Do you cane your daughters when they misbehave?

[autumnbronze]

jesuslovesme:

I am torn between the school of no corporal punishment and the \"spare the rod, spoil the child\" saying. I have two boys, 4.5 and 2.5yrs, with the eldest being the most defiant. But I feel heartbroken after each canning episode (usually a stroke or two).

Sometimes I wonder if having to resort to canning makes me a bad mom

Hi jesuslovesme,

Has your son always been defiant? Your son may be going through a rebellious phase. You may want to consider finding out if there are any underlying reasons. For instance, could be due to jealousy because you may be spending too much time with the younger one?

My son has been giving me a really hard time lately. He has a year old brother and although I do not neglect him at all, I suspect he still feels that I am not spending enough time with him. I have inferred from my talks with him that he wants to be with me even though I am say, putting the younger one to sleep. So bo bian, even though he makes some noise, I allow him to come in and sit on the bed and play with his toys while I put the younger one to sleep. I leave the door open too. Previously I would
close the door and would be in sometimes for an hour. After leaving the door open, I realized that after a while, he would just step out of the room and play, perhaps feeling more assured that mommy is just there within eye contact.

The other thing I have attempted to do is to stop is scolding him unnecessarily. I pick and choose my battles. Some I ignore if they are not too serious. But I speak to him about it a little later. I have also established a list of words to calm him down when he is in a bad behaviour eg \"calm down\", \"look at me\" etc ... in a quiet but firm tone. He also has a naughty corner which he is very very 'allergic' to. He hates, and I mean really hates standing there cuz he knows I mean business when I tell him to stand there, it could be like for 10 to 15 mins, depending on the severity of his naughtiness. And you know kids, a mere five minutes seems an hour to them.

Because he is my first born, I find that I can be hard on him. I also find that when I do smack him because he has committed a really bad act, he will reel back in shock and surprise cuz I have stopped using that as a measure of punishment for some time. He will actually look very hurt and come back to me and sayang me while crying concurrently cuz he knows that this time he is done for. I do not use the cane by the way.

What I am sharing is simply what I am going through or have experienced as a parent. It's always a learning journey. Always. And each child is different. And it can be a vast difference. I see such a stark contrast between my two boys. While my elder one hates it when I reprimand him, preferring me to sit down and explain matters to him, or he will show temper. The younger one will make funny faces, in his own way try to wink wink at me to get me to smile, when I reprimand him. So different strokes for different folks.

Okie, another thing, it's important to spend time together with the kiddos and also to have one to one time with them. When this happens, I either leave one of them with my DH or in-laws. This works for my elder one.

However, you must always remember to have (a) leverage. If you use the cane indiscreetly, then what form of punishment are you going to resort to if your kiddo does something really bad, that he has intense dislike or fear for?

I do not know if this will help. But the bottom line is that there must be a reason why your elder one is being defiant. And it's imperative that you find out, reflect and if need be, make some changes in your punishment strategy.


:hugs: to ya!!

[SBKS]

i do agree with autumnbronze.


1) we have to choose our battles…its not necessary to fight every battle, u will be mentally tired.
2) jealousy is often the case when there are siblings.
3) if there are siblings, focus on behaviour and attitude and manners teaching on the elder one. Why? cos the younger ones will take cue from the elder one. UNLESS 1 of your younger siblings is a born indian chief. even the elder one follows the younger one. In short, teach the indian chief among your kids and rest should go well.

[janice75]

any parent canes their daughter due to poor academic results?


i have a friend who does that. 1 forceful stroke on the butt for each subject that her daughter failed to get an A.

[studyhard]

I think cane can be used when there is extreme bad behaviour, like extreme rudeness, stealing, serious lying etc. Of course then again maybe should have started caning before it’s come to that.

[PhoBIA]

janice75:

any parent canes their daughter due to poor academic results?


i have a friend who does that. 1 forceful stroke on the butt for each subject that her daughter failed to get an A.

This is really BAD! I don't agree with this. What we need to teach our children is the effort they put in. Although marks is very important, we should avoid telling our children that. If we overdo it, they may not be able to face the situation if they don't score within their expectation.

[tutormum]

PhoBIA:

janice75:

any parent canes their daughter due to poor academic results?


i have a friend who does that. 1 forceful stroke on the butt for each subject that her daughter failed to get an A.

This is really BAD! I don't agree with this. What we need to teach our children is the effort they put in. Although marks is very important, we should avoid telling our children that. If we overdo it, they may not be able to face the situation if they don't score within their expectation.

NEVER hand out punishment for poor results or performance beyond your expectations. I have a parent who did that. When she told me her intentions to cane her DD1 I explained to her that she was giving her DD the message that she loved her results more than her. Any efforts made before exams should be encouraged while punishment should be meted out for lack of efforts. Fortunately this parent took my advice cos her children were beginning to hate school due to her 'punishment'. Now, she is much relaxed and her DS has been winning medals for Maths, a subject that he feared most.

It's also not fair to expect straight As all the time. How many of us can achieve that ourselves? Their results should be viewed against various lights like the performance of the whole cohort etc. The purpose of exams is to gauge the students' understanding of what is taught. Using her results to find out her understanding and weaknesses in the subject is better than caning.

[Imami]

tutormum:

NEVER hand out punishment for poor results or performance beyond your expectations. I have a parent who did that. When she told me her intentions to cane her DD1 I explained to her that she was giving her DD the message that she loved her results more than her. Any efforts made before exams should be encouraged while punishment should be meted out for lack of efforts. Fortunately this parent took my advice cos her children were beginning to hate school due to her 'punishment'. Now, she is much relaxed and her DS has been winning medals for Maths, a subject that he feared most.


It's also not fair to expect straight As all the time. How many of us can achieve that ourselves? Their results should be viewed against various lights like the performance of the whole cohort etc. The purpose of exams is to gauge the students' understanding of what is taught. Using her results to find out her understanding and weaknesses in the subject is better than caning.

Absolutely, well said tutormum. Sometimes, I wonder if some of us (parents) are expecting too much in the children? In any case, while I do spank my child and feel that an occasional spank does wonder, I do not think caning is effective to drive good results in the long run.

[jesuslovesme]

Hello Autumnbronze, I remember you fondly


Yes the elder boy can be pretty defiant. He is a master negotiator and the teachers at his centre needs to adopt a different approach to get him to perform his tasks (to his wilingness and cooperation).

He is vocal and expressive yet does not wish to share much of what he did in his day. When he did something wrong like hurting his little brother, hurling a toy at him etc, he knows he is at fault and apologise profusely to avoid being caned. Yet there seem to be this "disconnect" between his action and his thought. He knows he cannot hurt but at the instance, cannot control himself or would have forgotten about the golden rules.

He seems so independent when we are out that I worry that one day I would lose him in the crowd. He dashes off and we lose sight of him quickly. With him, I feel like I have to be more a facilitator than a traditional mom. Perhaps it is just me, I am a generation-transition mom, sandwiched between the teaching back in our days and progressing to be fair and open-minded. I am not ready for the kind of independence my son needs and my energy is spent.

In a society like this, it becomes more difficult. Parenting is so tough here =(
I am relieved there is somewhere I can let off some steam… I know in here I am not the only one.

[SBKS]

jesuslovesme:

Hello Autumnbronze, I remember you fondly


Yes the elder boy can be pretty defiant. He is a master negotiator and the teachers at his centre needs to adopt a different approach to get him to perform his tasks (to his wilingness and cooperation).

He is vocal and expressive yet does not wish to share much of what he did in his day. When he did something wrong like hurting his little brother, hurling a toy at him etc, he knows he is at fault and apologise profusely to avoid being caned. Yet there seem to be this \"disconnect\" between his action and his thought. He knows he cannot hurt but at the instance, cannot control himself or would have forgotten about the golden rules.

He seems so independent when we are out that I worry that one day I would lose him in the crowd. He dashes off and we lose sight of him quickly. With him, I feel like I have to be more a facilitator than a traditional mom. Perhaps it is just me, I am a generation-transition mom, sandwiched between the teaching back in our days and progressing to be fair and open-minded. I am not ready for the kind of independence my son needs and my energy is spent.

In a society like this, it becomes more difficult. Parenting is so tough here =(
I am relieved there is somewhere I can let off some steam... I know in here I am not the only one.

well, i believed most of us are like that now.

[SBKS]

tutormum:

PhoBIA:

[quote=\"janice75\"]any parent canes their daughter due to poor academic results?


i have a friend who does that. 1 forceful stroke on the butt for each subject that her daughter failed to get an A.

This is really BAD! I don't agree with this. What we need to teach our children is the effort they put in. Although marks is very important, we should avoid telling our children that. If we overdo it, they may not be able to face the situation if they don't score within their expectation.

NEVER hand out punishment for poor results or performance beyond your expectations. I have a parent who did that. When she told me her intentions to cane her DD1 I explained to her that she was giving her DD the message that she loved her results more than her. Any efforts made before exams should be encouraged while punishment should be meted out for lack of efforts. Fortunately this parent took my advice cos her children were beginning to hate school due to her 'punishment'. Now, she is much relaxed and her DS has been winning medals for Maths, a subject that he feared most.

It's also not fair to expect straight As all the time. How many of us can achieve that ourselves? Their results should be viewed against various lights like the performance of the whole cohort etc. The purpose of exams is to gauge the students' understanding of what is taught. Using her results to find out her understanding and weaknesses in the subject is better than caning.[/quote]well said, punishment must be meted out with the right reason. not when you are moody, angry, upset.

no matter what punishment, cane, slapped, hit, remove priviledges, no rewards, no shopping or whatever, it must be administered with the right reason.