桃花谈
-
Cont. Conversation with my niece 4 (missed out this part that is important)
Me: Ah Yi like has never heard you to talk about your dad. So how’s your relationship with your dad?
Niece: Like that lor.
Me: Like that means?
Niece: I seldom talk to him. Usually I talk to him when I need him to fetch or pick me somewhere or I need money that my mum won’t give me.
Me: Do you think you have been talking to him nicely so far?
Niece: Just talk lor. What does talk nicely and not nicely mean huh?
Me: You see the way Jie Jie (my daughter), Gor Gor (my eldest son), and Di Di (my youngest son) talk to me. I think they talk nicely to me in a sense respectfully and gently, esp if they want something from me!
Niece: But you different mah coz you talk nicely to them. You know my mum and my dad cannot get along. Both have not been talking to each other for years. If they have to talk, my mum is always in a very hostile manner. I have this feeling that I cannot talk to my dad too nicely when my mum is around else I may upset her by not on the same side as her.
Me: Why your parents cannot get along?
Niece: I also don’t know. But you know mummy has so bad temper. If I were my dad, I also cannot get along with her. Sometimes I wonder how come they don’t divorce and have to stay together like this that’s so meaningless.
Me: So, you think they should divorce?
Niece: Divorce lah. What for going on like this? You know even when they don’t talk, mum will talk through her actions sometimes. When she does packing, she will bang here bang there to purposely irritate my dad and then he will receive the message to leave home. It seems my dad avoids meeting my mum as far as possible and so he will time his returning home at around 1 am after my mum sleeps. My house has a very hostile atmosphere whenever the two of them are under the same roof. That’s why I prefer to stay in your house instead of going home.
Me: Ah Yi don’t know what’s really going on between your parents. No matter what happened between them, you should stay clear and not to take side. Maybe your mum’s bad temper sours the relationship or maybe your dad did something and made your mum so bad temper. We don’t know.
Me (cont.): No matter who’s right and who’s wrong, you have to be nice to both. I heard from your sister most of the time you don’t speak nicely to your dad and wonder if that’s true. You go and reflect about this and think whether it is fair for your dad when you need him to fetch you or give you money but yet you cannot request properly for him.
Me (cont.): Niece ah, Ah Yi has been talking to you for many nights. If there’s only one message that Ah Yi want you to remember, it is don’t be rude to your parents if you want to have a smooth life in the future. You can’t see the consequences now but Ah Yi can see. You said you don’t want to marry a man who likes to control you right? Then you really have to do this bit for yourself.
Niece: Really so difficult leh. I think I shift to the dorm first then see how.
Me: OK, it’s not really a bad idea to shift to the dorm first if you really have to fight with your mum almost like daily. However, from now until the day you can shift to the norm is about eight months. Within these eight months, just try to be good ok? Hold your tongue and do some housework regularly – these two will please your mum greatly and things will improve for sure.
Niece: I will try my best.
Me: Ah Yi will talk to your mum but of course Ah Yi will not tell your mum things between us that are not supposed to be told to her. I know how petty she can be.
Niece: Ya! You cannot betray me huh.
Me: Won’t lah. You think Ah Yi so 不讲义气 meh?
Niece: Giggles…
To be cont. (conversation with my sis) -
insider:
Just want to let you know: I am very grateful for your sharings.There is an embedded lesson in my early life story that some of you may have failed to catch it.
That is, all experiences, whether they are good or bed, are there for good reasons. Due to our inability to see the future, some of us question and question and want so desperately to have an answer.
But coz the future is not here yet, we cannot have the answer but to wait for events to unfold and then one day, if we are wise enough to reflect, we may be able to go into the ‘Aha’ mode of realizing what those experiences meant for us. -
Jennifer:
Me too. Thank you!
Just want to let you know: I am very grateful for your sharings.insider:
There is an embedded lesson in my early life story that some of you may have failed to catch it.
That is, all experiences, whether they are good or bed, are there for good reasons. Due to our inability to see the future, some of us question and question and want so desperately to have an answer.
But coz the future is not here yet, we cannot have the answer but to wait for events to unfold and then one day, if we are wise enough to reflect, we may be able to go into the ‘Aha’ mode of realizing what those experiences meant for us. -
Am not sure what are the lessons that readers can get from the ‘stories’ but I hope they do provide some learning points…
It’s so tough to be husband and wife, to put two people under the same roof and expect them to live happily ever after without conflcits.
Whenever we hv to ‘fight’ with our spouse, we should try not to let the kids know though even if we try so, they can ‘feel’.
We should never talk bad about our spouse, even during divorcing stage, coz that scars kids’ concept of marriage terribly (and kids are unlikely to have a happy marriage next time).
We may have married the wrong man even though sometimes we are the wrong woman for that man. Whatever it is, we were ever been in love and there are many fond memories that we can be happy of instead of keep remembering the hurts.
I can see from my niece that she hurts a lot. But she has put herself with an automatic protective layer to shield herself from such hurt that are emitted from my sis and my brother in law (by perhaps simply refuse to grow up and behave in a naive way). These hurts that she carries may ultimately be bounced back to her parents - that she enters herself into an unhappy marriage and be a broken woman.
When her parents know that their child is broken, of course they will be broken. However, most will not know that these are ‘bouncing’ negative energy that whatever hurts you have caused others will bounce back to you one day; that they are the originator of such hurts.
So, if really cannot get along, do consider divorce to mitigate the hurts that will be caused to the kids. The concept of ‘better for the child to hv dual parents’ to me does not stand. My 4th conversation with my niece is just an example of sometimes it’s better to separate then to be tied together for the sake of being tied together.
As said, as parents, we should make decision with the best interests of children at heart. If you ever meet a cross road of whether to divorce or not to divorce, my advice is try to reconcile within 3 years (meaning your child may have to suffer negative energy for 3 years). If after 3 years nothing can work out, then can consider divorce to free your kids from the negative energy. Then, be strong and move on to rebuild more positive energy into your child.
I wish parents can be more sensible. Your relationship with your spouse if it’s bad, hurt the kids whether you want it or not. And your kids may return the hurts in a way by destroying themselves, in a way that you cannot imagine is a ‘return in kind’. Many have sown bad seeds without even knowing.
This goes into the 因 and 果 that is more complicated… -
TGIF!
Today is Friday = ME Day = Mahjong Day!
That means today I will not be writing much.
I attended several psychology coaching sessions before, both in Chinese and English through the years.
I always want to make sure that I am a ‘balanced’ person coz worry got blind spots that I cannot see and so hope these courses can make me better understand myself. Every few or in fact, I can find no one compatible to my thinking amongst all whom I know. This is not how-lian hor. Coz of this, I have no one to check on me and therefore on and off, I need to check on myself is make sure that I am not 走火入魔.
As said, I will have my own 无明. If I am in a 无明 state and yet no one can give me a light, then I will be terribly blind and may travel wrong path.
In EVERY psychology courses that I been through, the standard practice seems to be that we have to recall our childhood and then write a reflection on it (sometimes we have to share via group discussions). We would to recall our worst and best moments and then try to see how our present happiness or unhappiness mirrror those moments. Most of the time, there’s a correlation.
If you have gained anything from reading this thread, I would appreciate your contribution of a 心得 after I temporarily close my story of my niece and sis (there should be about 2 or 3 more posts then I will end the story). Just share what you have learnt with all so that we can each other benefit from the sharings…
心得 can be repeated ones among readers but sometimes we can see surprising new angles from the same reading. (like when I read the story of Job, I can feel so much pain and hurt in him and then can ‘migrate’ his pain and hurt to those who are struggling ‘unnecessarily’ tho ‘humanly’.)
So ‘assignment’ given in advance and hope readers will ‘pass up’ later… (this is similar to Literature Study - that we go into deeper analysis of a character and ponder about how come he did this and that. Literature is a very meaningful subject but somehow I feel many kids don’t get the real meaning of studying it when they study for the sake of scoring the As. That’s why I always feel Knowledge does not equate Wisdom if one cannot apply it meaningfully…)
Thank you!! -
wow!!! insider, u sound like a 高人… really 卧虎藏龙。。。。
-
I've just discovered this thread and had been reading it the whole morning.
I recall your story of how your boy 开窍 . My, has it been that long ago?!
I've always loved your sharings, and it is so wonderful to have you back again!
-
Your ‘preachings’ reinforce many of the things that I have understood based on my personal experiences, and the need to remain positive, to be mindful of one’s temper and temperaments, and in dealing with the others’.
Your mention of the ‘wait’ ‘strategy’ for one’s ‘无名’ to pass reminds me of a marriage I know of, and it seems like it is precisely what the wife is doing now - to keep her calm and positive attitude, and ‘waiting’ for the day her husband ‘outgrows’ his "childishness". It is a shitty situation, but I can see her growing stronger, and doing her utmost to give her children all the positive energy. It is unbelievable how some people can be so ‘smart’ yet so unwise like her husband. And he still thinks so highly of himself and talks down on his wife, calling her stupid in front of other people. It only makes himself look more foolish and not worthy of respect - repulsive even. -
concern2:
It is a shitty situation, but I can see her growing stronger, and doing her utmost to give her children all the positive energy.
Hahaha concern2 so happy to see this '装神弄鬼' woman returned oredi...
Think I better further qualify my 'wait'.
'Wait' must wait with eyes wide open and wait calmly.
Eyes wide open means knowing the possibility that the man may 一去不回头.
So, besides 讲心，must always remember to also 讲金.
Must try to makan as much cash as one can if one's spouse is having EMA to get prepared for the worst.
$$$ in your pocket is better than $$$ in the other one's pocket...
If the worst never comes, then good lor, use part of the accumulated $$$ to go tour together as a family...
Never need to be 客气 when have to 讲金 with your spouse, as long as your motive is a conscientious one then by all means, go dig 'intelligently'! -
Your postings remind me of my BIL & wife. They haven't spoken for 2 decades, living under the same root and are not divorced. The atmosphere in their household is intense and I have often wondered if growing up in such an stifled environment is good for their children. The fights were frequent and the kids would cry and call for SOS. After reading your postings, it seems they probably would be scarred in some ways. But the children are very sweet kids, pleasant, polite and likeable. They did very well in school all the way to Uni (on govt scholarship). The kids, now in their 20s, are still very nice young adults but I can see that they show little respect for the dad, prob a result of their mum's badmouthing her hubby all these years .... it's so sad and I often pity my BIL (he has his shortcomings too). He may not be a good hubby (not sure what drove a wedge between them) but I think he tried to be a good dad (drove his kids to school early in the morning, pay for maintenance (wife is SAHM) and he basically performs his duties as the family chaffeur). From what I know that is no xiao san, probably just irreconciliable differences. Just amazed how 2 person living the same house can don't talk for 20 over years. I won't be able to stand it.
For me, I will try to stay positive, think good thoughts and deal with my teens the way you have shared. Come to think of it, I may have habored too much negative qi these days. :rant: :mad:
Hello! It looks like you're interested in this conversation, but you don't have an account yet.
Getting fed up of having to scroll through the same posts each visit? When you register for an account, you'll always come back to exactly where you were before, and choose to be notified of new replies (either via email, or push notification). You'll also be able to save bookmarks and upvote posts to show your appreciation to other community members.
With your input, this post could be even better 💗
Register Login