Failing relationship with Son
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Flowermonaster:
I have even related about my own loss of my mum at 12 and what i was told by my own father the exact hurting words, i told him before boy mummy knows what u are going through is not easy i been there done that and now u and meimei are mummy pillar of strength so i want to be yours too but i can only do that if u are willing to let mum my know what u are thinking.
Not sure if my suggestion will help... Could be your boy thinks that you have found an anchor but to him, he is still nursing his pain & lost. How about you share with him your feeling about the breakup to let him know he is not alone, you have been there & you are able to carry on to live your life because of him, his sister & your current hubby? I feel that your boy is mature for his age & he might be more sensitive than most kids of his age. Talk to him like you would to a teenager & don't treat him like small baby.
i told him at least u have me to hold on to i had no one and if u feel i am not the one u want to speak to i will get someone else to talk to you
he also dont want. -
hi mummy on a budget,
I feel really sad hearing your story. I’m sorry but I have no experience with counselling, neither can I give you any good suggestions. Gather that your boy is hurting and therefore behaving this way. Perhaps at this time, you can only offer him love and encouragement.
I attended talk before by this Taiwanese teacher (李崇建), a lot of it I won’t know how to apply. but one thing he keep saying stayed close in my mind. Parents usually hit/scream at a child, but oftentimes it doesn’t work, so he asks why they continue to do it when it’s not working (made me stop and think). He encourages parents not to ask questions directly like "why did you", but rather adopt a curious stance and ask the child instead "我很好奇…".
He’s actually in town this week and I’m attending some talks by him. The talks are not expensive, pm me if you like details. Perhaps you may have a chance to talk to him/ask him some questions on how to handle. -
mummy OnABudget:
Am I right to say that you have a Boyfriend now? Umm.. Could this be the reason why your DS has been behaving this way towards you??
Difference now is i got a man behind me who is my silent listener who let me rants all i want and when i done all he say is baby u can do it jia you and that is what that has been keeping me going.
You may hate your ex-hubby, but that does not mean your DS will follow you and hate his Papa.. On the contrary, your DS may still love his Papa very much.. You know, such Papa-Son bond is stronger than you could imagine..
I may be wrong.. Just a point for you to ponder..
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firefly38:
I suspect too that his bonding with his father is strong.but the father doesn't seemsthat he has that now.If he love the boy he cannot reject to answer or reject to help.May be his current family deny him to do that.From her sharings, she divorced 2005 and remarried 2009.when they divorced this boy 5yrs old.
Am I right to say that you have a Boyfriend now? Umm.. Could this be the reason why your DS has been behaving this way towards you?? You may hate your ex-hubby, but that does not mean your DS will follow you and hate his Papa.. On the contrary, your DS may still love his Papa very much.. You know, such Papa-Son bond is stronger than you could imagine..mummy OnABudget:
Difference now is i got a man behind me who is my silent listener who let me rants all i want and when i done all he say is baby u can do it jia you and that is what that has been keeping me going.
I may be wrong.. Just a point for you to ponder.. -
like i stated earlier i have remarried 4yrs after my hyubby left the family in shambles i move on.
I have never said anything bad about his father to him i still try to call that idiot to ask him to pls talk to his son all i get from him is not my business erzhi is urs u go handle this is what a wonderful father is he.
i even stop my family members from saying anything negative about my ex infront of the children, he was never there when my boy was growing up and yet i dont know why ds is holding on to him. -
mummy OnABudget:
he was never there when my boy was growing up and yet i dont know why ds is holding on to him.
Hope the IMH assessment will give you an answer soon. -
mummy OnABudget:
it's great that you didn't bad mouth the father. And no matter what, I think all pp will want to cling on to their roots. If your son had seen his father's FB profile and see how happy he is with his current family, I'm sure he will yearn for that his bio dad to love him just as much. The rejection could be very hard to bear.like i stated earlier i have remarried 4yrs after my hyubby left the family in shambles i move on.
I have never said anything bad about his father to him i still try to call that idiot to ask him to pls talk to his son all i get from him is not my business erzhi is urs u go handle this is what a wonderful father is he.
i even stop my family members from saying anything negative about my ex infront of the children, he was never there when my boy was growing up and yet i dont know why ds is holding on to him.
It's good that your current hubby takes good care of your kids, but it's just not the same. I think your son will have to work out his feelings and grow from this rejection.
Sorry to say, but I agree, the bio dad is an idiot and a jerk - BIGTIME.
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hquek:
it's great that you didn't bad mouth the father. And no matter what, I think all pp will want to cling on to their roots. If your son had seen his father's FB profile and see how happy he is with his current family, I'm sure he will yearn for that his bio dad to love him just as much. The rejection could be very hard to bear.
It's good that your current hubby takes good care of your kids, but it's just not the same. I think your son will have to work out his feelings and grow from this rejection.
Sorry to say, but I agree, the bio dad is an idiot and a jerk - BIGTIME.
yeah its nt the same i know he has to learn to let go but he is only 12 its nt easy.
i am tnakful that dd is nto affected at all if not it isd going to be much harder.
but i guess whatever it is to his family i am now the biggest jerk cause i have stop the cny vist rather then being made to feel unwelcome i rather not go at all.
And guess what that jerk n idiot plus his family is all hopeless like for cny last yr they gave boy $20 for ang pow gave dd $8 see the diffrence i dont know what they are trying to do. -
hee, the talk I was mentioning tonight is on problems faced by kids when growing up. See if got chance, I will try to broach the question with the speaker (but don't hold your breath, I quite shy one).
Perhaps it may be good to sever ties if they are not particularly keen on seeing your kids. it could be double trauma if the father's other family is there and your kids witness a difference in the way they are being treated. For the angbao, just take it they give wrong packet...no point pondering on it.
With your kids, or rather with your son, I would focus on just chatting with him - not interrogating. Build up a picture of what he want his future to be and help him work towards it. no point screaming at him or scolding him. He may be indulging in his youthful folly at this time - if we take it too seriously, it could injure his pride. Show that you love him (not by pandering to him but rather show attention to him and caring for him).
btw, I don't know the full story, just piecing bits and pieces based on what I read/learnt from books etc. Sorry if I misfired. -
mummy OnABudget:
How your DS feels about you not bringing them to visit his paternity relatives during CNY? Was he looking forward to it every year? Could it be affecting him when you didn't bring him this year? Sometimes we still need to bring the kids for CNY visit even though you dont feel welcome by them. Your DS might think you are depriving him or worst trying to break his ties with his father's side.
but i guess whatever it is to his family i am now the biggest jerk cause i have stop the cny vist rather then being made to feel unwelcome i rather not go at all.
And guess what that jerk n idiot plus his family is all hopeless like for cny last yr they gave boy $20 for ang pow gave dd $8 see the diffrence i dont know what they are trying to do.
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