In-law problems?

[buds]

minnie2004:

Luckily we brought our maid. BIL's house turned out to be way cleaner than before our stay .

:rotflmao:

[buds]

CatTy 007:

But i feel it's essential to still stay nearby cos good to inculcate strong family bonds to our children.

One doesn't need to stay nearby to inculcate strong family bonds.
It is the effort that shows, regardless staying near or far... unless
of course if one is engaging or needs help from ILs to care for the
children and such.

If one stays far away, and in Singapore's dot.. (i mean how far away
is far away right?) :roll: ..... the effort and initiatives taken to keep in
touch will be even more evident as children observe their parents
taking the trouble to travel to make those visitations.

Regardless of how my ILs treat me..... (just me... :(), i never shortchange
the importance of kinship and family bonds between us. Whatever issues
they may have are with me & not the children. That too is regardless of
the unjust manner hubs has dealt with me being victimised by them as
well. The children though now can understand the stuff i went through
with ILs cos they see; so they feel for me.. i constantly remind them that
the ILs are still our elders no matter what... and they treat my girls well,
so whatever battles i need to face & endure is entirely mine... not theirs.
Live & let live...

Not that i am wishing bad for anything or anyone, but i do believe in what
goes around comes around. My conscience is crystal clear with or without
a husband to stand up for me and stand up for what is right or for what is
important to us...

For what it is worth, everything i've done for my ILs were out of love and
respect...

For 10yrs long of unrequited love, added on with hostility and endless
troubles to my marriage and my life on the whole... i am hanging on a
thin line between hate and disappointment. I have yet to use the \"hate\"
word on anyone thus far, but i guess there is a saying that there is a 1st
time to everything. My ILs are treading on a very thin line... i am afraid i
do not have that much patience left to go around. I'm all sucked out. I'm
exhausted with all the mind games... the family politics... i'm tired of
trying to please everyone and it has always been at my expense... but
hey, whose counting right?

When hate sinks in, i'm afraid it is gonna be one helluva Jekyll that is gonna
come out... and i sure hate for that to happen. So Mr Hyde better hide.
The softie banana has turned goreng pisang panas over 10 yrs... hawt
awrite... and soooo preggie too... the hormones might just do all the
bitchin...

Goreng Pisang Panas refers to HOT BANANA FRITTERS.
And this one banana is hot from the wok.

CAUTION... beware of scalding.

[qizai]

buds:

Regardless of how my ILs treat me..... (just me... :(), i never shortchange
the importance of kinship and family bonds between us. Whatever issues
they may have are with me & not the children. That too is regardless of
the unjust manner hubs has dealt with me being victimised by them as
well. The children though now can understand the stuff i went through
with ILs cos they see; so they feel for me.. i constantly remind them that
the ILs are still our elders no matter what... and they treat my girls well,
so whatever battles i need to face & endure is entirely mine... not theirs.
Live & let live...

Not that i am wishing bad for anything or anyone, but i do believe in what
goes around comes around. My conscience is crystal clear with or without
a husband to stand up for me and stand up for what is right or for what is
important to us...

For what it is worth, everything i've done for my ILs were out of love and
respect...

For 10yrs long of unrequited love, added on with hostility and endless
troubles to my marriage and my life on the whole... i am hanging on a
thin line between hate and disappointment. I have yet to use the \"hate\"
word on anyone thus far, but i guess there is a saying that there is a 1st
time to everything. My ILs are treading on a very thin line... i am afraid i
do not have that much patience left to go around. I'm all sucked out. I'm
exhausted with all the mind games... the family politics... i'm tired of
trying to please everyone and it has always been at my expense... but
hey, whose counting right?

CAUTION... beware of scalding.

I fully empathize with your situation.

I feel that in the name of family harmony, sometimes one has to give in..

But there are limits to everything.
The limit is your own sanity.

It wouldn't help if one keeps on backing off, and the antagonizers only view this as weakness and an excuse to do it even more.

You probably need to assert yourself.


My own story:
My MIL views her first two children purely as shares in a financial market. The youngest is exempted. After raising the children, she wants a lot of money from them back.

She has been putting a lot of psychological pressure on her eldest daughter (my wife) just because my wife responds to her strong maternal instincts to be a stay-home mum when my son was born several years ago.

In short, all hell broke loose since 2003. There are plenty of lies, deceit, back-stabbing, confrontations, \"guilt-invocation\" sessions on to the extent that she turned her daughters against one another just to make my wife look bad.

All visits to their home on weekends are made to be guilt-invocation sessions, with words like \"Your dad worked so hard last time, it's all to give you a good education\" etc...

It's hard on our sanity, to state the least.

We gave $600 to them monthly even though it's financially hard on us in a single-income family.

We don't need gratitude, all we need is peace. But all we get is this shit.

My wife used to be guilt-stricken and torn between being a good mother and being a good daughter to the point of depression (She bore it all, and I bore it for her sake, even though I was a volcano wanting to erupt for years).

You might be forgiven for thinking that they may be poor and really need the money. But then one fine day, my in-laws and their youngest daughter went on tours to China, not once but twice. They even made one trip secret to keep up with the lie to their relatives that they are poor, and we are mean to give only $600.

One fine day, my volcano erupted. I had a big fight with my FIL (who's actually a very nice guy, but just a pawn in the whole political game). My MIL played the 借刀杀人 game and used my FIL as a confrontational weapon, so I didn't even have a chance to go near her. We didn't go down to their home for 4-5 months after that. After that, things got slightly better. The Skud missiles still kept coming, but at a lesser frequency.

Sometimes if you don't flex your own nuclear warhead, people take you for a weakling and fire their Skud missiles at you everyday. Sometimes you need display of your own military might to keep the peace.

I love peace, but I reckon a big fight is necessary in order to keep the peace. Irony, but applicable.

Hope that helps.

[janet88]

minnie2004:

My MIL and BIL's houses are constantly covered with a thick layer of dust and they don't seem to notice or care.

I hate dusty and sticky floors...think hubby is somewhat used to clean floor now. When we visit his mother, the floor is sticky and the loo smells.

[duriz]

qizai:

My own story:

Good to hear another side of the story in our ever-growing in-law saga/thread.

My best wishes to you and your DW, qizai.
Your fighting spirits are commendable.
Take good care of eachother and your children.

Sigh, her very own mother

[duriz]

buds:

Goreng Pisang Panas refers to HOT BANANA FRITTERS.

And this one banana is hot from the wok.
CAUTION... beware of scalding.

Watch, hot mama alert :celebrate:

[janet88]

I love goreng pisang leh.

[Sun_2010]

buds:

If one stays far away, and in Singapore's dot.. (i mean how far away

is far away right?) :roll:

To most of us , As long as ILs are in this planet it is a tad too close for comfort

buds:

Regardless of how my ILs treat me..... .

Did some one tell u that u r a saint :roll:
Time to be human and take care of yourself. You owe it yourself.
Hope things go more positive for you.

buds:

When hate sinks in, i'm afraid it is gonna be one helluva Jekyll that is gonna come out... .

U r right , when hate sinks in it leaves a desctruction behind; not just to those around you , but including you...

I have been thru this depressing soul numbing journey - when life sorta loses its meaning because u are drained of all the goodness within... when u feel all used by people who are supposed to love u; when u are trying so hard for them and u get this in return???

Things changed for the better for me, hope you can move on too with little damage.

buds:

this one banana is hot from the wok.

I like banana with cream please. :imcool:
So chill buds...

[minnie2004]

Sun_2010:

I have been thru this depressing soul numbing journey - when life sorta loses its meaning because u are drained of all the goodness within... when u feel all used by people who are supposed to love u; when u are trying so hard for them and u get this in return???

I've been thru this stage too. Was depressed for a whole year and saw my health going down the drain. I developed irritable bowel syndrome and had painful menses and ended up doing a minor surgery. After that, I just ignore all MIL's sh*t and don't give her face anymore. Was stupid enough to hope that she would treat me as her own daughter. Once I found out what kind of person she is, it's just not worth sacrificing my health for it anymore.

[minnie2004]

qizai:

All visits to their home on weekends are made to be guilt-invocation sessions, with words like \"Your dad worked so hard last time, it's all to give you a good education\" etc...

Hi qizai, I kind of understand where your PIL are coming from. After spending $$ on educating their daughters, they become SAHM earning nothing. Although for our generation, we don't expect our kids to support us when we are old, our parents' generation still has that kind of mentality. But I do agree they shouldn't have spent your hard-earned money for luxurious holidays with their youngest one.

My parents are also a bit disappointed when I quit my job to become an SAHM. They thought I've wasted all my education. It's not so much that they're scared I can't support them as I still send allowance to them every month, it's more that they feel I should have my own career instead of relying on my husband too much. They think men are not reliable.

Unlike you, my DH is not willing to support my parents at all as he thinks they're not his parents (despite the fact that I gave up my job for the sake of our kids). Sometime he would ask me where the money I sent my parents comes from, I tell him it's from my own investments. Since he knows I have a long-term stock portfolio which generates nice dividends, he can't say anything

Maybe due to the same blood flowing in their veins, his brother also has the same mentality - when his wife's parents' business was facing liquidity problems, he refused to help them despite having a high-flying career. His wife, on the other hand, can't help her own parents as she has no income being an SAHM, despite having a master's degree