Suicide - Do not involve the children
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Hi, phankao
Sorry if i sound intruding…
could it be you are experiencing some hormonal changes, mood swing etc … or you have been getting this "claustrophobic" feeling all along for the last many years of having your children around …
You have 4 children, I guess you n your DH must have great love for children…
(My apology again… if I am 詞不達義 … just expressing a little of my thought…) -
:hugs: Sun.
For those of you who have not been there, you use your brain to think and decide what is right. For this of us who have been there, we know that at the worst points, that part of our brain which govern thinking skills and logic is probably not functioning. I am not \"scolding\" anyone. I just hope to explain and help to bridge the understanding gap.
Talk to someone? At least for me, I never wanted to talk to anyone. I had a very bad delivery. So bad that I was in the operating theatre for more than 24hrs. So bad that my hubby had to make the decision which one to save - me or baby. So bad that I didn't even want to see my baby after waking up from the anesthesia.
Who would understand my pain? Who would understand how much I yearn to go out? Who would know how it was all eating me up all this while?
I was mostly left all alone with my infant because my hubby travelled a lot for work. Sometimes three weeks in a stretch. Come to think of it, he is just too much. :mad:
Mental agony kills without any weapon or signs. At my worst, I was screaming until I ended up with a injured voice cord. Sometimes I yanked my hair so hard that a whole bunch just fell off. Strangely, I never played with knifves or poisons. Gotta keep up with appearances la. What if someone sees the cuts on my wrists? What if someone save me in time after discovering I drank dettol?
It took me two years to realize I need to end this and it took another one year before I decided the way to end it. During this period, at those points when I really hit rock bottom, there was only my child with me. The little person who brought me so much pain (not that it was his fault) and yet, so much joy and pride. God has been very kind to me. Knowing how lousy I am as a mother, he gives me a wonderful son. Someone who doesnt judge me, doesn't despise me, loves me anyway.
It is me who brought him to this world. But it is him who keeps me in this world. Right or wrong, good or bad, I owe it to him to bring him up.
I believe I have moved on. Because I was never able to show/share this part of my life to anyone.
Today, I revisited the balcony parapet I sat on. I was just reminiscing that part of my life. Damn, I must be out of my mind back then! Wah piang eh, how I climb up I also dunno. I looked down... Haiyo, very high leh! I really :siao: Liao. -
mamago:
Yes, yes - I should have aborted all of them to save me the trouble all these years. Ok, I'm really going to :siam: ... I'm certainly distressing some of you!Hi, phankao
Sorry if i sound intruding....
could it be you are experiencing some hormonal changes, mood swing etc .... or you have been getting this \"claustrophobic\" feeling all along for the last many years of having your children around ....
You have 4 children, I guess you n your DH must have great love for children....
(My apology again... if I am 詞不達義 ... just expressing a little of my thought...) -
phankao:
忠言逆耳利于行
Yes, yes - I should have aborted all of them to save me the trouble all these years. Ok, I'm really going to :siam: ... I'm certainly distressing some of you!
良药苦口利于病 -
phankao:
Sorry, went off for some time. Now then c your post. She stood there & c me bath. I mean the smallest one. Other time, the other children or my DH with her so I can have a longer bath.Mychildren:
If u like music, put on some soothing music or your favourite songs while they're back. This is some sort of relaxation for me or go for a nice warm/cold bath or KSP here a while & back to them again. Kekeke
Maybe u already have a lot of ideas of what to do beside these.
Ya, or sneak into the kitchen for some yummy snacks.
How come you can have bath without the kids disturbing you? Even with a shower, my littlest one would bang at my door every few minutes to tell me things!
Frankly speaking its nice talking to u. Find u a very frank & direct person.
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Phanko, no need to siam. You are honest enough to say it as it is, I am sure many mothers feel the same way, or have gone through such phases, even if they don’t voice it out.
Parenting is not always rewarding. It is a bed of roses complete with thorns. The many sacrifices are beyond financial. I freely say that while I like the IDEA of having more children, I do not want to give up more years of my life raising young ones. Another mother said the same to me after her second child - she wants to start enjoying her life again. Another mother told me there are days when she just want to strangle her toddler - and this was a very much wanted child and the parents spend a lot of time doing things with him - so she has gone back to work. Yet another younger mother told me one day that she was looking at her screaming toddler and at that moment she thought "I really hate you!" And she has a helper and works part time out of the house and was a very adventurous happy active woman. Now she is tied to this screaming bundle that screams at her and her nerves can’t take it.
Sometimes it is not post natal, I think it can be hard for someone who needs a lot of peace and quiet to recharge, to face a very strong willed screaming child. Just like it can be very frustrating for a very sociable person to be faced with a very shy introverted child who refuses to say hi to anyone.
I think many new mothers need to know that motherhood will have its ups and downs and that is normal. It is not the government advertisements where you just have a sleeping baby to take home. Relatives, friends, and differences in mother- child personalities all play a part, not to mention hormones, health issues, and later marital issues. There are a lot of adjustments all round. Self care is also important. Tis means getting enough rest, simplifying routines and expectations if possible, maintaining certain hobbies that make you still you. -
Sun & Imami,
Thanks for sharing.
:thankyou: :snuggles: :hugs:
& to phankao too! -
Great sharing ammonite. Some things just seem so taboo for parents to say or feel but the truth is often like you say. And we've got to stop feeling guilty.
This talk is well worth a visit if one is planning parenthood. Even for parents it is something we can relate to...
http://www.ted.com/talks/rufus_griscom_alisa_volkman_let_s_talk_parenting_taboos.html -
Lilac66:
Thanks for the understanding lilac, and a profound quote too.
I try to keep this very good quote by Dolphinsiah in the \"inspiring quotes\" thead rooted in my mind...
\" Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, but learning to dance in the rain\".
Truly I envy those with unshakeable faith , in fact often fascinated by it. And while I realise the immense strength one gets from it, for someone like me lacks the wisdom to know when to let go....
Experience has taught me some lessons though :idea: -
Imami:
So true . That is why now I do not judge people, no one wants to scream and shout or die for the fun of it. It's desperation...:hugs: Sun.
And you are right about talking - welling meaning friends and family give youu solutions but one really wants is a some who is there for you without being judgemental ...
I have this lump in my throat as I read your experience and want to truly reach out with a :snuggles:
You are one strong lovely Lady :hi5:
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