桃花谈

[insider]

keroppi:

Your postings remind me of my BIL & wife. They haven't spoken for 2 decades, living under the same root and are not divorced... From what I know that is no xiao san,

errr...TWENTY YEARS...you think your BIL is a 和尚 who 吃斋？

ok ok joke aside. Personally do you think all can be better if the mum forgives the dad and the kids respect their dad than to carry on in such a 'colder' way?

I just can never understand leh. Why some women will try to make kids hate their spouse / ex-spouse? Like that can really 'get even' meh? 损人不利己...超级无明......

if these kids are matured enough, they should have known that their dad would have suffered too no matter what their mum badmouthed about their dad. This one doesnt really require wisdom but just need some maturity to see things through... (presumably really no Small Three or other 'badder' things involved on the dad part).

PS:

I believe my sis always talks bad about my BIL in front of their kids. Even in front us, she will say something like he is a good-for-nothing. But his EMA thing, she is wise enough to keep it up first and didnt share with the kids the pix of my BIL and the other scantily dressed woman. (my BIL's greatest problem is he is the only son. Too pampered by his parents and seems never learns much about taking up real manly responsibility. He is a 'weakling' in my eyes. His nature and nurture are all both weak = unlikely to be successful in life in no matter what he does.)

[MintyMin]

Not sure if i recall the answer to this, but what if one spouse stay positive and another negative.. how will works for the kids?


Often, will find it hard for both to agree and see tings eye to eye on matters be money, In-Laws, etc..

So while one spouse may want to create all positive energy in the family.. the other might not be able to curb his/her negativity (lost temper easily/curse and swear at others, etc) in front of kids or even outside.. how?

Do i make any sense here?? :scratchhead:

[insider]

MintyMin:

Not sure if i recall the answer to this, but what if one spouse stay positive and another negative.. how will works for the kids?


Often, will find it hard for both to agree and see tings eye to eye on matters be money, In-Laws, etc..

wah, like that chicken and dog also cannot be peaceful...

In NLP, we learn about 'pacing'.

That if one party is talking very angrily, the other party will try to talk softly with the intention to 'pace down' the first party.

If the other party is weaker, then she will get 'paced up' by the first party.

Whoever has the stronger 'Qi' will take the lead of the direction of a conversation. This is one of the major negotiation skills that most would have learnt in some courses.

It takes a lot of 心平气和 to win in most situations.

And so, try to master this skill of 心平气和 first and then you are likely to get an upper hand in things that you want.

The moment you get 'paced up', then chicken flies dog jumps...all lose...

The kids will be affected by both the negative and positive energy emmitted by both parents. So if the positive one can be the Leader, then she will be able to change the Qi of the house and then the kids will receive more of the positive than the negative. Otherwise, the negative will take over... (must also remember the kids have their own inherent Qi as well. Those with weaker Qi will be more affected by the negative energy. Those with stronger Qi will get minimally affected or can even bo-chup about it...)

PS:

1. Never attempt to get ALL that you want. Must always compromise and meet half way...

2. Dont fight over small things. Let the other party wins most if not all the small ones. Then fight only over big ones = higher chances of winning... (不争一日长短，只在乎千秋大业 - one of my key strategies when I am working with my children and I always win the 'major battles' with them). It is always not possible for you to 大也赢、小也赢. Must give the other party some 'loose change' to be fairer...)

[MintyMin]

Thank you for your kind advise and reply.


After reading on all the posts in here by you and others… I look back over the 8 years of marriage… I must say… most of what you said… did happen… the negativity btw spouses does affect badly on the kids… they fall sick, whiny, etc… n i lost myself in it…

Will contd to reflect… trying not to post any more qns… n look forward to reading the conversations between ur sis n urself…

[vinegar]

不争一日长短，只在乎千秋大业…a good one…


Hmm…sound a bit like 孙子兵法

Remind me of a famous quote fr. Sun Zi
是故百戰百勝，非善之善者也；不戰而屈人之兵，善之善者也
For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.

[Imami]

当我不再争赢,原来我已经赢了. 而且是个大赢家.


要说服自己”算了,不要紧,没关系”比重多多头奖还难， 比割肉还痛。

[Imami]

MintyMin:

Thank you for your kind advise and reply.


After reading on all the posts in here by you and others.. I look back over the 8 years of marriage.. I must say.. most of what you said.. did happen.. the negativity btw spouses does affect badly on the kids.. they fall sick, whiny, etc.. n i lost myself in it..

Will contd to reflect.. trying not to post any more qns.. n look forward to reading the conversations between ur sis n urself..

:hugs:

[MintyMin]

Imami:

MintyMin:

Thank you for your kind advise and reply.


After reading on all the posts in here by you and others.. I look back over the 8 years of marriage.. I must say.. most of what you said.. did happen.. the negativity btw spouses does affect badly on the kids.. they fall sick, whiny, etc.. n i lost myself in it..

Will contd to reflect.. trying not to post any more qns.. n look forward to reading the conversations between ur sis n urself..

:hugs:

Thanks! Am glad to find this thread actually.. Things are a whole lot better now.. which I am truly happy.. bystanders often wonder, why am I so easily pleased/statisfied just by a simple family outing to the Jurong Bird Park..

算不算是我开窍了呢?

[dasalo]

Waiting for more stories to come. Thanks insider for sharing all your experiences. At present, this thread attracts most readers, Zzang!


I shall go hunt for the 2004 Korean drama Lotus Flower Fairy by Lee Da Hae.

[Imami]

MintyMin:

Imami:

[quote=\"MintyMin\"]Thank you for your kind advise and reply.


After reading on all the posts in here by you and others.. I look back over the 8 years of marriage.. I must say.. most of what you said.. did happen.. the negativity btw spouses does affect badly on the kids.. they fall sick, whiny, etc.. n i lost myself in it..

Will contd to reflect.. trying not to post any more qns.. n look forward to reading the conversations between ur sis n urself..

:hugs:

Thanks! Am glad to find this thread actually.. Things are a whole lot better now.. which I am truly happy.. bystanders often wonder, why am I so easily pleased/statisfied just by a simple family outing to the Jurong Bird Park..

算不算是我开窍了呢?[/quote]知足常乐 :celebrate: