In-law problems?

[Jasmy]

Hi all, after reading all the posts here, I think I’m really blessed to maintain good relationship with my PIL and SIL. We visit them every week to have dinner together. Although there were unhappiness before but it’s all over. We do not stay together so why keep the unhappiness in your heart? There are times when I’m not happy with the things they have done but am prepare to forget it, especially when I see their old winkle faces. Sometimes, when my DH is so angry with my FIL that he refuse to visit them. I will normally talk sense to him, reminding him that he also has a son, how would he feel if our son is going to treat him like that in future? As time goes by, my husband begin to appreciate me more. There will bounce to have conflicts with In-laws, different upbringing, age gap, etc. However, if we are prepare to let go and forget, I think the relationship won’t be too bad , 大事化小， 小事化无嘛。We will have daughter-in-law next time, who knows? They maybe complaining about us too.

[cherrygal]

I think it’s actually good to be open about things. If I kept the unhappiness in my heart, it’s actually eating into our marriage. DH was supportive of being open with his mom so I went ahead. It’s just that she was not prepared and not used to pple being open with her. Her kids had never been open with their feelings since young and everything was swept under the carpet. My family was really open and we always thrashed things out. Well, most importantly, I am happy I presented my case. She may be old but definitely not innocent. And if my DIL in future has any unhappiness with me, please be frank and thrash things out.


To be fair, I think such unhappiness arise more often when there are other daughters in law involved. If you are the only DIL, there is no one else to compare with, and no unfair treatment to be observed.

[Jasmy]

Hi cherry gal, my DH has a brother who is also married, so I’m not the only DIL. Although not many DIL to compare with but sure has unfairness in the treatment especially the other son is the more favorite one. However, my point is if we dun take it too hard, the situation might be better and we will not be so angry and hurt the relationship. We will also quarrel with our siblings and parents but we still love and respect them after that.

[LOLMum]

I think it is very important to have financial independence from in-laws.


With no money involved, you don't have to bear with their nonsense.

I know of people who accepted money from their parents (gift or loan) to buy a flat and for renovation. The old folks like to have a say in everything from location to what color the wall should be. :scared:

Sometimes it is not the dil who suffers, the husband might be the one getting nonsense from the wofe's family.

[cherrygal]

Jasmy, I applaud you for your forgiving nature and must try to learn from you. However, being open does not mean disrespect. Agree they are still our elders and must give face. But I dun agree with sweeping things under the carpet and it’s hard to judge coz your MIL may not have done what my MIL did. I too wish to have a harmonious relationship and be Ah Q about it.


LOLmum, agree totally. Cannot take anything from them coz you will feel obliged to accept their nonsense.

[aurorin]

Thanks ladies for the encouragement and support! Really appreciate it!


I really do hope that there will be a paradigm shift within the next two years, either DH finally stop feeling guilty or my PILs open their minds to other possibilities than SG and give us their blessing to seek a better life for our family and DD. Because as the time looms closer to my DH’s graduation, I start to wonder how am I going to prepare DD to assimilate back to SG educational system… Also worry abt cost of living etc etc , exactly the things you were talking about, DesertWind and Janet_lee88. Secondary will be trying to stop myself from too resentful about the things I will be "losing" from here… Like my career… My work life balance… My peace of mind… Heh heh… And look on the brighter side… Even though my family not in SG, I do have many good friends there and of cos, my fav hokkien mee… (of cos, if ask me btw hokkien mee and Melb, I will take Melb any day la… Hahaha). Gotta stay positive?

But until the day they change their minds, I can only prepare myself the best way I can to help my DD, if not now but for the future (insisting we apply for citizenship before going back). Who knows… Maybe my DH will really look at the situation beyond how his mom feels and decide in favor of our future and DD’s even though it is selfish. I acknowledge that we are… Cos it is his mom’s right to want her son with her… But I also wanna be selfish for the sake of my DD I guess… Unfortunately, not a win win situation… Cos my PIL definitely won’t come over… My MiL came once and hates it, due to language barrier and in SG she is already not very independent so coming here is her worse nightmare when she realize how big the place is. I was hoping since my SIL is married and recently have a son, which MIL is looking after (my SIL is staying at our flat in SG but weekdays stays with my PIL cos of the baby) so maybe MIL wouldn’t mind as much if we were to stay in Aus. Anyway, PiL are coming for a 4day visit next week, let’s see if their views have changed or not. FIL has never been here and I hope he will see what a nice place this is and hopefully help change their minds.

Anyway thanks everyone for the support! Advice and sharing from you gals like Chenonceau and Funz is really very much appreciated. It is good to read how in law relationships are maintained… Alot of practical things I need to bear in mind off… Also a big gambette to those still having issues with their in laws… Jia you!

[mummyJune]

janet_lee88:

mummyJune:

hi mummies, am i being petty here? pls read on.


last night when i went to my MIL place to fetch my kids, i noticed my daughter(13mths) hair is so short. i asked my mil iszit she brought my daughter for haircut. she said go downstairs cut, $10 so x hor. den ask me nice anot. i said Y cut so short, like boy. I was very unhappy to c my daughter's hair cut until so short. BUT after awhile mil laughed & said FOC 1 la, is my SIL cut (her 2nd DIL). upon hearing that, my face went black & blood boiling. i never like my other SIL, worst, still go & cut hair for my daughter. i was so angry.

i feel that mil seems to be 'testing' my reaction. mayb she wants to see what will i say since previously she said bring my daughter downstairs for $10 haircut, den after that said is FOC haircut done by her 2nd DIL.

Am i very petty abt the hair thingy? haiz, very angry so ve to rant here.

No, you are definitely not petty. I will be super mad if my daughter's hair was cut by someone I dislike. Who gave her the right to cut the hair ?
Why ??? She is not the mother. Why did she allow her daughter-in-law to cut your gal's hair ? Sorry, I know I should not be rubbing in more salt.

no la, u r not rubbing in more salt. in fact my hubby was also angry but he is the sort who won't go & say his mum. last time we used to quarrel cos of his mum especially on the upbringing of my children. thankfully my elder son is in childcare, can't imagine how is it like if still let mil take care. i told my hubby, next yr let our daughter go playground, i don't want her to be too sticky to mil.

i hate it when mil always say my girl very sticky to her, next time older abit sure very sticky just like her 1st grandaughter. den recently weather very humid, so at her house she will on aircon let my girl sleep. in front of me, tell my girl \"u also like your mummy hor, like to enjoy life sleep aircon\" :nunchuk: fedup, really can slap her. :spank:

[CookiesMonster]

janet_lee88:

CookiesMonster:

my MIL is a hoarder aka karang guni.

Mine also Karang guni...loves to collect things. Those free bowls from buying toothpaste or whatever, she can keep them like some limited edition stuff.
But the joke is really about the sofa :rotflmao: hedgehog ? Is it bcos he is lazy to throw the toothpicks after using ?

Aiyah at least yrs collect bowls which in turn can use n throw. N if it get chipped in the process, can throw without causing any pain to both parties. Mine can pass down her crockery given to her during her wedding. I don't mind using but when I had to throw it away as it was chipped, she does get upset.

As for my FIL, lazy or purposely to irritate my MIL, we really dono. Hv bin beside him also don't want to use. We exploded when we find used syringe left in the sofa (he's diabetic). So, now with the maid engaged for him, we expounded to her that biohazard waste must be cleared promptly & properly disposed.

N we instructed the maid not to let the two treasures eat \"junk food\" like ice-cream, chips n sweet. We had to cart home tubs of ice-cream to prevent my MIL over-indulged cos it was on offers. Haiz, our advice to them to watch their diet falls on deaf ears. After that, in pain then come n tell us to bring them see doctor.

[janet88]

She treats those free bowls like treasure...asked her eldest daughter-in-law for cutlery from airlines bcos eldest son always travels for work :faint:


Couldn't be bothered with them now...what is there to talk about when she doesn't want to listen and keeps thinking she is right.

[DesertWind]

Recently my SIL just got a divorce and was going through a rough time. My PILs were pretty affected by this since marriage almost 25 years already with 2 teenage kids! Especially my FIL I think was quite a blow to him. After that, somehow I felt that my PILs suddenly treat me better. More understanding, more friendly.


Of course this is a good thing but I felt a bit uncomfortable too and also a bit sad for them old folks. The divorse must have been quite a blow to them lor…