In-law problems?

[DesertWind]

Dear Qizai,


When at the initial marriage stage me & MIL had some \"teething problems\" with each other, I saw how my DH & FIL reacted - both couldn't scoot away fast enough and act deaf and dumb. See no evil hear no evil!

So anything I have to deal with MIL myself. Since both of us ladies got no male support, the \"fight\" is no longer fun anyway so we got to \"gao tim\" ourselves.

Right now, we leave each other alone and relationship is cordial and relatively trouble-free.

Thanks for your wonderful sharing from a guy's point of view!
:celebrate:

[DesertWind]

Thanks Autumnbronze,


Feeling choked and emotional about your posts but really admire your sanity!

Thanks for sharing!
:celebrate:

[autumnbronze]

DesertWind:

Thanks Autumnbronze,


Feeling choked and emotional about your posts but really admire your sanity!

Thanks for sharing!
:celebrate:

Thanks for lending me your eyes (and not ears ) DesertWind :hugs:

Guess I just felt in the mood for unloading.

I remember I used to be the \"Auntie\" during sch days when friends scuttled over to me to confide their deep dark secrets

Anyway, I have just edited my post lest I have miscommunicated in the midst of unloading .....

[buds]

You needn't hafta edit your post honestly sista.

Whatever you wrote the first time around was
honest sharing and extremely heartfelt... yes,
i could feel you. :snuggles:

[schweppes]

autumnbronze:

..... just feel like in the mood to share some personal experiences.

Thanks for your heartfelt sharing, xiaomei :hugs:

autumnbronze:

..... there are bigger things to worry about (for me that is). ......

Most importantly, I have been to my own brand of hell and back even though I have never openly talked about it seriously. So for me, at the end of the day ... I chose to make my bed and lie on it the way I feel comfortable. This is the same philosophy I am inculcating to my DS - \"Life is mostly full of choices and once you choose the path, you have to deal with whatever outcome that is thrown at you\"

:hi5:

Definitely agree with you on this one. There are bigger things to worry about, and I try not to sweat the small stuff.

autumnbronze:

The good news is - at least I got an A rating for being a good mother :rahrah: while its still WIP with regards to being a good wife

Yup... we are all work in progress

[DesertWind]

autumnbronze:

Thanks for lending me your eyes (and not ears ) DesertWind :hugs: .....

Hi autumnbronze,

I am lending not only my \"eyes\" but \"heart\" too, sista!

This thread runs too fast for me to read everything but sometimes came across some heart-felt sharing by established members so took the effort to read and feel along too!

As for who should be the \"bad\" one in our household? My son has also just turn 3 yo (and yes I am also wondering whether I CAN have a 2nd one too!) and everybody give in to him.

Who is going to do the disciplining if not me? My PILs are certainly not going to do it! My maid NO NO, my hubby so soft-hearted could not bear lay a finger/raise voice at his first-borne. So left to MUMMY (me! ) to do the \"piak piak\"!
:spank:
The only concession I promise my hubby is that I will not buy a CANE. So now I use my hand slap on his thigh when he got too fussy. It works, stop his nonsense immediately! Hubby :x but no harm done to my DS. In fact DS will cling to me after I \"piak, piak\" him because he knows mummy is very angry with him!

But pray lah, hor, that both of us do not take this as an excuse and vent our frustrations on our boy. Sometimes \"piak, piak\" him and doing some shouting can be a stress releaser.... :!:

:celebrate:

[qizai]

autumnbronze:

With regards to my DH's stand in the way my mom treats me. Well, he says that she's old and that I've all she has in times of need and that I should just try to do my part so that my conscience is clear. All this despite the fact that he has seen me in tears, stressed, upset (even during my pregnancy when I had strict orders from gynae not to get stressed etc ....). And you know why??? Because she is really nice to him. Its only recently that he has began to see her other side, only because DS is involved. He has come to the realization that she doesn't really have that 'grandmotherly' maternal instinct towards DS when all these years I have been saying that she's been like that to all her grandkids.

Anyway as mentioned in my other posts, I do try to be as filial as I can. But its really getting harder and harder. I have to brace myself harder, remind myself constantly not to give up on her ...... because I have to be a positive role model for my DS too.

Afterthought: For my case, I realize that how my DH treats me is a reflection of how he was brought up by his own mother (and father) .... if you know what I mean.

Afterthought 2: Lest I have miscommunicated, what I meant in my first Afterthought (and positively) is that DH is able to love me the way he loves me ie being very very giving is because thats the way he's been brought up. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't have any expectations. Most of them I have tried to fulfill, those that I am still trying is not because he is unreasonable, but only because its the way I have been brought up ie sins of the mother perhaps???

Currently, our different parenting styles are my main grouse. But again, he's only being the kind of parent that, to a certain extent, his parents were ie overprotective, very loving and giving etc .... For instance, while I see my DS as not being so adventurous for a three year old in the playground, DH says he is just being cautious and is teaching him the concept of taking calculated risks. Aren't we both right in this instance?? When my MIL tells me not to scold DS, let it be, I tell her that someone has to be the 'bad' one around cuz in life, chances of DS encountering/dealing with really nice people well ... almost zilch. And he has to learn to deal with it, its all about human relations. My FIL interjected and said \"but he's still young lah ...\" I don't know whether to :lol: or I suppose you can infer that I am the 'have to be cruel to be kind' sort of parent by now.

Hi autumnbronze, thank you very much for sharing.

Grandmothers pretending to be oh so caring about their grandchild (by saying this saying that) but when it comes to the crunch, they behave otherwise, is something i'm also very familiar with over the past 7 years.

The feeling of being betrayed by someone whom u think is a confidante (whether he/she's a mother, MIL, friend etc) tastes very awful. I've had that too.

Just like to share something about child discipline.

My wife feels that in no way, should she or I contradict each other in front of my son when he's being disciplined. And I agree with her wisdom. Before that, I often like to contradict. She's a much better parent than I do in terms of such stuff, and I open my ears wide wide to listen to her.

The child would get confused what the final message is. And it would all be a waste, because it would be neither dad's message nor mum's message. Waste of effort and time for parents and child, as well as waste of opportunity to impart a good lesson.

If one parent did it wrong, then just let it pass. Never say \"you're wrong to discipline the child\" in front of him/her. Discuss afterwards instead.

As for meddlers who want to score points with the child while he/she's in distress when dear mum/dad is teaching life lessons, tell her to go fly kite!

As for different parenting styles, well, I think it is possible to discuss and reach a compromise. Dear daddy doesn't want his son to fall down, break an arm and get phobia after tat until 21. But dear mummy wants him to be brave, enjoy the fruits of his courage, and gain confidence gradually. There's a middle ground somewhere!

Lastly, I don't agree with the bad guy/good guy in parents. I'm both the bad guy and good guy, and so is my darling wife, to our son. When we leave the disciplining only to one party, sometimes he/she cannot cope, is too exhausted.

After scolding my son for stuff, I typically tell him he's a good boy in spite of all that, and encourage him to better himself next time.

Thanks for listening.

[qizai]

Hi all,


Thank you all for your positive affirmation.
I gather that I’m on the right track, but there’s still plenty more to learn as a parent and husband.

[buds]

It is human nature to get angry. When we are angry, we sometimes say

things we don’t mean. When communicating using angry words and tone
it is important for us to allow the child to understand that we are angry
at the stuff he/she did… and not at the person himself/herself.

[janet88]

As long as I do not have to stay with in-laws, discipline is never an issue of them siding the kids. That’s the one good and BEST thing.


Autumnbronze, it’s not easy to be the bad guy when you have in-laws with you. The important thing is to discuss and come to an agreement with hubby that someone has to be the BAD guy or the child will be spoilt rotten. That phrase ‘he’s still young’ doesn’t make any sense because kids will always be young in front of grandparents.