. Thanks .... no need bear hug or death grip, haha.

[markfch]

Chenonceau:

Kekekekeke!! I made fun of my DD at the rolling eyes stage. I told her that her eye balls will fall and roll on the floor, and quite away. A few times, I bent down and picked up her eyeballs. I also rolled my eyes at her to irritate her.


Then we talked.

This is funny and very creative. Gets everyone in the right mood for discussion and compromise. Next time I will adapt your method to handle ds's other idiosyncrasies. They will appear, it's just a matter of time.

[markfch]

Busymom:

2. I will get to meet TM's mother in a couple of days at the upcoming meet-the-parents session in school. Should I have a word with her about her two DD

Any advice on which course of action I should take?

Just thinking out of the box here. What about buying TM a gift and praising her in front of her mum? If you praise high enough, you can be sure it'll reach TM's ears.

For one, it tells TM that you know her mum. Two, nothing motivates like a good comment. Three, a little 'bribery' can do wonders, keke. Four, it's less confrontational.

[Chenonceau]

markfch:

Just let him read your post, insider. I think fear of being called sissy may have killed that habit of his. Thanks .... no need bear hug or death grip, haha.

You clever Daddy!! :rotflmao: :rotflmao: