Another failed marriage.
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Hi!
Was your DH ok with this perception of yours from the beginning?
Has your DH ever pressured you into converting? What about the kids?
Why did the counsellor say "no hope"? Was there any attempt at a compromise?
I apologize if I sound inquisitive. In actual fact, I am trying to understand your situation. It’s unusual in the sense that there doesn’t seem to be any form of external interference involved to break up your marriage, you knew him for 9 years before tying the knot, and it didn’t look as if you were pressured into converting.
One of the posters is right. It’s not about you and you anymore. A stable and loving family unit is a core in a marriage with kids. -
EnL:
We had consulted a FSC counsellor a few years ago. Her comment after hearing our story was \"No hope\".
Like you said, this was years ago. Talk to someone else.
Better still, make done changes to your own life. Get out, seek employment, take time off ... anything. -
EnL:
When the kids are old enough to choose, I will respect their wishes.
That's wise. As parents we know we don't own our grown up kids. We nurture and release them when time comes.
What about your DH's wishes? The boy you loved for 9 years and the man you married for over a decade? -
autumnbronze:
His family was against the marriage when they knew that I was not going to convert. Hence after the wedding, Dh deemed it better that I did not visit his parents. With the passage of time, his mom would on and off bring up the issue of converting but I never saw the need to go and see them.Hi!
Was your DH ok with this perception of yours from the beginning?
Has your DH ever pressured you into converting? What about the kids?
Why did the counsellor say \"no hope\"? Was there any attempt at a compromise?
I apologize if I sound inquisitive. In actual fact, I am trying to understand your situation. It's unusual in the sense that there doesn't seem to be any form of external interference involved to break up your marriage, you knew him for 9 years before tying the knot, and it didn't look as if you were pressured into converting.
One of the posters is right. It's not about you and you anymore. A stable and loving family unit is a core in a marriage with kids. -
Kissgurami:
Thank u for your advice. He wanted a divorce, I am contented to stay status quo.
Like the rest, I would say , talk to your dh and his family. being it young or not or dating for 9 years before getting marry or not, I think it is a rather well known fact that converting will come into the picture. You aren't converted which I can see that they respected your wishes hence there must be areas where you feel threatened that your children will be?EnL:
Where do i start? What do I have to take into consideration? Will I be denied maintenance given I have significant amount of savings? Thanks in advance.
Your dh and his family seem to be paying a price which is rather sad.
To the rational part of answering your question,
Where do you start? Engage a lawyer if you can afford it. Be prepared to pay if you know that there will be fight for custody. My advice, call of the firms to do a consultation first. If you know it will drag, go for Legal Aid but it will take 1 - 1.5 years to sort the paper work.
What do I have to take into consideration? Keep every receipts and every expenditure if you wish to get maintenance for yourself and your kids. The court will have to see proof of expenditure. You don't have to declare your savings. The focus is on your monthly sustainable income.
Next, the grounds for divorce, I dont know... your reason might come across as \"not substantial\" and doesn't fall under any valid reason for divorce.
Bearing in mind we do live in a multi-racial country and dual consent to a marriage from your end.
You can refer to this link : http://app.subcourts.gov.sg/family/page.aspx?pageid=3745 for more details -
Mawar:
He is Muslim by birth so naturally wants the same for the kids.EnL:
When the kids are old enough to choose, I will respect their wishes.
That's wise. As parents we know we don't own our grown up kids. We nurture and release them when time comes.
What about your DH's wishes? The boy you loved for 9 years and the man you married for over a decade? -
EnL:
I see, if that is the case, just keep all your receipts and photocopies of his income statement. troublesome but it will help you if you are going for maintenance. Did you contribute for your current flat or your dh paid everything? Under any circumstances, if your parents are there for you,you have a place to go to.
Thank u for your advice. He wanted a divorce, I am contented to stay status quo.
Your DH and yourself will need to go for counselling and so will your 1st kid as he will be 10 years old.
In the end, he wants visit rights which he might get....
His visits will only be revoked if he is abusive, compulsive gambler etc. (just call a divorce firm to confirm) hence it is really quite sorry to see a marriage dissolve because of that...
Take that step get yourself and dh to a counsellor again to talk it out, is divorce really the way out? Compromise and maybe like you mentioned before, they can be muslims when of a certain age to understand? then it would be their choice? -
hi EnL,
i find that ur marriage is not on the rocks yet… there should be other solutions other than to divorce. note that kids are the ones who suffer the most in any separation between parents…
first u need to ask urself, what is the minimum that their side want u to do other than converting? is it just to see kids regularly? is it for u to convert? is it for kids to convert?
next u ask urself, r u able to accept or compromise with the minimum that they want? or to negotiate to an acceptable term between the both of u?
it is not like u no longer love ur dh or he hates u… its more of the things that u do or not do that makes him voice out the divorce…
it is natural that mother in law wants to see their grandchild, though u may hv ur own reasons, i find that forbiting them to meet is not exactly a right thing to do… -
ENL: Here’s my two cents… Every religion, any religion does not really matter. What matters is mutual respect and that both parties should accept the difference in each other’s beliefs (and or the lack of!). People of different religion can live together in close space so long as there is mutual respect. I give you an example: An aunt is a Christian, with a Buddhist husband. DH diligently sends her to church every Sunday. Whenever my uncle is away, my aunt will pick up the joss-sticks and offer prayers on his behalf. They have been married for 30 years with children from 16 to 20s.
As you have said, your husband was born a Muslim and you knew that when you married him. What is the difference now? Your children should first and foremost be given the basic rights of knowing your husband’s family; just like how they know your parents. I personally feel that as parents/spouse, we should not force our beliefs (or the lack of), to those around us. Your children will choose a religion as they seem fit or affinity with.
We may not share the same faith, but I am sure you would agree, faith is not a bad thing. Every religion teaches well, kindness, integrity. These are some of the values we want our children to have. I don’t think the issue here is about choice of religion (because this existed since you were dating)… may I ask, if you could share what really is the issue now? -
EnL:
Well, you've said it.
I refused to give in although a part of me know that I a being unreasonable. I can't even explain why I dislike his side of the family so much that I do not want any association with them. Maybe I just don't want my kids to become Muslims.
Ask yourself why you are being so dogmatic.
You'd let a marriage fail on a point of principle? And possibly a flawed one at that?
Not sure how much you really love your kids or husband, if I were to be brutally honest.
Let go of your pride and compromise this time, for the sake of your kids, and actually, for your own good. He separated from his family to be with you, time to give back a little. If you feel you have a philosophy of life that is superior to Islam, you should have no worries about 'losing' them to Islam, or any other religion for that matter.
And hey, did you not court and marry a Muslim boy? So what's the big deal if your kids convert?
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