桃花谈
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ammonite:
Wah lau, like advertisement breaks in the middle of a movie ...
And it's alway at the Gancheong part too.
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Conversation with my sis Part 2.
Me: So her 长不大now I see it as a blessing in disguise. All this while we have been pondering about how come she is already 18 but still likes Hello Kitty, likes pinkish things, and still enjoys playing hide-and-seek and we have been talking about when then she will 长大. So maybe now we should be glad that she 长不大 for good reasons and you have not been successful in rushing her to grow up.
Me (cont.): Now I can see her super 桃花 stars shining brightly at her. You are the most powerful person who can help her.
Jie: But she doesn’t listen to me at all. She has a strong mind of her own.
Me: Emmm…do you think yourself also have a strong mind of your own?
Jie: <silence>
Me: Think you may have to reflect on her strong mind is an exact mirror of yours and so it ended like two bulls fighting.
Jie: But if she listens to me then I will not be harsh to her.
Me: But if you can bother to keep your cool when she is defiant at times will help her to listen to you.
Jie: She is so young and so naïve. I have to guide her else she may easily get hurt outside. So, I have to set boundary for her to keep her safe. I know she hates the boundary but I cannot ignore her safety. So, you mean I have to let her do whatever she wants. She doesn’t know how dangerous outside world can be and then always acts so 自以为是. I eat salt more than she eats rice!
Me: She is already 18 and I think she entitles to some freedom such as going back before 12 am occasionally instead of have to report home by 8 pm. She has good friends and you need to give her some absolute freedom to mingle with her friends. You know her character and you know her friends. It’s not like she is outside doing drugs.
Jie: But she is a girl! She can be anytime in danger at that kind of hour.
Me: Jie ah, you need to stay more positively when she is out with friends at night. I don’t know about you but so far we know she has been a studious girl and she produced 7 As for her O levels and we can expect good results for this coming A level results release. Overall, she is quite a good girl. Don’t you think she deserves a bit more of your trust to have some ME time occasionally?
Jie: <silent>
Me: You are the one who can help her the most coz both of you are living under the same roof. <then I went on to explain to her about my Seedlings Theory>.
Jie (remark: my sis is a Buddhist by name as she understands very little about Buddhism): <looked a little convinced> But she is my daughter. She gotta be thankful to me for raising her up to now and she still has to depend on me for her university education. If she has a little bit of 良心, she should be more respectful to me. I always remind her don’t be so rude to me coz she still has to depend on me!
Me (paused for 2 seconds to think of how to solve this myth with her>: Jie ah, you may not like to hear this but as parents, it is our responsibility to raise the kids up to when they finish their education. We just take a look at how our parents raised us. Have mum and dad ever told us that we have to be thankful to them coz they raised us up under so difficult conditions? I don’t remember they ever tell us anything like that, not even anything close to that. But we are still very respectful and filial towards them. What made us respectful and filial to them? You think it’s coz we have more 良心？ I don’t think so. I tend to think coz mum always talks to us lovingly whenever she can and it is this love that we are reciprocating automatically.
Me (cont): Parents raising kids is 天职. They didn’t ask to come to this world and it was coz of two people having sexual relationship that formed them. We brought them to this world and so this is a 天职 that we have to provide willingly instead of doing it with expectations.
Jie: This part I cannot agree. We cannot bite the hands that feed us. How can they be so 恩将仇报？
Me: Jie ah, this 天职 part I leave it to you ponder over. You can go and think how how mum and dad raised us up and what made you a filial daughter and maybe you can find the anwer. My take is we bring them to this world and it is our full responsibility to raise them without having to remind them indirectly of their obligations to be polite or filial. These qualities will come from other ways but not from reminders of coz we raise them, they have to be respectful as such reminders will NEVER work.
Jie: If she doesn’t know and if I don’t say, then how could she ever know? These kids you have to keep reminding them else it cannot sink into their heads.
Me: Ok, you wanna to know how to raise respectful and filial kids and now I can share with you the methods instead of using ‘reminders’.
Me (cont): We go back to the Seedlings Theory and you know that by being filial to parents will give a child many positive seeds. But now coz she cannot be respectful to you, she receives some negative seeds. Then you got upset and you scold her, she will kena arrowed with even more negative seeds. The number of negative seeds that she carries will not enable her to open up her 无明 and that will only lead her to fight with you more to get more negative seeds and then you scold her again to cast even more negative seeds and the cycle will go on and on. If you don’t stop this cycle, she may become totally blind and will really go astray coz she will not be guided by any positive light.
Jie: (Face getting tensed. Trying to digest)
Me: I don’t call you out for coffee often. You see these two super 桃花 stars and you know about XXX. All these negative seeds will brighten up these bad stars that really worries me. You see she does have the good stars shining around too but if under so many negative energy, all these good stars will be useless. I am sure you want her to marry a good man and lead a happier life. But her Spouse Field shows a very stubborn man who will control her. Jie ah, I am not sure whether you can see that this Spouse is actually a mirror of you? (at the verge of stepping on landmine).
Jie (surprising didn’t protest): Sigh…but really difficult to stay my cool when she answers me back. You don’t know how bad her tone can be when she talks back to me.
Me: Jie ah, you are her mother and you love her. I know you and brother in law are not getting along well and the kids sometimes have to be sandwiched in between. Don’t you think they are quite poor things to have to be sandwiched in between a mum and a dad. Niece’s defiance comes with reasons. I know you have been working very hard to provide for your two daughters. But kids needs more than money, that they need a positive-energised environment to thrive well and this is something that both of them do not have. I know you are sad yourself but can you also see the sadness in them? We are adults and we can take more hurts squarely. But as kids, do you expect them to have the same strength as us?
Jie <teary>: silence… (remark: I’ve never seen my this super stubborn sis cried before. She is that sort who will rather bite her tongue to die than to cry in front of anyone. Seeing tears is a good sign…)
To be continued. -
Today have no time to write long post so story stops for a day.
Looking at the Russian meteor, it tells us a lot about our fragile life and makes me really wonder how come many still prefer to hold on to trivia grudges instead of letting them go and live their life’s moments…
Russian meteor is a ‘God’s Gift’ to wake more 无明 people up. If my sis’ family has to die together if the meteor hits us, I wonder what their last thoughts and last regrets will be. How come many must wait until the last moments then probably can wake up? Why never treasure the people and moments right in front of them NOW instead of keep thinking about the past and future?
When love becomes a burden, basically it is not love anymore （真善 vs 假善）.
无明 ah 无明… -
Me: Jie ah, I am not saying that I have have foretold will be 100% correct. But the fact that I am talking to you now shows that I believe there’re some elements of truth in in niece’s life plate. She needs your help. And you need to help her by curbing your bad temper. You cannot keep inciting niece to retaliate against you and then both of you to keep churning out the negative energy at home.
Me (cont): You have been concerned about the many age spots that you have on your face. Allow me to say there’s not much point in keep spending money on cosmetic treatments if you cannot change your temper. You also know 相由心生. The age spots tell a bit of your internal fire that you have to put off in order for those cosmetic treatments to work more effectively. You always wonder about how I can look at least 15 years younger than my age and asked me about what kind of skin care products that I am using. The key to this is just to have a peaceful mind and not be affected by the trivialities in life. Jie ah, trust me. The moment you can curb your temper, your complexion will improve by leaps and bounds.
Jie: Ya, second sis also told me the same thing. That bad temper may aggravate the severity of my age spot problems.
Me: Talking about second sis. Has she ever told you under what circumstances she got married?
Jie: No.
Me: She told me when young, she didn't like to stay in our messy house. So, she prayed that she could get out of our house asap. So, she married the first man whom she met after she started working. She told me years before that she regretted her decision and that she should not have made that decision.
Jie: Oh, I've never known that she was resentful staying in our house.
Me: Second sis is a very strong willed woman who can also take much shit in her life. She is a quiet person since young and keeps most things to herself. That time when she married I was still quite young and it also never dawned on me that she married herself off so early to escape from our family.
Me (cont): Can't you learn anything from second sis' decision?
Jie: Huh? What lesson?
Me: That niece can be like her that she may also anyhow marry herself off early to escape from her frequent quarrels with you. I can tell you her plate showing she marrying young and she will divorce and somehow second sis just came to my mind and it seems that it makes sense for that to happen.
Jie: <digesting with a grim face>
Me: I believe at times when you are calm, you will ponder over why your kids are so defiant and that you did ever think of you have to change yourself. This change I know will not come easy. If it is so difficult, then why not you set yourself a 5-year plan to change slowly. List down the things that you want to change and then try to tackle it one by one. The first thing I can suggest for you is to hold your tongue and don’t throw temper via actions (“bang here bang there” silent words) when you hear something not right in your ears. Niece needs to learn from you about holding her tongue but I don’t think she is strong enough yet to master this difficult skills. Can you think and then try for this minor but difficult step?
Jie: silent. (she didn’t give me any Yes for this question).
Me: I always take mum as my hero and as a role model and I am so gladful to have a mum like her. When I faced big issues in the past, I would think of what mum will do if she were me. Mum is strong and so wise that we can learn wisdom from her by the way she has been leading her life. Mum casts such a strong impact on me and so I sort of can understand what my exact role as a mum to my kids, that I have to be an anchor for them too when they run into troubles in the future. As a mum, we should strive to move towards that direction for our kids instead of leaving them nothing concrete to fall on in probable time of despair. Jie ah, think about your relationship with mum and your relationship with your daughters and then maybe you can figure out something...
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Our subsequent conversation went into her relationship with her husband and my encouragement to her to get her kids to visit their age old grandpa whenever they can (my sis has not been visiting that old man for many years). I told her it’s better that she also goes visit that old man coz he is already 90+ and what for make an old man sad. I hope she can salvage this last part before the old man passes on (I really feel sinful to let old people die with regrets).
My sis is adamant about not visiting her father-in-law. She said since her husband didn’t visit my mum, why she should visit his father while I know it maybe my sis who has indirectly forbidden my brother in law in visiting my mum.
All these 恩恩怨怨 between and among adults confuse children. Many of us just cannot lead by examples and only know how to blame the kids.
The only solution to many hurts and grudges is just two words 放下.
Hope all can reflect and do learn something from my stories. 放下 is really possible coz I and many others have done so, and so can you…
Thank all for your interest in this thread.
PS1: I have some queries coming in from my pm and I shall answered them in this public platform discreetly without disclosing the one who posted me the questions (that’s a promise that no direct implications will be shown to the senders of the queries coz I really value the trust you have in me by sharing your problems to a stranger like me. BTW, I have deleted those mails in my inbox.).
I just pray that all have enough strength to raise strong and happier kids instead of going in circles to see how sad history keeps repeating itself…
PS2: Readers, it's 'pass up homework' time! If you have meaningful things to share, kindly contribute so. As said, wise people learn from others' mistakes while unwise ones need to go through the actual mistake itself to learn...
PS3:
As you can see, there’s no conclusion to my sis and niece story though I can see minor improvements in my sis' and niece's attitudes towards each other (and my niece now starts to do some housework). I think my sis bought my 'prediction' and is trying to do something to her bad temper. I am glad that she didn't 'rubbish' my talk to her. In fact, she seems to regard me more like an 'adult' recently during our CNY gatherings... （小妹也是会长大的。孩子也是会长大的......)
解铃还需系铃人. Both of them are equally blind that I don’t see much hope in them reconciling anytime soon. That’s why the 5-year plan that I gave my sis to change bit by bit and my green light for my niece to move to the dorm (at least by doing so, her bad stars will not be brighten during the period that she is away and with the years, there maybe chance that she can 开窍 and then can get along better with my sis. My sis is a very filial child to my mum and I don’t know how these positive points that she will be earning will help her in opening up of her 无明. So basically, my strategy now is to wait.
First day of CNY we all met in my mum’s house. Then I talked to my eldest niece (niece’s sister). Suddenly I saw LIGHT, that this girl maybe can be the Leader of the house (in every house, there needs to be a stronger leader. If there’s no leader, then all will not go anyway except living in more unsettled and broken life).
I talked to my eldest niece casually and discreetly obtained her birth time. Then, I am going to look into her stars to see whether she will be THE ONE in the family or not to help all to move ahead in a more peaceful manner…
I also have been thinking of whether want to talk to my brother in law. But that's a very big potential landmine that I really have to consider properly before my move. I need the 勇, just to what extent I need to go for my sis' family is something that I can take time to wait for the answer (told you if I cannot think of a solution, I will just wait as the answer will appear sooner or later). Afterall, my this fortune telling can be just a big pack of lies!
Note:
Blue parts are missing parts that I added. -
Insider, I am here to pass up my homework on 心得.
I wrote in the other thread that staying with ILs has caused strain in my relationship with DH. Since this is the most immediate issue, I reflected on this using the pointers in your stories.
Some background: because of this clash with ILs, its becomeing quite frequent that I rant or get angry and scold or blame DH. However, everytime this happens, he will remain quiet. He will listen to my rants and sometimes explains himself, but no matter how provocative the situation is, he remains unprovoked. His advice to me is always to learn to let go. I am always angry with him when he says this, cos I always think why must I be the one to let go when I have let go of so much? Why should I continue to be taken advantage of?
Although my outbursts are quite frequent, DH never bear any grudges. Subsequent to my outbursts he will continue to show his love and concern for me. In fact, I always find it difficult to remain angry with him for long.
Now that I hear your story, this is my interpretation.
My DH has this great strength to be able to 放下 when it comes to dealing with my outbursts. Not just knowing and saying it, but to practise it as well. Because of this, he is able to generate positive energy between us (I not being able to be angry with him for long, and our marriage becoming stronger overall). In that sense, he has achieved a ‘selfless’ state in this because he is able to place others before self, and this is the true essence of 放下.
Conversely, as I am the one that is not able to 放下, the same thing comes back to haunt me again and again. I know the theory of 放下, but I cant practise it well cos the ‘self’ is still in the way.
Actually I do realize that despite this strain in our relationship, our marriage has grown stronger over the ten years that we have been together. We have stayed strong with each other in dealing with difficult situations, including having a special needs child. In fact, I am the one that is allowing the ILs issue to become so big that it overshadows all the other good things in the relationship.
In any case, thanks for letting me learn that I have a wonderful DH that I should learn to appreciate. I will still continue to struggle with my ‘self’, but with better consiousness that I have gained now, its a step towards better things. When one is able to 放下, then problems become no problems, or at least they become smaller problems. Life, though imperfect, can actually be beautiful.
I may not have appreciated all the lessons in your stories, but one key takeaway is good for me.
Thank you, Insider. -
Thanks so much for your sharing ImMeeMee!
Think the first time I know you was around that time your child was just diagnosed with spec needs. At that time you seemed ‘weaker’ but now from the posts that I read from the other threads, you seem to have gain much strength and are sharing selflessly to help others. (that’s why my brief hunch that you are overall a kind person who unfortunately is struggling somehow).
You are blessed with a stable husband and I am glad that you know about his strength vs your weaknesses. I am not sure about the financial situations of your family but you can change bit by bit towards your in law, your husband’s Qi will be greatly improved (instead of being dragged down by your more constant outbursts) and Money will flow easier into your family.
和气生财 is real when I believe in the power of Qi. If a person is with positive Qi, Money will be attracted to that person and will experience more signs of 财源滚滚来.
Of course I am not saying that Money can bring happiness but it is something that can help your husband and the family in overall ‘Happy’ mood to generate more positive Qi for everyone, and then increase the chance of opening the 无明 of your in laws as well.
You are a good woman as said but then carrying normal general human weaknesses. The penning of your 心得 requires courage to open it up for everyone to see and it’s an excellent step towards improving self (the same thing like someone who wants to quit smoking, his first step would be to announce to everyone that he is quitting and then he moves on from there with that ‘public announcement’).
The biggest problem with many is still they cannot find the problems with self but have the tendency to finger the problems to others (like my sis and niece).
I would want to repeat that you are blessed to have a good husband who is not so affected by your negative Qi but he in turns can affect you. Qi moves around and sometimes your husband may ‘run low’ in his positive Qi. If you ever observe that he is in a low mood, you in turn have to perk yourself up to be positive to rub on him. If both are negative at the same time, then you may experience the title of this thread, that he may run into 桃花 and that may put you in despair. He is the Ace Card in your hand and so dont let the small cards affect you coz ultimately you will be the winner as long as you can make good use of your Ace Card.
Really admire your generous sharing to those who are in needs when you are also in pain and sincerely wishing you gaining strength as days go by.
加油加油！
Love you!
PS: God will always give solutions to us despite ‘assigning’ problems as said. 天无绝人之路 is true coz I had been to many dead ends in my life before but I always sail them through with my optimism. It seems like your husband is your light and so just surrender yourself and let him guide you and then you will feel less burden… -
My homework
1. To 放下，I think need to resolve own impactful hurt and anger felt so far.
2. I was not meant to be a mother and I doubt I have fully accepted the fact that I’m a mother. I can see that the undesirable traits in my kids are caused by me. To change those traits I will have to change mine. -
my homework
My hot temper has causes great tension with my ds relationship.
I see the immediate need to change myself to generate positive energy to the family. His rebellious behaviour may be because of my hot temper that gave him the negative energy. -
SAHM_TAN:
Hello Tan!My homework
1. To 放下，I think need to resolve own impactful hurt and anger felt so far.
2. I was not meant to be a mother and I doubt I have fully accepted the fact that I'm a mother. I can see that the undesirable traits in my kids are caused by me. To change those traits I will have to change mine.
1. Yes, actually the theme of this whole thread is about SELF, about as long as we can manage the SELF in us, all other things will be in order.
2. Errr...don't be so harsh on your self that 'you were not meant to be a mother'. Pat yourself and tell yourself \"I am a good enough mother\", and say the same to your kids and husband that they are all good enough.
Problem in life is many of us seeks perfections in our love ones (the more we love them, we more 'perfect' we want them to be) when we ourselves are so far away from perfect. In this pursuit of 'perfection', we may make them even fall short of good enough.
You may want to re-read the part I wrote about developing kids' 慈祥 look. Perhaps if you can understand why having an 'A' in that look is more important than an 'A' in the report book, then you may also try to develop that look yourself to reflect on all in your family.
As mums, we will do whatever we can for our kids to be the best that they can be. If you can figure out the importance of a 慈祥 look in a person, then you may really put in efforts in your journey towards internal betterment. I have this ability to see in children's face, whether these kids have 'good' looks or a 'bad' looks. If having 'bad' look, meaning full of 逆气, then even study until PhD also quite no point coz his life is unlikely to be smooth (in terms of career and his future family).
Most of us agree that husband and wife after staying together will have kind of 'similar' look, and then later kids too. So, it's important that the one with the positive Qi to change the look of that one who is more negative instead of vice versa. At times when I looked at a family with parents and kids and I went internally, \"Wow, all look like as if people owe them a lot of money!\"
Remember to pat yourself for being a good enough mum ok?
PS:
I am blessed with abundance of energy and this may also make our parenting journey smoother than many other mums. I require very little sleep since young (average about 5 hours/day) but still can remain alert and energetic. These extra hours that I gain per day enables me to do more things without having to pant pant pant.
So physical health is as important as mental health coz if physically one cannot take the extra responsibilities of being a mother, a wife, and a daughter-in-law, one tends to enter into negative moods easier than another one who can.
The weaker physical health one has, one then has to close more sight to things (like cleanliness of house, child's studies, etc). Trying to do too much when it is not within one's physical health usually will bring a lot of 怨气 and then all will not go well...
Sharing another guiding principle of mine:
要做不要怨、要怨不要做.
If 要做又要怨 = will achieve even lesser than 干脆不要做... -
newuser:
Hello newuser,my homework
My hot temper has causes great tension with my ds relationship.
I see the immediate need to change myself to generate positive energy to the family. His rebellious behaviour may be because of my hot temper that gave him the negative energy.
Thanks for being so 'guai' and submitted your homework!!
My above reply to Tan is relevant to you too. My niece and my sis relationship maybe what your relationship with your son next time (and I can guarantee you that when son rebels, they are much worst than daughters!).
Well, at least you are better than my sis to 'declare' your 臭脾气. My sis is a super 顽石 and so now she is having this small 小顽石 to tame her. You should know the consequences of 石头碰石头 by now...
You still have time and so work in taming yourself consciously and so go write down the 刺 that you have been carrying around you to poke people on a piece of paper and then maybe you can share them with your husband and seek his help to remove the 刺 one by one slowly. It takes tremendous strength and consciousness to change oneself. if you can change even a little bit, all in your family will benefit coz such strength can be rubbed on to everyone.
So, just do it!
PS:
Share here a little episode between my sis and niece during CNY.
My sis hates one of the actions of my niece - using her finger to curl around her long black hair. She really hates this action and everyone of us knows it.
So after dinner my sis was sitting on the sofa talking to my mum and me.
Then my niece exclaimed, \"Oh Mummy, you are using your finger to curl your hair!\"
Then my sis got caught and paused for a second and still wanted to 狡辩, said \"I dont exactly curl my hair as you do!\"
So I joined in jokingly and said, \"Jie ah, 做错事then say 'sorry'.\"
I could see my sis struggled for a second and laughed in an embarrassing way and said her, \"Sorry lah!\"
Then we all laughed together.
Basically my sis seldom apologises even if she is in the wrong and so her kids dont have the habit of admitting mistakes when they are in the wrong too.
Small episode but I think it humbled my sis a bit with her shown of public apology after got 'enlightened' a bit about must lead by example...
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