桃花谈
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A friend shared this.
A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the \"half empty or half full\" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: \"How heavy is this glass of water?\"
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, \"The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.\" She continued, \"The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.\"
It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down!
Thought I will share it here with you guys. -
Jennifer, don't mind I join in your post a little, because my own thinking had similarities.
I admit I have failed as a mother in managing siblings rivalry. My elder boy whom I believe is blessed with more wisdom cant accept the childishness of the younger
My elder son is like your elder son, and I also believe he has 惠根and 善根。he is also very smart. But I always feel he lacks 抱容心, and this is why he has difficulties with his younger brother. But I reflected that this was not always the case. He only picks on his brother after his father picks on him. His father also lacks 抱容心 and is quick to see fault in others. Just like HIS father and my mother. I have 抱容心 and am not easily offended (due to my own father's example). BUT I have two big things that I cannot easily forgive - being lied to, and people who maim with word, esp towards my children. Both my husband and my mother are guilty of this (my husband is reflection of my mother?? Help!! ) and I too lack 抱容心 towards their actions.
When I reflected upon this, I understand that I have to demonstrate 抱容心 towards ds1, dh, and my mother. The change has been drastic in my ds1 over CNY. I am not there yet, there are still lies that I 放不下，but I try lah.
PS. I like this saying
要做不要怨、要怨不要做.
If 要做又要怨 = will achieve even lesser than 干脆不要做..
This is for outsiders, with family, many times you cannot 干脆不要做。I cannot cut ties with my mother and husband, I have to 忍， 再忍。now I 忍 for my kids, and for their sake I will use my 智 to practice 仁，to try to see things from others' point of view that I can remove the 怨。and I need to be 勇 to move on positively, to know that I am at least doing the right things by my children even if it means being lied to again. -
要做不要怨、要怨不要做.
If 要做又要怨 = will achieve even lesser than 干脆不要做..
:goodpost:
:thankyou: -
BeContented:
Since years ago, I have already observed people close to me & realised there is some truth in 相由心生. Tho I do try to control my quick temper, I still fail & tend to flare up easily.
Have been reading this thread & was trying to be more aware. Just yesterday, I had an little argument with my hubby on the way to a gathering (kids were at the back seat).
As usual I got angry & started to frown & sulk. Then I remember your posts & reminded myself to let go. I started struggling with trying to release my frown & smile instead of sulk.....gosh, my facial muscles nearly cramped!!! my face probably look distorted & comical. End up I broke into laughter to the surprise & amusement of my family. :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Looks like I still have a loooooonnnnngggg way to go
Haha, this reminds me of my recent disagreement with DH. CNY period is a time when there are land mines around the house, potential of ignition from DH. This year, a few exploded. But good thing I have kept my temper in check, and did not get 'pulled in'. Remained calm, but DH was quite unmanageable, until finally, when a 'blast' got too huge, I had to \"show him face\" - I put on a silly grin on my face each time we crossed path At first, he was really annoyed. After the 3rd one, his seemed to have calmed down somewhat, although he still insisted that I was 'unbelievable'.
A few days later, we laughed about it.
But he still insisted that I was unbelievable. I took it as a compliment.
-
ammonite:
We are very similar.Jennifer, don't mind I join in your post a little, because my own thinking had similarities.
I admit I have failed as a mother in managing siblings rivalry. My elder boy whom I believe is blessed with more wisdom cant accept the childishness of the younger
My elder son is like your elder son, and I also believe he has 惠根and 善根。he is also very smart. But I always feel he lacks 抱容心, and this is why he has difficulties with his younger brother. But I reflected that this was not always the case. He only picks on his brother after his father picks on him. His father also lacks 抱容心 and is quick to see fault in others. Just like HIS father and my mother. I have 抱容心 and am not easily offended (due to my own father's example). BUT I have two big things that I cannot easily forgive - being lied to, and people who maim with word, esp towards my children. Both my husband and my mother are guilty of this (my husband is reflection of my mother?? Help!! ) and I too lack 抱容心 towards their actions.
When I reflected upon this, I understand that I have to demonstrate 抱容心 towards ds1, dh, and my mother. The change has been drastic in my ds1 over CNY. I am not there yet, there are still lies that I 放不下，but I try lah.
PS. I like this saying
要做不要怨、要怨不要做.
If 要做又要怨 = will achieve even lesser than 干脆不要做..
This is for outsiders, with family, many times you cannot 干脆不要做。I cannot cut ties with my mother and husband, I have to 忍， 再忍。now I 忍 for my kids, and for their sake I will use my 智 to practice 仁，to try to see things from others' point of view that I can remove the 怨。and I need to be 勇 to move on positively, to know that I am at least doing the right things by my children even if it means being lied to again.
I cant forgive MIL bcos she lied repeatedly to me. She is not a bad person, just that she has habits that I cant accept. I always tell my children their grandma loves them, but does not know how to show her love and she has an issue with her inability to control her urge to buy things for each family member. -
Funz:
Thank you for sharing. Will keep it in mind whenever a \"problem\" crops up.A friend shared this.
A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the \"half empty or half full\" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: \"How heavy is this glass of water?\"
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, \"The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.\" She continued, \"The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.\"
It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down!
Thought I will share it here with you guys. -
this i have known before your thread. my son bad attitude towards my mother is from me. i am very angry when son is impolite to grandma and i told him off. but deep inside i know it is no use cause i cannot change my attitude towards her. I shall not elaborate why i am behaving like that cause it will involve talking bad about her. Just say that it is similar to your niece and sister. But not the same. i know i should treat my mom better but knowing and doing is so different.
From ur thread i learn that my attitude is causing harm to my son and family. I need to make an effort and not retort every things my mom says. I want to be happier and if this can help me then i should make an effort. Actually i have a lot to say but i am not really good in putting what is on my mind into words. i shall refer to this thread as a reminder for myself. thanks insider. -
insider:
can ponder along the line of other matters besides 桃花 only.SAHM_TAN:
insider,
Thank you for taking the time to post such a detailed answer to my query.
I have much to think abt.
新年快乐
the negative points generated via negative moods affect not only 桃花, it affects all the other Fields of Children, Parents, Friends, Colleagues, Career, Money, Movement/Mobility, and Overall Happiness as well.
无明 leads to people cannot have positive children, positive parents, positive friends, positive colleagues, positive career, positive money flow, positive movement, and thereby affect the overall happiness of a person. Therefore, if one's life is not smooth, coz he/she is surrounded by many negative points that are attracting more negative things (essence of NLP).
So to stay positive and calm in any situation whenever possible is the key to find solutions for life's crisis (many times if can remain positive and calm, solutions will come automatically even without having to find it. Solutions are always there but coz of 无明, people are blinded and miss them even they are right in front).
You may not believe me. When I face some problems that I have no solutions, I will digest the situation and then go function as normally (work, play mahjong, drink wine, etc) coz I just have this faith that the solutions will pop up right in front of me sooner or later. I can even sleep peacefully and really the solutions will 'appear'.
My second sis cannot tahan me in this sense, always complains to my siblings that \"I dont care\" and still can function as per normal, as if I 'bo chup' and heartless.
She is another one with a big patch of 无明 in her, coz she will always think of the most terrible consequences out of a problem and then worry herself to death unnecessarily (remember I have another SAHM sis who managed to groom 3 GEP kids? I once wrote about she was in a near depression and then when I spoke to her eldest daughter, her daughter told me, \"My mum is siow one.\" - imagine slogging herself throughout her life to groom the kids and ended up with a term like this? Her RI son is also very difficult to manage, giving her a lot of attitude problems. I will help my this second sis at a later stage coz the time is not ripe yet).
Very pessimistic when meeting problems...no good... (one of my life's beliefs - no problems can kill us and so dont need to worry ourselves too much). Ya, my second sis will be the last one whom I will teach any fortune telling skills (coz she will keep looking at and worrying about the bad ones instead of be happy with the good ones = not a suitable candidate to learn)
I still have much 无明 in me but I am very conscious of negative feelings. From young (even without this concept of 无明), I will not let myself dwell over a thing for more than 3 days. Now, I am highly sensitive and conscious of my own negative thoughts, that I will curb one whenever I realise I am in that state of mood.
My 3 kids are 'good enough' kids as I always 'boast'. They are good coz I am wise enough to avoid rubbing negative points onto them and therefore they are able to generate good points for themselves and therefore can lead smooth lives so far.
All my kids have a common characteristic - they are filial, be it to their parents or to their grand parents or towards the elderly in general.
Character development is more important than academic development - this is something that I have been preaching in this forum for many years as long as I have the appropriate chance.
As long as a child has the right character = all things will be well taken care of coz they will be protected by all the positive points they made for themselves = have lesser 无明 = lower chance of making bad decisions in their life.
Academic achievement is not really important coz knowledge does not equate wisdom. As long as the wisdom can be open up, knowledge will come alive and become relevant.
I never envy parents with smart kids, I envy parents with wise kids coz wise = happiness. I am not shy to say my daughter is smart and wise (she will still have her 无明 but her kind heart will give her enough positive points / strength to sail through those difficult periods and emerge stronger after each period. Few thousand years ago what Confucius said is still valid till today
仁者不忧
智者不惑
勇者不惧.
Therefore, it is still important to develop
the 仁 (to harbour kindness and then it is like one will be free from worries),
the 智 (wisdom to see clearly even if one is in a mess = can make better decisions), and
the 勇 (courage to do the things that need to be done instead of being frighten off and wasting time hesitating. 'Fear' in many situations is quite a useless hindering emotion coz most of the time, it is not warrant of).
So, always attempt to model for your child what a good person should be like with your actions and not so much on words. And, start by being a filial person towards your parents, your in-laws, and the rest of the elderly.
Encourage your kids to do small things for you, such as helping you to carry lighter grocery bags or fetch you a glass of water or add sugar to your coffee, etc; something that is manageable and age appropriate. This will help them to build their positive points (don’t tell them of course).
By doing something small and gradually bigger, kids are likely to turn into useful children in the family and then to the society. Pls don’t breed robots who only know how to study but nothing else…
Dolphinseah maintains a Zen page with many good quotes. If one wants to even master one of the quotes may take a whole life to achieve it.
Zen takes a whole life to practise and therefore it definitely requires a much looooooooooooooooooooongeeeeeeeeeeeer time than drama 爱……
thank you so much insider for this post..i was only half way into reading it (in page 6). cant wait to finish reading all.
your post came so timely for me, i am in a situation where i am facing difficulties with DS's school work and his attitude.
he is in P5 , school result is border line.
always lack of focus in studies, teaching him need lots of patiences and love.
tuition teacher said he is slow in grabbing the concept , need longer time to absorb compare to others. as a parent, natually i am worried for him, but i keep telling myself, i cannot compare him with other kids. but sometime, too much of the same sayings of him from many ppl (school teacher, different tutors..etc..) makes me worry for his future..
as a working mother, i done what i could to spend time on his studies, everyday after work, will sit down to go thru his work with him, teach and explain to him. but somehow, it wasnt enough.
he is quick tempered and lack of patience with others
after reading your post, had \"awaken\" me. i felt that i was largely to be blamed for his character. i admit i am a person with little patience too. really need to sit down to \"examine\" my own weakness before i expect DS to change.
thinking abt him sometime make me tears. i question myself countless time, \"have i been a good mother?\" \"did i set good example for him?\". i guess i didnt.
need time to absorb your writting, but one thing for sure, i need to change MYSELF to change HIM.
thank you so much insider ! -
"要做不要怨、要怨不要做.
If 要做又要怨 = will achieve even lesser than 干脆不要做…"
Thank you, Insider. This quote is just so apt in my situation. In fact, I question myself many many times in the past if I should be pushing myself so hard, but I just 放不下… due to my belief that I have to give all my kids the same opportunities.
DH is very quick tempered. I have bad temper, but his is quick, the type that comes quickly but also goes quickly. He is someone who 放得下，while I forgive less easily but am still a more optimistic person than he is.
We would always have arguments over how to discipline our DS1. He believes in e.g. using cane, hitting parts of the body with hands but very hard, etc., whereas I don’t. Because I believe DS1 吃软不吃硬 (of course, if the issue is of a very serious nature, I am not totally against the idea of using the cane, just very worried about going down that path and losing ourselves in it). Many times, it is just a question of we adults not knowing how to manage our expectation and in DH’s case, his quick temper.
As a result, when DD was younger, I took over almost every area of her learning, as I have observed DH’s lack of patience would cause more harm than good. With DS1, I have less time for him as a result, and if I don’t want to delegate certain things to the maids, it has to be DH. And hence from time to time, the arguments with DH, which unfortunately would be in front of DS.
It would seem then, the only way is to 放下, and manage everything again, just as I had for DD. But it’s not easy when I have another DS2 now…
Am still trying to figure out how to get out of this 无明. -
insider,
if one spouse can easily 放下 while the other can’t, how?
the one that can easily 放下 is viewed as not taking the dispute at hand seriously, which make the one who 放不下 very upset.
will 退一步海阔天空 be viewed as an ostrich head in sand?
have i misinterpreted some of your sharing?
TQ.
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