桃花谈

[Xiao Hu]

insider:

So, go find some good books to read and you maybe able to be a much better person years down the road (isn’t it the same thing like we always tell our kids? Have you been doing this yourself??)

At the closing of this thread, I will recommend some books that I feel are very enlightening. You may try reading them if your Chinese is ‘powderful’ enough...

Hi Insider,
What are some of the books you would recommend? 等到頸都长頚鹿了...

Thanks in advance,
Xiaohu

[insider]

mummy so kiasu:

I have strongly discouraged her at that point of time. I had intention to help them to save their marriage. However, I have accidentally found out that my dad had fallen for someone. A relationship takes 2 hands to work & I knew that there is no way to save my parents' relationship.

My parents have divorced for 5 years. My dad is happy with the other woman & my mum has not forgiven him. She used to be angry with me whenever I visit my dad or talk about him. I did not hate my dad & I understand that the broken marriage is a problem between my parents. They have done their parts as parents to bring up my siblings & me.

Know what? My 21 years old daughter (in UK) just skyped me for help, asking me how she can console her same age best friend (in Spore) coz her best friend's parents are now in cold war and probably in the process of divorce coz the mum found the dad got a woman outside.

Friend told my daughter that now the mum (a highly educated woman with a successful career) has turned to be unreasonable and irrational and the whole house like got caged with live wires all around.

Wise parents will never put all this kind of stress on their kids for their failed marriage. But these hurts and pains from betrayal are just too much for many to take, whether one is highly educated or not.

I told her to advise the friend to stay out of her parents' quarrels and disputes and to maintain neutral whenever possible. Just don't get sucked in and then forced to take side (both parents have been providing the kids well).

I can imagine your mum's hurts when she divorced at about 60 (and I hope she did get herself some $$$). If really cannot tahan the existence of another woman while your dad is in love with another one with no signs of returning, divorce is not a bad idea.

Hope your mum can figure out the part about 缘分已尽 and can 放下 in the near future.

恨 gnaws the heart of a person up bit by bit and it gets reflected on the face. If she cannot live happier than what your dad is living his life now, she suffers a double failure. She just has to figure this thing through and most of the time, she has to go through this process alone...

You are right to understand both your parents have provided for their children and right to remain neutral.

Never get sucked in else your family Qi will be affected to.

You can learn a great deal from their divorce and then use their mistakes to fortify your own family ties. (as said, wise people learn through the mistakes of others while the unwise ones have to go through the mistake itself to learn the lesson)...

Trust me one day you may get to understand fully the embedded 'intangible' reasons of your parents' divorce relative to your personal journey in your marriage and your parenting path...(can't elaborate the 'theory' here coz really abstract).

PS: If your Qi is stronger than your mum, then you may attempt to 'counsel' her, else just be there for her without 'poking' her. I am yet to speak to my second sis about her conflicts with her kids coz I assess she has the same amount of Qi as me and I have no confidence at all to 'win' her. So I am still waiting for a good moment to 'attack' her. Never talk when the other person is not willing to listen. Just wait...

[insider]

Xiao Hu:

Hi Insider,
What are some of the books you would recommend? 等到頸都长頚鹿了...

Thanks in advance,
Xiaohu

This one needs to consolidate leh.

I will do the list up after my final round of answering a meaningful case in my pm...(by this weekend I hope).

wait huh...

[jedamum]

insider:

jedamum:

when he was home, everyone will tread with caution. I see the same happening in my household too - kids being especially caution when dad is around.

Hi jedamum

can you elaborate why everyone will have to 'tread with caution' when your husband is around?

Insider,
That means try our utmost best to put on our best behavior ? No noisy discussion etc.
I had re read some of the response here and trying to reflect and see if it could be my subtle influence on my kids in response to my own experience as a child.
I feel that the mood in the house greatly hinges on my ability to juggld the three males. It overwhelmp me sometimes and I had to remind myself to put husband first but it tempting to over spend time with kids.

[jedamum]

About this 慈祥 look, beside leading by example, I personally do think environment and experiences and the kids own innate characteristics play a part.


My ds2 is a very kind hearted boy.I saw a recent photo of him receiving a red packet from his great grandma and the way he tilted his head and bow slightly, I can see his respect for this elderly although we only visit a handful of times a year. He also tried to converse in his limited mandarin as I told him that great grandma doesn't know english. He readily shares his stuff with his brother, offers his help around the house, pulled me nearer to shade away from the sun, etc. He is also very generous with friends, asking if he could buy certain stuff for a friend who broke his stuff using his savings- I don't need that much money, he said. He is not wasteful either - never asked to be bought toys during visit to toy stores. My husband said, a contended little happy go lucky boy.

I was thinking that it could be the environment. He met nice people in his preschool, his elder brother has been very nice to him when he was small. I was very nice and encouraging due to his behaviour difficultiesin preschool. So he reciprocate and what he attracts in return, are more positivereciprocal from others.

It is a snowball effect. I agree that academic pursuit can cause strain, and it is evident that when my expectation increase academically, the tiny cracks start to surface. Husband said I have little expectation of ds2 to the extent of 看不起他. But this little expectation has created a great Bond between us. Similarly-because of his better ability, my expectation is high for ds1. Tiny cracks appear whenever I poke my nose into his study business. It is better now that I only coach half a subject instead of four compared to last time. With husband blessing, we sent ds2 to class for all three subjects, giving me more space to do non academic stuff with ds2. Because of this and the positiveand optimism influenced by ds2, ds1 and I enjoy a better relationship despite the lesser time spent together.

Oops. Think my compo out of point already.

[vinegar]

Insider,

I am not sure if this is the right pl i post this question.

Can i chk if 放下 also means 放弃? If one keeps dating n can’t find a suitable one,shld she 放下 n stop dating?

if one keeps trying for baby n miscarriages,cannot find any medical reason or treatment,shld she 放下 n give up the wish of having a child n move on?Coz 凡事不要太强求, maybe no 缘分 n she shld move on?

Or shld go n 看相 to see the future then decide if shld keep dating or trying fr. kid?

[Jennifer]

insider:

Trust me one day you may get to understand fully the embedded 'intangible' reasons of your parents' divorce relative to your personal journey in your marriage and your parenting path...(can't elaborate the 'theory' here coz really abstract).

I look forward to the above teaching.

My parents separated when I was a toddler. I do not know my mother personally. Whatever I know were based on accounts from my late grandma and my aunt, the former were bitter memories initially n the latter were understanding words.

I guess I was too self centered n chose to hear n remember the bad things.

This thread has helped to clear some clouds.

Thank you.

[ruohoo97]

:thankyou: My homework:-


It has been really sour-searching to read Insider's postings. Many thanks for bountiful wisdom and kindness in these sharing.

I grew up in a traditional Chinese family, where I was taught \" 万般皆下品，唯有读书高“。My parents were very strict with us, the academic excellence was not expectation but a norm, all of our 言谈举止, had to subject to 规矩。

My mother is very dominant wife, my dad left most family affairs to her. But I feel that my mother is not easy going , she was often very sensitive, got offended easily; My dad is a kind and humble man but hot tempered. Talking about \"seeding theory\", I do see some of my parents' character traits in myself, like my father's hot temper and my mother's hyper-sensitivity.

Most of times, my brothers and I were gui gui children that made my parents proud. We were lucky to have a relative peaceful family, though my parents had their shares problems. But they mostly kept it to themselves..

When I was in sec 1 or 2, my dad was posted to Germany for about one and half year, my mum stayed back with us. During that time, I accidentally discovered my mother had affair with a close friend of my parents. I was sick that day and came home earlier , and found they were in my home. I flew into rage, chased the man out of my home and shouted at my mother....I never told this to my dad, and even since kept a watchful eyes on her.Later I found out she had more affairs with others. I was somehow not close to her anymore.

When I was 16, my father was diagnosed with colon cancer, that was a turning point for him, I believe, he has been much mallow down since that illness. In one of talks, my dad referred my mom as “潘金莲”, Then I realized that he knew that all along... Thank God, he is still strong today.

I became Christian when I was in u, the faith in God and Jesus help me in many areas of my life. Now I am mother of five. My husband is a kind man, just like my dad, only he is much gentle.

So at my home, instead 慈母严父, we have 慈父严母。

Insider's shared positive energy was waking for me. My initiative was for the good of children, but my attitude and home atmosphere do not convey the same, in the end causing more harm than any good. Sometimes, i am so ashamed of myself being hot-tempered. I asked my children to forgive me and pray for me. Amazingly children are most forgiving people.

Here again, \"seeding theory\"?! My boys are all tender hearted, while my daughter is just like me! I see the urgent need to change myself, so that she will not be like me just I am like my mother (in many bad ways).:(

So thank you Insider, 桃花谈，对我是一个及时的警钟。还有请您多多指教。！ :thankyou:

[ruohoo97]

jedamum:

It is a snowball effect. I agree that academic pursuit can cause strain, and it is evident that when my expectation increase academically, the tiny cracks start to surface. Husband said I have little expectation of ds2 to the extent of 看不起他. But this little expectation has created a great Bond between us. Similarly-because of his better ability, my expectation is high for ds1. Tiny cracks appear whenever I poke my nose into his study business. It is better now that I only coach half a subject instead of four compared to last time. With husband blessing, we sent ds2 to class for all three subjects, giving me more space to do non academic stuff with ds2. Because of this and the positiveand optimism influenced by ds2, ds1 and I enjoy a better relationship despite the lesser time spent together.

Oops. Think my compo out of point already.

Thanks for sharing Jademum, It is easy to say and hard to do , right? I have similar situation too. Two of children are high ability while two are average; I make conscious effort not to compare, but occasionally, the words still skipped out my mouths, “why cannot you like your brother xxx or sister xxx?\"

Sometimes, I have this doubt, whether the difference in academic performance is due to ability or due to habits of diligence?

My two \"high ability children\" set their own target as young as in P2; they work towards their target diligently.

When my daughter wanted to take up competitive swimming at P4, i warned her about long hours commitment.(four time a week for three hours session), We agreed that if her results drop, she has to drop swimming as well. In the end, her results even improved.;

But my son was in school soccer team, training times is about same as swimming, we made the same agreement, his results dropped tremendously, in the end, we forced him to drop soccer. Of course, he was not happy lah. But the intelligent level, i would say, both of them are the same, the only difference is working attitude. My daughter comes home, first thing is to finish all her homework, then go swimming; (training starts at 5:30); but my son finishes training at 6:30, after showing and dinner, he is too tired to study.

It is fair if it is due to ability, but what if due to attitude? shouldn't I discipline his working attitude?

[Funz]

How to get 慈祥 look ah? :idea: Plastic sugery! Ok ok, kidding. I deserve :spank:


I think DS was born with a 慈祥 aura. He was a happy baby, ever ready to laugh and play. In preschool, his teacher remarked that though he is very mild, somehow his schoolmates respect him. There were a few particularly difficult kids who were very disruptive and will go around disturbing and irritating almost every kid but, DS was spared their mischieve. In fact, DS was about the only kid who was able to get one of them to play decently with him. Now in primary school, DS automatically befriended and took on the responsibility of making sure that his autistic classmate stays with the class. Everywhere we go, friends, relatives, people we encounter will usually comment that DS is a very good boy. Very likeable, very compassionate. Even his school bus aunty commented that she feels happy just looking at DS.

DD too is somehow similar. She too reached out to a special needs classmate. But DD is not as giving as DS. She still has this self centredness about her.

The frustrating thing however is, their compassion and 慈祥 whatever, does not seem to extend to each other. DD seem to care more for others than her own brother. And while we can see that DS will automatically put family and his sister ahead of others, because of how DD treats him, he is learning to reciprocate this lack of concern towards DD.

I think it is somehow a result of the adults' behaviour towards the 2 of them. People seem to gravitate towards DS and DD finds herself having to work harder to get that same attention. That resulted in DD being somewhat resentful towards DS. She will be upset and show concern if DS is hurt or unwell but when all is well, she will more often than not, brush him aside or put him down.