桃花谈
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jedamum:
My situation is similar to yours. My DS is a very sweet, kind-hearted and guiless boy. Because of this, am always very worried about how he will survive in the real world in future. DD is different. Very strong, decisive and 心机重.About this 慈祥 look, beside leading by example, I personally do think environment and experiences and the kids own innate characteristics play a part.
My ds2 is a very kind hearted boy.I saw a recent photo of him receiving a red packet from his great grandma and the way he tilted his head and bow slightly, I can see his respect for this elderly although we only visit a handful of times a year. He also tried to converse in his limited mandarin as I told him that great grandma doesn't know english. He readily shares his stuff with his brother, offers his help around the house, pulled me nearer to shade away from the sun, etc. He is also very generous with friends, asking if he could buy certain stuff for a friend who broke his stuff using his savings- I don't need that much money, he said. He is not wasteful either - never asked to be bought toys during visit to toy stores. My husband said, a contended little happy go lucky boy.
I was thinking that it could be the environment. He met nice people in his preschool, his elder brother has been very nice to him when he was small. I was very nice and encouraging due to his behaviour difficultiesin preschool. So he reciprocate and what he attracts in return, are more positivereciprocal from others.
It is a snowball effect. I agree that academic pursuit can cause strain, and it is evident that when my expectation increase academically, the tiny cracks start to surface. Husband said I have little expectation of ds2 to the extent of 看不起他. But this little expectation has created a great Bond between us. Similarly-because of his better ability, my expectation is high for ds1. Tiny cracks appear whenever I poke my nose into his study business. :
But DS had always been lucky in that he seems to have 贵人 taking care of him.
I know a little about 紫薇星算 and more or less know his 命盘. Does anyone know if there is any way I can improve the 贵人 in his life and at the same time reduce the 小人. Is it the same way as discussed above? -
insider:
I was affected my parents' failed marriage & all the negative stuffs my mum had told me. I was afraid to settle down & afraid that I might end up like my mum.
Know what? My 21 years old daughter (in UK) just skyped me for help, asking me how she can console her same age best friend (in Spore) coz her best friend's parents are now in cold war and probably in the process of divorce coz the mum found the dad got a woman outside.mummy so kiasu:
I have strongly discouraged her at that point of time. I had intention to help them to save their marriage. However, I have accidentally found out that my dad had fallen for someone. A relationship takes 2 hands to work & I knew that there is no way to save my parents' relationship.
My parents have divorced for 5 years. My dad is happy with the other woman & my mum has not forgiven him. She used to be angry with me whenever I visit my dad or talk about him. I did not hate my dad & I understand that the broken marriage is a problem between my parents. They have done their parts as parents to bring up my siblings & me.
Friend told my daughter that now the mum (a highly educated woman with a successful career) has turned to be unreasonable and irrational and the whole house like got caged with live wires all around.
Wise parents will never put all this kind of stress on their kids for their failed marriage. But these hurts and pains from betrayal are just too much for many to take, whether one is highly educated or not.
I told her to advise the friend to stay out of her parents' quarrels and disputes and to maintain neutral whenever possible. Just don't get sucked in and then forced to take side (both parents have been providing the kids well).
I can imagine your mum's hurts when she divorced at about 60 (and I hope she did get herself some $$$). If really cannot tahan the existence of another woman while your dad is in love with another one with no signs of returning, divorce is not a bad idea.
Hope your mum can figure out the part about 缘分已尽 and can 放下 in the near future.
恨 gnaws the heart of a person up bit by bit and it gets reflected on the face. If she cannot live happier than what your dad is living his life now, she suffers a double failure. She just has to figure this thing through and most of the time, she has to go through this process alone...
You are right to understand both your parents have provided for their children and right to remain neutral.
Never get sucked in else your family Qi will be affected to.
You can learn a great deal from their divorce and then use their mistakes to fortify your own family ties. (as said, wise people learn through the mistakes of others while the unwise ones have to go through the mistake itself to learn the lesson)...
Trust me one day you may get to understand fully the embedded 'intangible' reasons of your parents' divorce relative to your personal journey in your marriage and your parenting path...(can't elaborate the 'theory' here coz really abstract).
PS: If your Qi is stronger than your mum, then you may attempt to 'counsel' her, else just be there for her without 'poking' her. I am yet to speak to my second sis about her conflicts with her kids coz I assess she has the same amount of Qi as me and I have no confidence at all to 'win' her. So I am still waiting for a good moment to 'attack' her. Never talk when the other person is not willing to listen. Just wait...
My mum had high expectations from her kids & none of them turn up to be up to her expectations. She even discouraged me to get married or have kids after my marriage.
My mum is a Buddhist but she still can't let go after so many years. I have suffered quite a lots when my mum blame me for treating my dad better than her or still visiting him when he did her wrong. Really not easy to talk to my mum. I am in a disadvantage position. She told me that by bringing me to this world means I owe her a lot. I can see that she is unhappy & lonely. Whereas, my dad is happier & his current partner is more supportive than my mum. -
mummy so kiasu:
Sigh. We can be so blinded by anger and hate that very often, the one we hurt most is ourselves and those dearest to us. To say how others owes one of something, one is often not being responsible for one's own actions. In fact, if you don't mind me saying, your mom have suffered much, and she owes it to herself to be a happier person. To do that, I think, is what Insider means by letting go - 放下.
My mum is a Buddhist but she still can't let go after so many years. I have suffered quite a lots when my mum blame me for treating my dad better than her or still visiting him when he did her wrong. Really not easy to talk to my mum. I am in a disadvantage position. She told me that by bringing me to this world means I owe her a lot. I can see that she is unhappy & lonely. Whereas, my dad is happier & his current partner is more supportive than my mum.
I have this image in my mind, that life is like climbing a ladder. You need to let go of each grip in order to move on to the next. Without letting go, one will forever be stuck on the same spot and not go anywhere. Let go, and move on. -
concern2:
Wise words. Thank you
I have this image in my mind, that life is like climbing a ladder. You need to let go of each grip in order to move on to the next. Without letting go, one will forever be stuck on the same spot and not go anywhere. Let go, and move on. -
Coolkidsrock2:
I know a little about 紫薇星算 and more or less know his 命盘. Does anyone know if there is any way I can improve the 贵人 in his life and at the same time reduce the 小人. Is it the same way as discussed above?
Errr...if you believe in Life Plate, he has to travel his life alone.
The only thing you can do is take good care of YOURSELF and improve yourself bit by bit everyday (in terms of being patient and kind).
Then, the rest will take care of itself (this is the greatest faith that one should hold, that the rest will care of itself).
Never attempt to live the lives of others, not even for our parents and not even for our kids.
We have to live our own life coz that's the real purpose of living...
PS:
Fengshui can improve the positive Qi of a house / person (and therefore increase the chances of having more good things, incl 贵人) but then it may come with a price that you may not want to pay. This one I try to explain by this weekend... -
mummy so kiasu:
In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned about I am not bothered about how people want to view me, scold me, curse me, etc, as long as I know my intention is kind. I don't get upset coz the other party is 'blind' and so the 仁 part should float up automatically to understand why she is saying something which maybe wrong, untrue, accusing, hurtful, etc.
My mum is a Buddhist but she still can't let go after so many years. I have suffered quite a lots when my mum blame me for treating my dad better than her or still visiting him when he did her wrong. Really not easy to talk to my mum. I am in a disadvantage position. She told me that by bringing me to this world means I owe her a lot. I can see that she is unhappy & lonely. Whereas, my dad is happier & his current partner is more supportive than my mum.
With this understanding = one will not be hurt. That's why is called 仁者无敌.
Take whatever your mum spouts 'happily' coz at least she can have you to 出气 if that makes her feel better.
Try not to be resentful towards her perhaps cruel words coz she doesn't mean it and I believe she still loves you... (like what I told my niece that she must hold this love of my sis to her firmly in her mind and never lose sight of that no matter how my sis scolds her. It is more difficult for an 18 years old to understand and accept but with your age, maybe you can practice this 'never lose sight of Guiding Principle' more firmly in your mind than her).
It's actually 'good' that you have an unreasonable mum and then you been through a period of being 'accused'. You know exactly how it feels like and so you will know how your hubby and kids will feel if you do such things to them = as long as you are reflective enough and not to repeat same, they will enjoy the fruits of your past sufferings...
You see how the way your mum 拼命钻牛角尖 and refuses to come out - she is showing you the life example of the painful consequences of 钻ing牛角尖，so when you feel you are also 钻牛角尖 at times, think of her and get out asap.
Negative experiences always manage to give me positive energy. I hope you can see your situation in a more positive light too...
苦海无涯, 回头是岸... -
insider:
I agree with you that there is a price to pay for attempting to change too much. I did attempt to change fate and it backfired. Sometimes, the process of attempting to change fate is exactly the trigger for the event to happen. Hence, I am cautious in this aspect. But will it be possible for us to help improve the 命 of the children by helping them 积德积福 through charity?Coolkidsrock2:
PS:
Fengshui can improve the positive Qi of a house / person (and therefore increase the chances of having more good things, incl 贵人) but then it may come with a price that you may not want to pay. This one I try to explain by this weekend...
My son just asked me today why is it that I cannot stand with him in life. He is in p3, year end bb so just turned 8 not too long ago. Am surprised by his question. -
Hi Insider,
Thanks for the sharing and here is my homework assignment. All my life, I’ve been very blessed and everything has been very smooth for me. I’m the sort that 傻大姐type since young and I always wonder why is fate so kind to me. My guess now is prob in my previous lifetime, there were many good seeds that were sown and the bad ones didn’t happen to be that bad too (eg when my no. 3 kid diagnosed to have a chronic illness by 3 different doctors, he fully recovered aft 1 yr)
I will continue to count my blessings and strive to be a better human being.
Really appreciate your sharing.
Flametree -
Funz:
Opposite poles attract, Like poles repel each other?
The frustrating thing however is, their compassion and 慈祥 whatever, does not seem to extend to each other. DD seem to care more for others than her own brother. And while we can see that DS will automatically put family and his sister ahead of others, because of how DD treats him, he is learning to reciprocate this lack of concern towards DD. -
jedamum:
when he was home, everyone will tread with caution. I see the same happening in my household too - kids being especially caution when dad is around.
Hi jedamum
Emmm...your accounts overall sound Ok leh, except that part about have to try your utmost best to put on best behaviour with no noisy discussion.
Talk like normal, meaning don't need to purposely control the voice volume.
Boys are boys. Allow them to be rowdy at times during play, even if your husband is around. Childhood should be filled with noises, incl kids occasional fighting (for them to learn about giving ways, compromising, etc).
And yes, be conscious that your husband is not your dad. If you happen to see an image of your dad in your husband, that's actually what you indirectly 'conditioned' him to be (不是都被你变成是). You may re-read ammonite's account of her son in page 22 where she wrote 'I just trust that he will turn out good, he IS good.' (this is a very positive power that ammonite must try to hold on coz at times, it will be shaken).
You try to recall the 'him' that he used to be before the kids came.
Your husband used to be like 'that' and probably he is being 'spoilt' / 'conditioned' by you through your own unnecessary cautiousness that he sort of becomes an image of your 'dad' (coz he is given that condition to develop into what he is now).
Remember, he is still what he is like last time but you may have built a cage yourself with the image of your dad and then caged everyone in the more 'serious atmosphere' environment unnecessarily.
Also must really attempt to spend meaningful time with him coz actually you also need that time too. Spending most if not all your time with only the kids is not beneficial for anyone in the family, kids included. You need to model for them what a husband and wife relationship should be like. If they cannot get a proper imprint from you (the 'Seed') while at the same time they dont have their own innate seed to fend off the imprint, then chances are they may marry someone like you, meaning marrying wives who tends to 'ignore' them and they hide themselves into doing their own things. (then you may become that complaining MIL about your DIL not taking good care of your sons and the history may keep repeating itself).
You seem like a responsible homemaker whom so far I feel is a highly conscientious one (a bit kiasu but then not overboard which is ok). So, you deserve a bit more 甜甜蜜蜜 couple time with your husband. I think you know he deserves it too...
Go! Go find time and 甜甜蜜蜜 with your husband. That will produce abundant positive energy for the kids too! (multiplier effects from parents)
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