桃花谈
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Dear Insider,
I am usually a lurker at kiasuparents, but am here to hand in my homework to thank you for your wise and thought-provoking lesson.
For me this thread has made me think about my relationship with my parents, in particular my father. My dad has always been loving and generous with me and has showered me with many things and much love. I know that he has his failings too - he is very arrogant and loves to have face and he can have a very bad temper - but he’s my papa and I love him. But quite recently I have become closer to my mother and learned some horrible things my dad has done from decades back to very recently, and I have been so angry and so disappointed and so betrayed that I haven’t wanted to speak to him or even look at him.
But as I have read your posts, I have come to… I suppose, accept him. I don’t need the good and bad to cancel out, I don’t need to feel that its wrong to love him, I don’t need to understand him and I don’t feel that I need to make him pay or see how bad / wrong he is. In a way I’m able to be thankful even for not knowing about these things earlier so I could have an innocently happy youth (I am far from young already hor!).
There are other things too that I look at differently now, but for helping me release all this negative emotion I had toward him, I have to say to you a big 谢谢! -
jedamum:
insider,
if one spouse can easily 放下 while the other can't, how?
the one that can easily 放下 is viewed as not taking the dispute at hand seriously, which make the one who 放不下 very upset.
will 退一步海阔天空 be viewed as an ostrich head in sand?
have i misinterpreted some of your sharing?
TQ.
Wah, today so 热闹 over here! Many touching posts! Good Qi Good Qi!! hahaha...
Have 10 min of break time and shall take this question over my coffee.
Basically you are talking about my second sis and me when I mentioned before that she got quite upset when I seem like 'bo chup' even when we have a big family crisis.
She could get into ‘stomping feet’ mode last time about my bo chup attitude but I have proven to her time and again that things can be and will be solved without all her anxiety. So now, she seems to know my ‘pattern’ and whenever she runs into ‘crisis’, she will call me to get reassurance that the matter she encounters is not as serious as what she thinks and sometimes is just 三两下子 can settle matters (most of the time it takes ‘三两下子’ is coz of the life experiences that I have to find ready solutions and not so much of wisdom).
Any of my second sis upset doesnt affect me at all coz I know who I am and I know by being kancheong spider will not bring one anywhere in times of crisis.
This thing, 'I know who I am', is a very important Self Concept, that we should not be shaken by another one who may have more 无明 than us. Once shaken, we then got pulled into the swirl and matter becomes worst.
These words are golden truth about the kind ones will not be troubled; wise ones will not be confused; and brave ones have no fears:
仁者不忧
智者不惑
勇者不惧.
As a leader, we mustn’t be afraid of how people misunderstand us or accuse us or scold us, etc coz just simply “I know who I am’. Therefore, I don’t get upset with those who cannot understand me but just feel sometimes 心酸 that how come people cannot break away from the vicious cycle to退一步海阔天空…
The saying of 日久见人心. Many times, we just have to wait as said and most if not all the time, it’s always 守得云开见月明 (think Funz can attest to this).
Towards our loved ones such as my two elder sisters, they deserve my fullest patience and therefore, I will always give in anytime even though they may be so wrong in doing certain things.
Towards all my family members, I hold something very firmly in my head, that they are my family members and no matter what they do, I will accept and forgive where necessary. That’s basically the promise that I gave to my mum, that I will hold her six children together along with her grandchildren even after she passes on (knowing that my siblings are mostly quite bad tempered, my mum has this naggy worry that all her kids may break apart after she passes on and that was when I gave her my assurance.)
Oh yes, another thing. Pride means nothing much to me now. I don’t need to win anything anymore and so I seldom fight with anyone (excl working matters that involve legal cases lah). I let people win, see them happy as most losses are just nothing material with most of the time, the 赢 is just 赢了一口气 and nothing else.
In life, if you have reached the state of knowing many times 赢就是输、输就是赢, then usually you are very close to 'Zen' oredi…
PS:
Have to work now. Chat when free again… -
My homework,
1. DS1 is so much like me. Stubborn, don’t want to admit when in the wrong, etc. And hence, there are a lot of clashes between us. And a lot of negative Qi in the family. Honestly, all the negativity in the house is caused by me. Because of my bad temper. And when I am angry with one person, the other 3 also kena. Hence, my kid.s always say : mummy, if you are angry with XXX, can you don’t vent your anger on us too ? I am going to work real hard to hold my tongue and rein in my temper. Just last night, I sat my DS1 down to talk to him about some things that I didn’t like. He was upset and just said "Mummy, I really don’t like to talk to you." I felt hurt, but I also tried to reflect on myself. "Am I too naggy?", "Is this the right time to talk to him abt this ?" etc. Plus earlier in the day, another friend also told me how she handle her 2 teenage boys. I am glad that all these advices have taught me to just hold my tongue and said : "Ok. we will talk another day." No getting angry, no blasting him further etc. Just calm talk. Hope I am in the right direction in at least removing the negative Qi in the house.
2. 放下is another thing that I need to do. Towards my MIL who didn’t bother to visit my mum when she was very ill. Once in a while, the sour feeling will be stirred up by some behaviours of MIL, and DH will kena from me. However, DH will always be calm and just listen to me. I really admire my DH who can always be so calm, and not be bothered by how other people behave towards us. His favourite phrase is "Don’t care about them la." etc. I have set myself some New Year Resolution for 2013. One of them being "Break the Silence" … meaning don’t ignore the people who have offended me (or at least from my perspective), take the initiative to break the silence (some of these silence can be for decades), and mend the relationships. This thread has further motivated me to work really hard on this one. And I’m glad that I did have a few relationships on the mend. And I will continue to work on it. -
We nid to let go,forgive n forget…
Always wonder…if we shld keep forgiving the person,who keeps hurting us.I’ve the tendency to "avoid" the person,to prevent myself from being hurt…also i don’t hv the courage n wisdom to deal wf it…coz dealing wf daily life,oredi a great challenge for me.
Look like i’ve long way to go…to learn to master 仁,智 and 勇…thks so much -
cmm:
This sounds SO SO SO familiar.... happens in my family too.Insider jie, thank you for thanking the time to write these long meaningful posts. I enjoy reading every one and have benefited much from them, though I do not believe in fortune telling.
One of the things I learnt from you is to wait for the solution to problems. I used to think that if I do not yet have the solution to the problems I am facing, it means I've not tried hard enough. I would worry & lose sleep :nosebleed: till I get a solution.
Another is what you call the 无明, which I call teachability. It is so true that sometimes, what is so obvious to others is not evident to the people involved 旁观者清，当局者迷。So during these times we need to have a 'pre-appointed' person (what u call leader) to be our mentor to guide us during these periods of 'blindness'. A lighthouse.
I will also strive to increase the positive vibes in the family. With three young children who are frequently fighting, quarreling, complaining about each other, this is not easy :imdrowning:
Your sister is very blessed to have you to 调节 the strained relationship she has with her daughter. :hugs: -
Thanks insider for sharing.
And taking the time to pen down your replies. -
Stole one of my relevant Y2011 old posts and repost it here (below 娃娃 is my daughter):
毛毛是娃娃从小二就认识的朋友，她就住在我旧家的对面。
两个孩子每天手牵手一起上学、蹦蹦跳跳一起游玩。
再好的友情都会有被挑战的一天。在娃娃约小四那年，两人发生了‘很大’的口角。娃娃和我说了她的委屈，两人就从此不相往来。
我看着看着她两个礼拜左右，发现事情还是没有好转的迹象。
我就开始向她循循善诱的开导了。
我问她不相往来了她就是不是开心点了呢？
她扁着嘴说不开心，但她没有错，所以是不会先开口的。
我就说毛毛也会认为她没有错呀，那怎么是好呢？
我鼓励她‘放下’，告诉她妈妈相信她是受委屈了，但是那个委屈还不值得失去一个那样好的朋友。我浅白的告诉她‘度量’的重要。
说完了我的道理，孩子得靠自己的智慧去消化了（那是逼不来的）。
她想着想着，结果还是自己真的背着我打电话给毛毛冰释前嫌呢！
这件小事，毛毛的妈妈也知道。在楼下碰到面时还会夸娃娃的懂事而责备自己孩子的不是。
娃娃对这件事的印象是很深刻的。她有时还在感激我为她保留住了一个那么要好的朋友… -
I used to wish I have better command of Chinese so I can read all the 武侠小说. Now I wish I have better command of Chinese so I can read and fully understand insiders’ profound teachings. Sigh.
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