In-law problems?

[ChiefKiasu]

chuanchuan:

...DH told me that it was a mistake and my aunty Lucy would like to take the present back. It was meant for Lucy's daughter ...

This is ridiculous. Give already can take back wan meh? No pai seh wan?

[MLR]

Hiya all,


Wow its very interesting and informative topic.

I must say I do not encounter i IL issues cos DH is foreigner and they r 15k to 22k miles away. Even then, it took being together for 5 yrs b4 getting married. We are from very different backgrounds/cultures, 10 yrs on, we are still learning working on each other's differences. And bcos we r reminded of our differences, we put in extra effort into our relationship. I m must admit that being in a mixed marriage do take away certain expectations due to similar backgrounds. My parents do not hv the same expectations toward DH as compared to my BIL (sis DH). My mom was horrified to find DH washing my underwears and helping me bathe when I was recovering from arm injuries. But now, she even get DH to do groceries shopping for her. :shock:

I guess which is why in the old days, different dialect groups do not marry each other, to reduce conflicts brought on by differences. In my case, it worked out as an advantage, cos we do not hv expectations toward each other due to our differences, we take it as a challange and great learning process.

A good example is our wedding. DH just let my mom prepared all the necessary items and followed instructions, my PIL are just estatic to see their son get married and at the same time enjoying a great holiday out in Asia. DH is Anglican, it would be a church wedding back home for him and my parents are Buddhist, so we opt to hv a civil service. We had our solemnisation b4 our dinner reception so that all guests bear witness to our union. I guess I m one of few that can truely says that I had a great wedding day.

Got a question for you all, do you hv problems getting along with each other's family b4 marriage? Don't you get to know his family (vice versa) b4 marrying him?

[winth]

MLR:

do you hv problems getting along with each other's family b4 marriage? Don't you get to know his family (vice versa) b4 marrying him?

Q1:
As a gf, the problem didn't seem so obvious and it didn't seem critical then. There was not much power struggling involved or major decisions that will affect my then bf and his everyday life.

E.g. He still lives in his house and me to mine everyday. I would sit together with his family for dinner, and after the affair, I would just hide in his room - there was no need to interact with his parents too much.

There were no issues that would affect the 'face' of my PILs like now. Back then, we did not have to solve problems of where to stay, who to stay with, who & how to take care of the children, how often we go back to visit them etc.

But before the marriage, there were already some hints that my MIL treated me quite coldly, which I've observed. It's not the outright - 'I can stand you' thing, but you can just feel it when she refuses to talk to you or when you talk to her, she refuses to look at you.

And in front of us, she will ask DH questions, as if I'm not around.
E.g. 'Ask XX whether she wants to eat apples or not?' and I'm just beside him when she said it. So, being me, I would just say 'yes' to DH and DH would in turn tell his mum 'yes'. And the sitting arrangement is like we are just next to each other.

Q2:
I had known about their under-covered family problems but it really didn't seem so obvious. It was really the 'You and Me' world that we were in. Not so much obligations. And maybe bec I'm still not considered their family and they didn't know that we would get married so early, they really kinda 'acted' in front of me like they are a perfect family.

You might run into us in a food court and all of us would just be talking together like a happy family. But you won't know that actually, everyone couldn't stand everyone.

On the day before I ROM-ed (my wedding dinner and ROM 2 years diff), his father had run away from home after a very heated argument with threats of divorce. Was so afraid he won't come to witness my ROM. How I know, the next morning, all of them turned up so well-dressed, and happily. My PILs held hands too. During lunch, my FIL even kissed my MIL. Can you imagine... I was like wa... actor and actress.

My mum even thought they are a very loving couple.

Soon after marriage, all the true colours show... so that's how I ended up...

[buds]

My side of the before the actual wedding...


Mine were hands down super SWEET and super THOUGHTFUL!!!
Waaaaayyyyy DIFFERENT from when just after 1st day being
married.... No signs or even tiny hints that suggested anyone
of the IL's to be of an adverse character than what was
portrayed.

I was cheated!

Hahahahahahaaaa!
Thank goodness i'm
happier now. God
bless..

PS : I had a great wedding day and wedding dinner (hubs side)!

[ZacK]

I may be generalising this abit, but I think the source of most IL problems is because MILs are not able to let go of their sons and accept that their sonny dearest belongs to another woman now... If only they are not so protective and territorial over their sons, I'm sure most of the ILs problems would not have existed. Most MILs are less territorial over their daughters as the traditional thinking is still a woman would ultimately have to look for and cleave to their husband... Perhaps this is why most males have fewer complaints over their MILs.


I'm actually thankful that my mum has always been very thoughtful and generous... Before we got married, my MIL stayed alone with her only daughter. After we got married, we lived on our own for awhile while MIL stayed alone on her own. We discussed this just before my wife and I got married and my mum also supported the idea that we shd stay with my MIL after we got married for numerous reasons... That was how we came to stay together with my MIL now.

winth:

On the day before I ROM-ed (my wedding dinner and ROM 2 years diff), his father had run away from home after a very heated argument with threats of divorce. Was so afraid he won't come to witness my ROM. How I know, the next morning, all of them turned up so well-dressed, and happily. My PILs held hands too. During lunch, my FIL even kissed my MIL. Can you imagine... I was like wa... actor and actress.

My mum even thought they are a very loving couple.

Soon after marriage, all the true colours show... so that's how I ended up...

Hi Winth, I think that an ideal/perfect family does not exist... Every family/household would be dysfunctional, some would be mildly but some more serious than others, in varying degrees that's all. End of the day, we need to know what is most impt for us in our lives and then close one or even two eyes to things that are less than perfect... This makes day to day life a whole lot easier to grapple with

[buds]

Heyya Zack,


I do agree at some point with that.
My hubs is the eldest and the most
favourite son - for being the most
filial and most responsible. He has
also had the habit of giving his mum
all his money minus his expenditure
for the month. (Bad habit! - Hehee…)
So mum extremely pampered and very
dependent on hubs. Hence the clingy-
ness…

Even after marriage she was expecting
the usual hand outs - same amount!?!
Wow!

Difference with my own?
They both told me its ok if i don’t give
as much or don’t give any, cos i shud
save for future life ahead… But i still
gave anyway. Hey, i’m filial too ya
know… Plus the occassional makan
feast out together… and the trips
together.

[ZacK]

buds:

Heyya Zack,


I do agree at some point with that.
My hubs is the eldest and the most
favourite son - for being the most
filial and most responsible. He has
also had the habit of giving his mum
all his money minus his expenditure
for the month. (Bad habit! - Hehee..)
So mum extremely pampered and very
dependent on hubs. Hence the clingy-
ness...

Even after marriage she was expecting
the usual hand outs - same amount!?!
Wow!

Difference with my own?
They both told me its ok if i don't give
as much or don't give any, cos i shud
save for future life ahead... But i still
gave anyway. Hey, i'm filial too ya
know.. Plus the occassional makan
feast out together.. and the trips
together.

Hey girl! Do you ever sleep or you r the forum guardian? Posted at 130am and another at 5.05am!! :shock:

Wow your MIL is really pampered kekeke... For me I must say that I was the pampered one? Mum would ask me whether I have enough to spend or not when I started work years ago ... Praying that I would not go hungry

I only give my mum yearly \"hand-outs\" during CNY, since my dad passed on... I gave her his share too

[buds]

Told ya i’m insomniac!!

[buds]

Wah Zack, you lucky got mummy to manja you!

Only son?

I’m the eldest daughter but never get that kind of
manja. Told to go out and find my own geez right
after secondary school. Work study arrangement
all at own cost and time.

[buds]

ZacK:

Hey girl! Do you ever sleep or you r the forum guardian? Posted at 130am and another at 5.05am!! :shock:

Mebbe i shoud be the forum guardian eh...
Hehee..