桃花谈

[Imami]

Busymom:

Imami, the way I see it, (perhaps due to your mom) you have 善根 in you from young, so your son is probably your 福报 rather than 讨债的.


Sometimes when I look at my DD, I also feel that she is a blessing to me right now. And the blessing could be due to my filial piety towards my mom when I was expecting DD. Sometimes, it's just as simple as that.

Thanks Busymom.

My mum is another best thing that ever happened to me. Like Insider’s mum, she is 目不识丁but she has much more depth than many educated folks!

[Imami]

insider:

Imami


Thanks for taking the time and guts to write...

Your account is 'interesting' and I can see more 'good' than 'bad' from your past experiences.

Now I working. Will elaborate more when free.

Good job!!

Most welcome Insider. I am glad to have finally pass up something that I think can ‘see the world’. As I write, there was a part of me which wonder if I would be judged from now on. I do know, from experience, being able to consolidate and to share it, is part of the healing process.

[insider]

Imami:

Most welcome Insider. I am glad to have finally pass up something that I think can ‘see the world’. As I write, there was a part of me which wonder if I would be judged from now on. I do know, from experience, being able to consolidate and to share it, is part of the healing process.

Imami

Can share about what triggered you to decide not to be kind anymore about 10 years ago?

Can give an example of what you meant by you can 一手遮天？

Can also share something about your dad (you close to him? his character, etc) ?

Do you have other siblings?

Your son now is 5 years old? You plan to have another one??

[chloecube]

I think you might be referring to the 因果book

I spent sometime looking for it too, until I saw it in one of the temple when I went to pray for my FIL
Its free-printing donated by some one, took 1 home to read and explain to kids,at the same time to "refresh" my mind (yes, sometime u really need reminder to be good), some are too profound for my kids to understand. the book contain illustration, if they cant understand the words, then see picture.

The temple is called “万佛林” at bedok.

[Imami]

insider:

Imami

Can share about what triggered you to decide not to be kind anymore about 10 years ago?

A lot of different and little things. One day I just realised it didn’t pay to be nice anymore. There were people I knew who were plain nasty but nothing bad seemed to happen to them. Moving up the corporate ladder was not based on how much hard work you have put in. So long as you can smoke very well, know how to tango with the bosses, how well you can play the corporate game, and then you win liao. No matter how good I actually am/ how hard I work.

Who your father is, is actually quite important. How wealthy your family is, is actually quite important. I felt I was bypassed as potential hire simply becos i was not a local grad. I saw how my second brother struggled with life, being sidelined and having to work so much harder. If only we had enough money to also put him through uni education. Life was so unfair. Not everyone has a fair chance in life.

When the Lehman Brothers incident happened, I saw how people 家破人亡。One very close family member was made to leave the company simply because his boss didn’t like him and his attitude (this family member thought being late for 5min was no big deal and argued so to the boss. The boss hated his guts and forced him to leave). I saw how power could enable you to do what you want to do.

When my eldest brother and his wife were getting married, there were a lot of quarrels. Everything and anything also can quarrel. All I saw was how my mum was ‘bashed’ by my brother, his wife and her mother. When my niece and nephew (a pair of twins) were born, we were so happy. Becos my second brother and wife didn’t have any kids then, this twin was　过房 to them as god children (dunno if I use the correct term?). Unfortunately, we were hardly allowed access to them. As their only aunt, I had NEVER carried my niece and nephew BEFORE. Never.

See, how unreasonable/childish I was?

insider:

Can give an example of what you meant by you can 一手遮天？

I was very demanding and mean. The only right person in the world was me and me only. Bosses included. It helped that I had extremely good memory and worked fast. I was like a talking and walking company encyclopaedia. Because I was a pioneer in that company and had been there for a long time, i knew a lot of things. I was overly critical over work and along the way, created much disharmony in the office and made some enemies along the way. One of the colleagues who ‘suffered’ at my hand was a young girl. She was my assistant. Even though I had left that company, we kept in touch. To this day, this young girl still addressed me as “sista”, would call me out for tai tai catch up and would look for me when she needs advice on babies (she is now married with a kid). So as you can see, while I was a tyrant who went around trashing people, I was also very blessed to have someone like her, who didn’t bear any grudges. During our most recent lunch date, she thanked me for being so strict with her when she first joined the company and that she had learnt a lot from me. But of cos, she is the only one exception and I am extremely grateful that I have this one exception.

I had scolded a banquet manager, a waitress and a childcare centre teachers. I had screamed at a childcare centre principal too. I don’t even want to recall how many consultants/project members I have put down.

Funny the big bosses in USA (I worked for a US company) liked me. I was placed on a through-train management programme and headed/held key positions in many projects. I thrived on my bosses’ favoritism. I knew I should not be like that but I didn’t care. It was not important, because I was seeing result of my new belief (that being kind doesn’t pay). See where I am now? I am fierce and ruthless (I would drop consultants off the team without considering their rice bowl safe or not). But because I had the bosses pecking out of my hands, I thought I rule my world. I was tasked with overseeing the 26 offices in the whole Asia Pacific and Europe and had a dotted reporting line to big big bosses in California. A big and important portfolio for a young executive. Such responsibility fed my bad behavior.

insider:

Can also share something about your dad (you close to him? his character, etc) ?

I was quite close to my father. When I was a little girl, I would climb up to his lap every night to watch tv, until I was erm… too big to fit into his lap hahahah…

He would always give me $10/$20 to buy books. Given my family financial situation then, $10 is a lot. For the young me, he was very knowledgeable, could talk to me about the stars, how the planets orbit around the sun. He hardly smile (not a happy person, u can tell), but I could always put a smile on his face. He had always wanted a daughter. When my mother was pregnant with her first baby, my father thought of two names – one for a boy and the other for a girl. But this girl’s name was never used until many years later, when I was born.

My father didn’t have a good childhood/family upbringing. When he was still in his mum’s tummy, his father was killed during a fight which broke out due to racial disharmony (See people, maintaining racial harmony is very impt de). His mother blamed this unborn son for her husband death. If not for this accident, I believe my father would grow up differently. I think to a large extend, he is what he is because of his childhood. His mum re-married but the step-father died young. To make ends meet, his mum took up the job to clean the ship hulls. That is a very tough and demanding job which requires her to be away from home for close to a week each time. My father has two elder siblings and they sort of take care of him during the growing up years.

From the way I wrote, it is not difficult to tell that I am not close to my paternal grandparents. They had long passed away by the time I was born.

My father has a bad temper, has a small money bowl and big patch of 无明 (hahahah…. I think la). He has good mind, is good with numbers but poor people skills.

My father is not a good husband but to me, he is a good enough father. I grow up knowing/deciding I don’t want to marry a man like my father (oops).

insider:

Do you have other siblings?

Yes, I have 2 brothers. I am the youngest.

insider:

Your son now is 5 years old? You plan to have another one??

Yup, son just turn 5 in Feb. We have always wanted to have at least 2 kids. Unfortunately, the second one has never arrived (yet). The hope is getting dimmer and dimmer. Someone told me,”Give up hope la! When u give up, then will have liao!” It will be one of my greatest regrets in this life to leave with only one child.

[Imami]

chloecube:

I think you might be referring to the 因果book

I spent sometime looking for it too, until I saw it in one of the temple when I went to pray for my FIL
Its free-printing donated by some one, took 1 home to read and explain to kids,at the same time to \"refresh\" my mind (yes, sometime u really need reminder to be good), some are too profound for my kids to understand. the book contain illustration, if they cant understand the words, then see picture.

The temple is called “万佛林” at bedok.

thank you very much. I shall check out万佛林.

[ruohoo97]

Imami:

insider:

Imami


Thanks for taking the time and guts to write...

Your account is 'interesting' and I can see more 'good' than 'bad' from your past experiences.

Now I working. Will elaborate more when free.

Good job!!

Most welcome Insider. I am glad to have finally pass up something that I think can ‘see the world’. As I write, there was a part of me which wonder if I would be judged from now on. I do know, from experience, being able to consolidate and to share it, is part of the healing process.

I finished reading your homework with tears. You really stressed a lot. It is good to be able to share, right, let what inside your heart flow out...

[Imami]

ruohoo97:

I finished reading your homework with tears. You really stressed a lot. It is good to be able to share, right, let what inside your heart flow out...

:hugs: don't cry, no need to cry.

[Emelyn]

ammonite:

Emelyn:

:sad:


Last night, DS1 complained about how DS2 constantly disturbs and irritates him. While talking, he also started to say how stressed he is and that his teacher picks on him.

Then I said : If you have any problem, please come and talk to Daddy or Mummy.

He replied : No. I will talk to my friends.

so sad. :sad:

There appears to be a barrier wall between him and us (DH and I). Probably due to all these years of incompetent parenting on our part.

Insider, how can I break this wall ? I am starting to practise what I learnt in this thread. But I suppose it will take time....

:hugs: Children can be very forgiving and forgetful. In addition to this thread, books like the \"five love languages for children\" can be helpful too. If he clams up, don't probe. When he wants to talk, just listen, don't say \"come to us\" if it has been a sore point. After a while, he will realise that he CAN go to you.

Last night ds1 was telling me about his classmate, N. N's parents divorced last year and both sides remarried. Ds1 told me he and another girl will just keep quiet and listen when N talks about her parents and how much she hates them and wishes that she can cane them. (the three kids sit together) she recently moved out and now lives with other relatives and said they treat her much better than her real parents and step parents.

I was sort of surprised that ds1 and the other girl instinctively knew to listen quietly, and not to tell the other students in the class. N used to cry in class, and ds1 said last night that she gets more depressed every year. They have been in the same class since P1. Sometimes peers are better at listening without judging or commenting. It is something that I have to remind myself to do as well. Just listen, don't try to judge or fix every time even though the urge to point out the 'right' path can be so strong. Timing is important too.

Hi Ammonite,

Sorry for the late reply. Very busy this week.
Thanks for your advice. Yes, I should really need to shut my mouth and just listen. I am too quick to comment and too quick to judge. That's the biggest problem with me. I will keep your words in mind. Thanks !!

[Busymom]

Imami:

Busymom:

[quote=\"insider\"]


百善以孝为先. If one cannot fulfill this basic part of being a human, then even with a good Life Plate it will also turn bad and if with a bad Life Plate, it will turn ever worst. (I know there are parents who are unfit to be parents, such as those fathers raping their daughters. But I shall not go into that else I cannot finish writing this thread).

To be filial, does it mean that the child cannot disobey the parents in any way? What if the child genuinely thinks differently from the parents?

Busy mom, not trying to answer on behalf of insider here but I would like to share my thoughts on this.

I am quite a delinquent, always have been and I think always will be. I sometimes disagree with how my parents think and at times I really feel like telling them off. From 弟子规 I realize that if the children disagree with the parents, they shd tell the parents gently. Even if it means telling them many times. Even if the children themselves are very pek chek.

I think this is right. But hor, it is very difficult to do..... :faint:[/quote]Thanks, Imami.

There was a time when my mom was very against a decision that I had made. I talked to her every night, for many hours. At the end of each session, I thought that I had almost managed to talk her around. However, the next morning, she would go back to her old stubborn self and I would be back to square one again trying to persuade her. She was probably in a big patch of 无明. Or maybe I was...

She finally accepted my choice, after a long time. Initially out of her love for me, but eventually she realized that I wasn't wrong. However, my dad didn't forgive me for causing her such grievance, for a very long time. In his mind during that whole time, I probably was the most unfilial child in the entire universe. I dreaded going home every night, not sure when I may step on a land mine and get blown into pieces.