How to work with children with aggressive tendencies

[Kathong]

Hi there, can someone help me out…?


My son is 3 yrs 6 mths. Recently, he has been very aggressives at home, at grandparents place but ok in school. He will shout for things that he wants, cry aloud and throw trantrum. He even beat whoever that tries to calm him down from all this nonsense. The situation ended up with me angry, scolding and beat him at his hand or leg.

I know the logic that i should not beat him for beating others. But, i think this is the only way to stop him for doing so. My hubby mentioned abt canning him. But i dun think is a good idea. i think tit wil hurt him physically and emotionally.

Pls help…

[radiantmum]

Some tips - hope they work for you


1. He needs to know that he doesn’t get his way by being agressive.
2. Parents need to be total calm when he demonstrates such behaviour
3. If at home, tell him firmly that he can continue doing that (aggressive) and get nowhere or he calm down and you will pay full attention to him
4. For younger kids whom can’t reason with you yet, best is to distract them then when calm down, reinforce that the earlier behaviour is wrong

If he’s demonstrating a diffferent behaviour home and school, it’s probably a clear indication that he understands that he knows it’s wrong but he will still do it at home 'cos that is how he gets his way.

[schellen]

My DD used to act like a spoilt kid with her grandparents but not with us. My mother would complain to me and I think my PILs also implied that she was also like that with them. DH and I happily told them that we seldom had such problems since we were strict with her from the start. Gradually, our parents learned the "hard" way and stopped giving in to her tantrums. Eventually, my DD got the message and has behaved herself ever since. Of course, she has her "off" days but since they are not frequent, we remind her firmly that we do not accept such behaviour. She may sulk but she will eventually come to us to apologise and we’ll forgive her and put the matter behind us.

[david59]

Kathong:

Hi there, can someone help me out...?


My son is 3 yrs 6 mths. Recently, he has been very aggressives at home, at grandparents place but ok in school. He will shout for things that he wants, cry aloud and throw trantrum. He even beat whoever that tries to calm him down from all this nonsense. The situation ended up with me angry, scolding and beat him at his hand or leg.

I know the logic that i should not beat him for beating others. But, i think this is the only way to stop him for doing so. My hubby mentioned abt canning him. But i dun think is a good idea. i think tit wil hurt him physically and emotionally.

Pls help...

To begin with, it is very crucial that both father and mum must sing the same tune when disciplining a child. Otherwise, he might turn one against the other if you know what I mean.
A child behaves better in school because it is not his territory and there is the fear of shame when being punished.

Personally, my wife and I do not use our hands to punish as it should be use to show affection. A good slap on the hand is perhaps OK (jmho) when called for immediate response to an ugly situation.But never on the face.

We personally believe in the 'Cane' for up to the age of 10. But it is used sparingly, only for really bad things a child did. Many young parents do not agree, they see this as child abuse. I think the important thing is which method/s work best. We cane our elder daughter really hard once when she was in K2 despite much reasoning about her defiant behavior over an incident. From then onwards, she and her young sis always thought twice before thinking of doing something bad.
BUT OF COURSE, THE KID MUST KNOW YOU LOVE HER VERY DEARLY! Otherwise, we lose the authority to discipline them.

I recommend that you read a book by James Dobson entitled 'Dare to Discipline'. His premise is that you can break the will of the child but must never break his spirit. It means you can punish a child for stubornly defying authority but you must never shame him or put him down; esp in front of the public. I wish I could share more but it will be too long-winded.

[smurf]

totally agree wth u. but hor, easier said than done. sometimes, when u r mad, u would think of nothing except anger. :stupid:

[hquek]

Yup, I the book recommended by David59 by James Dobson very instructive.


For parents who may not know, he’s a Christian and his books veer towards Christianity. BTW, I borrowed those from library.

A fren uses a wooden spoon to beat her child’s hand when she’s naughty - just a tap on the hand will result in pain for the child (but no lasting damage). She doesn’t believe in using hands to beat, and apparently caning may cause hurt further than intended.

[schellen]

smurf:

totally agree wth u. but hor, easier said than done. sometimes, when u r mad, u would think of nothing except anger. :stupid:

That's when we need to manage our own anger as well. If we can set a good example for anger management, it will help our children to manage their anger and aggressiveness.

[Funz]

I am having the same problem. Only thing is the aggressive one is my nephew(3+yrs old) and the victim usually my DS.


Just to cite certain incidents,

DS was happily singing a new song he learned in school. Nephew who was walking beside him suddenly turned and punched DS in the chest. I asked him why he did that and his answer was I don’t like that song. My sis was there to scold him.

DS and nephew were happily playing and talking and suddenly I heard DS howling in pain. Upon checking, we realised that my nephew bit DS in his penis. This incident was really bad. BIL immediately dragged my nephew aside and gave him a really bad caning. DS, penis was swollen and slightly bruised for a few days.

As both my kids and my nephew attend the same childcare, and I will send and pick them up from the childcare, the contact with my nephew is very high. So the incidents of DS being attacked by my nephew is very high as well.

Both my Sis and I have been trying to correct his aggressive behaviour, we kept telling him it is preferable to talk about how he feels if he is unhappy rather then attack the person. According to my sis, it was only with DS and his own elder sis that he is like that. But recently, the teachers have been reporting that he is hitting out at his classmates as well.

And due to all these attacks, I see DS behaving in a rather aggressive manner with my nephew too. Instead of telling his cousin off if he is not happy with what is said or done, he chose to hit him instead. And he is also starting to display this tendency towards DD and my helper.

This aggressive tendency in my nephew did not just happen overnight. He was like that from the time he was able to engage in play and DS has been scratched, pinched, punched, pushed and slapped countless times. We have tried many methods, we tried distracting him when he gets worked up but he is one kid who will remember the incident and find a chance to still hit back at the person for whatever happened earlier. Canning, talking to, giving him methods to control his anger all did not work out too well.

DH thinks I should not let the 2 of them play together too often but I do not agree, I feel that their play needs more adult supervision but DS will have to learn to handle his cousin better. As for my nephew, I will of course discipline him if he misbehaves when my sis and bil are not around but if they are around, they are the ones who will have to correct his behaviour. Our challenge will be to make sure that DS does not adopt the same behaviour. And hope that as my nephew matures & with his parents guidance, he will learn to control himself better.

[JennyP]

smurf:

totally agree wth u. but hor, easier said than done. sometimes, when u r mad, u would think of nothing except anger. :stupid:

Yes, i agree too, i try to calm down too, but i cannot, too angry and keep thinking how come when i was small i never retort my parent, but now why so different, i keep quarrel with my son every day, sometime i really feel very tire and hate to fetch him :?:

Best regards
Jenny

[daisyt]

JennyP:

Yes, i agree too, i try to calm down too, but i cannot, too angry and keep thinking how come when i was small i never retort my parent, but now why so different, i keep quarrel with my son every day, sometime i really feel very tire and hate to fetch him :?:

Best regards
Jenny

Jenny, because he finds quarrelling with you is fun. Debate and reasoning are good but if you are trying to discipline him, then you should not quarrel with him.