Husband drinks & stays out late - Does yours?

[znzyzyzx]

Funz:

Keeping a marriage intact is not always the best thing for the kids.

I agree. I thanked my mum for leaving my abusive and irresponsible father. Cannot imagine how we will turn out if we had stayed on.

[Fireflyserene]

Thanks all for your concern. I dont know why I still hangon. Maybe H always transfer blame. H always said initially that there is no issues even when H no return. H even said it is normal to drink till wee hours n most his Frds (whom H never get me involved) are like that n their wife no issues! So I was stupid enough to think that I may hv to understand n take it as normal. Till I decided to post here to know if others may think his behaviour is normal or acceptable… I was kind of oppressed wondering if I hv not understand enough. But as many incidents prove H behaviour not logical.

I felt that marriage is solemn n shld not give up without reason. So I quietly bearing the sadness thinking if there is no third party, things may work out if I try harden. But H Wierd n indiff behaviors suggest otherwise. H accused that don’t think so without prove. But H keep his whereabouts secretly n v cautious. Afraid to let known his whereabouts. Lied abt where h go.
H like to use diff tactics on diff situation. H made me feel that h has no EMA but transfer blame that ‘u r imagining’. I was v disturbed by Wat h say n so posted to see if my concern r valid as wife. True enough I’m stupid to b mentally manipulated by H (transfer blame, confuse me by treating me harshly then next take it as if nothing happen so long I don’t try to communicate about our marriage issue n leaving h to drink n no return). Is h really drinking or on the prextent for his no return! H did say that even if h don’t drink, also will hv problem!
Some says H is manipulating my thought!
I feel I can’t breathe, being oppressed, fear. (don’t know why when h is unreasonable or raising his voice just to cut off conversation, I m afraid to "fight back" but swollen the pain not wanting to pick up quarrel)!
After incident, I feel horrid as it is degrading n depressing. Cycle goes round n round.
I don’t want this feeling of oppression but don’t know how to get out of "fear".

[Chenonceau]

Stop fighting. Put up your emotional walls. Stop caring. Find a job and look after yourself FIRST.

[Funz]

Fireflyserene,


First of all your husband is #%&&^*%. And second :hugs: to you.

Are you working? Are you financially independant of your H? Is your H supporting the household? Do you have easy access to your monies. Start documenting all expenses relating to the household and the kids. Is there anyway for you to start transferring money into your own personal account? Wherever possible, use his money instead of your own to pay for stuff. Be practical and start doing all these even if you are still trying to work things out. Again, I am responding to what you have written so far. And base on that, I feel you should start planning for when he really walks out.

I have seen a young friend through a horrible marriage. Married a guy whom her Dad did not approve of. Her Dad cut off all ties with her and she stupidly stood by her H. Her ex was the worst kind of an excuse for a man. Took money from her, cheated on her, abuse her verbally and then physically. And to make matters worse, her PILs were the same kind. That family basically drove her into depression and she was admitted to IMH. She stayed there for close to 1 mth. And thereafter, she was on anti-depressants and had to go for weekly counselling. Each time she pulled herself up, somehow she will get sucked back into all that again. I listened and supported and scolded her and at the end even told her I wash my hands off her situation. If she does not want to fight for a better life, I cannot help her. She kept thinking that she will not be able to manage it on her own and thinking of not wanting her son to grow up in a broken home. Told her that her home is already broken. And she will be richer in every sense of the word if she ditched her husband. The last straw came when she found out that her stupid H was seeing some Thai girl. She found the courage, borne most probably out of anger and vengeance, to end the marriage. Since then, life has been good to her. Her H on the other hand is still like that. No stable income, getting into trouble here and there and still trying to intimidate her. But he has no control over her anymore. Sickening man actually tried to woe her back recently. She told him to F off.

[dolphinsiah]

Fireflyserene:

Thanks all for your concern. I dont know why I still hangon. Maybe H always transfer blame. H always said initially that there is no issues even when H no return. H even said it is normal to drink till wee hours n most his Frds (whom H never get me involved) are like that n their wife no issues! So I was stupid enough to think that I may hv to understand n take it as normal. Till I decided to post here to know if others may think his behaviour is normal or acceptable... I was kind of oppressed wondering if I hv not understand enough. But as many incidents prove H behaviour not logical.

I felt that marriage is solemn n shld not give up without reason. So I quietly bearing the sadness thinking if there is no third party, things may work out if I try harden. But H Wierd n indiff behaviors suggest otherwise. H accused that don't think so without prove. But H keep his whereabouts secretly n v cautious. Afraid to let known his whereabouts. Lied abt where h go.
H like to use diff tactics on diff situation. H made me feel that h has no EMA but transfer blame that 'u r imagining'. I was v disturbed by Wat h say n so posted to see if my concern r valid as wife. True enough I'm stupid to b mentally manipulated by H (transfer blame, confuse me by treating me harshly then next take it as if nothing happen so long I don't try to communicate about our marriage issue n leaving h to drink n no return). Is h really drinking or on the prextent for his no return! H did say that even if h don't drink, also will hv problem!
Some says H is manipulating my thought!
I feel I can't breathe, being oppressed, fear. (don't know why when h is unreasonable or raising his voice just to cut off conversation, I m afraid to \"fight back\" but swollen the pain not wanting to pick up quarrel)!
After incident, I feel horrid as it is degrading n depressing. Cycle goes round n round.
I don't want this feeling of oppression but don't know how to get out of \"fear\".

So sad to hear what you are going through....
I guess it is your kids who are keeping you strong....
If you cannot walk out of this cycle.....because of your kids....
Tell yourself in a day there is only 24 hours...

6 hours to sleep
8 hours to work
2 hours to travel
3 hours to handle housework...
3 hours to surf net/watch TV
2 hours to bond with your kids....

Why waste time thinking how to change a person who does not appreciate you....

Use your time to pamper yourself/your kids....they are your future...

This is how I keep my mind from thinking unhappy moments....

[hokkiengirl]

Dear fireflyserene,


My friend recently found out that her father has been having a mistress for the past twenty years. During this time, her mum did all she could to keep the family together and was very frugal when the dad wasn’t doing very well. The family later found out that despite his business not being so good (my friend worked part-time to see herself through Uni), he could afford to pay rent for an apartment for his mistress. Friend’s mum was devastated when she found out that her husband had been having a long-term affair. She’s now nearly sixty and has been a housewife for the past thirty-plus years. In a way, there is nothing much she can do about it now. They’re getting a divorce as the dad’s mistress is going to have a baby. (mentally hurling vulgarities…)

You have a choice. You are still young. I am not saying that your hubby is having an affair, just that you can do better for yourself and your child. Like you, I think marriage is precious and should not be taken lightly. I also believe that if one party is being consistently hurtful and doesn’t want to change, it is time for action to be taken to preserve the sanity and well-being of the other person. Like the other ladies, I agree that the key thing now is to make sure you have money to pay for household expenditure for quite some time. It will be a relief of sorts to make some kind of decision, I think. Then you can move on. Take some time to think about it, k?

[Fireflyserene]

I’m loss of words… Thanks for all the well reminders. Really appreciate it. H keeps all his finanical documents locked and away, no access. As for money, cant expect H to contribute more (I’m also contributing financially to family). I’m working but lately facing health issue and may lost my job soon. H is v particular with money. Even when kid asked h for adhoc school expenses, H even asked kid to ask from mum! What sort of man (despite H financially well off). H could spend few hundreds a night in KTV but pinched on family. H is self employed doing well in biz but do not allow any access to me. H has many friends (divorcees as well). H makes me feel that H has no responsibility to wife:(


Sorry to pour…
btw, hope AppleCrisp is coping well and by sharing here, hope those facing same issue feel that you are not alone. May God bless all & get out of sorrow real soon.

I’m trying day by day to "not care" (though lately, H left early AM & did not return till next day afternoon and sleep the whole day upon return:(- no explanation & no regards for my feeling) - move on - god give me strength,pls.

[LOLMum]

do you keep evidence of all the bills you paid? be it giro, checks etc?


if yes, keep them safely.

secondly, you need to get a private investigator to trail him and collect evidence of his infidelity and bochap attitude towards his family.

if he ever hit you, please seek dr treatment and report immediately.

either you suffer in silence together with your kids or you divorce him and life could be better without him. so you need all the evidence you can gather to fight for better $$$ support from him after divorce.


please take care of yourself. pls check this out. hope it can help you.

http://www.aware.org.sg/

[cfan]

Fireflyserene:

Sorry to pour.....

.

No apologies needed.

You should see that there are others who cares enough eventhough we are strangers.

Like what dolphinsiah said, there's only so much time left.

I am also focusing only on my kids. I want them to only remember the good times and that Mummy really loves them very much.

:hugs:

[raytan30]

i am a husband and i drink also like once weekly… I used to be an asshole myself (more specifically like go out with other girls) until i kinda woke up and realised that family is very very important.

i run a business and i realised that if my wife is constantly worrying, we end up bickering and i can’t concentrate on work…

so you need some opinion aobut what your husband is up to, i can tell you unfortunately most men are the same… sorry to be so direct but most of us are a-holes…