In-law problems?

[Sun_2010]

mummyJune:

Flowermonaster:

Mummyjune, sad to hear that. I think having own mum look down is worst than IL who pick on you.

i went back to my parent's place this morning to pick up some stuff. she was watchin tv & i told her my gal is sick. den she start saying \"sick again? if u dun wan to bring her here use a better excuse la, Better next time dun need to come here anymore, yr useless husband dun allow u to come iszit, so scared of yr useless husband for what, so stupid\" (Exact words she had said).

i was very angry, wanted to scold her back BUT whats the point, she only tinks she right, even she wrong she also deny. endup i juz kept quiet, took my things & went off.

as i went off, deep inside i was very upset :sad: , thinkin y do ive such a mother. haiz. sometimes i really dun wan to ve anything to do with her anymore.

It must be so hurting. :hugs:

A parent child love is unconditional. But that doesnt mean you have to accept all behaviour.
It is your duty to protect yourself.
You can try and do that respectfully while you can still take charge of your emotions.
If things go this way you may reach a point where hate and anger will be stronger than your love.
No one wins in that situation. Both will be wounded - you and your mother.

May be you can tell your mother seriously that you are very hurt when she talks like that. Or if your dad is more understanding tell him that.
Tell them that they may not think much of your husband but he is your husband and you love him. So it hurts to hear them humiliate him.

After that whenever, she talks rudely, give her a look then ignore her, just talk in monosylabales , look thru her if needed.
Hopefully she will get the message soon.

[mummyJune]

Sun_2010= thank u for yr advise. i really duno y she hates my hubby so much, she even say things like im so blind to marry him & im so dumb etc. last time when my hubby & i were plannin our wedding, she even say things like if i marry him she will disown me. Just bcos she dislike him she must ruin my happiness?


& also bcos my son can’t talk yet, she even critise say he is deaf & dumb. same goes for my father, he is a follower of his wife. i really cant relate to them at all. she even told my relatives my son cannot talk but when my son say things like apple, fish, my relatives will ask my mum y u say he cannot talk, he just said apple & fish. den my mum will say no la u hear wrongly, he cannot talk at all.

[Flowermonaster]

mummyJune:

Sun_2010= thank u for yr advise. i really duno y she hates my hubby so much, she even say things like im so blind to marry him & im so dumb etc. last time when my hubby & i were plannin our wedding, she even say things like if i marry him she will disown me. Just bcos she dislike him she must ruin my happiness?


& also bcos my son can't talk yet, she even critise say he is deaf & dumb. same goes for my father, he is a follower of his wife. i really cant relate to them at all. she even told my relatives my son cannot talk but when my son say things like apple, fish, my relatives will ask my mum y u say he cannot talk, he just said apple & fish. den my mum will say no la u hear wrongly, he cannot talk at all.

Did you ask her why she dislike your hubby? Find out the source & work from there. At the very least, you know why he was sentenced to death.
Before I marry my DH, my mum also showed her displeasure to me. She don't like Malaysian & will give him cold shoulder every time he come to our house. We used to quarrel & had cold war but each time my DH will ask me not to be disrespectful to my mum. My DH knew my mum dislike him but did not take it to heart. He still show her respect & slowly my mum grew to like him. When we were preparing our wedding, my DH & my MIL will try their best to give whatever my mum request. Luckily my mum did not purposely make things difficult, so everyone was happy.

[fifiyeo]

Flowermonaster:

Mummyjune, sad to hear that. I think having own mum look down is worst than IL who pick on you.

DH faces this problem from his parents which is why we are always picked on and outcast by them. I feel as parents, such doings will split the bond within the family. I can see its a mess and they just blame every thing on me...or us! Making up stories and accusations. Sad....

[mummyJune]

Flowermonaster= she dislike him cos she feels that he is not good enough for me & cos of 1incident my hubby was rude to her, she thinks that im scared of my hubby & everything listen to him which is so untrue. im soft-spoken, certain things i will keep to myself, im not like her who will everything talk out loud when unhappy. nowadays i avoid bringing my kids to her place otherwise unhappyness will happen. but my hubby always tel me dun quarrel with my mum, he also tells me to bring the kids over to her place no matter wat she is still the por por.

[just888]

mummyjune,

my hugs to u. Wondering does you mum treat u/ur family like this only or same things happen to ur siblings and their family too? Actually for me if I am in ur shoes, I would avoid going there alone to prevent getting hurt. Only goes there when there are more family members around.


U know my good fren’s mum actually got those doll with needles one to curse my fren. The family was so shock to find such stuffs in her bedroom cupboard. Somehow her mum hated her so much since young and now then her brothers get to know about it. Her bros now send her mum for counselling sessions.

[mummyJune]

just888:

mummyjune,

my hugs to u. Wondering does you mum treat u/ur family like this only or same things happen to ur siblings and their family too? Actually for me if I am in ur shoes, I would avoid going there alone to prevent getting hurt. Only goes there when there are more family members around.


U know my good fren's mum actually got those doll with needles one to curse my fren. The family was so shock to find such stuffs in her bedroom cupboard. Somehow her mum hated her so much since young and now then her brothers get to know about it. Her bros now send her mum for counselling sessions.

wa, tats scary, yr fren is lucky her bros found abt the stuffs.

my mum will only verbally abuse me when my bro is not around but when my bro comes back from overseas, usually he will spend few days at my parent's house b4 gg back to overseas to work. Like this week, he is back @ my mum place, so my mum in his presence will talk nicely to me, even pack food for me. so fake.

[just888]

mummyJune:

just888:

mummyjune,

my hugs to u. Wondering does you mum treat u/ur family like this only or same things happen to ur siblings and their family too? Actually for me if I am in ur shoes, I would avoid going there alone to prevent getting hurt. Only goes there when there are more family members around.


U know my good fren's mum actually got those doll with needles one to curse my fren. The family was so shock to find such stuffs in her bedroom cupboard. Somehow her mum hated her so much since young and now then her brothers get to know about it. Her bros now send her mum for counselling sessions.

wa, tats scary, yr fren is lucky her bros found abt the stuffs.

my mum will only verbally abuse me when my bro is not around but when my bro comes back from overseas, usually he will spend few days at my parent's house b4 gg back to overseas to work. Like this week, he is back @ my mum place, so my mum in his presence will talk nicely to me, even pack food for me. so fake.

Maybe she is trying to get ur attention since ur brother is oversea.
How often do u need to go back there?

If not u just go there for a meal then left...dun stay for too long to be hurt by her words. If she wants to see the grandchild, can you just drop the kids there for her to play with and then pick them up later after ur errand?

[Flowermonaster]

Yeah, sound to me that she is very unsecured but don’t know how to express her feeling in a positive manner.

[clioclio]

Maybe she is trying to get ur attention since ur brother is oversea.

How often do u need to go back there?

If not u just go there for a meal then left...dun stay for too long to be hurt by her words. If she wants to see the grandchild, can you just drop the kids there for her to play with and then pick them up later after ur errand?[/quote]

don't mind my 2cents worth---don't send your kids to grandma's plce on their own if the relationship with yr mum is strained. My MIL dislikes me because both she and I are stubborn in what we believe how my kids shd be raised. Its' quite bad now and last week when my hubby drop the kids at her plce, she bad mouthed me in front of my kids, told them 'your mummy is a mu lao hu (tigress) and huai dan (Bad egg!). I didn know about it until my 4 yr old suddenly blurted out the next day during meal time! I was shocked and angry. Don't want my kids to be pawns in this MIL-DIL relationship!

That said, the challenge is also for us mums to model what is good behavoiur to our children. FOr me, i want to scream and scold my mil back but i told my girl--NO, Grandma is wrong. It is wrong to call people names. You don't like to be called names right? So we don't call other people names. Secondly, on separate occassions, i will also tell my kids grandma/pa are old so we must look out for them/look after them. We don't want to be caught cursing at our ILs or parents and what would the kids think. I believe that when the kids r older, they will remember these words and they will understand the struggle that their parents had to endure with difficult parents/in laws.

Im not a saint, i also feel very upset with MIL, but i do not want to embroil my kids in such complicated relationships at such a tender age. They are stuck in a dilemma because at least for my case, I know my girl loves me and my MIL alot.