In-law problems?
-
janet_lee88:
My MIL wouldn't dare say it to my face. I'd probably avoid meeting her for sometime till I cool down, then she'd risk not seeing her grandkids. Not that she makes much effort to see and get to know them.Mil hardly happy with daughter-in-law.
If DIL doesn't do housework, mil say she is lazy.
If DIL has maid, she say DIL good life...should have saved that money.
If grandchildren has tuition, she will ask why the mother can't teach own children.
Hardly anything daughter in law does is right.
When I stopped working, she assumed that we'd let go our maid and asked when is maid leaving. She doesn't know that with the maid, DH is the one with a good life. He does not need to help with housework. I'd rather have a part-time maid, more privacy, don't need to handle maid related issues ... but I won't serve DH and expect him to help out. Having a maid helps keep harmony so that we won't fight about chores. DH is free to do whatever he wants after work.
Kids have Chinese tuition cos DH ( the More Chinese one ) can't and won't tutor them. I ( Potato one ) can only help till pri 2 at most. MIL does not see it this way.
This CNY ran into relatives IL side, whom I hardly meet. It was obvious from questions and comments what MIL has been saying about me. The comments ranged from, you need to XXX more so the kids don't keep falling ill, you need to cook more often, you need to instruct your maid to cook every meal, etc. Yup, I'm a lousy and lazy DIL, who cant look after and feed my children. However, I'm darn proud that I rebutted all comments graciously with a big smile and more importantly, my kids looked well-fed healthy and were well-behaved.
Am kinda sad that MIL still doesn't understand though. For two months, MIL stayed with us due to a family emergency. She followed me on my routine once, sent kids to and fro schools separately, late lunch with kid, sent one kid to tuition, sent another kid to tuition, visited 2 supermarkets, etc. Came home and cooked dinner. She was so tired that she refused to accompany me after that. Instead, she preferred to stay home and drove my maid up the wall....but that's another story. -
BeContented:
:salute: :salute: :salute:Errrmmm.......I'm also a everything-I-do SAHM.
Taking care of own family was busy enough, when PILs shifted in.....it was real tough.
On top of my own family, I had to ferry them, run errands, go doc appt with them, prepare their daily medication etc. During bad times, I had to clean up the mess from FIL many times a day (shit, urine, saliva/phlegm, cigarette ash, food remains). Not to forget all the conflicts with them.....it's was really really xiong :sick:
Hence, after FIL passed away and with currently MIL is still able to clean up herself, suddenly my SAHM job feels a lot easier liao........so for now, I can't complain
Sometimes, when one has been through harder/worse times, we will realise our situation is not so bad after all. As long as it doesn't get worse. :love:
I'd go mad if PILs shifted in on long term basis. Short term and temporarily I can still handle. On permanent long term basis, my heart no big enough. -
KSmom8:
My lunch is at 230pm...with the kids. After washing up everything, it's like 315pm. If any son brings his maid to 'lend' his mother, I am sure she will clam up. When we used to have maids, hubby is the one with a good life...no need to give a damn about anything. Literally sit down and shake legs or surf Net etc etc. I have to face the maid.
When I stopped working, she assumed that we'd let go our maid and asked when is maid leaving. She doesn't know that with the maid, DH is the one with a good life. He does not need to help with housework. I'd rather have a part-time maid, more privacy, don't need to handle maid related issues ... but I won't serve DH and expect him to help out. Having a maid helps keep harmony so that we won't fight about chores. DH is free to do whatever he wants after work.janet_lee88:
If DIL has maid, she say DIL good life...should have saved that money.
If grandchildren has tuition, she will ask why the mother can't teach own children.
His mother of course hopes the money is saved from tuition to give her...so when hubby told her education system is tougher now...actually he can save his breath because his mother doesn't want to hear that. -
Moderator's note:
Posts specifically related to SAHM have been moved to http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?f=28&t=2845&start=2810.
Thank you. -
I am a FTWM and my MIL stays with us. My PIL have dementia. They used to stay in their hse with 1 maid looking after them, but she went home and the subsequent maids could not cope. So MIL came to stay and my maid looks after her.
Life with someone with dementia can be quite a challenge. PIL have stayed with us on and off these past 10 yr, but her dementia had worsened badly. One morning not long after she first came, I found her squatting in the corner of the hall pulling at the papers we had left in that corner. At first I was puzzled because she does not read, then my maid walk in, exclaimed, and pulled her up. Then I saw the turd on the floor :yikes:
My maid is very good with MIL. Now we have gotten MIL used to wearing adult diapers. Every morning, we sit her on the loo. She's really like a toddler. She \"talks\" to people in the TV. All her food is puréed, and sometimes someone has to feed her.
Early in my marriage, I had the usual ups and downs in my relationship with my MIL. But I'd chosen not keep the 'downs' in heart, and now can hardly remember unpleasant incidences. Which, actually, I regret doing when I quarrel with my dh, cos he always remembers unpleasant incidences with my parents. So I can't bring up counter arguments.
I am thankful the my maid has agreed to renew her contract and will be with us for a couple more years. The house is more untidy, corners are dirty, pots and pans are no longer shining since MIL came to stay ... but I am content with the way things are. -
Laura02:
:salute:I am a FTWM and my MIL stays with us. My PIL have dementia. They used to stay in their hse with 1 maid looking after them, but she went home and the subsequent maids could not cope. So MIL came to stay and my maid looks after her.
Life with someone with dementia can be quite a challenge. PIL have stayed with us on and off these past 10 yr, but her dementia had worsened badly. One morning not long after she first came, I found her squatting in the corner of the hall pulling at the papers we had left in that corner. At first I was puzzled because she does not read, then my maid walk in, exclaimed, and pulled her up. Then I saw the turd on the floor :yikes:
My maid is very good with MIL. Now we have gotten MIL used to wearing adult diapers. Every morning, we sit her on the loo. She's really like a toddler. She \"talks\" to people in the TV. All her food is puréed, and sometimes someone has to feed her.
Early in my marriage, I had the usual ups and downs in my relationship with my MIL. But I'd chosen not keep the 'downs' in heart, and now can hardly remember unpleasant incidences. Which, actually, I regret doing when I quarrel with my dh, cos he always remembers unpleasant incidences with my parents. So I can't bring up counter arguments.
I am thankful the my maid has agreed to renew her contract and will be with us for a couple more years. The house is more untidy, corners are dirty, pots and pans are no longer shining since MIL came to stay ... but I am content with the way things are.
You are one wise woman. And honestly epitomise a \"home maker\" ...
With such love and acceptance, your home will always be shining :rahrah: -
Home maker … Thanks for the approval.
Now if only I could bring such zen into my work life … -
Laura02:
Indeed, life with dementia people is very very challenging. For your MIL, do you know which stage she is in? Mild/Moderate/Severe?.I am a FTWM and my MIL stays with us. My PIL have dementia. They used to stay in their hse with 1 maid looking after them, but she went home and the subsequent maids could not cope. So MIL came to stay and my maid looks after her.
Life with someone with dementia can be quite a challenge. PIL have stayed with us on and off these past 10 yr, but her dementia had worsened badly. One morning not long after she first came, I found her squatting in the corner of the hall pulling at the papers we had left in that corner. At first I was puzzled because she does not read, then my maid walk in, exclaimed, and pulled her up. Then I saw the turd on the floor :yikes:
My maid is very good with MIL. Now we have gotten MIL used to wearing adult diapers. Every morning, we sit her on the loo. She's really like a toddler. She \"talks\" to people in the TV. All her food is puréed, and sometimes someone has to feed her.
Early in my marriage, I had the usual ups and downs in my relationship with my MIL. But I'd chosen not keep the 'downs' in heart, and now can hardly remember unpleasant incidences. Which, actually, I regret doing when I quarrel with my dh, cos he always remembers unpleasant incidences with my parents. So I can't bring up counter arguments.
I am thankful the my maid has agreed to renew her contract and will be with us for a couple more years. The house is more untidy, corners are dirty, pots and pans are no longer shining since MIL came to stay ... but I am content with the way things are.
I went through all 3 stages and each stage brought about a different set of challenges......and it got worse when the patient was uncooperative or even violent. While FIL wasn't violent to us nor would he yell at us, he would react to MIL badly. Sometimes, there were struggling and fights too :sick: Quite daunting. There are soooo many frustrations as FIL would pull his diaper off and go round house with dripping wet shorts or even lay on bed, too impatient to finish his biz in toilet & poo in shorts/bermudas barely 3 mins after he's out, smeared at toilet and even along corridoor (cos' on his hands), smoke & flip the half-cigarette out of windows, struggled with whoever cos' he wanted sweet stuff in fridge (diabetics), refused to spit his saliva/phlegm into containers and instead spit into hand and flick....all over. I think my house smelled like a hospital during that period (I was disinfecting with Dettol frequently). And as their body function deteriorate, feeding became difficult too.....it may come to a point when they will not be able to swallow by themselves and need drips.
Oh one more thing you might want to take note....
Maid may behave differently in our presence. At the later stage, we hired a maid to help. Initially she seemed very kind and took good care of FIL.....however when FIL stopped talking & became weak, she started treating him harshly behind our back. I noticed the change in how my FIL looked at her and spied. After that, I tried to be present during all the carrying/moving FIL, bring to toilet, feeding etc to minimise the harsh handling.
Having been through, I know how tough it can get. But it was really a 'learning' experience for my family. You take care. -
Early onset plus the very severe stage is totally unmanageable. Mil has very early onset and at her age of 60 plus she is very strong. Her functional abilities is almost all gone. She cannot shower herself, cannot dress herself, toileting is a big problem and she is incontinence. She cannot swallow her food properly, can forget how to walk in the middle of a busy street. The world is totally strange to her so she is understandable terribly scared and suspicious. So she barely sleeps. So she became overly active in the middle of the night. Bring every single thing she can find to her room(initially even kettles, pots and flower pots - now we make sure we locked everything up in cabinet before we sleep) and on stoves…practically anything and everything dangerous. But yet she is still very violent both verbally and physically. She would suddenly start yelling and cursing us in the middle of the night or walk and fall. Yes, it’s such a terrible disease. A friend got 2 maids to look after her mother who has FTD - the violent form of dementi my mil has. One maid looks after her and the other to help the maid. The maid looking after her mum was so patient, so caring but her mum kept saying she hit her. Of coz many dementia patients hallucinates and most of the time does not tell the truth. They are not lying…just that they did not know it’s their own imagination. But one day she suddenly decides to install a CCTV and to her horror, the maid hit her wheelchair bound mum several times a day and instead of taking care of her, would just chat on her phone and barely feeds her. My friend was so upset she did not trust her mum but on the other hand, her mum is so violent that even she herself cannot handle her. So in the end she warns the maid and I guess things slightly improve when the maid knew she would be monitored. This is not the only case of maid abuse in dementia patients. Even family members who understand the illness fully can get so frustrated over the situation not to say someone unrelated…not that I think the maid is right…she was very well paid and my friend even buys her jewelleries and expensive stuffs initially for taking care of her difficult mum. So I guess if we hire a maid, either she will abuse mil or murder her or the other way round given that my mil is still strong despite losing her daily functional abilities ( even walking - not thy she can’t walk…she just forget how to walk)
-
Mine here no better. Skimped and saved all the money given by kids to smoke…kids dared not ask how she uses the money bcos she will question in fury why they do so. The one who gives the most dares not ask, not to mention those who give lesser. There is nothing in the flat…like hand soap, fridge is bare. She is limping and FIL can go blank suddenly. But they refuse to eat proper meals…2 people sharing 1 box of economy rice. Any health problems if discovered will become a sticky issue.
Hello! It looks like you're interested in this conversation, but you don't have an account yet.
Getting fed up of having to scroll through the same posts each visit? When you register for an account, you'll always come back to exactly where you were before, and choose to be notified of new replies (either via email, or push notification). You'll also be able to save bookmarks and upvote posts to show your appreciation to other community members.
With your input, this post could be even better 💗
Register Login